Comments on: "Politics is a cut throat business"

"Politics is a cut throat business"

Effigy2000 — Thu, 12 Jan 2006 18:16:46 -0800

Voters in the US state of Minnesota may find a self-proclaimed vampire on the ballot for the office this year when Jonathon "The Impaler" Sharkey of the Vampyres, Witches and Pagans Party announces his plan to run for Governor, expected later today. Acknowledging that "politics is a cut-throat business", Sharkey has let voters know that whilst he is a Satanist, he dosen't hate Jesus, "just God, the Father."

By: Balisong

Balisong — Thu, 12 Jan 2006 18:22:26 -0800

Honesty on politicians is heartily welcomed.

By: cellphone

cellphone — Thu, 12 Jan 2006 18:38:29 -0800

Extra props are due for 'Page Title'

By: It's Raining Florence Henderson

It's Raining Florence Henderson — Thu, 12 Jan 2006 18:41:38 -0800

Asked for comment, the incumbent, Buffy Summers, made the following statement: "There's really so much at stake in this election. It's a new dawn, really. Does this crossbow make me look fat?"

By: verb

verb — Thu, 12 Jan 2006 18:42:48 -0800

In 1989, I decided to start wrestling professionally. Hence my "stage name" of Rocky Flash.

It's nice to know that Christians aren't the only painfully corny politicians out there.

Any Terrorist who is caught in Minnesota while I am governor, will find out what the true meaning of my nickname: "The Impaler!" I will impale them right in front of our State Capital.

Bread! Circuses! I think he'll get along fine with the conservatives.

By: my sock puppet account

my sock puppet account — Thu, 12 Jan 2006 18:43:37 -0800

As long as he doesn't call a 'tax' a 'fee', we're cool.

By: Astro Zombie

Astro Zombie — Thu, 12 Jan 2006 18:47:37 -0800

Hey, we wouldn't have light rail were it not for the last insane, incompetent, hard-headed wrestler who ran this state.

By: samh23

samh23 — Thu, 12 Jan 2006 18:49:26 -0800

From his bio: "In August 1988, while visiting a relative, I met a girl who was totally taken by me and who I was. She was hott and sexy, so I drove her home that night on my bike, and slept with her. Though I do not regret sleeping with her, in 1996 I found that she was my half-sister who I hadn't seen since 1970. Talk about letting your ego get the best of you." Top THAT for honesty, Pawlenty!

By: JeffK

JeffK — Thu, 12 Jan 2006 18:50:35 -0800

My Magikal Path name is: Lord Ares. My Magikal Path name is: Ben Dover.

By: It's Raining Florence Henderson

It's Raining Florence Henderson — Thu, 12 Jan 2006 18:53:46 -0800

I'm sorry, but this grammar disqualifies him from anything but the Presidency: "However, just because one is a member of a religious beliefs, it does not mean they necessary believe and/or follow the ways of that religion."

By: kjell

kjell — Thu, 12 Jan 2006 18:58:21 -0800

Ok, what kind of photo is this to put up on your campaign homepage? This is wrong and I'm moving to canada.

By: bardic

bardic — Thu, 12 Jan 2006 19:00:07 -0800

This guy strikes me as Brujah. Possibly Malkavian.

By: youarenothere

youarenothere — Thu, 12 Jan 2006 19:02:50 -0800

Though I have endured 15 knee operations...like Sly Stallone's "Rocky Balboa" I am a fighter. This is gold. Pure gold.

By: It's Raining Florence Henderson

It's Raining Florence Henderson — Thu, 12 Jan 2006 19:04:42 -0800

Seems more like Jesse Ventura's feather boa than Sly Stallone's "Rocky Balboa."

By: scody

scody — Thu, 12 Jan 2006 19:05:19 -0800

I will defy any law that is meant to protect Osama bin Laden and his followers/supporters, if they attack any one in Minnesota. I will Impaled them right in front of our State Capital, to show their comrades and other terrorists, that I am not a WUSS! Comedy gold indeed!

By: edgeways

edgeways — Thu, 12 Jan 2006 19:07:20 -0800

But will he split the all importain Goth vote? FANtastic

By: rough ashlar

rough ashlar — Thu, 12 Jan 2006 19:09:45 -0800

During my time as governor, drug dealers and users [of drugs] will live in fear. Watch out yee users of caffeine, alcohol, cigs, sugar or chocolate! Almost makes me wanna move to MN so I could vote for him. Just to see him implement his idea. That, and hear garrison Keeler go on about impalement.

By: youarenothere

youarenothere — Thu, 12 Jan 2006 19:09:49 -0800

As I have previously stated, I am evil. However, I prefer to unleash my evil side upon terrorists and criminals. Not the innocent. This is too much.

By: ZenMasterThis

ZenMasterThis — Thu, 12 Jan 2006 19:12:59 -0800

Man, I wish I lived in Minnesota.

By: youarenothere

youarenothere — Thu, 12 Jan 2006 19:17:37 -0800

As Governor and when I become President, those who commit acts of terrorism should seriously consider looking over their shoulders, for I will be there! (This post needs a batshitinsane tag real bad.) I don't see why he can't begin impaling and avenging now as an ordinary citizen; it'll be equally illegal once he's sworn in. Oh wait, the POTUS can break the law...never mind.

By: keswick

keswick — Thu, 12 Jan 2006 19:40:28 -0800

This is a joke, right?

By: kuatto

kuatto — Thu, 12 Jan 2006 19:43:35 -0800

keswick, do you want to be impaled?

By: keswick

keswick — Thu, 12 Jan 2006 19:46:45 -0800

depends on who's doin' it, i reckon. *titter*

By: ph00dz

ph00dz — Thu, 12 Jan 2006 19:49:35 -0800

What do you reckon a L.D.D.D. degree is? ... A Lord of Darkness, Demons, and Devils?

By: troutfishing

troutfishing — Thu, 12 Jan 2006 20:01:34 -0800

He sounds like a Christian right operative to me, whipping up up the next "Satanic Panic".

By: missbossy

missbossy — Thu, 12 Jan 2006 20:26:10 -0800

Well he's whipping up something... Our great country has been attacked by those of Muslim and Islamic beliefs. In Vlad's day, the Turks were of Muslim belief. However, Vlad's actions instilled such fear in them, to where they 'ceased and desist' in their efforts to invade and attack Romania while he ruled. Like Vlad [the Impaler], I will be feared by those who wish us harm, and by criminals who prey upon the innocent.

By: my sock puppet account

my sock puppet account — Thu, 12 Jan 2006 20:37:31 -0800

This is a joke, right? Nope. It's the most emailed story from the major newspaper in the state.

By: lorimt

lorimt — Thu, 12 Jan 2006 20:58:36 -0800

You can laugh. I never thought Jesse Ventura had a chance. How sadly wrong I was.

By: Ynoxas

Ynoxas — Thu, 12 Jan 2006 21:10:54 -0800

Jesse Ventura, Arnold Schwarzenegger, George W. Bush, and Ronald Reagan have all been governors. Anything is possible.

By: Effigy2000

Effigy2000 — Thu, 12 Jan 2006 21:21:12 -0800

"(This post needs a batshitinsane tag real bad.)" posted by youarenothere at 1:17 PM AEST on January 13. Consider it done!

By: stavrosthewonderchicken

stavrosthewonderchicken — Fri, 13 Jan 2006 00:00:35 -0800

he doesn't hate Jesus, "just God, the Father." That seems reasonable to me.

By: slimepuppy

slimepuppy — Fri, 13 Jan 2006 02:58:37 -0800

Dear America, I love you.

By: graventy

graventy — Fri, 13 Jan 2006 03:01:45 -0800

my sock puppet account : " As long as he doesn't call a 'tax' a 'fee', we're cool." Hah. Damn straight.

By: valis

valis — Fri, 13 Jan 2006 06:25:33 -0800

Not to be confused with the long time local band Impaler.

By: COBRA!

COBRA! — Fri, 13 Jan 2006 07:21:04 -0800

Frankly, the Capitol could use some impaled terrorists out front. There's a lot of space just going to waste out there. I'd also support removing the cheesy gold horsemen in front of the Capitol dome and replacing them with some impaling-stakes.

By: Dormant Gorilla

Dormant Gorilla — Fri, 13 Jan 2006 07:51:09 -0800

Yeah and the Washington Monument, for example, is dull. Surrounding it with a bunch of heads on pikes would add a certain je ne sais quoi. Bring in the tourists.

By: COBRA!

COBRA! — Fri, 13 Jan 2006 07:56:26 -0800

Fuck that. The Washington Monument is perfectly suited to be a gigantic impaling stake itself. We just need to find a very large terrorist.

By: elendil71

elendil71 — Fri, 13 Jan 2006 08:50:49 -0800

I have this great image of him at his inaugural address surrounded by Goth waifs smoking clove cigarettes and tall scrawny guys with painted fingernails trying hard to look Evil. Be a decent album cover later, when he's looking for something else to do after his political career ends....

By: drstein

drstein — Fri, 13 Jan 2006 11:51:11 -0800

"5) I will not allow the activation of any Minnesota National Guard Units to fight in Iraq. I will lobby to bring our Guard troops back from Iraq ASAP! I will defy President Bush if need be." Can't say I disagree with that one. And this one is a gem: "11) Boot Camp for juvenile offenders. If parents are unable to cope with an out of control child, who is repeatedly breaking laws and/or are failing to attend school regularly, the child will be placed in a "Boot Camp" program ran by reserve or former military drill sergeants." From his agenda page

By: It's Raining Florence Henderson

It's Raining Florence Henderson — Fri, 13 Jan 2006 12:00:05 -0800

...the child will be placed in a "Boot Camp" program ran by reserve or former military drill sergeants..." 12) ...and then sent to Iraq. I will defy President Bush if need be.