Join 3,557 readers in helping fund MetaFilter (Hide)


Jesus, his hooker, and her pimp
January 19, 2006 10:54 AM   Subscribe

The Girl of Your Dreams. "Jesus had a dream girl. Jesus had a girl that He wanted to marry for several thousand years. But she treated him like shit."
posted by brownpau (29 comments total)

 
No comments? *hell freezes over*
posted by wheelieman at 11:18 AM on January 19, 2006


But she treated him like shit.
I guess that's why this site exists.
posted by MrMoonPie at 11:23 AM on January 19, 2006


I thought it was pretty good. Especially, the part about tampons Satan’s little cotton fingers.
posted by ijoshua at 11:26 AM on January 19, 2006


Jesus is an ok guy; but his dad's an asshole.
posted by xod at 11:28 AM on January 19, 2006


So is the crowd that tries to hang out with him these days.
posted by sourwookie at 11:38 AM on January 19, 2006


And that girl . . . was all of us.

</spoilers>
posted by jenovus at 11:46 AM on January 19, 2006


When people talk about their ideal spouse, they always generate a list of qualities that they find desirable. They want beauty and intelligence, humor and compassion, zeal for life, love for the Lord, blond hair and blue eyes.

This is a generalization. My ideal spouse loves Chewbacca, because he's my favorite superhero in outer space.
posted by Mayor Curley at 11:48 AM on January 19, 2006


Who Would Jesus Bonedownwith?
posted by bardic at 11:50 AM on January 19, 2006


Irish need not apply.

Does jesus hate the irish? Or do the irish hate jesus?
posted by Suparnova at 11:54 AM on January 19, 2006


So, that's why so many tampon brands end in X. It's to remind us to give them back to Jesus when we're done. Merry Kotexmas, everybody!
posted by jrossi4r at 11:55 AM on January 19, 2006


um....i don't the tampon thing at all. is that about rejecting God's love or something? i'm not seeing a parable abouy divine love so much as a guy with a kinky fetish for tampons and hookers.
posted by Doorstop at 11:55 AM on January 19, 2006


i'm not seeing a parable abouy divine love so much as a guy with a kinky fetish for tampons and hookers.
posted by Doorstop at 2:55 PM EST on January 19 [!]

And that, Charlie Brown, is the true meaning of Christmas.
posted by ND¢ at 12:01 PM on January 19, 2006


Jesus didn’t come to earth looking for a nice Presbyterian girl who liked Radiohead and The Flaming Lips just like He did, who had large breasts, long legs and wide hips and thought that infant baptism was really important, too. He came for us, and before we knew Him, we were emaciated whores.

Wha... hold it. What? What the hell?

Now I'm all confuzzled. Why is my favourite band invoked within this amusingly crackpot metaphorical rant (which contains a distressing fascination for used tampons, to boot)? Here I am reading away, chuckling in a superior manner, when I come across this. It's disconcerting. What if I end up standing next to this guy at the shows this summer? Will I be able to tell that it's him just by looking?
posted by jokeefe at 12:08 PM on January 19, 2006


Taken out of context of the rest of the essay, the last five sentences seem like reasonable advice you could give to anyone who's down on their love-luck.

Even an atheist.
posted by Fat Elvis at 12:10 PM on January 19, 2006


Why is my favourite band invoked within this amusingly crackpot metaphorical rant

You dig the Emaciated Whores, too? Wanna share bootlegs?
posted by sourwookie at 12:21 PM on January 19, 2006


I dated a girl like that once. She always accused me of having a messiah complex. How right she was.
posted by allen.spaulding at 12:26 PM on January 19, 2006


Your favorite band sucks.

Penises.

For money.
posted by speedo at 1:07 PM on January 19, 2006


I dunno man, seems like Jesus should just sorta move on. And by the way, who is the dream girl supposed to be here? Are christian men supposed to be looking for some 'nice girl' who does the housework and has the babies? Should they be crusin' the pews with some sort of checklist? Man, am I glad I gave up on all this religion crap, cuz I like 'em kinda slutty with high paying careers and stuff.

Oh and I think the Emaciated Whores are playing the Fillmore next weekend. Anybody got an extra? Lookin for a miracle here.
posted by Zorro on Doughnuts at 1:12 PM on January 19, 2006


beautiful people vs personal jesus (mp3)
posted by xod at 1:19 PM on January 19, 2006


The Emaciated Whores just haven't been the same since they did the detox thing, though. And the last album sucked, with all those Albanian shepherds doing backing vocals and crap.
posted by jokeefe at 2:30 PM on January 19, 2006


On the other hand, Infant Baptism embody the true spirit of black metal.
posted by jokeefe at 2:32 PM on January 19, 2006


That the whores sold out cums as no suprise.
posted by xod at 2:36 PM on January 19, 2006


That's weird.
posted by grouse at 2:46 PM on January 19, 2006


Christian literature never makes any sense to me. Chronicles of Narnia especially, BTW.
posted by breath at 2:49 PM on January 19, 2006


Metafilter: a kinky fetish for tampons and hookers.
posted by poorlydrawnplato at 4:35 PM on January 19, 2006


um....i don't the tampon thing at all.

I think the idea was that she kept giving him garbage and treating him like garbage, but she was still perfect to him.

I'm not sure what fucking the dead pimp's corpse means, but I assume it's further proof of bad behavior and lack of commitment to Jesus on the whore's part.

I figured it was a college freshman.
posted by mrgrimm at 5:42 PM on January 19, 2006


That was so stupid that just by reading it I think I forgot how to do algebra.
posted by Ynoxas at 5:50 PM on January 19, 2006


The next time you meet Jesus, I recommend you say "Penis dias, Dios".

He, of course, will say "Huh?".

Your retort is "Buenos dias, dios". He will be very confused. In the process, you've lied, J.boy is confused, and all the while, the tampons keep piling up.

It doesn't get much better than this!

I'll be in NYC for St. Pat's day!
posted by lometogo at 9:22 PM on January 19, 2006


That. Was. Nuts. But in a hilarious way. Perhaps I just found it so amusing because I've been subjected to all kinds of poorly written/conceived devotions in my youth at Lutheran schools and this brings back memories of entertaining myself by ripping apart their convoluted arguments in my head. This is a prime example of one with a very thinly-veiled personal agenda, too. If you read the rest of the guy's blog it seems likely he has, shall we say, some issues with his relations (or lack thereof) to the females. It seems like he either is or was in a relationship where he lets himself get taken advantage of, but justifies it by believing it's the right thing to do, even though it causes him continual pain. Granted, that's complete speculation, it's just the vibe I got.

The blog in general is pretty interesting because although you have an overly-enthusiastic evangelical Christian on the one hand, he's submitted stories to McSweeney's, is reading Lolita (albeit for a class) and listens to Sun Kil Moon, which all seem to contrast pretty heavily. Granted, this is far from the first time I've run across people like this - I probably would've fit the bill during parts of my youth - but I've always found the cognitive dissonance produced by certain religious folk baffling and amusing. Some choice quotes:

As predisposed to love Spielberg as I am, I found this movie to be comepletely devoid of any Jesus whatsoever.

I'd never understood the Lord to be a master of style until I saw Kill Bill

Black Cherry Vanilla Diet Coke, or BCVDC as I like to call it, is the best the new soft drink since Holiday Spice Pepsi.

Cillian Murphy is the bomb of Gilead.

Caeser Paul is a man from Trinidad, who speaks with an accent like Sebastian the crab from The Little Mermaid, and reads the Bible aloud as though the future of mankind depends on It, which it does.

Today we took a three hour tour of the Tacoma mall, where I saw a black man wearing a Darth Vader t-shirt. No one else was quite so amazed at this as I was.

posted by nTeleKy at 7:58 AM on January 20, 2006


« Older Top Ten Sources takes posts from RSS feeds and agg...  |  Choose your own adventure! Yo... Newer »


This thread has been archived and is closed to new comments