Worst song ever?

May 22, 2006 11:34 AM

Blender, meet science: The Pain, the Pain: Modelling Music Information Behavior and the Songs We Hate [link to 454Kb PDF]. The paper, presented at ISMIR 2005, offers "a grounded theory analysis of 395 user responses to the survey question 'What is the worst song ever?'"
posted by camcgee (58 comments total)

Somewhere, Billy Ray Cyrus is weeping over his large pile of cash.
posted by NationalKato at 11:41 AM on May 22, 2006

Yesterday I was at an otherwise semi-uppity restaurant where the smoof-jazz background music was so annoying that I decided to do a little research. When I asked the employees what they thought of the music, one of them answered with a sly grin, "what, this mental-institution elevator music? Yeah, we love it."

That said, it was probably better than Achy Breaky Heart. But that ain't sayin' much...
posted by diastematic at 11:50 AM on May 22, 2006

Statistical studies, along with requisite computing power and storage increases, now make a peculiarly novel, if roughly conceived kind of “metacomposition” technique possible, adding yet another layer of nuance to the relationship between popular music and its consumers.

PolyphonicHMI offers a product called Hit Song Science, analyzing components like tempo, cadence, rhythm, etc. in Billboard chart hits, looking for commonalities. This product now figures into the creation of much of current popular music, to help maximize marketability and unit sales.

Network engineer Loren Wilson developed a project wittily named “Pitchformula”, using Pitchfork reviews of previously released music products as a basis for composing songs that would (in theory, at least) earn equally favorable reviews and sales.

Psychoacoustical research at MIT Media Lab has examined cognitive processes involved in listening to pop music, its results leaving many avenues open to the music industry for increased profitability.

I wonder how the methodology of this paper stacks up with previous work.
posted by Mr. Six at 11:53 AM on May 22, 2006 [1 favorite]

It’s hard to believe, but at one point Chicago were a fairly well-respected rock band. Then Peter Cetera joined, and they jettisoned any remaining street cred in favor of soft-rock ballads your grandmother would deem harmless.

ummm... Peter Cetera might have been the last to join, but he was present on all their early records. Who does the writer think sung 25 or 6 to 4?

I don't even have a problem with most of the selections, I just hate when a writer is trying to be a wise-ass and can't get basic facts straight.
posted by inthe80s at 11:56 AM on May 22, 2006

For a live version of this article in action, see 5 threads below.

and yes, judging by my comment in that thread, i'm sitting pretty on the bell curve.
posted by Mach5 at 11:59 AM on May 22, 2006

Somewhere, Mark Twain is psyched that his citation count just went up a notch.
posted by arialblack at 12:04 PM on May 22, 2006

How could any list of the 50 worst songs leave off "Last Kiss"? There aren't many songs that force me to turn off the radio, but that's one of them. And yes, I'm talking about both the original and the Pearl Jam cover.
posted by Faint of Butt at 12:07 PM on May 22, 2006

Anything sung by James Blunt.
posted by parki at 12:07 PM on May 22, 2006

Oh, and I thought it was great that the earworm phenomenon has been documented since 1876. I've often wondered if medieval peasants sometimes caught themselves humming while out in the fields.

"'Greensleeves was my--' swyve itte!"
posted by Faint of Butt at 12:10 PM on May 22, 2006

Your favorite band sucks.
posted by frogan at 12:32 PM on May 22, 2006

I can't pass up this opportunity to mention how much I hate Robert Palmer's "Addicted to Love." The ironic Kim Gordon version can't even pull it from the depths of horrible.
posted by davebush at 12:47 PM on May 22, 2006

Someone left the cake out in the rain...
posted by blue_beetle at 12:54 PM on May 22, 2006

"Achey Breaky Heart" is pretty good song. It's really a 1990s rockabilly update, very much in the tradition of Eddie Cochran and Buddy Holly, and altogether respectable in lyrics, production and beat. There's nothing phoney or pretentious about it. And it's catchy. I like catchy songs.
posted by Faze at 12:57 PM on May 22, 2006

Also reminiscent of Komar & Melamid's "The People's Choice: Music" project.
posted by whir at 1:12 PM on May 22, 2006

Great book about bad songs.
posted by ZenMasterThis at 1:23 PM on May 22, 2006

So does it make me a bad person that I like at least a quarter of those top 50 terrible songs? Especially "We Built this City", which I have noticed seems to frequently crown worst-of lists, and which is one of my favorite songs ever.

I guess I should go flagellate or something now.
posted by Hal Mumkin at 1:24 PM on May 22, 2006

Top of page two and they're already starting the results section -- I want to be in that field.

/goes back to extensive lit review writing
posted by aaronetc at 1:33 PM on May 22, 2006

Whir beat me to the Komar & Melamid project. They did one for painting as well.

And while I can't find it on the intarweb, I'm pretty sure I read an interview with or anecdote about Jimi Hendrix where, not long before he died, he claimed that Chicago was one of the baddest, most happening things in music going 'round, and that he really wanted to work with them soon.
posted by bardic at 1:38 PM on May 22, 2006

My entry in the worst song list is the unforgettable "Greatest Love of All", but Mlle. Whitney Houston. It is not only one terrible song; it's two. One is some bullshit about loving and respecting the innocence and potential of children, and the other is about the singer's trials and tribulations. These two narratives are mashed up in one overwrought and horrendous mess.

The person that wrote that song needs to die a horrible death.
posted by psmealey at 1:48 PM on May 22, 2006

My Humps by Black Eyed Peas is the worst song ever made. You can stop your (re)search now.
posted by slimepuppy at 1:57 PM on May 22, 2006

The Worst Of list in Blender provokes the same reaction in me as those sniping MTV and MuchMusic programs, where the hosts feign incredulity as they 'Take a look back at the hilariously bad hits of yesterday' - Sure, that stuff sucked, but it didn't keep them from hyping and overplaying the hell out of that shit three years ago.

Even more pathetic is the audience's reactions; smug, self-congratulatory, and unsuccessfully trying to forget the WHAM! t-shirt/parachute pants/98^o poster they have festering in their respective closets.
posted by Alvy Ampersand at 2:09 PM on May 22, 2006

When that Blender list first came out, I remember someone defending Kokomo by saying, "Leave it alone. Your parents need music too."
posted by Hubajube at 2:11 PM on May 22, 2006

i know it makes me sound old, but bed of roses, as in i want to lay you down on a.
posted by gorgor_balabala at 2:12 PM on May 22, 2006

Slimepuppy: My Humps by Black Eyed Peas is the worst song ever made.



Agreed, but we'll just wait a couple of years until the nabobs of taste at Maxim Muzak confirm it for us.
posted by Alvy Ampersand at 2:16 PM on May 22, 2006

Knock Three Times...does that give you an earworm? Well, then, sorry 'bout that. You could always use the old replace-it-with-another-earworm technique. Tie A Yellow Ribbon. Seasons in the Sun. ("We had joy, we had fun, we had seasons in the sun...)

You're welcome.
posted by kozad at 2:30 PM on May 22, 2006

Another good book of bad songs and albums, albeit only pre-1991 ones. They should do an updated edition.
posted by staggernation at 2:42 PM on May 22, 2006

I like to move it move it I like to move it move it you like to move it move it he like to move it...I'm sorry, were you guys saying something about earworms?
posted by Biblio at 3:16 PM on May 22, 2006

..that asked respondents to provide details over song they did not like.

From this solecism, one can infer that the paper was dictated, not proofread, and not peer-reviewed.

Can anyone explain what "grounded theory analysis" is? Does it mean an analysis grounded in theory, or is it a particular kind of analysis?
posted by ikkyu2 at 3:22 PM on May 22, 2006

I am making a mix tape and every song is coming from this list.
posted by airguitar at 3:24 PM on May 22, 2006

ikkyu2 writes "From this solecism, one can infer that the paper was dictated, not proofread, and not peer-reviewed."

It's a conference proceedings. I've seen worse. Hell, I very well may have submitted worse.


Grounded theory.
posted by mr_roboto at 4:16 PM on May 22, 2006

I've been developing my own theory on music and likability. Some like it, some hate it. You can read it here if it tickles your fancy.
posted by Mach3avelli at 4:33 PM on May 22, 2006

There's also something called Music Theory, just in case y'all forgot.
posted by gorgor_balabala at 5:02 PM on May 22, 2006

blue_beetle: I just spent all day trying to get that song out of my head. I thought I'd finally gotten rid of it too.

Also, I liked the person who was clearly complaining about Randy Newman's Short People becaue "it's discriminatory towards short people"
posted by martinX's bellbottoms at 5:31 PM on May 22, 2006

I'm in for singing "We Built this City" for the next two days.
posted by tracy_the_astonishing at 7:05 PM on May 22, 2006

I've been developing my own theory on music and likability.

Seems like you'd be able to describe things better if you used actual music terminology. It's like you're making up your own personal language when there's already a perfectly direct and robust language in place.
posted by ludwig_van at 7:22 PM on May 22, 2006

[The much-maligned subject of this post] is a pretty good [noun]. It's really a [modifier-noun], very much in the tradition of [this totally unrelated name-drop] and altogether respectable in [content]. There's nothing phony or pretentious about [being contrary for the sake of garnering attention]. And it's [adjective]. I like [adjective] [nouns].

Seriously, Faze. Could you just post a FPP announcing to the word that the earth is flat, poop tastes good, and 2+3=lavender, because the studied exercises in contrariness are as tired as they are predictable.
posted by joe lisboa at 9:00 PM on May 22, 2006

word = world, but hey, words are catchy. I like catchy.
posted by joe lisboa at 9:02 PM on May 22, 2006

AMAZING BREAKTHROUGH RESEARCH PROVES CONCLUSIVELY THAT ORANGE IS BETTER THAN BLUE!!!
posted by slatternus at 12:37 AM on May 23, 2006

Honestly, I think the only thing worse then a truly bad song is a truly bad song by an otherwise talented artist. Some examples :

Knockin' on Heaven's Door - Interminable, dirgelike, consisting of 3 chords played endlessly. Why, god, why, of Dylan's entire catalog, is this the ONE song that everyone from Axl Rose to Random Busker on the F Train must cover?

Stupid Girl - Y'know, Mick, we've had some really good times together, and I usually try to defend you as best I can, but when it comes to this song, I just have give up. Let's face it. You hate chicks.

George Harrison + Sitar - You really had to fuck up both Sgt. Pepper's AND Revolver, didn't you?

My Ding A Ling - Too much information, Chuck. Waaaaay too much information. And to answer your question, no, I won't.
posted by Afroblanco at 1:49 AM on May 23, 2006

I would've had Turn! Turn! Turn! by the Byrds as number one on that list. That song makes me want to kill hippies.
posted by effwerd at 5:55 AM on May 23, 2006

Reading through the worst 50, it just seems like they have no sense of fun or sense of humour. "I'm too Sexy" is a great song - and it's better for the fact that the singer wasn't sexy - that's part of the joke (why do I have to explain this?). Though some in the list are pretty dire, they've also included so many that are just fun and catchy ("Shiny Happy People" is great - their redo with Sesame Street as "Furry Happy Monsters" is even better), or just brilliantly bad (Europe's "Final Countdown" is just ... wow. Every time I hear it, I feel like conquering the world - with hairspray).

Fact is, when you stop taking yourself too seriously, you get a lot more fun out of music, and out of life.

And you realise that Shari Lewis and Lambchop's "Song that never ends" is a well written, catchy ear worm of a tune - it has the kind of joy in life that six year olds just know and the rest of us should strive for.
posted by jb at 6:14 AM on May 23, 2006

"I'm too Sexy" is a great song - and it's better for the fact that the singer wasn't sexy - that's part of the joke (why do I have to explain this?).

But do you disagree that a good joke isn't necessarily a good song? I mean, it all depends on your criteria for "good song," I suppose.
posted by ludwig_van at 6:33 AM on May 23, 2006

Although I'm not sure exactly when it became cool to put "Sounds of Silence" on every "worst songs" list, but it was a stupid idea.
posted by ludwig_van at 6:36 AM on May 23, 2006

But do you disagree that a good joke isn't necessarily a good song? I mean, it all depends on your criteria for "good song," I suppose.
posted by ludwig_van at 6:33 AM PST on May 23 [+fave] [!]

No, but I don't see what qualifies this as a bad song: funny lyrics combined with good singing, catchy tuny and general all-round fun? Taste is, of course, subjective, but it seems to my subjective taste to be significantly better than most pop songs - I don't actually like pop music, and I like this song.

"The Sound of Silence" is a beautiful song. Some people just try too hard to be ironic, or maybe their English teacher forced them to overanalyse the lyrics. This happened to my mother with "I am a rock", which is also a good song.
posted by jb at 9:43 AM on May 23, 2006

No, I Am a Rock is an excellent song. ;)
posted by ludwig_van at 10:11 AM on May 23, 2006

Europe's "Final Countdown" is just ... wow. Every time I hear it, I feel like conquering the world - with hairspray

It's the song Vodafone uses to play in the background when you're put on hold waiting for customer service. Only it's not the whole song, just a clip with the chorus and another bit, on a loop, forever and ever. From "it's the final countdown" to "we're heading for venus (venussss)", and then it fades, and STARTS AGAIN. Not that hearing the whole song would make it better, but the loop thing is even more diabolical. Then the customer service person comes on and says "sorry for the long wait" and you just say "no problem" because you are so relieved it ended.

Before that, a while ago, they had some Simon and Garfunkel. Not Sound of Silence, another one, something about a fair, can't remember the title. Ah yeah, Scarborough Fair! Same thing, refrain, on a loop.

(I have a strong suspicion they deliberately choose this tactic to discourage people from calling customer service at all.)

The Blender list is diabolical too in that it reactivates those earworms you'd thought you'd get rid of cos you'd not heard them in ages and forgotten them. Except I once again have to proudly defend Cotton Eye Joe and Barbie Girl (pedo-pop, ah come on! and the 'cmon barbie lets go party' is my favourite bit! boo hoo!), irritating as hell yes but fun. And disco. I just can't resist that combination.


*from paris to berlin, in every disco I get in, my heart is pumping for love, pumping for love*
posted by funambulist at 11:55 AM on May 23, 2006

"No, but I don't see what qualifies this as a bad song: funny lyrics combined with good singing, catchy tuny and general all-round fun? Taste is, of course, subjective, but it seems to my subjective taste to be significantly better than most pop songs - I don't actually like pop music, and I like this song."

I followed the thread about M.I.A., and what I'm finding are arguments about production competency and catchiness versus original content and meaningful lyrics being waged under interchangeable umbrella terms of good or bad. People aren't seeing eye to eye about what aspect of the music determines its quality.

Some people in the M.I.A. thread are celebrating aspects of popular music that I don't like or care about; like dance beats and placeholder lyrics. But I can't credibly argue about the quality of something belonging to a genre that I wholly detest; and that makes any specific criticism I could offer rather moot.

Generally, I like to listen to the lyrics of songs. If a song has simple and obvious, or highly derivative lyrics, my reaction is immediate disappointment. I just have different priorities from the majority of listeners (or at least the majority of labels). We could factionalize the music listening public by their specific ideas of good and bad based on their taste, and figure out what's popular within each subcategory, but it's pointless to pretend there's an objective way to rate these things.
posted by evil holiday magic at 1:56 PM on May 23, 2006 [1 favorite]

There's no 100% objective way to rate things, but it doesn't follow that the discussion must be 100% subjective, either. And limiting yourself to certain points of view or sub-headings (How good is it lyrically, how good is it as a piece of music, how good is the production, how good is the performance, how good was it at being successful, etc.) is still more conducive to limiting subjectivity.

And there are lots of indie rock bands that are very lyrically-focused.
posted by ludwig_van at 2:45 PM on May 23, 2006

Every time I hear it, I feel like conquering the world - with hairspray

Every time I read it, I feel like conquering the world - with irony.
posted by Sparx at 3:17 PM on May 23, 2006

evil, I figured there must be folks like that out there.... but I barely even listen to lyrics, with some notable exceptions (Billy Joel comes to mind.) That's part of why I've always liked Peter Gabriel so much, I'm sure... his lyrics aren't very good, but the music ranges from good to phenomenal, which suits me perfectly.

It's interesting hearing from the 'other side'... for you, and many others.... music is almost poetry. Me, I'm just a dunderhead who's happy with a good tune. RadioIO's "Ambient" station suits me very well indeed.

Out of interest, do you like classical at all?
posted by Malor at 5:24 PM on May 23, 2006

Well, you weren't talking to me, but most of the bands I listen to tend to be lyrically-oriented, and I also enjoy classical music. Of course, I get quite different things out of indie rock and classical music.
posted by ludwig_van at 5:46 PM on May 23, 2006

Malor, I can appreciate a good instrumental, classical or otherwise; or even foreign language music and its inscrutable verses. Often, I find it helpful for my own mental processes not to be bothered with other people's words.

Within my own collection, there are songs I like the sound of, but I almost have to tune the lyrics out of them mentally because I'll end up wishing they were better. I'd like to do a reverse Puff Daddy on them and keep the melody, while replacing the lyrics with better ones.

ludwig_van, I'm not advocating limiting people to judging certain aspects of a piece. I'm suggesting that songs are being compared simultaneously based on unmatched aspects; and completely different sets of criteria are being given the same vague qualifiers (good/bad). This was fueling a very frustrating debate in another thread. If one person's primary criteria is rhythm, and another's is lyrics, and the opinion is expressed as "good song" or "bad song," it's not a conversation that's going very well.

To use myself as an example, I don't value production as much as I value lyrics. If I didn't specify my reasoning when defending a tinny sounding song, for instance, that had great lyrics, I'd end up in a very pointless debate. Likewise, if someone tells me they love a certain pop song, and I don't hone in on the fact that they only value music as background noise for clubs, I'd just be confused and rather fruitlessly trying to imagine the value it would have within my criteria set. This doesn't mean I don't feel strongly about what's good or bad, only that my opinion is specifically based in my personality. As a critic, it's necessary to be aware of the intent and audience before one's equipped to judge the merit of a thing.
posted by evil holiday magic at 6:59 PM on May 23, 2006

I'm suggesting that songs are being compared simultaneously based on unmatched aspects; and completely different sets of criteria are being given the same vague qualifiers (good/bad).

No, I know exactly what you mean, and I agree that a lack of shared definitions and assumptions is often what prevents these conversations from getting off the ground. You can either spend a lot of time establishing and arguing about those basic assumptions, which is sometimes useful but usually rather trite and tiring, or you can try to only discuss such things with people whose assumptions you're familiar with.

I know different people have different ideas of merit. I just think some of those ideas have more merit than others.
posted by ludwig_van at 7:11 PM on May 23, 2006

Sure, it's easier to talk to someone with which your basic concepts are calibrated. However, that's not the case in many of these threads (or conversations like them, and specifically what I'm concerned with at the moment), and it bothers me to see so much effort wasted by people campaigning for ideas not even in direct competition.

I just think some of those ideas have more merit than others.

I agree with the premise, as I have music I love, and music I abhor. But, until there's an ISO report on merit, we're stuck hashing out things in different shades of subjectivity, or trying to reduce art to technique.
posted by evil holiday magic at 7:48 PM on May 23, 2006

I happened to just see the scene last night from Spartacus (it was deleted in the original theatre release), and it seems appropriate:

Marcus Licinius Crassus: Of course not. It is all a matter of taste, isn't it?
Antoninus: Yes, master.
Marcus Licinius Crassus: And taste is not the same as appetite, and therefore not a question of morals.
Antoninus: It could be argued so, master.
Marcus Licinius Crassus: My robe, Antoninus. My taste includes both snails and oysters.

I think it's fair to say that different people appreciate music for different reasons. I know I personally enjoy different pieces of music for different reasons. The one uniting principle is the "experience" of listening to the music - does it delight me, move me, make me want to dance or make me want to cry, make me wonder at its beauty or just sweep me away to the place it wants to go?

I know I like many very silly or objectively very inane songs (Barbie is a favorite, though I prefer the punk cover) because they make me laugh , make me happy or make me want to dance. But I also very much like Benjamin Britton's "War Requiem", which does not make me want to dance, but swells my heart with feeling.

Maybe there is something to the overall whole. I don't like Celene Dion's "My Heart will Go On" because it is trying to be profound and moving, and it has a pretty effective melodic line but the lyrics just don't work for it (Celene Dion is very good in French, when I don't know what she is singing). But I did very much like LT United's lyrically minimalist Eurovision entry, "We are the winners (of the Eurovision song contest)", because it was trying to delight and make me laugh, and it succeeded. It also makes me want to dance. Years ago, I really liked Bette Midlers' "From a Distance" and "Wind beneath my wings" - and they still are fairly good songs - but I have gotten cynical enough that I don't respond as well to simple insprirational songs any more. It's not the song, it's me.
posted by jb at 2:38 AM on May 24, 2006

According to Dave Soldier, the worst song ever featured "a children’s choir singing holiday commercials; a high-pitched operatic soprano rapping about cowboys; extremely loud and soft volumes; and bagpipe, banjo, piccolo, church organ and tuba. It had a temporal duration of 20 minutes."

But my vote goes to the inexplicable "I Got My Mind Set On You" by George Harrison.
posted by flabdablet at 3:58 AM on May 24, 2006

I think it's fair to say that different people appreciate music for different reasons. I know I personally enjoy different pieces of music for different reasons.

I think that happens to a lot of poeple, there isn't always such a compartmentalisation. In fact, I think the compartmentalisation is in big part an effect of targeted marketing.

Marcus Licinius Crassus: And taste is not the same as appetite, and therefore not a question of morals.

Heh, but it is in good part also a question of culture. Sure taste is very subjective when it comes to sheer enjoyment, at whatever level, but it is also very pliable, and can change with curiosity and exposure; and then, when it comes to actually making judgements or arguing about or reviewing music, then, well, that's another level of appreciating music and it gets dumb to dismiss an entire genre or style out of hand. It no longer is all subjective when you're going from your personal enjoyment to trying to make judgements of value.

I know I can't do that, I can't even try and be more objective, if I like something I like it and that's it, I don't like to rationalise it and I can't even argue about it because it spoils the pleasure for me. But I do appreciate people who can do that in a non-obnoxious way and make you curious about different things. I know I get bored very easily if I listen only to similar stuff, even when I like it.
posted by funambulist at 4:17 AM on May 24, 2006

Another thing about music is that most folks will have an opinion on it but few are equipped with the terminology and background to be able to discuss it in any kind of objective sense.
posted by ludwig_van at 4:32 AM on May 24, 2006