JIHAD COLA: For the Warrior Within!

February 23, 2006 1:27 PM

Republic World Newsis a fake news site promoting Robert Ferrigno's contribution to paranoid, apocalyptic literature: Prayers For the Assassin.[MI]
posted by brundlefly (25 comments total)

From the author's website:

Prayers for the Assassin, by Robert Ferrigno asks what would happen if the terrorists win. In 2015, after the simultaneous suitcase-nuke attacks destroy New York and Washington, D.C. --- attacks blamed on the Israeli Mossad --- a civil war breaks out. An uneasy truce leaves the nation divided between an Islamic republic with its capital in Seattle, and the Christian Bible Belt in the old South.

posted by brundlefly at 1:27 PM on February 23, 2006

Based on my difficulty in finding a decent slice of pizza in Minneapolis, I would have to say that the terrorists have already won.

What happened to Pizza Shack?

The terrorists again, I'm sure.
posted by Astro Zombie at 2:01 PM on February 23, 2006

More masturbatory material for the wing nuts, great..

If it was satire, it would be funny but given that large chunk of his readership thinks that Armageddon is just around the corner, it's sad.
posted by doctor_negative at 2:15 PM on February 23, 2006

NY Times review.
posted by longdaysjourney at 2:16 PM on February 23, 2006

According to the map, I'll be living in an Islamic state.

Hmm...I just don't look good in a burqa! Also, I can't imagine Wyoming turning Islamic.
posted by Sharktattoo at 2:23 PM on February 23, 2006

Read the 1st chapter, seems pretty crappy.
posted by sonofsamiam at 2:29 PM on February 23, 2006

If this really happened he could just Hulk out.
posted by Smedleyman at 2:31 PM on February 23, 2006

This is what scares me...

I finished reading it yesterday, and while it’s not the greatest novel in the world, it’s a page-turner and it may be the last truly free novel published before the scimitar lances off the free press. It’s a dystopic nightmare set in dhimmi America, and with each passing day it seems less like a novel than a biography written for characters who haven’t been born yet in an era that’s not here yet, but inevitably will be. Reading it will at least help you prepare for the bloody, dhimmi future. Or decide to fight it. George Orwell’s boot stomping on a human face forever is morphing rapidly into a sandal stomping out the human mind, forever. Prayers for the Assassin is a warning of what’s to come. I agree with the reviewer at the Philly Inquirer—if you only read one novel in 2006, Prayers for the Assassin should be the one you read.

- JunkYardBlog

People are actually taking this crap seriously. They are so deluded as to think that this could ever happen, and are willing to violently prevent it.
posted by brundlefly at 2:34 PM on February 23, 2006

Based on my difficulty in finding a decent slice of pizza in Minneapolis, I would have to say that the terrorists have already won.

Dulono's, dude. They'll stop making tasty pizza when the terrorists pry the dough from their cold, greasy hands.
posted by COBRA! at 2:39 PM on February 23, 2006

I propose that, if the terrorists win, I will get a great deal on my car insurance.

Let's face it, nobody even agrees on what "the terrorsts win(ning)" means, exactly. By definition, terrorists have limited power against their foes, and so strategic fear-catalyzing attacks are their hallmark. Does that mean the terrorists win if they succeed in catalyzing fear? Or do the terrorists win if we give in to their demands; in which case, what does the terrorists winning have to do with taking over the US? IIRC, Bin Laden's big request was about human rights and whatnot. Or is it a 100% Muslim world that represents the win, which doesn't make sense in the face of non-Muslim terrorism?

"The Terrorists Win" is just a euphamism for "We Lose", and that is always represented as a worst-case scenario. Obviously I'm not a big fan of losing, but even Germany didn't suffer after World War II the way people think the US would if the terrorists win; why does everyone assume that involves, say, a hostile takeover of our country?

Oh, wait -- they assume that to instill fear and hatred. You know, those things terrorists also use to get what they want. I guess it all boils down to fear and hatred being great weapons against you, whether it's your side or the other side using it.
posted by davejay at 2:44 PM on February 23, 2006

you know, I read the New York Times review and it's indicative of my problem with Maslin as a reviewer and reviews in general.

What the fuck happened to saying a book sucks? Why can't you say "This book is so unbelievably stupid that the concessions he makes to sane writing are negligable compared to how unbelievably stupid the premise is."

or to quote Dorothy Parker (who is too often quoted, I know. sue me.) This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

reviewers: I challenge you to grow some balls, god damn it.
posted by shmegegge at 2:44 PM on February 23, 2006

Dulono's? Their pizza is all right, but …

Waitaminute! YOU'RE ONE OF THE TERRORISTS, AREN'T YOU?
posted by Astro Zombie at 2:45 PM on February 23, 2006

*twirls mustache, draws up plans for Islamic republic based in Seattle*
posted by COBRA! at 2:49 PM on February 23, 2006

Waitaminute! YOU'RE ONE OF THE TERRORISTS, AREN'T YOU?

Well, he is COBRA!, after all.
posted by 40 Watt at 2:50 PM on February 23, 2006

Islamic Republic based in *Seattle*????
Hahahahahahahahahahahhhhhh, the author obviously has never set foot in the city.
Fundamentalist asshats of any stripe are quickly kicked to the curb and penetrated up the poop chute. Fundamentalists belong with fundamentalists. They should try basing their 'Islamic Republic' in Alabama, with all the other fundamentalist asshats. Redneck fundamentalists against middle eastern fundamentalists. That's something I would like to see.
Seattle. . . that was the laugh of the day. . .
posted by mk1gti at 3:44 PM on February 23, 2006

Meh. I'd rather reread Kim Stanley Robinson's "The Years of Rice and Salt." I think the chances of America becoming a Christian Reconstructionist theocracy are a lot greater than Islam sweeping the nation.

mk1qti: Jesus Christ, which neighborhood do you live in?
posted by RakDaddy at 4:05 PM on February 23, 2006

He needs to write another Jimmy Gage novel.
posted by mrcircles at 4:19 PM on February 23, 2006

mk1gti: Yeah, that was worth a chuckle. Seattle'd be more of a Buddhist regime, with everyone being forced to be more tolerant to others under penaly of harmonious death. This guy equates real patriotic America with Christianity and the dissenters and lirbuls with Islam. Shut off your black and white tube, chummer, we've got reality in a full color display these days.
posted by Furie at 5:06 PM on February 23, 2006

I feel obliged to note that in the Left Behind series Muslims are persicuted as well as Christians, because everybody's supposed to be worshipping the Antichrist. It's the same kind of delusional bullshit, but the two groups of believers would never acknowledge that.
posted by Citizen Premier at 5:35 PM on February 23, 2006

mk1qti: Jesus Christ, which neighborhood do you live in?
posted by RakDaddy at 4:05 PM PST on February 23 [!]
----------------------------------------
Broadway area.
If there was a local zine that describes us it would be
'Everything that moves' in reference to non-discrimanatory sexuality. Hey, we're the land of the horse-fuckers! (or horse fuckees, as the news story told.)
Islamic fundamentalist capitol of the U.S.? Har de Har Har.
posted by mk1gti at 6:45 PM on February 23, 2006

To paraphrase Richard Dawkins, we're a group of living beings that exist in various shades of color, not black and white.
Fundamentalists are only able to see color/non-color, dominant/subservient, human/non-human, power on/power off, believers/nonbelievers, saved/damned to hell for all eternity.

I prefer civilized/uncivilized, reasonable/unreasonable, logical/deeply stupid and backward, aware and conscious/barking at the moon, pawing at the ground.

Fundamentalists, christian or islamic are baying at the moon and pawing at the ground. In short, they are afraid of moving out of their caves and it is best to disempower them for the good of all, whomever they claim (wrongfully) to represent.
posted by mk1gti at 6:54 PM on February 23, 2006

I'll second mk1gti in stating that that shit would fly a lot better in a culture already accustomed to moralistic authoritarian shenanigans.

Seattle would just sneer and piss on your sandals.
posted by stenseng at 7:48 PM on February 23, 2006

People are actually taking this crap seriously.

Somebody was spamming Kuro5hin with fake news from that Republic News page a few weeks ago, which means this publisher's hired an internet marketing consultant, which means I'm assuming any positive reviews on blogs are the result of somebody writing a check.
posted by queen zixi at 9:38 PM on February 23, 2006

I don't know, queen zixi. Little Green Footballs dug it, and I don't think they'd require payment. This just reinforces/fleshes out their world view.
posted by brundlefly at 9:03 AM on February 24, 2006

Thanks for the link..

Sometimes you see something so beautifully odd you feel happily bouncy for the rest of the evening.

Reading about Mormon guerillas ambushing a band of Feyadeen in the canyons near Lake Powell was just the sort of lovely weirdness I needed tonight.

Makes you imagine a great sort of RTS: The Holy War where you could pick random religions and create skirmishes. Mormons vs. Shiites! Buddhists vs. Baptists! Amish vs. Shinto! Fight!
posted by pandaharma at 9:31 PM on February 24, 2006