My Private Eyes (hand clap) they're watching you...

February 11, 2006 10:57 AM

A wise Mefite once said "I cannot fathom the stress of multiple spouses," and I'm sure it only gets more stressful if your loved ones don't know about each other. As Valentines Day approaches, let us take a moment to ponder the difficulties that two-timing scumbags of either gender will have trying to please everyone at once, on this holiday that was created by a greeting card company, yet ultimately benefits private detectives more than any other holiday of the year.
posted by jonson (36 comments total)

Yeah, that's right, I referenced a Hall & Oates song in my title tag. What are you gonna do about it?
posted by jonson at 11:03 AM on February 11, 2006

RevengeLady was hilarious.
posted by jeffburdges at 11:11 AM on February 11, 2006

Glad I stopped two-timing early. I even beat the Christmas rush!
posted by luftmensch at 11:13 AM on February 11, 2006

The Institute for Divorce Financial Analysts ?

Every Valentines Day I cast a thought out to an old acquaintance who placed both of his bouquet orders - one for his wife, and one for his new boyfriend - with the same florist. When, of course, they misdelivered them (it's a hectic day, right?) she called to let them know she had recieved someone else's flowers, well ...
posted by R. Mutt at 11:20 AM on February 11, 2006

"two-timing scumbags of either gender"

Hye, hey, coool off my brother! I'm just trying to spread around the delight that is me, like the marmalade of love spread on the toast-y women everywhere -- it's a sacrifice I make for woman-kind.

Grrrrowl!
posted by orthogonality at 11:32 AM on February 11, 2006

I'm sorry, this Wall Street Journal article really includes a list of amateur spy devices at the bottom of it? Was this in the print edition as well? Disgusting.
posted by Nelson at 11:38 AM on February 11, 2006

I'm sorry that you had to find out this way, but sometimes, I, um, go to BoingBoing. I'm so sorry.
posted by elwoodwiles at 11:49 AM on February 11, 2006

you dirty bastard elwood... what was it? Was it that whore xeni with her constant zen moments & unicorn chasers? or do you prefer the sweaty, bespectacled love you get from doctorow? I hope you know he's a hardcore furry - mouse ears & everything!
posted by jonson at 11:51 AM on February 11, 2006

Does this mean BoingBoing is available?
Because, I gotta tell you, commentless vanity blogging is hella-hot.
posted by Baby_Balrog at 11:56 AM on February 11, 2006

FYI ... currently on Boing Boing ...

A woman's been arrested at the Fort Lauderdale airport for attempting to import a dessicated head from Haiti -- she said she needed it to protect her from evil spirits...
posted by R. Mutt at 11:59 AM on February 11, 2006

If you are a cop in Pinella County, Valentine's Day or not, watch out: Florida Sheriff's Office Bans Adultery
posted by madamjujujive at 12:23 PM on February 11, 2006

R. Mutt, you irascible scion of temptation.

/digg

(damn, what a giveway)
posted by Sparx at 12:26 PM on February 11, 2006

Oh, digg and I are just friends, really, I mean, yeah, we got drunk that one time, and like, things happen, but it didn't mean anything to me.
posted by elwoodwiles at 12:30 PM on February 11, 2006

let us take a moment to ponder the difficulties that two-timing scumbags of either gender will have trying to please everyone at once...

I can't go for that.
No. No can do.
posted by hal9k at 12:34 PM on February 11, 2006

Honey, sweetheart, darling... I SURF Digg... I SURF BoingBoing... I SURF Fark... I READ Metafilter.
posted by jonson at 12:40 PM on February 11, 2006

The web site for The Institute for Divorce Financial Analysts (as metioned in the article) And remember, this year's IDFA convention is in San Antonio !
posted by R. Mutt at 12:46 PM on February 11, 2006

San Antonio is for lovers' clandestine meetings away from the wife.
posted by Nelson at 1:15 PM on February 11, 2006

I SURF Fark...

We could have gotten over it if it had been any other website. I mean, I can see you you might even have a long term love affair with a site like Salon or Slate. But if you've been fooling around with that slag, then any respect that I once had has now been completely eradicated.

See you in the divorce courts.
posted by PeterMcDermott at 1:41 PM on February 11, 2006

Whatever you say about two-timing scumbags, you gotta respect them for their spunk.
posted by Astro Zombie at 1:58 PM on February 11, 2006

Reminds me of a conversation with a former friend. He was telling me how wierd and fucked up and bad polyamory is and how I should change my ways.

Meanwhile, he was cheating on his SO and he called it normal.

(I read them all..does that make me pantextual?)
posted by Bucket o' Heads at 2:09 PM on February 11, 2006

Yeah, that's right, I referenced a Hall & Oates song in my title tag. What are you gonna do about it?

Just last night, I watched a "Veronica Mars" episode where a private eye actually sings that to the titular character, adding, "HALL AND OATES WROTE THE SONG, AND NOW YOU LIVE IT."

I laughed. And now I'll go away.
posted by Sticherbeast at 2:23 PM on February 11, 2006

Bucket, are you Polyamorous?
posted by jonson at 2:54 PM on February 11, 2006

Wow, scary. Lots of really dumb people looking to exact revenge over real or perceived injuries. Be careful out there, people.
posted by psmealey at 3:10 PM on February 11, 2006

Honest, PeterMcDermott, I just look at the pictures.
posted by Sparx at 3:41 PM on February 11, 2006

Yes, jonson, I am.
(with humans, that is - I'm currently seeing MeFi behind WoW's back)
posted by Bucket o' Heads at 3:56 PM on February 11, 2006

are you private about it, or can I ask some details? Two guys & a girl, many guys, many girls? all guys? all girls? living together? ongoing for many years? in some crazy cult? etc...
posted by jonson at 5:05 PM on February 11, 2006

"Your Imagination" is the best song off of the Private Eyes album.

Mock me now. Download and thank me later.
posted by flarbuse at 5:08 PM on February 11, 2006

I'm pretty open about it. Feel free to email me (check the profile). I don't think this thread is the best place for discussion about it (maglev style derail :)
posted by Bucket o' Heads at 6:56 PM on February 11, 2006

"let us take a moment to ponder the difficulties that two-timing scumbags of either gender will have trying to please everyone at once, on this holiday that was created by a greeting card company, yet ultimately benefits private detectives more than any other holiday of the year."

I'm also polyamorous, and live with my wife and girlfriend. I've been seeing my girlfriend for two years, and we've lived together for over a year now. We solved the Valentine's Day thing by going to two seperate, nice dinners before Valentine's Day... and on V-Day, we're going out to a nice Moroccan restaurant and watching belly dancing. Other than that, we've bought a bit of chocolate and a giant cookie.

So, really, it's no big problem. I try to be careful that my partner's wishes and feelings are being respected, but more often than not, they're letting me know that everything is great, and that I shouldn't worry about it too much. They usually talk to each other and make plans to divide up my spare time before I'm even aware of it, frankly!

I think the whole "two-timing scumbags" comment is unnecessary, especially when you muddle your subject by mentioning it in the context of people having happy, consentual relationships.
posted by insomnia_lj at 7:12 AM on February 12, 2006

Ummm.... except that it's a direct link to an article about cheaters getting caught. Polyamory is nowhere in the post until commenters brought it up.
posted by jonson at 7:48 AM on February 12, 2006

Cheaters suck. They also have more attention to detail than I do. Hence why I'm Poly. I don't think I could ever keep my lies straight, so I've never bothered.

Alternative because I'm lazy!

Oh and jonson, if you like, I'm happy to answer questions. I've had both good and not so good experiences in poly relationships and I'll be honest about those too. Email is in the profile if you care.
posted by afflatus at 12:26 PM on February 12, 2006

I'll be at work all day and then I go right to school this V-Day. The girlfriend and I will simply celebrate it on some other night. We just had our anniversary anyway.

Consumer whore holidays suck.

And sorry, poly folks, but that shit doesn't work for everyone. Really, it doesn't. Congrats if it's working for you, but it's not for everyone.
posted by drstein at 3:41 PM on February 12, 2006

"polyamory is nowhere in the post..."

It was no doubt brought up because of this link in the post.
posted by insomnia_lj at 9:02 PM on February 12, 2006

Sorry, monogamous folks, but that shit doesn't work for everyone. Really, it doesn't.

It didn't work for your ex-girlfriend, for example.
posted by insomnia_lj at 9:07 PM on February 12, 2006

wow... you really have a bit of a chip on your shoulder regarding your lifestyle, insomnia. The post is about the stress cheaters feel in cheating, which is why I referenced how stressful it could be just trying to please multiple people without lying, let alone trying to keep it secret. The "two timing bastards" comment refers to people who two time their partners, as in, behind the back and against the wishes of the significant other. It was in no way a comment against, in favor, or even about polyamorous lifestyles. And the "ex-girlfriend" line, what is that even in reference to?
posted by jonson at 9:19 PM on February 12, 2006

Soo....what if you actually do have a business trip over Valentine’s day?

I’m a pretty sneaky bastard, but when it comes to my wife (and my mom) I can’t even hide the fact that I’m still drinking coffee.

Laziness I guess. It’s just too easy to tell the truth. You don’t have to worry about keeping your story straight. I like to come home and relax. Not having that kind of sanctuary I think I’d go nuts.
posted by Smedleyman at 10:01 AM on February 13, 2006