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"Those Who Trespass", a Pornographic Work by Bill O'Reilly --- An Audio Excerpt
February 2, 2006 6:44 PM   Subscribe

"Those Who Trespass", a Pornographic Work by Bill O'Reilly -- An Audio Excerpt This is an audio excerpt from Bill O'Reilly's fictional novel. I found it quite hilarious. Move over Dickens, Bill O'Reilly is in town.
posted by jne1813 (34 comments total)

 
I'd love to see a version of Big Brother with Bill O'Reilly, Anne Coulter and a bunch of other wingnuts living together in a small house.
posted by unSane at 6:48 PM on February 2, 2006


snorkel man?
posted by Stauf at 6:50 PM on February 2, 2006


Oh dear.
posted by Hildegarde at 6:52 PM on February 2, 2006


Did he co-write this book with Scooter Libby?..
posted by clevershark at 6:56 PM on February 2, 2006


Or Gannon??
posted by Balisong at 7:06 PM on February 2, 2006


Nah, Gannon only reprints White House press releases...
posted by clevershark at 7:08 PM on February 2, 2006


For a few more choice quotes, relevant self-link: Christmas with Bill O'Reilly
posted by XQUZYPHYR at 7:12 PM on February 2, 2006


So, THAT is the book that Veronica Mars' dad was pretending to read on last night's ep!

Any "Veronica Mars" fans here? anyone? *crickets*
posted by newfers at 7:15 PM on February 2, 2006


On more than one occasion, I've heard Stephanie Miller[sound] force voice monkey Jim Ward to read the Robo crackpipe passage. Marry me, Stephanie!
posted by If I Had An Anus at 7:19 PM on February 2, 2006


Suddenly another sensation entered, Ashley felt two large hands wrap themselves around her breasts and hot falafel on the back of her neck.
posted by fleetmouse at 7:33 PM on February 2, 2006


FPP: This is an audio excerpt from Bill O'Reilly's fictional novel.

Isn't it a real novel? A "fictional novel" is one that exists only in fiction, I think, though there's obviously some ambiguity.
posted by grobstein at 7:34 PM on February 2, 2006


it's a novel in the fictional genre
posted by jne1813 at 7:35 PM on February 2, 2006


So in the geek hierarchy chart, does Bill count as an erotic fanfic writer who puts himself in the story, or is he in his own category? I'd vote for a seperate category. I'm pretty sure the "Tom O'Malley" bit and having it vanity published under his real name add extra geek points. By my math I'm putting him somewhere just below the erotic furries, but above the Star Trek ocelot furries.

Unless the book really does have real reporters he knows personally in it like I've heard, in which case he's somewhere down past the bottom of the chart with the ocelot furries who try to give William Shatner copies of their fanfic at conventions.
posted by queen zixi at 7:40 PM on February 2, 2006


I'm with ya, newfers. That caught me by surprise as well and I googled it last night only to be more perplexed.

O'Reilly has some serious shower kink. First the falafel thing, now snorkel man?

My favorite O'Reilly related clip comes courtesy of Keith Olbermann - worst person of the year (not sure if this has been FPP'd, sorry) - I've never been so proud to be associated with MSNBC.
posted by jimray at 7:42 PM on February 2, 2006


Er, we would also have accepted "fiction novel."
posted by odinsdream at 8:05 PM on February 2, 2006


Slightly off topic, but aren't all novels fiction? If not fiction is not a novel.

Sorry, nit-picky.
posted by generichuman at 8:19 PM on February 2, 2006


(If it is not fiction it is not a novel, I mean. Stupid fingers)
posted by generichuman at 8:20 PM on February 2, 2006


Sorry, generichuman, snark-double. You lose.
posted by If I Had An Anus at 8:24 PM on February 2, 2006


Yes. By definition, novels are fiction.
posted by XQUZYPHYR at 8:26 PM on February 2, 2006


It's called a Mary Sue. And boys can totally be Mary Sues too. Some people call them Gary Stu, but I think Mary Sue is enough for all.
posted by Hildegarde at 8:48 PM on February 2, 2006


Obviously, he preferred oral sex to oral hygiene.

If you use a dental dam they're the same thing, duh.
posted by bardic at 8:54 PM on February 2, 2006


I thought it was a truthy fictionesque memoir.
posted by staggernation at 8:56 PM on February 2, 2006


I thought "fictional novel" meant it was a novel that didn't really exist but perhaps someone had written this in the style of O'Reilly, but in porn novel form.
posted by Jesse H Christ at 9:07 PM on February 2, 2006


jesus christ, it's a work of written fiction. can't people just link to the text? I don't want to download an audio file of terrible prose.
posted by shmegegge at 9:14 PM on February 2, 2006


IIHAA: Stephanie is marrying me, but since I've got the gay, she's really gonna be yours.
posted by moonbird at 9:16 PM on February 2, 2006


Someone's never heard of Truman Capote.
posted by Toecutter at 9:19 PM on February 2, 2006


And I've got the current wife, moonbird. Let's just each pick up a box of wine and meet in LA to finalize plans.
posted by If I Had An Anus at 9:24 PM on February 2, 2006


Jacques you bastard, you know you stole this from me. Although I guess all is fair after my posting of the Afghanistan article. We should collect donations to buy the audio cd.
posted by matkline at 10:47 PM on February 2, 2006


I got the goatse shiver reading that. Thanks.
posted by FeldBum at 10:58 PM on February 2, 2006


Funny, the first think I thought off was "Fucked Ann Coulter In The Ass Hard.". Go figure.
posted by NewBornHippy at 2:38 AM on February 3, 2006


XQUZYPHYR ,
Have I ever told you how much I love your cartoons? They're great!

O'Lielly's next novel: Falafel Love
posted by nofundy at 6:29 AM on February 3, 2006


thoughts in no particular order:

my life would feel enhanced if I had a s/t of janeane garafalo laughing in the background. she makes me happy.

I know it needs no mention, but gees, what a crappy writer O'Reilly is. What a fucking stodgy wooden turgid lump of shit.

Is not a lime green shower curtain a true sign of tack?

75 degree water is a prettty cool shower. Body temp for most of us Bill is 98.6 or thereabout. Water temps lower than 90 begin to feel rather cool. Tepid is moderately warm. 75-80 fits the bill for houseplants (ie room temperatture) but not for humans.

Does your shower allow you to set the temperature? Or are you thinking about the climate control in your Linncoln, where yyou do your best thinkin'? I don't have one of them fancy showers. Two knobs for the water, one for the shower/tub control. Bill, obviously playing with his knob, misses thhe point.
posted by beelzbubba at 6:43 AM on February 3, 2006


Ugh. Bizarre (in a bad way). Seems his lack of self-awareness is so complete that he enabled his own (fucking creepy) hang-ups and aspirations to seep into this atrocious, hackneyed book. I am interested by his comment to Charlie Brooks - I wonder if it's too generous to think this may all be some kind of joke? But I guess ol' "Falafel" O'Reilly takes himself too seriously for that.

Burn it! *pitchforks*

Or if you're Mel Gibson... option it. I'm sure it'll turn out just great.
posted by Drexen at 8:36 AM on February 3, 2006


In the most recent episode of Veronica Mars, a character hollows out a copy of Those Who Trespass and uses it to smuggle material out of an evidence room. I think Rob Thomas is about to land on O' Reilly's enemies list.
posted by palinode at 9:46 AM on February 3, 2006


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