"I don't want this, I want large bread"

March 23, 2006 7:21 AM

Sprite, 68 degrees and all TVs set to Fox News. The Smoking Gun brings us Vice President Cheney's backstage requirements.
posted by CunningLinguist (68 comments total)

(Please let Advance Office know if it is cable or satellite)

Why?
posted by poppo at 7:26 AM on March 23, 2006

What, no Washington Times? This guy ain't hardcore.
posted by PinkStainlessTail at 7:29 AM on March 23, 2006

He sleeps in a bed! He sits on a chair! HE DRINKS BEVERAGES! Thrilling stuff, this.
posted by nebulawindphone at 7:30 AM on March 23, 2006

Wow. What a demanding bastard. Of all the nerve!
posted by pardonyou? at 7:31 AM on March 23, 2006

What, no Washington Times? This guy ain't hardcore.

The Times is already on the Home Team, so to speak. The reporters (as opposed to the editorial staff) at the WSJ, on the other hand, have been known to go off the reservation at times.
posted by longdaysjourney at 7:35 AM on March 23, 2006

I'm a little surprised that he asks that all the TVs be preset to Fox News. I guess he gets some affirmation from hearing the media repeat his own propaganda.
posted by monju_bosatsu at 7:35 AM on March 23, 2006

Alternatively, even the Veep knows the Washington Times isn't a real paper. :)
posted by longdaysjourney at 7:36 AM on March 23, 2006

nebulawindphone: "He sleeps in a bed! He sits on a chair! HE DRINKS BEVERAGES! Thrilling stuff, this."

Personally, I'm surprised to see that he didn't request carbonated virgin's blood. This is a useful link!
posted by Plutor at 7:36 AM on March 23, 2006

That's right, the VP, like all celebrities, is just like us. 'Cept I don't trust anyone who won't drink a caffeinated beverage. Oh lord, I wish that was the only reason I didn't trust the man...
posted by jrb223 at 7:42 AM on March 23, 2006

I guess he gets some affirmation from hearing the media repeat his own propaganda.

Yeah that's possible and credible, yet I would bet he uses fox news to get last talking points, last things the gubment could be accused about and general hints on what to say next.

It's not like Fox News is like Pravda, or is it ?
posted by elpapacito at 7:47 AM on March 23, 2006

I don't trust anyone who won't drink a caffeinated beverage.

I don't think his heart could handle the stimulation.
posted by Jart at 7:47 AM on March 23, 2006

Air conditioning must be set at 68, huh? Somebody jog my memory-- I seem to be recalling an EC horror comic where a guy has to keep his air conditioner cranked at full blast, because he's dead and will rot if allowed to warm up.
posted by Faint of Butt at 7:48 AM on March 23, 2006

If the Hotel would like to put a gift in the Suite please let the Advance Office know ASAP.

Is this supposed to be a hint? And what is with all the pseudo-German capitalization?
posted by MonkeySaltedNuts at 7:49 AM on March 23, 2006

TSG must have thought they had hit the big one when they got this, but it's all so...reasonable. The FOX news reference may raise a chuckle, but this is really nothing compared to some of the rock star riders they have on the site.
posted by fire&wings at 7:50 AM on March 23, 2006

no, I think the 68 degres have something to do with his heart condition -- excessive cold can be stressful for the heart?


(Please let Advance Office know if it is cable or satellite)

Why?

really, why? that is just bizarre.
posted by matteo at 7:51 AM on March 23, 2006

Is there a such thing as Sprite with caffine in it? I thought that was the whole point of sprite -- clear means it's like coke, but without the caffine and brown stuff.
posted by mathowie at 7:53 AM on March 23, 2006

The whole thing is bizarre. This is what they're worried about?
posted by pretzel at 7:54 AM on March 23, 2006

(Please let Advance Office know if it is cable or satellite)

Why?

For many non-news stations, the west coast gets a delayed feed over cable, but the east coast feed is seen on satellite. I would think live news would be the same on both coasts and in both formats.
posted by mathowie at 7:55 AM on March 23, 2006

no cooler full of extra hearts? no chalices of blood? no special phoneline direct to Satan?

I'm disappointed, frankly.
posted by amberglow at 7:59 AM on March 23, 2006

Everything you ever wanted to know about the Advance Office.

And what is with all the pseudo-German capitalization?

Lamest insinuation ever.
posted by pardonyou? at 8:01 AM on March 23, 2006

Is there a such thing as Sprite with caffine in it? I thought that was the whole point of sprite -- clear means it's like coke, but without the caffine and brown stuff.

Yep. "Caffeine-free Sprite" is redundant. And everything probably has to be decaf because of his heart, as noted above. Remember when Bill Bradley had heart palpitations (or something) when he accidentally drank a cream soda?
posted by rkent at 8:02 AM on March 23, 2006

"Small child, poached MEDIUM!!"
posted by Alvy Ampersand at 8:06 AM on March 23, 2006

I'm disappointed, frankly.

You can't expect the hotel to spring for everything, besides if you bring your own you know the quality of the products you'll get.

Seriously though, why does he require a microwave? The man has a pacemaker, no?
posted by Pollomacho at 8:08 AM on March 23, 2006

We always expect evil to be somehow extraordinary, and we're always surprised when it turns out to be so banal.
posted by Malor at 8:10 AM on March 23, 2006

Please also make sure someone from the team or a Super Volunteer (on radio) is there to receive the Motorcade on Arrival.

What the heck is a Super Volunteer?
posted by ColdChef at 8:16 AM on March 23, 2006

A volunteer with a cape.
posted by PinkStainlessTail at 8:18 AM on March 23, 2006

They bring their own capes.
posted by CunningLinguist at 8:18 AM on March 23, 2006

Jinx.
posted by CunningLinguist at 8:19 AM on March 23, 2006

(and the location of where ice maker is located)

You know, if I worked in the Advance Office, an organization that sends this memo everywhere Cheney stays, I would at least make sure that the memo wasn't full of all sorts of English errors.

The maybe German who wrote this may think it is so important that everything has to be written as a headline. Or maybe he likes to capitalize words to indicate how important the memo is. Or maybe old German habits die hard. In what other language are nouns in the middle of sentence capitalized?
posted by MonkeySaltedNuts at 8:19 AM on March 23, 2006

(and the location of where ice maker is located)

This redundant bit irked me more than the Fox News requirement, for some reason.
posted by The White Hat at 8:21 AM on March 23, 2006

A Super Volunteer is a person that basically works a full time job as an unpaid volunteer. That would be super.
posted by Pollomacho at 8:21 AM on March 23, 2006

Somebody jog my memory-- I seem to be recalling an EC horror comic where a guy has to keep his air conditioner cranked at full blast, because he's dead and will rot if allowed to warm up.
posted by Faint of Butt at 10:48 AM EST on March 23

That would probably be EC's adaptation of H.P. Lovecraft's Cool Air in Vault of Horror #17. Berni Wrightson also did a nice version of it in either Creepy or Eerie magazine.
posted by marxchivist at 8:28 AM on March 23, 2006

I was a Super Volunteer for awhile.

Once Cheney found five Sprites in his room. I'll never forget the sight of the Vice President pistol-whipping the bellhop with a can of soda.
posted by robocop is bleeding at 8:39 AM on March 23, 2006

I originally read this as "68 TVs all set to Fox News" and for some reason that did not seem to surprise me one bit.
posted by travosaurus at 8:43 AM on March 23, 2006

It's not like Fox News is like Pravda...

Heheheheheheheh. Ah-hem. S'cuse me.
posted by bouncebounce at 8:46 AM on March 23, 2006

Thank you, Marxchivist! Why hasn't somebody created the ultimate EC horror online archive yet, searchable by issue, writer, artist, title, theme and keywords? If somebody has, then seriously, let me know.
posted by Faint of Butt at 8:47 AM on March 23, 2006

All lights turned on

Preferably for hours before arrival, After all, even the smallest waste of energy helps the bottom line. I'm surprised they didn't specify ceramic bulbs.
posted by If I Had An Anus at 8:51 AM on March 23, 2006

If the Hotel would like to put a gift in the Suite please let the Advance Office know ASAP.
Is this supposed to be a hint?
Most likely, this is so the Advance Office can alert the Secret Service that the little brown person with the big fruit basket is not a ter-rist. Please don't shoot him.
posted by Thorzdad at 8:59 AM on March 23, 2006

It's not like Fox News is like Pravda, or is it ?
posted by elpapacito at 7:47 AM PST on March 23 [!]

I used to read Pravda back in its hey-day, and although Fox is utterly worthless, it's nothing compared to Pravda.

There was just this unbelievable bleakness to that newspaper.

They would literally have stories, (that were supposed to be of the utmost importance to the proletariat staying informed of what their government was doing for them), that would include lines like," The Light Industrial Manufacturing Sector 19 is proud to announce that ball bearing production is up 31% at Medium Factory #21".

You've never seen a news source like Pravda.
posted by Relay at 9:04 AM on March 23, 2006

You've never seen a news source like Pravda.


you clearly don't read warblogs very much


"68 TVs all set to Fox News"

Murdoch bukkake!
posted by matteo at 9:21 AM on March 23, 2006

What?

No bath tub full of the fresh blood of Liberal babies?
posted by HTuttle at 9:24 AM on March 23, 2006

Murdoch bukkake!

Ewwwww...
posted by meh at 9:24 AM on March 23, 2006

latest issue of barely legal
posted by obeygiant at 9:38 AM on March 23, 2006

no cooler full of extra hearts? no chalices of blood? no special phoneline direct to Satan?

You think Cheney got where he is by trusting key details like this to the staff of some random Westin? That'd be like calling a yellow cab to the undisclosed location. Cheney's chalice bearer travels with his entourage, I can assure you. And has an impeccable courtier's nose for virgin blood.

We always expect evil to be somehow extraordinary, and we're always surprised when it turns out to be so banal.

For the record, Leonard Cohen's "All There Is To Know About Adolf Eichmann." Call Godwin if you must, but it seems more apropos by the day.
posted by gompa at 9:43 AM on March 23, 2006

What, no shotgun? I suppose he's arriving armed.
posted by graventy at 9:46 AM on March 23, 2006

The Fox News request makes sense. I'm sure he wants to turn on Fox News to see what kind of job he's doing, and Fox News isn't always available in hotel rooms.

Imagine the consequences if he had to view the nonsense they show on CNN!
posted by I Love Tacos at 10:03 AM on March 23, 2006

Hah. His rider is only one page long - and it's pretty simple & reasonable.

Still interesting to see, but not too out of the ordinary. And in case anyone is wondering, artists like Van Halen would throw in stuff like "remove all green M&M's" in their riders as a safety measure. If they showed up at a venue and the green M&M's were still there, it demonstrated that the venue staff didn't read the paperwork carefully, and as a result other issues could exist. Smart idea if you think about it.
posted by drstein at 10:14 AM on March 23, 2006

Excellent Spinal Tap reference, CunningLinguist.
posted by tizzie at 10:20 AM on March 23, 2006

I'm kind of disappointed that he doesn't ask for a six-pack of Pabst Blue Ribbon, or a PlayStation 2 or something. He doesn't even need internet access!
posted by teleskiving at 10:20 AM on March 23, 2006

All lights turned on. Temperature set to 68 degrees... he sure likes to waste electricity, but that's not surprising.
posted by mike3k at 10:22 AM on March 23, 2006

Dude just wants a chance to kick off his shoes, rest his hooves, take off that restrictive face-mask so his horns can breathe, fer chrissakes. You guys are being so darn mean about it.
posted by contessa at 10:29 AM on March 23, 2006

That Murdoch bukkake line just killed me. I had no idea my heart was as weak as Cheney's. Must be the Wyoming living.
posted by JeremyT at 10:45 AM on March 23, 2006

(Please let Advance Office know if it is cable or satellite.)

Why?

More porn options on satellite.
posted by wsg at 10:56 AM on March 23, 2006

Temperature set to 68 degrees... he sure likes to waste electricity, but that's not surprising.

For what it's worth, where I'm from, keeping the thermostat at 68 (versus, say, 74) year-round would substantially save energy.
posted by pardonyou? at 11:28 AM on March 23, 2006

I heard if he finds a single brown M&M he trashes the place.
posted by Cookiebastard at 11:47 AM on March 23, 2006

If the Hotel would like to put a gift in the Suite please let the Advance Office know ASAP.

Read: Prostitute.
posted by iamck at 3:09 PM on March 23, 2006

And in case anyone is wondering, artists like Van Halen would throw in stuff like "remove all green M&M's" in their riders as a safety measure.

just for the record, it's brown m&ms. Get's in the way of their "brown sound."
posted by captainscared at 4:38 PM on March 23, 2006

For what it's worth, where I'm from, keeping the thermostat at 68 (versus, say, 74) year-round would substantially save energy.

Eh, global warming will fix that soon enough.
posted by oats at 6:32 PM on March 23, 2006

I'll generally take one of them Sprites from the collection of free sodas at work and enjoy it, but now, how can I not think of Cheney when I do so?! Diet 7-up must be procured at once.
posted by ambient2 at 8:10 PM on March 23, 2006

The Light Industrial Manufacturing Sector 19 is proud to announce that ball bearing production is up 31% at Medium Factory #21".
You've never seen a news source like Pravda.
posted by Relay at 12:04 PM EST on March 23 [!]

I laughed much harder at this then at the demands. I think it was the "proud to announce" part that had me laughing uncontrollably.
posted by Secret Life of Gravy at 10:12 PM on March 23, 2006

The Daily Show took a whack at this last night but you guys were much funnier.
posted by CunningLinguist at 4:47 AM on March 24, 2006

If the Hotel would like to put a gift in the Suite please let the Advance Office know ASAP.
Is this supposed to be a hint?

There are rather stringent rules regarding the cataloging, appraisal, valuation and proper dissemination of gifts received by elected officials while serving in a professional capacity. If it's known that a gift will be given, the Advance team will know to bring the proper forms, etc. to ensure that the gift rules are followed. The archivists and gift managers are some anal people about this stuff. (Does no one watch The West Wing?)
posted by Dreama at 5:31 AM on March 24, 2006

If the Hotel would like to put a gift in the Suite please let the Advance Office know ASAP.
Is this supposed to be a hint?

There are rather stringent rules regarding the cataloging, appraisal, valuation and proper dissemination of gifts received by elected officials ...

There are many constructions in language used to indicate degrees of politeness and to form indirect requests.

A neutral way of conveying this information could have been something like: If the hotel is thinking of leaving a gift in ...

However this particular sentence is marked with faux politeness. Grician implicature makes this statement come across as a request.
posted by MonkeySaltedNuts at 6:58 AM on March 24, 2006

So, if you have proof of something that people gossip about, does that make it news?

Up next, Bush's grocery list!

"I knew it, the bushling eats bananas! See, it's funny and relevant, because there's this site that compares him to a chimp! He's such a doody-face! Hyuk, hyuk, hyuk..."
posted by elderling at 7:17 AM on March 24, 2006

I was working for this billionaire a bit back and he had zero requirements for his speaking preparation. Zip. Nada. So I told some people to get some bottled water and some watery fruits (cantalope, watermellon, etc.) Since he was speaking, I figured it's good to be well hydrated.
They hadn't shown up for a bit so I put another guy in charge went over to a grocery store, picked up a one-person fruit tray and a couple bottles of water.

I come back and the room is filled with a few cases of water and a mountain of fruit and cheese and noshables.

Some times it's the people around whoever Mr. Big is and they have jag off attacks trying to attract his attention.

He ate the fruit salad I got him, took a small bottle of water, thanked me and went on.
Everyone looked at me like I was the asshole. You get depended on, there's a familiarity (first name basis, all that) but I wasn't Joe Corporation, my job was him, so I wasn't playing office politics or anything. But 9 out of 10 that's where a lot of this comes from. People trying to go over the top to prove how much they care about you and your comfort.

I'm with drstein - Van Halen I understand does the green M&M thing to make sure the contract has been read and followed (that's 4th or 5th hand though, so...)
posted by Smedleyman at 7:37 AM on March 24, 2006

I remember watching Fox News just before the election. As a "TERROR ALERT" logo flashed in the corner, the crawl said:

....Kerry's second big lie?....
posted by digaman at 4:50 PM on March 24, 2006

Daily Show additions to the list.
posted by kirkaracha at 9:00 AM on March 25, 2006

from the deleted dup thread, 2sheets links us Kerry's tour rider
posted by MonkeySaltedNuts at 11:02 AM on March 27, 2006