"Politics is a cut throat business"

January 12, 2006 6:16 PM

Voters in the US state of Minnesota may find a self-proclaimed vampire on the ballot for the office this year when Jonathon "The Impaler" Sharkey of the Vampyres, Witches and Pagans Party announces his plan to run for Governor, expected later today. Acknowledging that "politics is a cut-throat business", Sharkey has let voters know that whilst he is a Satanist, he dosen't hate Jesus, "just God, the Father."
posted by Effigy2000 (39 comments total)

Honesty on politicians is heartily welcomed.
posted by Balisong at 6:22 PM on January 12, 2006

Extra props are due for 'Page Title'
posted by cellphone at 6:38 PM on January 12, 2006

Asked for comment, the incumbent, Buffy Summers, made the following statement: "There's really so much at stake in this election. It's a new dawn, really. Does this crossbow make me look fat?"
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 6:41 PM on January 12, 2006

In 1989, I decided to start wrestling
professionally. Hence my “stage name” of Rocky Flash.

It's nice to know that Christians aren't the only painfully corny politicians out there.

Any Terrorist who is caught in Minnesota while I am governor, will find
out what the true meaning of my nickname: “The Impaler!” I will impale
them right in front of our State Capital.

Bread! Circuses! I think he'll get along fine with the conservatives.
posted by verb at 6:42 PM on January 12, 2006

As long as he doesn't call a 'tax' a 'fee', we're cool.
posted by my sock puppet account at 6:43 PM on January 12, 2006

Hey, we wouldn't have light rail were it not for the last insane, incompetent, hard-headed wrestler who ran this state.
posted by Astro Zombie at 6:47 PM on January 12, 2006

From his bio:

"In August 1988, while visiting a relative, I met a girl who was totally taken by me and who I was. She was hott and sexy, so I drove her home that night on my bike, and slept with her. Though I do not regret sleeping with her, in 1996 I found that she was my half-sister who I hadn't seen since 1970. Talk about letting your ego get the best of you."

Top THAT for honesty, Pawlenty!
posted by samh23 at 6:49 PM on January 12, 2006

My Magikal Path name is: Lord Ares.

My Magikal Path name is: Ben Dover.
posted by JeffK at 6:50 PM on January 12, 2006

I'm sorry, but this grammar disqualifies him from anything but the Presidency:

"However, just because one is a member of a religious beliefs, it does not mean they necessary believe and/or follow the ways of that religion."
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 6:53 PM on January 12, 2006

Ok, what kind of photo is this to put up on your campaign homepage?

This is wrong and I'm moving to canada.
posted by kjell at 6:58 PM on January 12, 2006

This guy strikes me as Brujah. Possibly Malkavian.
posted by bardic at 7:00 PM on January 12, 2006

Though I have endured 15 knee operations...like Sly Stallone’s “Rocky Balboa" I am a fighter.

This is gold. Pure gold.
posted by youarenothere at 7:02 PM on January 12, 2006

Seems more like Jesse Ventura's feather boa than Sly Stallone’s “Rocky Balboa."
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 7:04 PM on January 12, 2006

I will defy any law that is meant to protect Osama bin Laden and his followers/supporters, if they attack any one in Minnesota. I will Impaled them right in front of our State Capital, to show their comrades and other terrorists, that I am not a WUSS!

Comedy gold indeed!
posted by scody at 7:05 PM on January 12, 2006

But will he split the all importain Goth vote?

FANtastic
posted by edgeways at 7:07 PM on January 12, 2006

During my time as governor, drug dealers and users [of drugs] will live in fear.

Watch out yee users of caffeine, alcohol, cigs, sugar or chocolate!


Almost makes me wanna move to MN so I could vote for him.

Just to see him implement his idea. That, and hear garrison Keeler go on about impalement.
posted by rough ashlar at 7:09 PM on January 12, 2006

As I have previously stated, I am evil. However, I prefer to unleash my evil side upon terrorists and criminals. Not the innocent.

This is too much.
posted by youarenothere at 7:09 PM on January 12, 2006

Man, I wish I lived in Minnesota.
posted by ZenMasterThis at 7:12 PM on January 12, 2006

As Governor and when I become President, those who commit acts of terrorism should seriously consider looking over their shoulders, for I will be there!

(This post needs a batshitinsane tag real bad.)

I don't see why he can't begin impaling and avenging now as an ordinary citizen; it'll be equally illegal once he's sworn in. Oh wait, the POTUS can break the law...never mind.
posted by youarenothere at 7:17 PM on January 12, 2006

This is a joke, right?
posted by keswick at 7:40 PM on January 12, 2006

keswick, do you want to be impaled?
posted by kuatto at 7:43 PM on January 12, 2006

depends on who's doin' it, i reckon. *titter*
posted by keswick at 7:46 PM on January 12, 2006

What do you reckon a L.D.D.D. degree is?

... A Lord of Darkness, Demons, and Devils?
posted by ph00dz at 7:49 PM on January 12, 2006

He sounds like a Christian right operative to me, whipping up up the next "Satanic Panic".
posted by troutfishing at 8:01 PM on January 12, 2006

Well he's whipping up something...

Our great country has been attacked by those of Muslim and Islamic beliefs. In Vlad's day, the Turks were of Muslim belief. However, Vlad's actions instilled such fear in them, to where they 'ceased and desist' in their efforts to invade and attack Romania while he ruled.

Like Vlad [the Impaler], I will be feared by those who wish us harm, and by criminals who prey upon the innocent.
posted by missbossy at 8:26 PM on January 12, 2006

This is a joke, right?

Nope. It's the most emailed story from the major newspaper in the state.
posted by my sock puppet account at 8:37 PM on January 12, 2006

You can laugh. I never thought Jesse Ventura had a chance. How sadly wrong I was.
posted by lorimt at 8:58 PM on January 12, 2006

Jesse Ventura, Arnold Schwarzenegger, George W. Bush, and Ronald Reagan have all been governors.

Anything is possible.
posted by Ynoxas at 9:10 PM on January 12, 2006

"(This post needs a batshitinsane tag real bad.)"
posted by youarenothere at 1:17 PM AEST on January 13.

Consider it done!
posted by Effigy2000 at 9:21 PM on January 12, 2006

he doesn't hate Jesus, "just God, the Father."

That seems reasonable to me.
posted by stavrosthewonderchicken at 12:00 AM on January 13, 2006

Dear America,
I love you.
posted by slimepuppy at 2:58 AM on January 13, 2006

my sock puppet account : " As long as he doesn't call a 'tax' a 'fee', we're cool."

Hah. Damn straight.
posted by graventy at 3:01 AM on January 13, 2006

Not to be confused with the long time local band Impaler.
posted by valis at 6:25 AM on January 13, 2006

Frankly, the Capitol could use some impaled terrorists out front. There's a lot of space just going to waste out there.

I'd also support removing the cheesy gold horsemen in front of the Capitol dome and replacing them with some impaling-stakes.
posted by COBRA! at 7:21 AM on January 13, 2006

Yeah and the Washington Monument, for example, is dull. Surrounding it with a bunch of heads on pikes would add a certain je ne sais quoi. Bring in the tourists.
posted by Dormant Gorilla at 7:51 AM on January 13, 2006

Fuck that. The Washington Monument is perfectly suited to be a gigantic impaling stake itself. We just need to find a very large terrorist.
posted by COBRA! at 7:56 AM on January 13, 2006

I have this great image of him at his inaugural address surrounded by Goth waifs smoking clove cigarettes and tall scrawny guys with painted fingernails trying hard to look Evil.

Be a decent album cover later, when he's looking for something else to do after his political career ends....
posted by elendil71 at 8:50 AM on January 13, 2006

"5) I will not allow the activation of any Minnesota
National Guard Units to fight in Iraq. I will lobby to
bring our Guard troops back from Iraq ASAP! I will
defy President Bush if need be."

Can't say I disagree with that one.

And this one is a gem:

"11) Boot Camp for juvenile offenders. If parents are
unable to cope with an out of control child, who is
repeatedly breaking laws and/or are failing to attend
school regularly, the child will be placed in a "Boot
Camp" program ran by reserve or former military drill
sergeants."

From his agenda page
posted by drstein at 11:51 AM on January 13, 2006

...the child will be placed in a "Boot
Camp" program ran by reserve or former military drill sergeants..."

12) ...and then sent to Iraq. I will defy President Bush if need be.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 12:00 PM on January 13, 2006