Reviews of New Food
January 24, 2006 3:52 PM Subscribe
R e v i e w s o f N e w F o o d <– Quite entertaining
I predict that McSweeney's will soon be hated on in this thread.
posted by mullacc at 3:59 PM on January 24, 2006
posted by mullacc at 3:59 PM on January 24, 2006
I predict that spock will soon be hated on in this thread.
posted by Robot Johnny at 4:05 PM on January 24, 2006
posted by Robot Johnny at 4:05 PM on January 24, 2006
Wow, I totally loved it. Thanks for the post, spock. And the weirdo formatting is a cue that it's a link to McSweeneys, right?
posted by jonson at 4:06 PM on January 24, 2006
posted by jonson at 4:06 PM on January 24, 2006
gatorade fierce melon is pretty good. didn't laverne drink milk and *pepsi*? and soyrizo is, of course, very good.
posted by mrgrimm at 4:07 PM on January 24, 2006
posted by mrgrimm at 4:07 PM on January 24, 2006
Boy, do I ever hate McSweeney's.*
*Actually, I'm pretty much indifferent towards McSweeney's, I just wanted to make mullacc's prediction come true.
posted by amarynth at 4:08 PM on January 24, 2006
*Actually, I'm pretty much indifferent towards McSweeney's, I just wanted to make mullacc's prediction come true.
posted by amarynth at 4:08 PM on January 24, 2006
didn't laverne drink milk and *pepsi*?
During my college days friends introduced me to "chocolate milk + coca-cola" in a 3:1 ratio with ice. Tastes like an "ice cream float."
posted by ericb at 4:13 PM on January 24, 2006 [1 favorite]
During my college days friends introduced me to "chocolate milk + coca-cola" in a 3:1 ratio with ice. Tastes like an "ice cream float."
posted by ericb at 4:13 PM on January 24, 2006 [1 favorite]
That was a fun read.
40 watt - why would you waste your time even writing that?
posted by SSinVan at 4:15 PM on January 24, 2006
40 watt - why would you waste your time even writing that?
posted by SSinVan at 4:15 PM on January 24, 2006
Yes, Laverne drank milk and pepsi. I tried it a few times and wasn't all that impressed.
I dare someone to try milk and pepsi blue.
posted by terrapin at 4:20 PM on January 24, 2006
I dare someone to try milk and pepsi blue.
posted by terrapin at 4:20 PM on January 24, 2006
I, sirrah, am entertained.
posted by Smedleyman at 4:22 PM on January 24, 2006
posted by Smedleyman at 4:22 PM on January 24, 2006
Czech is not written in Cyrillic.
posted by languagehat at 4:39 PM on January 24, 2006
posted by languagehat at 4:39 PM on January 24, 2006
Funny that while the authors' names are different, each review sounds exactly alike. The faux-enthusiasm, the coyness, the affected flat affect. As if 'McSweeneyesque' were a macro you could push in Word.
posted by _sirmissalot_ at 4:43 PM on January 24, 2006
posted by _sirmissalot_ at 4:43 PM on January 24, 2006
(On second thought, maybe it is the 'Eggersesque' macro.)
posted by _sirmissalot_ at 4:45 PM on January 24, 2006 [1 favorite]
posted by _sirmissalot_ at 4:45 PM on January 24, 2006 [1 favorite]
(Not that there's anything wrong with that.)
posted by _sirmissalot_ at 4:45 PM on January 24, 2006
posted by _sirmissalot_ at 4:45 PM on January 24, 2006
I think _sirmissalot_ nailed it.
Another one for my oxymoron file.
posted by weapons-grade pandemonium at 4:53 PM on January 24, 2006
Another one for my oxymoron file.
posted by weapons-grade pandemonium at 4:53 PM on January 24, 2006
Yeah, I read a bunch of the badly formatted link. Some made me smile, most made me think they were trying far too hard to be cool or funny (hey, like MeFi!).
Is there a reason they format the site in the most irritating way possible? So that it makes the reviews appear to be longer than the two or three sentences they are?
posted by fenriq at 4:55 PM on January 24, 2006
Is there a reason they format the site in the most irritating way possible? So that it makes the reviews appear to be longer than the two or three sentences they are?
posted by fenriq at 4:55 PM on January 24, 2006
Funny that while the authors' names are different, each review sounds exactly alike.
I actually thought it was one writer with fake names ... but now perhaps not.
posted by mrgrimm at 5:00 PM on January 24, 2006
I actually thought it was one writer with fake names ... but now perhaps not.
posted by mrgrimm at 5:00 PM on January 24, 2006
Funny. Thanks. And I like that it's very long; worth the click.
posted by Miko at 5:45 PM on January 24, 2006
posted by Miko at 5:45 PM on January 24, 2006
Smucker's Uncrustables
Peanut Butter and Jelly Sandwiches
Submitted by James Sepsey
Ogden Nash once said, "Progress may have been all right once, but it has gone on too long." Mr. Nash, if only you were alive today, standing in your grocer's freezer section, contemplating progress from a modern perspective. For if you were, I would stand in this same grocer's freezer section with you, take your hand, and show you that progress has not been as futile as you once imagined.
I would take your hand and place it here, gently into the cool freezer, so that the two of us touch the same icy-cold box, a box within which the zenith of progress and ingenuity awaits us, like a nervous cheetah pacing his cage at the zoo.
And you would say, "You who have taken my hand, whom I hardly know, what is this very progressive thing that the two of us touch, with the tenderness of lovers?"
And I would say, blushing, "Smucker's Uncrustables, sir. Sandwiches. Peanut butter and jelly. Strawberry. Grape. Even grilled cheese. This is the object of our desire."
Resisting, you would pull your hand away. "But they're round! They have no crust!"
And I would say, "They are! They do not!"
Again our hands would intertwine, our mad lust rekindled.
And the two of us would, as one, go to take a bite. But we'd have to pause. We'd have to because, well, as you can imagine, Smucker's Uncrustables are frozen, sir. A 10-minute defrosting awaits us.
But during this brief delirium you'd write a poem. It would go:
They come in Grape,
Strawberry, Grilled Cheese;
Round, crustless miracles,
From Pilgrims to Indians will they please.
I've got to getsum,
Or surely will I regretsum—
Feeling rather fretsum,
Were I to letsum one else get thum.
But, alas, I think I am right:
Smucker's Uncrustables are not
The answer to progress's plight.
But do not get me wrong—
I imagine one day a throng!
A throng! a throng!
Of people will eat these
Tasty, convenient, delights—
By the bushel, by the peck, by dawn's early lights.
You would look into my eyes and ask, "Has it been 10 minutes?"
I would bashfully nod and hand you an Uncrustable. You would take it, with force, and pull me to your side. I would shut my eyes and whisper: "Hold me, Mr. Nash. In the modern sense of the word."
And you would. You would hold me forever, like witchcraft through the ages.
posted by sourwookie at 5:48 PM on January 24, 2006
Peanut Butter and Jelly Sandwiches
Submitted by James Sepsey
Ogden Nash once said, "Progress may have been all right once, but it has gone on too long." Mr. Nash, if only you were alive today, standing in your grocer's freezer section, contemplating progress from a modern perspective. For if you were, I would stand in this same grocer's freezer section with you, take your hand, and show you that progress has not been as futile as you once imagined.
I would take your hand and place it here, gently into the cool freezer, so that the two of us touch the same icy-cold box, a box within which the zenith of progress and ingenuity awaits us, like a nervous cheetah pacing his cage at the zoo.
And you would say, "You who have taken my hand, whom I hardly know, what is this very progressive thing that the two of us touch, with the tenderness of lovers?"
And I would say, blushing, "Smucker's Uncrustables, sir. Sandwiches. Peanut butter and jelly. Strawberry. Grape. Even grilled cheese. This is the object of our desire."
Resisting, you would pull your hand away. "But they're round! They have no crust!"
And I would say, "They are! They do not!"
Again our hands would intertwine, our mad lust rekindled.
And the two of us would, as one, go to take a bite. But we'd have to pause. We'd have to because, well, as you can imagine, Smucker's Uncrustables are frozen, sir. A 10-minute defrosting awaits us.
But during this brief delirium you'd write a poem. It would go:
They come in Grape,
Strawberry, Grilled Cheese;
Round, crustless miracles,
From Pilgrims to Indians will they please.
I've got to getsum,
Or surely will I regretsum—
Feeling rather fretsum,
Were I to letsum one else get thum.
But, alas, I think I am right:
Smucker's Uncrustables are not
The answer to progress's plight.
But do not get me wrong—
I imagine one day a throng!
A throng! a throng!
Of people will eat these
Tasty, convenient, delights—
By the bushel, by the peck, by dawn's early lights.
You would look into my eyes and ask, "Has it been 10 minutes?"
I would bashfully nod and hand you an Uncrustable. You would take it, with force, and pull me to your side. I would shut my eyes and whisper: "Hold me, Mr. Nash. In the modern sense of the word."
And you would. You would hold me forever, like witchcraft through the ages.
posted by sourwookie at 5:48 PM on January 24, 2006
Patent Food Fight Over PB&J Patent -- Smucker's® Uncrustables.
Smucker's Loses Fight to Patent Crimping for Uncrustables.
posted by ericb at 6:07 PM on January 24, 2006
Smucker's Loses Fight to Patent Crimping for Uncrustables.
posted by ericb at 6:07 PM on January 24, 2006
I'm sorry, but the line from White Chocolate Key Lime Almond Joy "It smells like a Malibu Barbie that's been drinking gin-and-tonics all day." made me laugh out loud.
If I hate McSweeney's it is only because the are constantly rejecting my submissions to Lists. Like this one:
Inspired by this news story,
(in which a man throws a live mouse into a pile of burning leaves, whereupon it runs, en fuego, into his house — destroying it along with all its contents)
M O V I E T I T L E S I N W H I C H
"F I R E" H A S B E E N R E P L A C E D
B Y "B U R N I N G M O U S E"
If I hate McSweeney's it is only because the are constantly rejecting my submissions to Lists. Like this one:
Inspired by this news story,
(in which a man throws a live mouse into a pile of burning leaves, whereupon it runs, en fuego, into his house — destroying it along with all its contents)
M O V I E T I T L E S I N W H I C H
"F I R E" H A S B E E N R E P L A C E D
B Y "B U R N I N G M O U S E"
- Harry Potter and the Goblet of Burning Mouse
- Chariots of Burning Mouse
- Burning Mouse in the Sky
- Burning Mouse Down Below
- St. Elmo's Burning Mouse
- Courage Under Burning Mouse
- In the Line of Burning Mouse
- Great Balls of Burning Mouse
Also, I guarantee you that with the violations of subject-verb agreement in some of those reviews, that Dave Eggers is not the author of all of them.
posted by spock at 6:21 PM on January 24, 2006
posted by spock at 6:21 PM on January 24, 2006
And the weirdo formatting is a cue that it's a link to McSweeneys, right?
It was supposed to be. The way it turned out it is a cue that non-breaking spaces are stripped if you do a preview before submitting. DOH!
posted by spock at 6:26 PM on January 24, 2006
It was supposed to be. The way it turned out it is a cue that non-breaking spaces are stripped if you do a preview before submitting. DOH!
posted by spock at 6:26 PM on January 24, 2006
This has long been my favorite McSweeney's feature by far.
posted by rxrfrx at 7:26 PM on January 24, 2006
posted by rxrfrx at 7:26 PM on January 24, 2006
But peaches are often hard, and it ruins it.
WTF? And they accept a quince review from this doofus? Which he then goes on to eat incorrectly as well!?
Now I know why there are Twinkies: it's for the dumbasses who don't know how to eat food.
posted by five fresh fish at 7:43 PM on January 24, 2006
WTF? And they accept a quince review from this doofus? Which he then goes on to eat incorrectly as well!?
Now I know why there are Twinkies: it's for the dumbasses who don't know how to eat food.
posted by five fresh fish at 7:43 PM on January 24, 2006
40 watt - why would you waste your time even writing that?
Not that it hasn't been sufficiently covered in a number of comments already, but I honestly couldn't tell it was a McSwy's parody because of the (non)broken spaces.
Not a waste but a legitimate question, in my opinion. Why do you care so much about what I waste my time on, Mom? Sheesh, people... don't be so goddamn trigger-happy.
posted by 40 Watt at 8:09 PM on January 24, 2006
Not that it hasn't been sufficiently covered in a number of comments already, but I honestly couldn't tell it was a McSwy's parody because of the (non)broken spaces.
Not a waste but a legitimate question, in my opinion. Why do you care so much about what I waste my time on, Mom? Sheesh, people... don't be so goddamn trigger-happy.
posted by 40 Watt at 8:09 PM on January 24, 2006
Heh. I submitted something for that section of McSweeney's on the 19th. I wonder what the turnaround time will be.
posted by emelenjr at 8:57 PM on January 24, 2006
posted by emelenjr at 8:57 PM on January 24, 2006
MetaFilter: Great Balls of Burning Mouse
Excellent post. The insomniac thanks you.
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 11:27 PM on January 24, 2006
Excellent post. The insomniac thanks you.
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 11:27 PM on January 24, 2006
I love McSweeneys, but I ignore it for months at a time and then go back and wallow, as though it's summertime again.
posted by NinjaPirate at 1:33 AM on January 25, 2006
posted by NinjaPirate at 1:33 AM on January 25, 2006
The review of Mountain Dew: Code Red was written by my buddy Dale Beran, co-creator of A Lesson Is Learned But The Damage Is Irreversible (previously discussed here).
posted by Faint of Butt at 5:21 AM on January 25, 2006
posted by Faint of Butt at 5:21 AM on January 25, 2006
Funnier than the usual MacSweeny's gubbins.
The writers for McSweeny's always remind me of some of the NYU students I hung out with one Summer. That is to say, self-obsessed, smarmy, an order of magnitude less intelligent and amusing than they believe themselves to be, but not wholly unentertaining.
posted by jack_mo at 5:36 AM on January 25, 2006
The writers for McSweeny's always remind me of some of the NYU students I hung out with one Summer. That is to say, self-obsessed, smarmy, an order of magnitude less intelligent and amusing than they believe themselves to be, but not wholly unentertaining.
posted by jack_mo at 5:36 AM on January 25, 2006
Metafilter: self-obsessed, smarmy, an order of magnitude less intelligent and amusing than they believe themselves to be, but not wholly unentertaining </obligatory>
posted by spock at 6:14 AM on January 25, 2006
posted by spock at 6:14 AM on January 25, 2006
But then again . . .
Humankind: self-obsessed, smarmy, an order of magnitude less intelligent and amusing than they believe themselves to be, but not wholly unentertaining
posted by spock at 6:22 AM on January 25, 2006 [1 favorite]
Humankind: self-obsessed, smarmy, an order of magnitude less intelligent and amusing than they believe themselves to be, but not wholly unentertaining
posted by spock at 6:22 AM on January 25, 2006 [1 favorite]
Hee - I wrote '(Do feel free to tagline that last sentence.) at the end of my comment, then deleted it thinking no one would bother...
posted by jack_mo at 6:35 AM on January 25, 2006
posted by jack_mo at 6:35 AM on January 25, 2006
I dunno, McSweeney's is managing to bring back a little bit of a renaissance to the literary magazine, which can't be such a bad thing (even if it's a little snarky at times)
posted by craven_morhead at 6:42 AM on January 25, 2006
posted by craven_morhead at 6:42 AM on January 25, 2006
Is there a reason they format the site in the most irritating way possible? So that it makes the reviews appear to be longer than the two or three sentences they are?
Some blogger somewhere once did a riff on this very subject, titled "McSweeney's: A Good Design Idea Gone Horribly Wrong." Or something like that. I can't remember the exact title, the blog, or the blogger, and I don't feel like googling it, so why did I even bother posting this?
posted by scratch at 7:25 AM on January 25, 2006
Some blogger somewhere once did a riff on this very subject, titled "McSweeney's: A Good Design Idea Gone Horribly Wrong." Or something like that. I can't remember the exact title, the blog, or the blogger, and I don't feel like googling it, so why did I even bother posting this?
posted by scratch at 7:25 AM on January 25, 2006
(On preview: craven-morehead, are you any relation to a gent named Krayven Sumhead who I've seen on biker forums?)
posted by scratch at 7:26 AM on January 25, 2006
posted by scratch at 7:26 AM on January 25, 2006
I like McSweeney's because they published a list of mine in an actual book, even though I found out about it 18 months after the book appeared on shelves when a friend ran across it.
Look, Maw, I'm a published scribbler!
posted by sugarfish at 10:11 AM on January 25, 2006
Look, Maw, I'm a published scribbler!
posted by sugarfish at 10:11 AM on January 25, 2006
Doritos have been a lunchtime staple for almost 20 years, and for good reason: They are cheesy and delicious. They remained delicious through several unnecessary attempts to make them "cheesier." Doritos were beloved by most, and of those who did abstain, none did so due to lack of cheese. Still, Frito-Lay pressed on with a relentless drive to make Doritos cheesier, and they have finally overdone it. Decision makers at Frito-Lay suffer from cheese dysmorphic disorder, rendering them unable to recognize the high level of cheesiness in their own product.
Cheese dysmorphic disorder? So true.
posted by mowglisambo at 10:41 AM on January 25, 2006
Cheese dysmorphic disorder? So true.
posted by mowglisambo at 10:41 AM on January 25, 2006
Is there a reason they format the site in the most irritating way possible?
they long for the good old days of suck.com when horrible formatting was considered a mark of intelligence.
posted by 3.2.3 at 2:43 PM on January 25, 2006
they long for the good old days of suck.com when horrible formatting was considered a mark of intelligence.
posted by 3.2.3 at 2:43 PM on January 25, 2006
Had to laugh when I saw their first review item - I remember a few years ago on a road trip my husband talked me into trying a Bahama Mama ("What are ya, a wimp? Too hot for you?"). It was as vinegary hot and bad as the review stated, but just like they said, enough hours of freeway ennui and you start craving those things.
posted by Oriole Adams at 7:26 PM on January 25, 2006
posted by Oriole Adams at 7:26 PM on January 25, 2006
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posted by 40 Watt at 3:57 PM on January 24, 2006