Join 3,424 readers in helping fund MetaFilter (Hide)


Ink That Stinks
January 28, 2006 10:35 AM   Subscribe

Bad tattoos. More bad tattoos. Bad tattoos - don't let this happen to you! And, uh, this. And previously: Hanzi Smatter. Some pics, though no direct links, are NSFW.
posted by milquetoast (59 comments total) 1 user marked this as a favorite

 
"Mr. Cool Ice?!" Jesus Christ.

My old room mate once told me about this one-night-stand he had in Indiana. When the gal got out of bed, he finally saw that she had a crudely-drawn, full back tattoo of... Bert. Bert, as in "Bert and Ernie." He was speechless.
posted by brundlefly at 10:55 AM on January 28, 2006


I've been wondering about Mr. CooL ICE for quite some time. Anyone know any backstory or more info on this guy?
posted by puke & cry at 11:06 AM on January 28, 2006 [1 favorite]


I really need to know the backstory behind this one.

Some of the snarks made in the first link actually serve to make the author look a bit dumb, though. It's not a stick figure angel. It's the icon from "The Saint." The reason that bear looks like a dog is because it is a dog--a chow.
posted by jrossi4r at 11:07 AM on January 28, 2006


jrossi4r, that tattoo is AWESOME.
posted by puke & cry at 11:11 AM on January 28, 2006 [1 favorite]


Puke & Cry, I'm guessing this video explains all, if you speak German. The best I can come up with is around 2 mins 43 shows a business card printed "Mr Lover Lover", "Mr Cool Ice" and then "Mr Sex". The mind boggles.
posted by MetaMonkey at 11:14 AM on January 28, 2006


I'm curious about the third link, I wish they had comments explaining why each of these tattoos are bad. It sounds like the people from Ink City aren't just worried about the aesthetics of the tattoos. For example I don't see anything wrong with the sacred heart tattoo they show...
posted by MrBobaFett at 11:15 AM on January 28, 2006


Also, if a stranger shows up at your door and offers to give you a tattoo, it's best to decline.
posted by jrossi4r at 11:19 AM on January 28, 2006


awesome MetaMonkey, thanks. I don't speak german but this helps anyway.
posted by puke & cry at 11:21 AM on January 28, 2006 [1 favorite]


Wacka Wacka
posted by MetaMonkey at 11:22 AM on January 28, 2006


ugh. My friend Roi has a few that would fit in these galleries, including one cartoonish punk rocker that inexplicably has six fingers.
posted by krix at 11:26 AM on January 28, 2006


Who would get a Ron Burgandy tattoo? I mean, Anchorman was kind of funny, but sweet zombie jesus...

We now need a post on good tattoos to bring balance back to the universe.
posted by toftflin at 11:43 AM on January 28, 2006


What on earth is wrong with this?
posted by hototogisu at 11:43 AM on January 28, 2006


Where did they get all the photos of ink to make fun of? Presumably there aren't a lot of people submitting their own photos to these sites.
posted by raedyn at 11:47 AM on January 28, 2006


(presumably most of the porkdico ones are stolen from elsewhere on the 'net, since several images have copyright messages on them - from a variety places, none of them porkdisco)
posted by raedyn at 11:53 AM on January 28, 2006


Some sort of self fulfilling prophecy.

I work at a guitar store. Every time some scraggly meth-mouthed skeeve comes in looking for a single guitar string, I usually find out it's to be used as a needle for a homemade tatoo gun.

I am a cruel fucker, and always sell them the thickest string I know will work, releshing the pain I know it will cause them.

Bleed, you racist redneck, bleed!
posted by sourwookie at 11:55 AM on January 28, 2006


You want a good tattoo post?

Here you go...

The best ink artist on the planet, IMO.
posted by dbiedny at 12:00 PM on January 28, 2006 [1 favorite]


This dude's first tattoo was a neck tattoo courtesy of board.crewcial.org. If you don't feel like reading through the thread for the explanation, here are the goods:

One

Two

His friend got a pretty good tribute to Florida, also.
posted by lovetragedy at 12:02 PM on January 28, 2006


In fact, I stock Ernie Ball .24 plains for that purpose. These people are usually so bombed when they come in they will follow any suggestion I make.
posted by sourwookie at 12:05 PM on January 28, 2006


It's fun to go to thrift shops and marvel at the bad fashion choices people have made in the past: like the racks of acid-wash jeans and parachute pants. But now that tattoos have become unfashionable people can't just drop them off at Goodwill. I'd like to have 1% of 1% of the money spent in the next 5 years just on tribal armband removal.
posted by TimeFactor at 12:06 PM on January 28, 2006


Some people are too dumb to be parents.
posted by amro at 12:52 PM on January 28, 2006


My parents were correct about life more often than I'd like to admit. When it comes to tatoos, they were spot on.
posted by bardic at 1:07 PM on January 28, 2006


But now that tattoos have become unfashionable people can't just drop them off at Goodwill. I'd like to have 1% of 1% of the money spent in the next 5 years just on tribal armband removal.

A now defunct record store in NYC used to have a cartoon taped to the register that showed two mohawked, tattooed, pierced, scarred and etcetera'd senior citizens (indicated by canes and easy chairs). The caption: "So you were an idiot back in the 90's too, huh?"
posted by scratch at 1:16 PM on January 28, 2006


You want a good tattoo post?

Here you go...

The best ink artist on the planet, IMO.
posted by dbiedny at 12:00 PM PST on January 28 [!]


Wow, the stuff under the "Biomechanical" section of his portfolio is amazing. That guy's got serious talent.

I'd like to get a tattoo, but I seriously doubt that I could trust myself to make a decision about what to get done and where that I wouldn't regret at some point.

Of course, this would look pretty damn awesome around my forearm, or maybe this ...
posted by kosher_jenny at 2:15 PM on January 28, 2006


This has always been my favorite of Gupta's work...
posted by hototogisu at 3:17 PM on January 28, 2006


the only thing that separates a bad tattoo from a good one is time. the simple truth is absolutely all tattoos look dreadful after a few years. no exception.
posted by rodney stewart at 3:29 PM on January 28, 2006


Every tattoo I've ever seen has been the aesthetic equivalent of a black velvet Elvis painting.
posted by HTuttle at 3:32 PM on January 28, 2006


(some are drawn better than others, but they're all still Elvis on BV.)
posted by HTuttle at 3:33 PM on January 28, 2006


TimeFactor writes "But now that tattoos have become unfashionable people can't just drop them off at Goodwill."

Tattoos have become...?

*clears throat, casually covers upper arm*

Crap.
posted by brundlefly at 3:36 PM on January 28, 2006


*flaunts belly* teehee-hee.
posted by dabitch at 3:44 PM on January 28, 2006


Tattoos have become...?

*clears throat, casually covers upper arm*

Crap.


Guess I'll only be wearing long-sleeved turtlenecks and pants from now until my dying day.
posted by Meredith at 3:46 PM on January 28, 2006


I would LOVE to get something done by Gupta, but I doubt I'll ever get to New York to consider it.
posted by Kickstart70 at 3:55 PM on January 28, 2006


You know, if I tattooed a potato on my butt cheek, I'd sure as hell want to caption it so others could identify it correctly. If he didn't tell me it was a potato, I'm not quite sure what I'd think it was.

[This is a good way to spend a lazy Sunday morning. Thanks!]
posted by chronic sublime at 4:07 PM on January 28, 2006


chronic sublime: It rather looks like Peter Griffin wants to eat the labeled potato, but is unable to due to the intervening crevasse.
posted by brundlefly at 4:17 PM on January 28, 2006


Rodney:

Actually, the ink I got at 35 (I'm 43 now) looks great, the trick is to find the right artist, one who understands the craft in a deep and meaningful way. Anil Gupta seems to have an uncanny ability, and the piece he did for me over 6 years ago looks like it was done yesterday. The colors are all extremely vibrant, the details are sharp and I expect that, even given the normal softening over time, I will love my skin art in 30 years as much as I do now. I've never regretted any of my ink.

Even though I wanted tats from a very early age (I used to draw on myself with markers when I was 8, so the desire has been lifelong), I waited until I was in my mid 30s before moving ahead with it - life experiences helped me define what was really important to me. Getting tats was never a fashion statement or participation in trend for me, it was a connection to something deep iinside of me, something ancient.

I've told the children of friends who want ink that it's all about revealing what's already there - not adding something, but instead, revealing the part of ones self that is already present and "under the surface".

I do agree that many people don't really give proper consideration to the process, and act out of impulse and a desire to fit in. I've never fit into anywhere predefined, or any clique, so my own acquisituon of skin art has been about something very personal, and nothing to do with the fickle ways of our society.
posted by dbiedny at 4:59 PM on January 28, 2006 [2 favorites]


hr giger has really let himself go...
posted by es_de_bah at 5:32 PM on January 28, 2006


dbiedny: I like the way you put that.
posted by andendau at 5:44 PM on January 28, 2006


might be useful to a point: Computer Techniques For Tattoo Removal
posted by rodney stewart at 6:17 PM on January 28, 2006


the ink I got at 35 (I'm 43 now) looks great

at age 53, your Gupta biomechanical tatty will very likely need an explanatory photo. come 63, you'll seriously be hard pushed to find any semblance of art remaining on that skin. even your deepest, darkest tribal tatty will just be one large blue smudge.

'skin art' on a thirty-something is probably good for ten years at most. sorry to burst your bubble but a trip to an old folks home is a great reminder that tatty's and old age have never been a good mix.
posted by rodney stewart at 6:39 PM on January 28, 2006


I'm completely with dbiedny on this. Wise words indeed. I've got three myself and have the flash ready for another, and it's a good sized one. if you don't like seeing tats on people, don't look. F*ck fashion.
posted by keptwench at 6:45 PM on January 28, 2006


With modern tattoo inks and machines, they tend to stay much better and crisper for many, many years.

My favorite artist: Cat Spencer.
posted by SuzySmith at 7:17 PM on January 28, 2006


As SuzySmith points out, the folks in the old age home got their ink many years ago, at a time when the technology was fairly primitive, and usually by hacks doing lines of Navy boys (there were some great artists during that era, but they were also restrained by the gear). The day Anil did my shoulder piece (a blurry shot taken the night it was done, 8 hours, one sitting, with an Apple QuickTake 100 (thanks, Abner!), I met a guy with one of his unbelievable miniature tattoos, one of the first Anil had ever done. It looked brand new, and it was 10 years old at the time. That shoulder piece still looks exactly the same, and really, I'll miss leaving it on this body once I go.
posted by dbiedny at 7:50 PM on January 28, 2006


Those miniatures are great. I generally dislike tattooism, and probably would never pay for one. But if someone was giving one of these away as a present, can't say I could refuse it.
posted by dgaicun at 8:55 PM on January 28, 2006


F*ck fashion.

Absolutely. When I see the racks and racks of acid-wash jeans at the thrift shop I think of all the people who thought they were being stylish with their acid-wash jeans and their mullets who wouldn't be caught dead looking like that now because it isn't fashionable. Yet they weren't being stylish at all before; they had no sense of style, just of fashion. But I have nothing but admiration for somebody now who wears acid-wash jeans and a mullet. They do have a sense of style, though it doesn't happen to be mine, and they're sticking to it even if fashion tells them otherwise. So rock on achy-breaky Billy Ray Cyrus mullet-dude.

Unfortunately, there are tens of millions of people who got tattooed entirely because it was fashionable but now fashion's moved on and now they look, to themselves and the rest of the fashion-conscious, foolish. Unlike a haircut, though, you can't just "update" a tattoo by telling your hair-stylist "Now I want one of those clipped styles all the cool kids are wearing. Oh, and I'll need to pick up some a pair of those little rectangular eye-glasses too".

So now you have millions of people with their c.2000 tribal armbands who want desperately to fit in again, to be fashionable. The millions of teenage girls with the over-the-ass handlebars are going to desperately want to be rid of them when they're 30 and their tattoos are announcing to the world: "I haven't been a teenager in 10 years" after teenage girl have long since stopped getting those tattoos.

So there's millions to be made in tattoo removal from all those people who'd love to drop their tattoos off at the Goodwill like acid-wash jeans or some other fashion abomination. Those of us who never wanted to look like Billy Ray Cyrus or who never didn't want to look like Billy Ray Cyrus will just sit on the sidelines and shake our heads in wonder.
posted by TimeFactor at 9:08 PM on January 28, 2006


This is why I hate tipping strippers with bad tattoos. I know they're just going to use the money I'm giving them to go out and get more bad tattoos.
posted by mullingitover at 9:33 PM on January 28, 2006


What dbiedny said about old tattoos is true. I have a 15 year old tattoo that's just as crisp, bright and clear as it was the day it was done - better, actually, the redness has gone down. And thanks for the link, I'd never seen Gupta's work before; it's fantastic.
posted by mygothlaundry at 9:36 PM on January 28, 2006


No doubt, a job for Turlington's Lower Back Tattoo Remover.
[SNL Quicktime by way of http://www.isoprophlex.com/iso_gallery.php#]

posted by blueberry at 1:07 AM on January 29, 2006


This has always been my favorite of Gupta's work...

Woah! That is awesome.
posted by VirtualWolf at 2:13 AM on January 29, 2006


She looks like the stalk of bamboo with a spinal column; he should have tattooed her some horizontal ass stripes too, to give the illusion of hips.
posted by dgaicun at 2:26 AM on January 29, 2006


What is hip?
posted by Wolof at 2:57 AM on January 29, 2006


I have a page of Mandarin names on my website, so naturally I used to get tons of people writing to me asking "Can you tell me my name in Chinese?" and "How do you say 'thunderbat' in Chinese?" and bullshit like that. However, since I put up a couple links about bad Chinese tattoos, I've gotten far fewer.

I was always tempted to give them words saying "Idiotic white monkey" or something like that, but I've avoided the temptation so far.
posted by jiawen at 3:25 AM on January 29, 2006


Well, there went my Sunday morning. Fun site! This one made me laugh out loud!
posted by ancientgower at 7:09 AM on January 29, 2006


And it all definitely comes under the category of People Who Are Not Like You and Me. I mean, just trying to imagine the social milieu in which any one of these would be acceptable makes my brain spin. I'm not making a judgment call here; I just cannot imagine it. It makes me want to turn to my wife and say, "Well, what do you make of that, Muffin?" in my best Thurston Howell III voice.
posted by ancientgower at 7:21 AM on January 29, 2006


never heard the term "tramp stamp" before, but it's so completely accurate..
posted by Redruin at 7:23 AM on January 29, 2006


Well, that was certainly comprehensive..
posted by KevinKarl at 7:28 AM on January 29, 2006


For people wondering why some of the third link pictures are considered bad, it's because that's a tatoo artist site pointing out poor artwork. If you look closely you see the lines are sloppy and crooked.
posted by Mr.Encyclopedia at 2:24 PM on January 29, 2006


I always loved the crazy diarrhea one.
posted by NewBornHippy at 5:52 PM on January 29, 2006


Someone actually got eyes tattooed on his eyelids.
posted by Songdog at 10:39 AM on January 30, 2006


Someone actually got eyes tattooed on his eyelids. - Songdog

I wonder what it looks like when that guy blinks.
posted by raedyn at 11:25 AM on January 30, 2006


Someone actually got eyes tattooed on his eyelids.

Wouldn't a tattoo needle jack-hammering into your eyeball, uh, be bad for it?
posted by dgaicun at 1:32 PM on January 30, 2006


« Older We will never forget them, nor the last time we sa...  |  "A human being should be able ... Newer »


This thread has been archived and is closed to new comments