Gimplings

April 1, 2006 8:20 PM

If you're like me, sometimes you wish you had a fully customizable, living, breathing, sexual aid. I'm here to tell you that your prayers have been answered: introducing the Gimpling™
posted by mathowie (43 comments total)

Heavily scarred rectum / colon, not recommended for anal use.

Awesome!
posted by Balisong at 8:24 PM on April 1, 2006

Isn't this MeatBomb's site?
posted by Gator at 8:27 PM on April 1, 2006

Wait, don't you already have a quonsar, Matt?
posted by Balisong at 8:28 PM on April 1, 2006

Even as commentary, this is sickening - in an interesting, eye-opening kind of way, of course... but yes, this sort of thing really creeps me out, even as satire.
posted by OverlappingElvis at 8:29 PM on April 1, 2006

Matt, you should be ashamed of yourself.

Now flag yourself and move on.
posted by wendell at 8:31 PM on April 1, 2006

Although, if you were flagging yourself, you wouldn't need a Gimpling.
*rimshot*
posted by wendell at 8:32 PM on April 1, 2006

And Eideteker seems so much less annoying in this thread.
posted by wendell at 8:35 PM on April 1, 2006

"Bitsy"

Place/D.O.B.
Nicaragua 11 / 10 / 1996

Notes
Very tight - not suitable for more well-endowed owners. Trained mainly for oral and rimjobs.

Hahaha! Classy!
posted by Espy Gillespie at 8:35 PM on April 1, 2006

Not nearly customizable enough.
posted by Faint of Butt at 8:39 PM on April 1, 2006

Why does this sound familiar? Ah yes - alt.tasteless, nine or so years ago, long before nanotech or other such fantasies. Ladies and gentlemen, the fucktard.
posted by hangashore at 8:44 PM on April 1, 2006

Even as commentary, this is sickening - in an interesting, eye-opening kind of way, of course... but yes, this sort of thing really creeps me out, even as satire

That's exactly the sort of vibe I am aiming for, OverlappingElvis... mission accomplished :)
posted by Meatbomb at 8:44 PM on April 1, 2006

Re: fucktard...

No way, aw, shucks, I thought for once in my life I had an original idea...
posted by Meatbomb at 8:46 PM on April 1, 2006

Sweet tap dancing Jesus, Matt.

What's really horrible is that I'm sure there are people in the world who'd be perfectly delighted if this were real.
posted by jokeefe at 8:48 PM on April 1, 2006

What's really horrible is that I'm sure there are people in the world who'd be perfectly delighted if this were real.

That's part of what makes the gag so ironic and post modern, jokeefe... and sick and repulsive as well, I grant you.
posted by Meatbomb at 8:55 PM on April 1, 2006

Normal human prostitutes and escorts have their own personal boundaries and limits...

Even after years of art school, I believed that this was true, .... that is , until Mefi introduced the silicone penis man... and now this .

Ovy vey.
posted by R. Mutt at 8:58 PM on April 1, 2006

*Oy vey.
posted by R. Mutt at 9:00 PM on April 1, 2006

What if my Gimpling is sleeping?
posted by keswick at 9:06 PM on April 1, 2006

No way, aw, shucks, I thought for once in my life I had an original idea...

Hey, you can't be expected to be familiar with decade-old Usenet postings (don't know why I remembered it - it certainly wasn't my work). I give you bonus points for the execution - nice graphics and detailed text ("Gimpling Special Diet" - gold). An annoying Flash intro woulda been icing on the cake.
posted by hangashore at 9:16 PM on April 1, 2006

Extensive cigarrette burns on back and buttocks; no tongue.

So rimjobs are out, huh?
posted by puke & cry at 9:51 PM on April 1, 2006 [1 favorite]

My Gimpling has been meeting my aberrant needs with enthusiasm and drooling idiocy since the day she arrived. What a great service! I'm currently keeping her shackled in the basement, feeding her dog food, and making her call me "Jesus".

Thanks, Gimpling!
posted by BitterOldPunk at 11:12 PM on April 1, 2006

The last article of fucktard is signed:

For the human race,
Geoff Miller Jr.

Dude, Geoff Miller is my neighbor! He posts high quality snark on ba.mountain-folk.
posted by ryanrs at 11:38 PM on April 1, 2006

On second thought, "snark" doesn't really describe Geoff's posts. Geoff's posts aren't snarky; they're rude, tasteless, and offensive. But also articulate, humorous, and very well written. Even as a cyclist, I always found his posts a pleasure to read.
posted by ryanrs at 12:15 AM on April 2, 2006

mefi: for gimplings only
posted by jono at 12:54 AM on April 2, 2006

he started with cat-scan.com and he's gone straight downhill since. i think bannination is in order.
posted by quonsar at 6:10 AM on April 2, 2006

It's not really realistic at all. Slavery is cheaper. Why pay a ridiculous amount to have science provide you with a pale imitation when you can have a real woman, kidnapped, beaten, potty trained, and delivered right to your door for much less? There's already a vigorous market in sex slaves without anything like nanites necessary. If you can get the girl young enough some plain old tough love will get the job done.
posted by nixerman at 7:50 AM on April 2, 2006

Swiftiano mas grande, Meatbomb. It is easy to forget just how outrageous Dean Swift's satire still is. It is but a short hop from the raising of Hibernians for the dinner table to Guatemalan sex droids priced in euros. You have nailed the tone and idiom of modern product promotion via the internets.

As for the Fucktard (TM), does anyone know if Mr. Miller's equally corrosive posting was the genesis of the now semi-ubiquitous appellation?
posted by rdone at 7:51 AM on April 2, 2006

As for the Fucktard (TM), does anyone know if Mr. Miller's equally corrosive posting was the genesis of the now semi-ubiquitous appellation?

Turns out that the original post was the work of one M. Mitchell Marmel (a.k.a. Mindless Cynic), and the "Geoff Miller Jr." at the end of the post was presumably the satirical progeny of the poster ryanrs references. Note that "Jr." references himself as being 86 years old in a note dated "June 24, 2096."

As for origins, here's the earliest Usenet incidence I could find with a Google Groups search - June 13, 1994, during a flamewar in alt.music.alternative, of all places. I'm guessing it goes back further than that.
posted by hangashore at 8:15 AM on April 2, 2006

It's not really realistic at all. Slavery is cheaper. Why pay a ridiculous amount to have science provide you with a pale imitation when you can have a real woman, kidnapped, beaten, potty trained, and delivered right to your door for much less?

Quoting copy from the website in response, nixerman:

"...sex slaves will always have their minds on escape and justice...allows the owner to use a human body as he sees fit, for his own needs, without the guilt of dealing with a human mind"

By extension, I'd say that there are a lot more men that would be comfortable buying a Gimpling than would be comfortable dominating a sex slave - we aren't all such cruel sadists, you know? You get what you pay for, and the Gimpling provides guilt free peace of mind. You don't get that with a fully functional human chained up in your basement.

How much does a decent slave cost these days? I think the Gimpling could be competitive.
posted by Meatbomb at 9:11 AM on April 2, 2006

Meatbomb,

You'd want to do a bit more market research then. Half the fun is the domination. The thrill of being completely in control is much more enhanced when there's the possibility of resistance. Plus, of course, most guys will want the occassional conversation. Sex aids have to address both physical and emotional needs: you'll need to offer a realistic experience and a solution for loneliness. Really, I think the product is the wrong solution to the wrong problem. Sex slavery is the way to go on this front. Instead of nanites, I'd suggest ripping out the cortex completely and replacing it with a remote control mechanism. You'd also need a wifi antenna of course. It's less complicated and you get the holy grail: subscription revenue. The marks will pay extra each month to have somebody (say Chinese orphans?) control their Gimpling's higher-order functions during the various sessions.
posted by nixerman at 9:20 AM on April 2, 2006

Ah, it's refreshing to get a blast of such thorough, yet innocent, evil. :)
posted by Malor at 9:24 AM on April 2, 2006

This brings up an important point that entrepeneurs should understand: human labor is cheap. I see all these business plans that call for sophisticated ranking algorithms, artifical intelligence, and the like and it just doesn't make any sense. Why not get a real human from the third world?
posted by nixerman at 9:25 AM on April 2, 2006

Grossness aside, the satire is lame and obvious. Would have barely made the cut for a MAD-TV skit.
posted by applemeat at 9:41 AM on April 2, 2006

Actually, third world humans aren't so good at conversation (or tech support).

But perhaps mathowie has already solved the conversation problem with Metafilter. Just think of the warm bodies as a prettier, more user-friendly interface. Call it Web 3.0.
posted by ryanrs at 9:50 AM on April 2, 2006

Sex slavery is the way to go on this front. Instead of nanites, I'd suggest ripping out the cortex completely and replacing it with a remote control mechanism. You'd also need a wifi antenna of course.

I remember reading a science-fiction short story where bodies without brains were used (at least initially) for tasks too dangerous for live workers (e.g. work in radiation-flooded areas). The bodies were obtained from disasters (e.g. space transport accidents) and, as in your concept, the brains were replaced or augmented by a remotely controlled implant. Besides work, the bodies could be used for entertainment ('corpse boxing'), but there were also brothels set up where the 'staff' responded to biofeedback from the clients.
I think I'll go shower in hot bleach right about now.

Why not get a real human from the third world?

...which sadly brings us back to the recent Thai bar girls postings (link 1, link 2).
posted by hangashore at 9:50 AM on April 2, 2006

It's like a slightly more/less nightmarish (I can't decide which) version of the Kissmammal.
posted by ArmyOfKittens at 9:55 AM on April 2, 2006

My Gimpling has started to just want to talk about our relationship.

It's creeping me out.
posted by Danf at 9:57 AM on April 2, 2006

It's like a slightly more/less nightmarish (I can't decide which) version of the Kissmammal.
posted by ArmyOfKittens at 12:55 PM EST on April 2 [!]

Thanks for posting that link, this post made me remember the Kissmammal also, but I didn't remember the name of it and couldn't begin to think how to search for it.
posted by marxchivist at 11:35 AM on April 2, 2006

ick
posted by FunkyHelix at 1:56 PM on April 2, 2006

Not funny.
posted by Slarty Bartfast at 4:54 PM on April 2, 2006

This is basically what Jeffrey Dahmer tried to create by injecting hydrochloric acid into his victims' skulls.
posted by Devils Slide at 6:53 PM on April 2, 2006

This isn't funny, it's nauseating. After browsing the site I had a 'scrub my soul with lye' moment, like after I saw Natural Born Killers or From Beyond. Since this reaction was the point, I salute it.

This is in the best tradition of a.t. and a worthy (if unknown) descendent.
posted by djeo at 7:18 PM on April 2, 2006

Creepy, yes. Funny, not so much.
posted by GuyZero at 6:52 AM on April 3, 2006

I was surprisingly unaffected by this. Knowing that it was satire, I somehow wasn't creeped out by it. I kind of read it just to see how well thought-out the concept was. (Not for any comic value though) Usually I'm pretty sensitive to that sort of thing, so now I'm wondering why I'm not feeling ill reading it.

*goes back to site*

Ahh... it's because I hadn't yet looked at the "available now" page. *shudder*
posted by raedyn at 10:05 AM on April 3, 2006