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What Would Chuck Norris Have Done?
April 12, 2006 8:41 PM   Subscribe

The ninja problem at one university has been quelled, thanks to the performance of your federal agents. Turns out, the perp was a costumed college student heading back from a church-related event. Think these guys will help him sue?
posted by SuperNova (39 comments total)

 
I happen to know the alleged ninja, and he's about the last person I'd expect to run into trouble with the law. It's fitting that the chase ended up at a dining hall, considering the egg on the agents' faces.

Also of note -- this is one of several campus ninja incidents lately, I kid you not. A friend of mine who works dorm security said there was a ninja harassing people the other night. Maybe it's a legitimate problem after all...
Guess I forgot to put the [mi]... oh well...
posted by SuperNova at 8:41 PM on April 12, 2006


“Seeing someone with something across the face, from a federal standpoint — that’s not right,” McLemore said, explaining why agents believed something to be amiss.

Oh, ok.
posted by exlotuseater at 8:45 PM on April 12, 2006


So, the ATF has jurisdiction over anything, anywhere?
posted by Ethereal Bligh at 8:47 PM on April 12, 2006


If a group of guys without uniforms started yelling and pointing guns at me I'd run like hell too.
posted by 517 at 8:48 PM on April 12, 2006


Well, if it isn't right, EB, it isn't right. You kids know better than to have something across your face. From a federal standpoint, that's just unacceptable. The public has a right to security — ninjas are not very American, are they? I support our troops. Why do you hate America?
posted by blacklite at 8:49 PM on April 12, 2006


What the hell? Why are they kneeling on the head and/or neck of that kid?

Hey kid? Get a ninja lawyer and sue the fuckers.
posted by loquacious at 8:59 PM on April 12, 2006


I didn't realize the ATF were so . . . portly.
posted by grobstein at 9:20 PM on April 12, 2006


What's with the bullshit claim that they saw him with a gun? Is that the way they can claim to have juristiction?
posted by pitchblende at 9:28 PM on April 12, 2006


Could it be, that the ATF just outed themselves as pirates?
posted by KirkJobSluder at 9:36 PM on April 12, 2006


What the hell? Why are they kneeling on the head and/or neck of that kid?

What he said. Certainly getting their licks in, aren't they? Looks painful.
posted by uncanny hengeman at 9:55 PM on April 12, 2006


How close was he to becoming the next Jean Charles de Menezes?
posted by uncanny hengeman at 10:08 PM on April 12, 2006


What the hell? Why are they kneeling on the head and/or neck of that kid?

Well, he is a ninja. He might flip out and kill people.
posted by Mikey-San at 10:15 PM on April 12, 2006


From the article: Agents noticed Ransom peering around a corner and said when police sirens sounded, he took off running.

But if what they say is true… sheesh, cut them some slack, maybe. Coincidences happen.

A buddy of mine was a passenger in a car waiting in a fast food line. Had a VHS video to return to the store 50m away. Noticed the store was closing. Decamped from car at great speed. Cops driving thru car park at the exact same time. Thought something was up and gave chase. Buddy had some splainin to do!

nb. VHS = before the War on Tuhr!
posted by uncanny hengeman at 10:16 PM on April 12, 2006


I didn't realize the ATF were so . . . portly.

I assume that it is the Georgia regiment.
posted by pwedza at 10:18 PM on April 12, 2006


Typical.

Over-zealous cops screw up, and then rationalize it afterwards.
Fabricating utter nonsense to justify their overwhelminng use of force in an essentially harmless situation. The claim that he "took off running after sirens sounded" is demonstrably ridiculous. The incident had just started, there were no uniformed Police with radio cars involved.

The gun accusation is especially telling. Yelling about a non-existant weapon, you can bet a throw-down would have appeared had they discharged their weapons in their zeal to protect college campuses against the Ninja scourge that is ruining post-secondary education in America.
posted by PareidoliaticBoy at 10:44 PM on April 12, 2006


From a federal perspective, we become very concerned when we see ninjas.
posted by Pacheco at 10:45 PM on April 12, 2006


He couldn't have been a real ninja, cause ninjas are cool (i.e. totally sweet). The ATF should've understood this.
posted by dopamine at 10:59 PM on April 12, 2006


By offering an alternative position, I probably seem too much on the fence. PareidoliaticBoy is probably much closer to the truth. Look how law enforcement's story doesn't seem to gel in the Jean Charles de Menezes case.

Maybe it was even a training run by the ATF? "We know there's a Ninja vs. Pirate thang happening. We know one of these jokers is going to walk along campus dressed as a Ninja…"

Q: is it common practice for ATF agents to be on American campuses? Like, are they often there to check on alcohol-related goings on or something more innocent?


If a group of guys without uniforms started yelling and pointing guns at me I'd run like hell too.

Wasn't that a similar defence that David Koresh used against the same law enforcement agency? Except that his followers shot back, rather than ran.
posted by uncanny hengeman at 12:09 AM on April 13, 2006


Why do they hate mammals?
posted by Joeforking at 1:00 AM on April 13, 2006


I wonder who phoned in the tip to the government that there would be terrorist ninjas running around on the college campus, and they better get there asses over there. Really, what were the agents doing there in the first place?

I guess having pranky goofy college fun is considered terrorist activity anymore. Sheesh.
posted by Eekacat at 3:18 AM on April 13, 2006


You don't understand, after 9/11 everything changed ! War is peace, truth is false, right is wrong, man is woman, cat is dog but surprisingly so shit remains shit !
posted by elpapacito at 3:57 AM on April 13, 2006


"Ninjas vs. Pirates party?"

Can these start existing where I live? Like right now?
posted by XQUZYPHYR at 4:09 AM on April 13, 2006


Can these start existing where I live? Like right now?

I vote for blondes vs reds chix pillow fight !
posted by elpapacito at 4:16 AM on April 13, 2006


And when they came for the ninjas, I did not speak up, because I was not a ninja...
posted by beth at 4:39 AM on April 13, 2006


And when they came for the ninjas, I did not speak up, because I was not a ninja...

That's totally something a ninja incognito would say. I'm calling the ATF!
posted by robocop is bleeding at 5:12 AM on April 13, 2006


They'll be wanting to stop innocent lumberjacking next, just you watch.
posted by bonehead at 6:27 AM on April 13, 2006


I feel so much safer knowing we're being protected by such brave and intelligent agents. [cough]
That ninja looked just like a terrorist!
posted by nofundy at 6:40 AM on April 13, 2006


"Where's the gun?" "I don't have a gun; I've never had a gun," Ransom said. "He said, 'I saw you with a gun. Where'd you stash it?' "

He's lucky they didn't shoot him for flashing that gun.
posted by caddis at 7:03 AM on April 13, 2006


Since when is wearing a mask a crime? Does my face have to be visible so Federal agents can recognize me at any time? This kid was running across a college campus in broad daylight in Athens, Georgia.

I guess we can only be glad that didn't surround the Wesley Foundation and proceed to burn it down with everyone inside.
posted by MasonDixon at 7:38 AM on April 13, 2006


Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearm agents, on campus Tuesday for Project Safe Neighborhoods training

That's probably training residents of the local neighborhood watch to report gun crime.

After chasing Ransom and identifying themselves, ATF agents detained him, turning him over once University Police arrived

Federal agents have arrest authority anywhere (literally -- extraterritorial too) for federal crimes, but in this case they were exercising normal detention powers (and the Supreme Court has ruled that detention is not the same as arrest). Only the campus police force could have actually arrested him.

Although the Supreme Court has actually ruled that you can run from the police (i.e. just running from them is not in itself an arrestable offense), I wouldn't advise it if you're dressed like a ninja.

Lord, though, it's been a long time since these guys were in college -- you know it's summer break when there aren't things like ninjas sneaking around campus. We used to play Assassin and such (not to mention the odd water balloon fight, or SCA types wandering around with swords in peace ties) -- back in the 80s there was a spate of stories about kids playing that, especially after the movie TAG, getting arrested.
posted by dhartung at 8:41 AM on April 13, 2006


Simply by catching him, they proved that he was not, in fact, a ninja. Ninja cannot be apprehended. QED.

If ever you catch a ninja, you must let him go, for he is not a ninja.

Whoah.

Vanish!
posted by speedo at 8:52 AM on April 13, 2006


Since when is wearing a mask a crime? Does my face have to be visible so Federal agents can recognize me at any time?

Unless they've changed things recently, it's illegal to wear a mask in Georgia except on Hallowe'en (and other specified days?). The law is in place to control the Klan.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 9:35 AM on April 13, 2006


Is that (rather heavy-looking) fellow putting all his weight on that kid's neck? Holy shit, that must have been painful.
posted by jenovus at 9:48 AM on April 13, 2006


1. Ninjas are mammals.

2. Ninjas fight ALL the time.

3. The purpose of the ninja is to flip out and kill people.
posted by analogue at 10:04 AM on April 13, 2006


Here's a follow-up, if you're interested.
posted by SuperNova at 10:29 AM on April 13, 2006


The agents were on campus for Project Safe Neighborhoods, a training program they put on for state and local law enforcement. Tuesday’s program was hosted by University police.

I daresay their training failed them here - the ATF agents were apparently the most dangerous thing in the neighborhood.

Ransom was doubtful the group would cut back on events or costumes for Spirit Week, but said organizers have suggested students steer clear of wearing masks.

Yeah, because nothing would embarass these ATF agents more than being forced to shoot you for wearing a friggin' bandana over your face. After all, it's your fault.
posted by FormlessOne at 11:39 AM on April 13, 2006


And when they came for the ninjas, I did not speak up, because I was not a ninja...

And when they came for the mimes, I did not speak up, even though I was not a mime...
posted by davejay at 12:38 PM on April 13, 2006


"Where's the gun?" "I don't have a gun; I've never had a gun," Ransom said. "He said, 'I saw you with a gun. Where'd you stash it?' "

Aw, c'mon. We all know ninjas don't use guns. That's just common ninja-sense.
posted by NationalKato at 2:16 PM on April 13, 2006


More follow-up: Jeremiah Ransom was summarily dismissed from the UGA Kai ninja clan. Leader O Bulldog san was overheard muttering anyone caught by those two fat bastards deserved to get his butt kicked.
posted by MetalDog at 7:20 PM on April 13, 2006


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