Butt formula
April 13, 2006 5:13 AM   Subscribe

I like (S+C) x (B+F)/T = V butts and I cannot lie.
posted by swift (63 comments total)

 
I'm still waiting for someone to begin classifying each butt. I want numbers on Jessica Alba, Vida Guerra and a multitude of other specimens.
posted by Clamwacker at 5:16 AM on April 13, 2006


You fancy yourself an ass-girl-woman, eh?
posted by rxrfrx at 5:17 AM on April 13, 2006


No comment.
posted by Faint of Butt at 5:18 AM on April 13, 2006


Ooh, it's got lots of parentheses and stuff, it MUST be true!
posted by Malor at 5:21 AM on April 13, 2006


Yeah. What does that formula mean anyway?
posted by nebulawindphone at 5:24 AM on April 13, 2006


"Slender thighs and a hip-to-waist ratio of 0.7 will frame the perfect bum, well perfectly."

Hunh? Waist bigger than hips? I don't care if Dr. Holmes wins the Nobel Prize in Buttology, he don't know jack about butt.
posted by TimeFactor at 5:28 AM on April 13, 2006


So David Holmes, a lecturer in psychology at Manchester Met, has done a questionnaire. Great.

His areas of expertise are listed on his website as: Stalking, Offender Profiling, Abnormal Psychology, Munchausen Syndrome By Proxy, Psychopathy, Forensic Psychopathology, Autism, Criminology, Nonverbal Behaviour, Media Psychology, Parapsychology, Personal & Pathological Relationships, Public Interest Psychology, Lifestyle Psychology, and arses.

OK so the last one's a joke, but hey, so's his research.
posted by handee at 5:30 AM on April 13, 2006


This is an equation relating various subjective measures, not a function that gives some kind of assessment as output. Article and writing are very unclear. D+. Please rewrite don't write.
posted by Wolfdog at 5:32 AM on April 13, 2006


Butt clusters?

Ew.
posted by Cookiebastard at 5:33 AM on April 13, 2006


Could we have some images in this thread, please? Just for demonstrative purposes, you know.
posted by Meatbomb at 5:33 AM on April 13, 2006


Where's cellulite in the equation? You can have a perfect ass and look like an acne scarred 16 year old.
posted by geoff. at 5:33 AM on April 13, 2006


And a girl friend of mine figure the perfect equation for penis it is lim x->inf f(x)=x^2
posted by elpapacito at 5:40 AM on April 13, 2006


Having RTFA, cellulite is represented in the equation by T, for skin texture.
posted by emelenjr at 5:40 AM on April 13, 2006


And it is, of course, quite simple to reduce skin texture to a number.

*rolls eyes*
posted by Malor at 5:43 AM on April 13, 2006


I like (S+C) x (B+F)/T = V butts and I cannot lie.

You other Mefites can deny, but when a girl walks in with a large hip to waist ratio, V, and a round C in my face I get sprung.
posted by three blind mice at 5:44 AM on April 13, 2006


By the way, it would have been thoroughly inappropriate, but quite funny, if you'd used the title "Grecian Formula" instead.

Did I actually just type that?
posted by Malor at 5:46 AM on April 13, 2006


Those scientists!
posted by Drexen at 6:12 AM on April 13, 2006


bookmarked
posted by NinjaTadpole at 6:21 AM on April 13, 2006


Bears repeating.
posted by yerfatma at 6:25 AM on April 13, 2006


... Not being "with" much of modern celebrity, I had no idea who Vida Guerra was. She sounded like a 50's movie star.
Google has therefore just given me a small seizure.

posted by NinjaTadpole at 6:26 AM on April 13, 2006


I am incredibly upset about this, having established the Beyonce-Alba Gluteal Supremacy Theory over a year ago.

Expect Prof. Willis and myself to examine legal options immediately.
posted by XQUZYPHYR at 6:28 AM on April 13, 2006


For the analysis of callipygian women, I would refer Mefites to the real expert on the subject. (NSFW)
posted by grex at 6:37 AM on April 13, 2006


The Mets have the best record in baseball. Try explaining that with your fancy formulas.
posted by poppo at 6:38 AM on April 13, 2006


I, also, want to thank you, Clamwacker, for Vida Guerra.
posted by geekyguy at 6:47 AM on April 13, 2006


But why is Oliver Willis a black man AND Phd in Bootyology ? Coincidence ? It's a mistery , I can't teach you.
posted by elpapacito at 6:52 AM on April 13, 2006


*deep breath* BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
posted by jon_kill at 6:58 AM on April 13, 2006


Any theory that has Kylie rating higher than J.Lo has a fatal flaw.
posted by dame at 7:06 AM on April 13, 2006


But why is Oliver Willis a black man

Umm... I'm guessing his parents were a factor in that?
posted by XQUZYPHYR at 7:16 AM on April 13, 2006


Presenter: You have a new theory about the women's bottoms.

Miss Elk: Can I just say here Chris for one moment that I have a new theory about women's bottoms?

Presenter: Er... exactly. (he gestures but she does not say anything) What is it?

Miss Elk: Where? (looks round)

Presenter: No, no. Your new theory.

Miss Elk: Oh, what is my theory?

Presenter: Yes.

Miss Elk: Oh what is my theory that it is. Well Chris you may well ask me what is my theory.

Presenter: I am asking.

Miss Elk: Good for you. My word yes. Well Chris, what is it that it is - this theory of mine. Well, this is what it is - my theory that I have, that is to say, which is mine, is mine.

Presenter: (beginning to show signs of exasperation) Yes, I know it's yours, what is it?

Miss Elk: Where? Oh, what is my theory? This is it. (clears throat at some length) My theory that belongs to me is as follows. (clears throat at great length) This is how it goes. The next thing I"m going to say is my theory. Ready?

Presenter: Yes!

Miss Elk: My theory by A. Elk. Brackets Miss, brackets.

This theory goes as follows and begins now.

All women's bottoms are thin at one end, much much thicker in the middle and then thin again at the far end. That is my theory, it is mine, and belongs to me and I own it, and what it is too.
posted by Nicholas West at 7:18 AM on April 13, 2006


Dr Oliver Johnson's formula for the newsworthiness of bullshit formulae.
posted by dansdata at 7:18 AM on April 13, 2006


Combine this with my Unified Butt Theory and we got the makings of a Nobel. Although I'd prefer to do a little more [cough] research first.
posted by jonmc at 7:19 AM on April 13, 2006


I am reminded of that pioneering paper, A Stress Analysis of a Strapless Evening Gown.
posted by adamrice at 7:27 AM on April 13, 2006


I think I'm going to have a giant poster of that equation in my room.

"Oh, you guys wanna see the perfect ass? I've got a poster of the perfect ass in my room"
posted by thanatogenous at 7:39 AM on April 13, 2006


Where are the pictures?

And if we are going to post pictures, can I request some specific versions?
posted by dios at 7:41 AM on April 13, 2006


It took us only 101 years to get from e = mc^2 to (S+C) x (B+F)/T = V

And who says science doesn't progress?
posted by dances_with_sneetches at 7:55 AM on April 13, 2006


I think the formula more accurately indicates the slowest newsday ever!
(I can't believe this was on the front page of some papers)
(I also find it sort of offensive, objectifying and all that, but whatever, I guess)

posted by milovoo at 7:57 AM on April 13, 2006


Now, wait a minute. That's the formula for nice butts. Sir Mix-A-Lot liked big butts. Therefore, you really should've said:

I like 2*((S+C) x (B+F)/T = V) butts and I cannot lie.
posted by WCityMike at 8:05 AM on April 13, 2006


Now, wait a minute. That's the formula for nice butts. Sir Mix-A-Lot liked big butts.

Big butts are nice butts.

(I also find it sort of offensive, objectifying and all that, but whatever, I guess)

Our theory indicates that milovoo's butt is too tightly clenched.

(I'm sorry, dude, but if I resisted that straight line my head would've asploded. But truthfully people of all genders and persuasions like ogling ass, so no reason to get uptight about it)
posted by jonmc at 8:09 AM on April 13, 2006


While women preferred the larger, curvier behind of Lopez, men found Minogue's pert symmetry more agreeable.

Is this a British thing? Because the men that I have talked to/ known intimately have expressed a preference for the "larger, curvier." But maybe I only know Big Bottom Lovers?
posted by Secret Life of Gravy at 8:15 AM on April 13, 2006


well, SLoG, they do make the rockin' world go round...
posted by jonmc at 8:18 AM on April 13, 2006


Our theory indicates that milovoo's butt is too tightly clenched.

Maybe, whatever. I certainly wouldn't want to stand in the way of any butt-ogling folks, but I do sure hope there are not any other 'perfect' formulas being generated. The world needs more variation not less.
posted by milovoo at 8:20 AM on April 13, 2006


My theory is that being asked to assess one's bottom is like being asked to analyze a stool sample.
posted by Mike D at 8:27 AM on April 13, 2006


Oh, I agree with you there, and I prefer the big juicy ones, to the Kylie-little-boy butts singled out by the theorem myself. And hell, I think we need more frankness about this kind of stuff, not less.

A few minutes ago while out having a smoke, I was thinking to myself: in gay men's bars everybody is very up front about the fact that they're all displaying and appraising eachother. It would be really cool if straight bars were like that, but instead when we go out hunting booty we have to pretend we're just there to drink and play darts as if to acknowledge the true purpose of our mission would jeopardize civilization.

I've had way too much caffeine.
posted by jonmc at 8:28 AM on April 13, 2006


My theory is that being asked to assess one's bottom is like being asked to analyze a stool sample.
Oh, I agree with you there, and I prefer the big juicy ones
posted by Wolfdog at 8:33 AM on April 13, 2006


Oh, fiddlesticks.
posted by jonmc at 8:37 AM on April 13, 2006


I don't get the formula. Which variable is the "score"? The article references 80 as a perfect bottom, but both sides of the equation are butt-variables. Yes, I'm taking this way too seriously.
posted by brain_drain at 8:40 AM on April 13, 2006


Wolfdog shoots...and he scores.
posted by horsewithnoname at 8:43 AM on April 13, 2006


But maybe I only know Big Bottom Lovers?

The bigger the cushion.
posted by three blind mice at 9:42 AM on April 13, 2006


The "equation" makes absolutely zero sense from a mathematical standpoint. Ugh.
posted by Optimus Chyme at 9:43 AM on April 13, 2006


Talk about mud flaps....
posted by afx114 at 10:57 AM on April 13, 2006


Ah, mudflaps. Important for protecting the tires, and also an unexpected venue for self-expression in the form of Yosemite Sam pointing his pistols and saying 'Back Off,' Calvin peeing, and shillouttes of well-endowed nude women...

Hey I'm just following orders..
posted by jonmc at 11:03 AM on April 13, 2006


I was actually referring to Big Bottom, but the literal interpretation is just as fascinating.
posted by afx114 at 11:15 AM on April 13, 2006


I know you were, dude. I just can't help myself sometimes
posted by jonmc at 11:18 AM on April 13, 2006


Mike D: My theory is that being asked to assess one's bottom is like being asked to analyze a stool sample.

Like this you mean?
posted by 999 at 1:12 PM on April 13, 2006


Kylie Minogue over j lo? Brit's have no taste in women. J lo's ass isn't even that big any more.
posted by afu at 1:41 PM on April 13, 2006 [1 favorite]


"Kylie would score amazingly well on sphericality and symmetry. Her bottom is pretty much perfect in these areas, more so than the likes of Charlotte Church or Jennifer Lopez, who have more curvy posteriors," he said... While women preferred the larger, curvier behind of Lopez, men found Minogue's pert symmetry more agreeable.

So, um, let's arbitrarily make Kylie Minogue the standard for perfect butt-osity. Who cares what those women think?

(disclaimer: i'm a guy, and definitely prefer the "j. lo" model)
posted by the_bone at 2:15 PM on April 13, 2006


I don't think you can use a goddamned formula to describe the perfect derriere. That would be like applying a formula to measure the beauty of a blue sky or the skin tingling charge of a lovely smile. It's a mysterious natural phenomenon. And dare I say a quixotic exercise. I can spot a lovely female posterior under 12 layers of clothes from a half mile away and the times when said posterior has landed in my lap, said posterior has always lived up to my discriminating standards. The day I need to a formula to know when I'm looking at a nice ass is the day I ask them to pull the plug. Thank you and good night....
posted by Skygazer at 2:28 PM on April 13, 2006


Watching a young woman load some boxes in the back of her SUV the other day caused me to pause. This was a lovely sight to ponder until some rude traveler honked the horn.

Not being a math sort, but speaking purely as a scientist, we're talking tight pants that I believe nicely held the archetypal great ass.

While there was a comfortable waist to hip ratio, there was so much more that math couldn't express. The actual buttocks’ spread would best be known by imagining one’s hands hefting a healthy watermelon slice on a warm day of summer. I know I imagined just that.

This particular butt, not too big, or small, but nicely rounded, had my vote to ascend immediately to Plato’s perfect realm. There were those two ubiquitous rounds of the gluteus maximum naturally forming, and suggesting ripe fruit. Healthy, so healthy, fresh fruit.

But then there were those exquisite secondary rounds that tightly form somewhat inside firm thighs, and are indeed best seen from the rear. I saw them at their best.

I couldn't help but thinking Apple, bitable apple.

What’s all that damn horn honking?

I’m speaking of scientific observation here. What's the drool on my keyboard?
posted by BillyElmore at 3:28 PM on April 13, 2006


are you hefting that watermelon, BillyElmore? are you... racist?
posted by soma lkzx at 6:48 PM on April 13, 2006


Kylie has been winning Rear of the Year awards decades before anyone had ever heard of J freakin' Lo, you ignoramuses. And I'm not even an assficianado.
posted by Sparx at 7:33 PM on April 13, 2006


Six-Mix-A lot, Baby Got Back, Thesaurusized (honor to McSweenys for the Idea), Abridged


Oh my supernatural being, Becky, look at her fleshy mounds above her legs
it is so extensive
She appears to be one of those spoken rhyming vocals guys romantic and/or sexual involvement
Who can explain the nature of those spoken rhyming vocal guys?
They only converse with her because she has the appearance of a somebody who receives money in return for sexual intercourse

I mean her fleshy mounds
It's just so extensive
I can't believe her fleshy mounds are so round
Suspended over there
I mean, it's flagrantly wrong or unmitigated
Look, she's just so belonging to an ethnic group with dark skin

I enjoy big fleshy mounds and I cannot say something that is untrue to deceive you
You other brothers can't refuse to acknowledge
That when a girl walks in with an extremely small physical length around her stomach
And a globular thing in the front of your human head
You become more likely to move rapidly upward or forward in a series of rapid movements

um...next verse?
posted by priested at 5:48 AM on April 14, 2006


My astonishingly perceptive contribution to this discussion is as follows: Hell YEAH to everybody who already said that J.Lo beats Kylie. My theory is that they made a mathematical error in generating the formula and are too lazy to ferret it out.
posted by soyjoy at 12:49 PM on April 14, 2006


Jesus.... some of the comments on some of those photos at Flickr.

"Hi - still one of the best pics - delightfully restricted - I wouldn't be able to stop myself licking from your **** to your ***** while you took off these jeans !
What happened in real life ?
M"

posted by nthdegx at 2:18 AM on April 15, 2006


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