If Banks were Bands, which would they be?

May 17, 2006 6:34 AM

If Banks were Bands, which would they be?A Bloomberg columnist writes about the 'personalities' of the world's big investment banks, and compares them to well-known bands. Some amusing, and insightful, descriptions
posted by darsh (58 comments total)

My bank is a boyband. Damn it!

This line about the similarity between Barclays and Oasis made me laugh though:
...it probably has twice as many employees as needed.
posted by slimepuppy at 6:41 AM on May 17, 2006

I amused by this column, despite knowing almost nothing about investment banking.
posted by jacquilynne at 6:49 AM on May 17, 2006

This was a nice diversion for an otherwise quiet hump day morning. My favorite's gotta be #10.
posted by phoenixc at 6:51 AM on May 17, 2006

Guns n Roses is a boyband?

methinks this author knows little about music
posted by tsarfan at 6:52 AM on May 17, 2006

This is a transcript of the dorkiest conversation at the dorkiest lunchtable at the dorkiest school ever. Or Denny's.
posted by Uther Bentrazor at 6:52 AM on May 17, 2006

Might have been better if he knew the names of more than 20 or so bands.
posted by klangklangston at 6:52 AM on May 17, 2006

I thought it was pretty impressive that he knew enough about both the bands and the banks to make the comparisons. I mean, how many investment bankers know who Radiohead is?
posted by GuyZero at 6:53 AM on May 17, 2006

He's so lame! That's awesome! Comparing large banks to largely dated musical acts! That could only have been lamer if it was written in slightly dated hip-hop speak.

"Barings Bank? Barings is DOA wack, yo! Pour a forty out fo 'my dead homie Nick Leeson! ING done even bought the body and got all 'Reanimator' on it, sucka!"
posted by Mayor Curley at 6:59 AM on May 17, 2006

I don't fault him for picking big named bands. He's writing for an investment banking audience, not a music audience. If he'd decided to compare Chase with World Party, how many of his readers would have any idea what the hell he was talking about?
posted by jacquilynne at 7:01 AM on May 17, 2006

Anyone who hates Phil Collins AND David Hasselhoff is okay in my book.
posted by tommasz at 7:15 AM on May 17, 2006

This is a transcript of the dorkiest conversation at the dorkiest lunchtable at the dorkiest school ever.

The kids upon which were sitting are now earning a phone number, driving 911s and skiing in Courchevel (and I might add, keeping me at my desk until ungodly hours in the morning...)
posted by dmt at 7:16 AM on May 17, 2006

Ozzy Osbourne would have fitted right in

Yeah, he would have been a good fitted.
posted by grubi at 7:20 AM on May 17, 2006

I would say that the Royal Bank of Canada is the Leonard Cohen of banks; enigmatic, expensive, vast, wordy, not traditionally attractive, but has it's charms.
posted by dobie at 7:23 AM on May 17, 2006

ha, I love it.
posted by zach4000 at 7:34 AM on May 17, 2006

I wish I were physically fitted.


Anyone who hates Phil Collins AND David Hasselhoff is okay in my book.

I have a trucker hat with that very sentence on it.
posted by KevinSkomsvold at 7:35 AM on May 17, 2006

OMG ur favrite investment bank is teh sux0rz!!11!! LOlloLOLOLOlLOl!!1
posted by ChasFile at 7:37 AM on May 17, 2006

Now I can tell the chicks that I used to be in Coldplay. And it'll be true. Sort of.
posted by veedubya at 7:41 AM on May 17, 2006

I'm trying to think of a band that sucks more than Bank of America. Ideas?

hi darsh!
posted by Saucy Intruder at 7:52 AM on May 17, 2006

More than BOA, eh?

Creed?
posted by grubi at 7:57 AM on May 17, 2006

WaMu: Could be Great White, washed up and useless but I think Kevin Federlane is better: more money than brains. Or talent.

Bank of America: Pussycat Dolls. Looks kinda nice on TV but manufactured image does not a b(r)and make.
posted by Skorgu at 7:57 AM on May 17, 2006

Lazard wouldn't be a band - it'd be Debussy.
posted by mullacc at 8:01 AM on May 17, 2006

Not from the investment or musical standpoint but,

Wachovia: Guy who raped your daughter and still waves at you every time you pass him on the street.

Bank One: Newly promoted fastfood restaurant manager drunk with its new power.
posted by 517 at 8:04 AM on May 17, 2006

jonmc mode:
Goldmann Sachs really suck, and anyone who banks with them is a useless old hippie.

What today's young guy needs most on a Friday night is to sit down with a couple of Brewskis and a big stack of Punk Ziegel and Company's analysts reports, because what's important isn't what the critics say, but how those analyst reports make you *feel* when you read them.
:jonmc mode off
posted by PeterMcDermott at 8:10 AM on May 17, 2006

Kraftwerk. Awesome.
posted by antifuse at 8:12 AM on May 17, 2006

What a stupid columm. Musical bands are not parasitic organizations driven solely by profit and greed.
posted by disgruntled at 8:15 AM on May 17, 2006

You don't listen to the radio, do you?
posted by Espy Gillespie at 8:20 AM on May 17, 2006

Zing.
posted by sklero at 8:27 AM on May 17, 2006

Labels are, though.
posted by grubi at 8:27 AM on May 17, 2006

my bank would be that small, wish-they would-be-called-"independent", basement playing, fuse blowing, no name, four piece outfit. But, I like them anyway.
posted by edgeways at 8:27 AM on May 17, 2006

edgeways, you like them before they sell out, yes?
posted by slimepuppy at 8:30 AM on May 17, 2006

My bank is Captain & Tennille.
posted by sfts2 at 8:31 AM on May 17, 2006

Commerce Bank = Sloan.

Highly accessible, nice harmonies, easy to like. Immensely popular but only in one region of the world.
posted by edverb at 8:32 AM on May 17, 2006

You don't listen to the radio, do you?

Uh, yeah I do. Obviously, you've never been in a band.
posted by disgruntled at 8:36 AM on May 17, 2006

Most banks are accordions played by people with pork pie hats. There are no rock and roll banks.
posted by dances_with_sneetches at 8:43 AM on May 17, 2006

I'm trying to think of a band that sucks more than Bank of America. Ideas?

Apparently you didn't have Fleet Bank prior to having Bank of America. In all seriousness, as a person who moves frequently and over large distances, having BoA has been the best banking experience of my life, so much so that I purchased stock in the company. I'm sincerely curious, though, why BoA is so maligned. BoA has never cost me a penny, never charged me a fee, and has, without question, the best customer service at any bank I've ever been to. Fleet, on the other hand, would regularly lose deposits, charge inappropriate fees, and buy up the local competition so your choices were limited and often impracitcal.

(The only thing that may be tainting my experience is that I keep a larger balance in my BoA accounts than I did in my Fleet accounts, but we're talking one order of magnitude, not several.)

Banc of America, the investment arm of Bank of America, is down right criminal and I'd recommend everyone who uses them to seriously consider a move to Vanguard or other budget investment providers.

As far as which band BoA would be, I'd say U2. They're omnipresent, they've been around for decades, your parents are just as likely to have grown up with them, and the people who hate them are much louder than their fans.
posted by sequential at 9:01 AM on May 17, 2006

sequential, you fool, U2's not BoA. They're a credit union.
posted by grubi at 9:13 AM on May 17, 2006

Much better than I had expected pre-click. Although, it's kind of scary to me that one can simultaneously possess knowledge of both rock & roll and the financial world.
posted by goodnewsfortheinsane at 9:33 AM on May 17, 2006

Wachovia sucks sucks sucks, and if I didn't have a triple acquired legacy account with them I wouldn't even touch their ATM machines.

My dream bank is Freibank.
posted by illovich at 10:06 AM on May 17, 2006

My local bank, Washington Mutual, falls all over itself trying to prove how perky and friendly and unstuffy it is. The ATM messages aim to be folksy: "Sorry, I'm unable to provide you with a receipt. Would you like to proceed? (It's been a CRAZY day!)". But it's a bank, so it's all just hype dreamed up in the marketing department, right? So I'm thinking Hootie & the Blowfish or Britney Spears.
posted by tula at 10:25 AM on May 17, 2006

dmt: I feel your pain. I am currently working for Johnny Halliday.
posted by patricio at 10:57 AM on May 17, 2006

Right on, tula! I use WaMu (what a characteristically cutesy nickname!) and was trying to figure out who they would be. Definitely Hootie. Trying a bit too hard to look laid-back, but if you don't have particularly strong feelings about the whole thing, they're blandly inoffensive and don't do anything particularly terrible.
posted by bjrubble at 10:59 AM on May 17, 2006

Apparently you didn't have Fleet Bank prior to having Bank of America.

Apparently you're wrong, I did indeed involuntarily convert from Fleet, and before that BankBoston, nee Bank of Boston, and before that Rhode Island Hospital Trust. (Seems like the dark ages but it was only 1995.) Despite the national branding and consolidation of BoA, they still can't deal with the fact that I opened my account in one state but live in another. It screws up everything from online access to in-branch deposits (I don't even bother, just use the ATM). Their tellers are rude and make faces at you when you don't have all the slips and papers you need. And don't even start with the $10/month fee for the privilege of having a joint savings account. The fee that didn't exist before the merger. Oh and my credit card with the "permanent" 10% APR that became 13% for no reason.

Your favorite bank sucks.
posted by Saucy Intruder at 11:06 AM on May 17, 2006

City National Bank of Taylor -- they automatically refund all ATM fees charged by other banks, and they pay 4.03% interest on the first 0-25K in your checking account. Fuck you, BoA!
posted by jcruelty at 11:12 AM on May 17, 2006

Oops don't know what just happened there. City National Bank of Taylor refunds all ATM fees automatically and pays 4.03% interest on your checking acct (up to the first $25,000). So much better than BoA.
posted by jcruelty at 11:13 AM on May 17, 2006

What a stupid columm. Musical bands are not parasitic organizations driven solely by profit and greed.

How eponymous!
posted by phyrewerx at 11:59 AM on May 17, 2006

Hiya Jon!

What a stupid columm. Musical bands are not parasitic organizations driven solely by profit and greed.

You're aware of the manufactured band phenomenon?
posted by darsh at 12:03 PM on May 17, 2006

I have Good Reasons for my hostility towards WaMu and BoA:

My sister has a mortgage with WaMu. The mortgage is on one house on two lots. The mortgage pays the taxes, etc out of a escrow account. Except when WaMu doesn't pay the taxes on the lot without the house on it. Then the State sends Nasty Letters. And then WaMu gets a nasty phone call. To top it off, they ended up getting interest on the late fees because of the way the escrow account was set up. Oh and they are congenitally incapable of getting my sister's name right, even on multiple-hundred page mortgage documents, even on the sixth revision.

My girlfriend has an account with BoA since they were Fleet. They haven't been worse than any other bank with one major exception. Out of the blue, they sent her a statement from someone else. A Korean exchange student. With account balance, PIN, address, etc. They sent it to an address that was never given to them (not the address on the account).

They didn't seem concerned that they had just sent more than enough information for a dandy identity theft to a complete stranger. *click* thank you for playing.

Chase is an absolute necessity in NYC, ATMs all over the damn place. I don't like 'em but they're the best for day-to-day stuff. Commerce is fantastic. E*Trade is OK and I'm looking into ING.
posted by Skorgu at 12:30 PM on May 17, 2006

Good idea, but the execution is limited by his not knowing anything about anything.
posted by mert at 12:41 PM on May 17, 2006

I would say that the Royal Bank of Canada is the Leonard Cohen of banks; enigmatic, expensive, vast, wordy, not traditionally attractive, but has it's charms.

You know, after working for RBC for a few years, I'd have to say that's fairly accurate.
posted by antifreez_ at 12:55 PM on May 17, 2006

You forgot arrogant. RBC is an arrogant bank. Leonard Cohen? I don't see it.
posted by disgruntled at 1:15 PM on May 17, 2006

Which bank is Pretty Flowers?
posted by fandango_matt at 1:52 PM on May 17, 2006

You're aware of the manufactured band phenomenon?

That's pretty condescending. You should make an effort to understand someones' post before replying.

You're aware that banks do nothing but traffic money? Or maybe you think the banks are in business to get laid?
posted by disgruntled at 1:54 PM on May 17, 2006

damn, disgruntled, you sure are.
posted by dvdgee at 2:14 PM on May 17, 2006

...I work for Ozzy.

I think I need to go kill myself now.
posted by mephron at 2:21 PM on May 17, 2006

I use a teeny little credit union. I'm guessing we're the undiscovered garage band.
posted by dejah420 at 2:54 PM on May 17, 2006

Forwarded to my flatmate, who works at Ozzy.

Baring's would be Brian Jones.
posted by runkelfinker at 3:42 PM on May 17, 2006

Well, this article at least confirmed that I am living under a rock in terms of popular music. I guess that's a good thing.

Anyway, the writer should congratulate themselves on perfecting the merciless wit, unfortunately it really doesn't seem to be based on any actual knowledge, so much as anecdotal humour.
posted by taursir at 6:18 AM on May 18, 2006

taursir: you forgot your /sarcasm tag :)
posted by antifuse at 6:43 AM on May 18, 2006