As a vocalist and harmonica player, I have few equals.

April 17, 2006 12:46 PM

Double Read This:Revolution! The Epsilon Rising seeks the BEST DRUMMER EVER! They should be 1)AWESOME; 2)TOTALLY INTO US; 3) ETHNIC (but if not, that's cool, man) 4) POT SMOKERS... At least they like Hawkwind.
posted by klangklangston (62 comments total)

This reminds me of that rule book the guy made for his wife. Who the hell would want to play for these idiots?
posted by fire&wings at 12:51 PM on April 17, 2006

John Bonham. Didn't you double read this?
posted by klangklangston at 12:52 PM on April 17, 2006

blowhard.
posted by kuujjuarapik at 12:54 PM on April 17, 2006

woweewow. and they suck, alot.
posted by Baby_Balrog at 12:59 PM on April 17, 2006

lamers
posted by kuatto at 12:59 PM on April 17, 2006

I used to be in a fake band called Stroker. These guys are free to use that name for their band, as it applies.

I wish they gave more information about who they are; I might've met some of these fools.
posted by COBRA! at 1:00 PM on April 17, 2006

posted by ninjew at 1:00 PM on April 17, 2006

wow. just wow. the best part is the actual music. after listening, my only response can be: bwahahahaha!!!
posted by gnutron at 1:02 PM on April 17, 2006

These guys need the Rawker.
posted by wfrgms at 1:03 PM on April 17, 2006

They also want a guitarist, but the ad is mostly the same.
posted by klangklangston at 1:05 PM on April 17, 2006

And we are: Wyld Stallions!
posted by Smedleyman at 1:06 PM on April 17, 2006

They can't be serious...right?

Right?
posted by rooftop secrets at 1:19 PM on April 17, 2006

Ohhhh, they're in Sacramento, not Minneapolis. The URL and the nature of their nationwide search confused me. Guess I probably don't know them, but they're still a bunch of strokers.
posted by COBRA! at 1:23 PM on April 17, 2006

This also sounds just like Mary Gentle. Or whatever her name was.
posted by sohcahtoa at 1:24 PM on April 17, 2006

I'm currently downloading one of their songs but my guess is it's going to be really awful.
posted by BackwardsHatClub at 1:30 PM on April 17, 2006

Yep, really really awful.
posted by BackwardsHatClub at 1:31 PM on April 17, 2006

I challenge someone to listen to more than 1 minute of "The Waves" and not want to punch the singer in the face.
posted by BackwardsHatClub at 1:33 PM on April 17, 2006

Dude.
posted by Pollomacho at 1:34 PM on April 17, 2006

Baby_Balrog: "woweewow. and they suck, alot."

Holy eardrum rupture, balrogman! It's like a cat got stuck in a truck engine carburettor. Someone take away their microphone!
posted by Drexen at 1:40 PM on April 17, 2006

Know what else also rises, The Epsli Rises? The S.C.U.M. also rises. Yup.
posted by DenOfSizer at 1:46 PM on April 17, 2006

I'm seeking a guitarist/songwriter!!! who has already explored other instrumentations such as the eukelalee,

Regarding image, the longer the hair, the better

We do weed smoke weed

I must stress that this band has no singular "style", as others have failed to grasp the concept that as musicians we play music.

If you can not take constructed criticism

For a second or two I felt bad about making fun of these guys, and then I listened to the music samples, and then I didn't feel so bad anymore.
posted by jokeefe at 1:48 PM on April 17, 2006

It only took "It's the waves..." before I wanted to punch him in the face. Awesome. Slag slag slag.
posted by beerbajay at 1:54 PM on April 17, 2006

I'm getting this really strong picture of two guys, who probably went to high school together and set up a practice space in the garage, and who practiced those bass riffs obsessively, and who are now resisting family pressure to get a real job or go to college, already.

We hold real finances to be used for a solid project/partnership

"My stepdad said he'd put up the money on the condition that if it doesn't work out, I go back to school."

We will be touring Europe beginnning April 2006.

They'd better get a move on...
posted by jokeefe at 1:59 PM on April 17, 2006

First thought: these guys are correct. They need a drummer. A lead guitarist would also help. I would recommend replacing the singer

The Waves: What can I say that has not been said? A song which has only a bad-flea rippoff bass line, plus that guy going for his full force and realy not quite getting it. The polysylabic meanderings are probably the least comfortable part of the song, if you don't count the constipated soul posturing. NNNNNNNNNNNNG!

My baby: I got the muddy light blues that don't go nowhere blues, baby. Also, the constipated soul posturing blues. NNNNNNNNNNNNG!

Joy: The seventies called, they would prefer if Led Zepplen stayed where they are. And they are full up on the constipated soul posturing blues. NNNNNNNNNNNNG!

She be mine: Oh. my. God. Please make it stop. NNNNNNNNNNNNG!

Highwater: Points for the slide guitar. 50 DKP minus for not stopping when you were ahead. NNNNNNNNNNNNG!


Bonus snark: Ethnicity is encouraged as we are dealing with the reality of God and all man, not just modern white materialistic, celebrity craving "reality", but truly, the counter culture of human reality.

Translation: We'd really like to get down with some of this ethnic thing, as we've heard it will make us more credible.


The biggest shame is, I'm exactly the drummer they want, but I'm taken.
posted by illovich at 2:03 PM on April 17, 2006

Credit where it's due, the singer's absolutely right - he does have few equals.
posted by nylon at 2:09 PM on April 17, 2006

illovich - as a drummer, do you have few equals?

I downloaded the mp3 (jeeesus) and it crystilised what all this crap reminds me of. Cliff Poncier from Singles. Fast forward 2 years and The Epsilon Rising will be sitting in a cafe somewhere re-enacting the scene from Singles where Cliff has to read out only the positive parts of a gig review.
posted by fire&wings at 2:10 PM on April 17, 2006

As a musician, allow me to say this: even their web site made me want to punch them in the face.

Oh, as I write this, "waves" just started playing in my mp3 player. Um, I guess they only have a bassist at this point? Oh, wait, there's the singer. Oh. Um. Um. Help. Um.

Rule #1 for starting a band: learn to play credible covers of other people's songs first, unless your songs are truly great. And, um, this is not truly great. Ow.

Yeah, double-fist face punch. Still, if they practice, take lessons and stop smoking pot, perhaps they'll get better.
posted by davejay at 2:14 PM on April 17, 2006

MetaFilter: still a bunch of strokers.
posted by NationalKato at 2:26 PM on April 17, 2006

My favorite response to this ad was posted by my fellow RRC'ers:

So this ad for a drummer and another one for a guitar player were posted on 3/29. Within the ad it says they will be "touring Europe this summer." Good that you've set realistic goals there jackass.

NuMetal Dude 1: "McGillicuty's wing shack and sports bar said our demo sucks and they won't book us!"

NuMetal Dude 2: "Screw them man, we'll just tour Europe instead."

This is the fourth time that Epsilon Crashing has posted this to CL. You gotta give the guy credit; he's unflappable.
posted by KevinSkomsvold at 2:29 PM on April 17, 2006

This band hails from the mystics and spiritual, exploring dark and light, as we know that Christ is the Forever King at all cross roads, and the that the people are the poor and downtrodden. We view ourselves as champions of that cause, the representation of liberation in the hearts of the people.


Translation: We will play for all the free jalepeno poppers and tang we can lay our hands on.
posted by KevinSkomsvold at 2:32 PM on April 17, 2006

Pepsi blue.
posted by koeselitz at 2:33 PM on April 17, 2006

Dio has rocked for a long, long time,
Now it's time for him to pass the torch.
He has songs of wildebeests and angels,
He has soared on the wings of a demon.

It's time to pass the torch,
You're too old to rock, no more rockin' for you.
We're takin' you to a home,
But we will sing a song about you.

And we will make sure that you're very well taken care of.
You'll tell us secrets that you've learned. Raow!
Your sauce will mix with ours,
And we'll make a good goulash baby.
Dio, time to go!
You must give your cape and scepter to me.
And a smaller one for KG.
Go! Go! Dio! Dio!
posted by ND¢ at 2:34 PM on April 17, 2006

KlangKlangston, come clean, this is a self-link, isn't it?
posted by drezdn at 2:36 PM on April 17, 2006

We do weed smoke weed...
You don't say. Next you'll be telling me that being stoned makes even the worst garbage sound like Zeppelin.
posted by Nahum Tate at 2:50 PM on April 17, 2006

Holy crap those MP3s are unspeakably terrible.

It's monumental proof there is no God, and if there is, it is an impossibly cruel God.

Too bad they can't play as well as they can bullshit. They'd be the next fucking Beatles.
posted by loquacious at 2:51 PM on April 17, 2006

God, now I've got the waaaaaaavesss stuck in my head... I'm gonna go and listen to the new Liars album until I forget this ever happened.
posted by jokeefe at 3:23 PM on April 17, 2006

But not before I read it One More Time: I speak from the fire and strike heavy with of the sword, in a chorus championing people long oppressed and long suffering..... What? Aw, Dad, do I hafta mow the lawn now? We've got practice! I know we're having Grandma over for dinner... Ah crap.
posted by jokeefe at 3:26 PM on April 17, 2006

"KlangKlangston, come clean, this is a self-link, isn't it?"

No, but when I start my band I will post this nearly verbatim everywhere I can find.
posted by klangklangston at 3:33 PM on April 17, 2006

It only took "It's the waves..." before I wanted to punch him in the face.

I clicked stop just after 'it's'. Deeply, deeply shit music. Though if they ever see this thread, no doubt Epsilon Rising will shake their heads, chuckle wryly and take our derision as clear evidence of their greatness. The cunts.
posted by jack_mo at 3:38 PM on April 17, 2006

hmmm, says they want a drummer who understands bluegrass... probably not a lot of bluegrass groups willing to give up their drummer...
posted by DrRobert at 3:49 PM on April 17, 2006

Rule #1 for starting a band: learn to play credible covers of other people's songs first, unless your songs are truly great. And, um, this is not truly great. Ow.

Eh, narrow-minded bullshit. Not every band can be great, and these guys really do suck, but there's no rule book for starting a rock band.
posted by psmealey at 4:02 PM on April 17, 2006

Oh. My. God. I've just listened to The Waves and it's the funniest thing I've heard all year. They aren't serious are they?
posted by salmacis at 4:03 PM on April 17, 2006

Is anyone else seeing this as a joke? I think it's hilarious. Spinal Tap meets Andy Kaufman, only not that funny. But good for a 30 second laugh. I haven't drummed since I was in high school, and even then I was never any good. That, combined with the fact that we share a sense of humor makes me think I'd be perfect for these guys. I should send them an mp3. "I don't have a kit, but here is me ROCKING THE FUCK OUT on my desk. Please send my matching tour jacket in XL or XLL please." Too bad they're in Raleigh, wherever the fuck that is.

And if these guys actually ARE serious, all the funnier.
posted by Eideteker at 4:04 PM on April 17, 2006

Actually, Eideteker, I think they're in Sacremento. They posted this to nearly all the CLs across the country in various permutations.
posted by klangklangston at 4:07 PM on April 17, 2006

Oh, god. Even WORSE. I've been to Sacramento.

...

Lovely city, really.
posted by Eideteker at 4:12 PM on April 17, 2006

Eh, narrow-minded bullshit. Not every band can be great, and these guys really do suck, but there's no rule book for starting a rock band.

Ah, you misunderstood, sorry I wasn't clear: that wasn't rule #1 for starting a rock band, it was rule #1 for getting people to want to play in YOUR rock band -- ie putting up an mp3 of a hamfisted bass/vocal-only rendition of an apparently lousy original song isn't going to make anyone want to play with you. On the other hand, if you can prove you can play good songs (that aren't yours) or that your material is so terrific that it stands out even as a hamfisted bass/vocal-only rendition...then you've got a fighting chance.
posted by davejay at 5:17 PM on April 17, 2006

and the use of "rule #1" was not an allusion to an actual rule book; it's a way of emphasizing in a vaguely humorous way that there's a fairly obvious way to go about this sort of thing, perhaps many obvious ways, but that this isn't it.
posted by davejay at 5:19 PM on April 17, 2006

This is a virtual treasure trove of metafilter taglines:

Metafilter: Double read this!!!!

Metafilter: If you are afraid your image won't go over well, you are probably right.
posted by snofoam at 5:30 PM on April 17, 2006

Metafilter: Game recognizes game.
posted by nonmyopicdave at 5:50 PM on April 17, 2006

My ears! My beautiful ears! Oh god, it burns!
posted by mkultra at 5:52 PM on April 17, 2006

Double reed this!!!!
posted by nonmyopicdave at 5:56 PM on April 17, 2006

Is The Epsilon Ring what's left in the tub when you're through scrubbing your filthy delta?
posted by BitterOldPunk at 6:06 PM on April 17, 2006

Rising. Not Ring.

Just ignore me, it's been a long day.
posted by BitterOldPunk at 6:07 PM on April 17, 2006

Wow. I just listened to The Waves. I am slightly intoxicated, and this is some of the worst shit I've ever heard. I'm going to take a shower now. Also, NDc, I think you meant:

Dios has rocked for a long, long time,
Now it's time for him to pass the torch.
He has songs of wildebeests and angels,
He has soared on the wings of a demon.
posted by ludwig_van at 6:08 PM on April 17, 2006

Oh. My. Lord.

So wrong. So very, very wrong. And it reads like the Time Cube guy wrote it. And the sound...all I can say is that I wish I had aural contraceptives.
posted by dejah420 at 6:42 PM on April 17, 2006

Ahem. Waves. It sounded exactly as if the guy developed his vocal chops on the school bus singing aloud along with Eddie Vedder on his headphones, unable to hear himself and fondly imagining he sounded like what he was hearing, rather than what the other kids on the bus heard.
posted by George_Spiggott at 7:42 PM on April 17, 2006

i think this is totally fake. they posted the same thing to craiglsist in albany, ny 1 and 2; norfolk, va; hyderabad; santa barbara, ca 1 , 2 and 3; pittsburgh, pa (also 3 posts); ann arbor, mi (3 posts); bellingham, wa (2 posts); tuscon, az (3 posts).....

and i am sure if you look there will be lots more.

also, for such a dedicated, powerful, authoritative band that "strikes heavy with of the sword", you would think that they would maybe look for a drummer and guitarist earlier than march 6 2006 for an april 2006 european tour???
posted by brevator at 8:49 PM on April 17, 2006

I am impressed. This is impressively bad. My faith in God's sick sense of humor has been restored.
posted by speicus at 9:07 PM on April 17, 2006

painful - and not in the "omg some clever-writing hipster out there totally nailed the tone perfectly"

more in the "omg some high dingleberry actually shed sincere drool over this prose before hitting submit"
posted by scarabic at 10:47 PM on April 17, 2006

Cockeyed is from Sacramento. For something so good we must also get something so bad. Unless Rob is behind this.
posted by geekyguy at 11:18 PM on April 17, 2006

wow. i listened to 'waves' in its entirety - best part is at 3:08 when, out of nowhere, "singer" screams "AWWWWWWWWWWWWWW DO IT!!" (cue INTENSE bass solo, dude...)

you know, when reading the link i couldn't help but think of frank zappa and his (rumored but probably true) penchant for handing a large stack of sheet music to prospective musicians/bandmates and making it clear that if they couldn't learn all the charts in a week they shouldn't bother to show up again. The difference: frank zappa was a genius; these guys are . . . well, not.
posted by visit beautiful mount weather! at 7:06 AM on April 18, 2006

I think one would be better off joining the Gas Station Dogs [mp3]. To hear tell, they have some openings.
posted by steelbuddha at 10:39 AM on April 18, 2006