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June 16, 2006 9:22 AM   Subscribe

Do you hate Uwe Boll? Did you write about it online? Here's your chance to kick his ass... In person. On film. Which will supposedly be presented in "Postal", one of his so-called movies. -Kristanna Loken
posted by loquacious (55 comments total)

 
Haha. So he basically wants to beat up his critics? That's hilarious.
posted by untuckedshirts at 9:25 AM on June 16, 2006


Via Capn and MeCha.
posted by loquacious at 9:25 AM on June 16, 2006


Boll is brilliant. If he didn't exist, someone would have to invent him.
posted by brundlefly at 9:27 AM on June 16, 2006


"I hate Hollywood" in front of Graumann's Chinese Theatre at a premiere is worth kicking some ass. He can take a few shots at my pretty face for that, any time.

Though, his movies pretty much suck. I can only hope he's a better boxer.
posted by loquacious at 9:32 AM on June 16, 2006


"VANCOUVER (CP) - Are you an in-shape male ... "

Fuck.
posted by mr_crash_davis at 9:32 AM on June 16, 2006


Kibo is calling for emails of support for his candidacy for this fight, even though he didn't quite meet the frequency/time period of requested criticisms.
posted by nonane at 9:32 AM on June 16, 2006


HAH!

I FULLY SUPPORT THE ULTRACONTENDER AND LICORICE HUMPING KIBO. Uwe Boll's listed email according to Kibo the Penultimate is info@boll-kg.de. The official hardline Kibologist message is "Dear Uwe Boll, please stop being so lame and let Kibo beat you up like you asked him to. You must be a real wuss if you're afraid of Kibo. Please let Kibo beat you up. It won't hurt that bad. Kibo's fists are made of bacon bits."

May the heavens rain Blessed Lard upon you.
posted by loquacious at 9:39 AM on June 16, 2006


I posted about Boll before, but I wouldn't say I hate him. So I don't think I'm up for Vancouver, sorry.

Still, I think this is pretty awesome. Most critics are complete assholes - they only criticize because they can't do it themselves. So go Uwe! I'd love to see him take out Rex Reed, Michael Medved, or - definitely - Armond White. Too bad he can't take out some music critics too. Robert Christgau. Or how about a whole tag team match against Pitchfork Media?

Imagine if Ed Wood had taken on boxing gloves instead of a dress. What a world.
posted by fungible at 9:40 AM on June 16, 2006


Imagine if Ed Wood had taken on boxing gloves AND a dress.

"Dude, you just got knocked the fuck out by a guy in a tight, fuzzy twinset and poodle skirt. That's gotta hurt."
posted by loquacious at 9:43 AM on June 16, 2006


It's a trap, if you go and kick his ass you only bring publicity to his next horrible film.
posted by furiousxgeorge at 9:46 AM on June 16, 2006


Forget Kibo, I'm throwing my support behind Kimbo.
posted by bra1n at 9:49 AM on June 16, 2006


they only criticize because they can't do it themselves.

Yup, none of his critics could make god awful video game-based movies. They're just jealous.
posted by puke & cry at 9:49 AM on June 16, 2006 [1 favorite]


You ever tried to make a god-awful video game based movie? It's not easy.
posted by fungible at 9:54 AM on June 16, 2006


The Horror Channel has been diligently reporting the latest news on all things Uwe. 1, 2, 3. The links are worth following just for the photos, because you know you want to stare directly into the face of madness.
posted by Faint of Butt at 10:00 AM on June 16, 2006


Hot damn! A chance to bloody Uwe's face on my home turf!

YOU'RE GOING DOWN, BOLL!
posted by antifreez_ at 10:14 AM on June 16, 2006


Fuck Kimbo, try Kimo who leathered the crap out of Tank Abbott at UFC 43.
posted by longbaugh at 10:18 AM on June 16, 2006


Do you qualify? If so: SWEEP THE LEG!
posted by loquacious at 10:18 AM on June 16, 2006


This sounds like fun.

- Todd Lokken
posted by StrasbourgSecaucus at 10:36 AM on June 16, 2006


A movie based on Postal?!? And here I've been thinking that I only imagined that game in a dream - someone really made a game that consisted entirely of shooting slow-moving people, and now they're making a movie out of it?
posted by 1adam12 at 10:45 AM on June 16, 2006


How about Lars Van Trier? Any chance I can kick that guy's ass?
posted by lunalaguna at 11:05 AM on June 16, 2006


I could totally take him.

- Don Dokken
posted by schoolgirl report at 11:14 AM on June 16, 2006


"The reign of violence that follows will redefine the boundaries of extreme gore, physical and mental torture explored through cinema." -- taken from a press release for Boll's upcoming film, Seed, as found in Faint of Butt's third link.

Having watched all of Boll's American output, I think Bloodrayne is best considererd as the beginning of his Baroque period. Watching the scene where Meatloaf Aday is dressed up as a flamboyant vampire, surrounded by prostitutes that are real Romanian hookers (Boll said they were cheaper than hiring real actresses), it's clear that Boll is revelling in the form he's created. The fact that Boll is actively promoting his upcoming film as one that will "redefine the boundaries...of mental torture explored through cinema" makes me excited beyond words. Uwe Boll is so spectactularly and unapologetically bad that he makes Renny Harlin's work look like that of Tarkovsky.
posted by Lee Marvin at 11:16 AM on June 16, 2006


Obviously this is aimed at people who know who Uwe Boll is. I actually think this is a good example of a post where virtually none of the words in the fpp, the title or the tags communicate any information whatsoever about the content. By this I mean, if you want to concentrate on being Mr. Cool with the wording then you are alienating people.

There is no incentive for me to click the link at all. I'm not just talking to you loquacious, nor am I particularly bagging you, but if members can't have some regard for the fact that there are people outside of their immediate field of vision (whether it's country, job, technical knowledge etc) then there will be less eyes looking at their post. This isn't something to flag and it is not a job for MeTa - it's a simple courtesy reminder to think outside of the parochial box.

Please carry on, as I shall.
posted by peacay at 11:16 AM on June 16, 2006


God DAMN it, why can't i be in Vancouver? i would love to take a shot a Boll. And apparently, unlike his critics, i have seen his movies.

i ask you this: how could someone so badly screw up a movie that the video game it's based on has better cinematography?

i can understand him getting House of the Dead. It was a mediocre game. i was puzzled by him getting Bloodrayne, that was a fairly clever game with an engaging plot.

But the gauntlet was thrown when someone, some idiot gave him the Far Cry franchise. That is when i realized that he needs to be stopped.

Up until now, there have been very few good video game movies. That they keep letting this hack continue to be representative of what a game movie could be seriously limits the chances of other quality game movies ever being made.

Still, there is hope; Peter Jackson is the executive producer on Halo.
posted by quin at 11:18 AM on June 16, 2006


peacay, did it take you longer to write that comment than it would have for you to type Uwe Boll's name into Wikipedia?
posted by Faint of Butt at 11:23 AM on June 16, 2006


If Uwe Boll fought Harry Knowles they could kill each other. Think about that. Win win.
posted by slimepuppy at 11:27 AM on June 16, 2006 [1 favorite]


peacay, be sure to lodge your inane complaint in these two threads as well.

There's quite a few more you can go whinge in too.

The amount of times I have ignored "American Politician A does X and American Politician B responds Y" threads is pretty fucking countless. Or, y'know, I read up on the people involved.
posted by slimepuppy at 11:31 AM on June 16, 2006


"On the message boards, you have, like, tons of people, they want to punish me kill me, grill me, shoot me, everything. The Internet threats are so full of hate in a lot of times that I think it goes way over the top of normal reviews and normal talk about a director." (from the article)

That's because his movies go way over the top of normal bad. Way beyond horribly bad. So bad that you can't help wondering what coked up producer though giving this guy money was a good idea? And can I shoot him?

To be fair, no, I've never seen one of his movies all the way through. I couldn't sit through a whole one.

(And I generally *like* bad movies)
posted by [insert clever name here] at 11:50 AM on June 16, 2006


I've never been able to watch through a full movie of his, either. I thought I'd read that Germany had passed a law that made it harder to make money on movies that bomb. If so, how's Postal coming into existence?
posted by Atreides at 11:59 AM on June 16, 2006


Uwe Boll is so spectactularly and unapologetically bad that he makes Renny Harlin's work look like that of Tarkovsky.

I've never understood why people bash Harlin. His films are big and dumb, but they're generally competent and fun. Harlin doesn't even rate on my bad filmmakers list. Besides Deep Blue Sea is fucking awesome. They're sharks! And they're smart! And they're HUGE!
posted by brundlefly at 12:03 PM on June 16, 2006


peacay writes "There is no incentive for me to click the link at all."

I understand that this is because you don't know who Ewe Boll is, which is fine. However, I posit that this is only interesting to people who already know about Ewe Boll, so even if loq had given you sufficient background, you still would have no incentive to click the link. Loq just got the same effect with less words.
posted by Bugbread at 12:14 PM on June 16, 2006


what coked up producer though giving this guy money was a good idea?

Uwe gets most of his money because of a loophole in German tax law; all of his investors get to write off what money they put in. Thus, there's no need for his films to make a return (even though some do, strangely).

Frankly, I'm jealous - who wouldn't want to make films like that? Too bad he can't be good at the same time.
posted by fungible at 12:18 PM on June 16, 2006


Boll looks pretty solid. Let me know if Woody Allen wants to fight.
posted by horsewithnoname at 12:21 PM on June 16, 2006


1adam12: Not only was there one Postal game, there were two.
posted by neckro23 at 12:40 PM on June 16, 2006


brundlefly, I'm also a big fan of Harlin's; his movies are flawlessly (albeit benignly) formulaic, and super-smart sharks are a can't miss hit. I also like Boll's movies, simply for the fact that they're also impeccably formulaic, but in Boll's case, the formula is one for awful movies. In House of the Dead, for instance, Boll randomly (and haphazardly) inserts real clips from the HOTD video game into the movie; that's the prodigious quality of schlockmanship that Boll brings to his films, shit that no other filmmaker would ever seriously consider, let alone actually put in the final cut of the film.

I don't think it's a coincidence that both Boll and Harlin are Europeans. They, like Paul Verhoeven, began by making movies in their native countries before moving to the United States, at which point they all began directing brutally competent mainstream films that are most remarkable for their frequent tendency to feel as though they're the ur-text for many similar American movies that have proceeded (and followed) them. Finding themselves in Hollywood, these guys are making what they think are "the Hollywood movies.

Reading over what I just wrote, I don't think I've conveyed myself as well as I'd like. Suffice it to say that I really am a fan of Boll, Harlin, and Verhoeven, as I see a shared quality in their films that really fascinates me, some sort of hyper-formulaic-ness most likely born from their similar biographies.
posted by Lee Marvin at 12:53 PM on June 16, 2006


Lee Marvin, on the surface, i agree with you. i love B movies and all the camp that goes along with them. i think some of the most innovative film makers today are coming out of Europe.

But Boll, fun schlockey or not, earns my ire because it's not just his story that he's screwing up. He's tainting stories that others have put a lot of work into making and others have put a lot of work into playing.

Take Bloodrayne; the videogame is pretty entertaining, nothing stellar, but fun. i left the game with good feelings and i had no problems recommending the game to others. After Boll's tragic mishandling of the franchise, when i recommend it now i have to go through a long explanation that 'no, the game is quite good. Nothing like the movie'.

If Boll stuck to making bad little films that came solely from his own imagination, i would probably get a real kick out of his work. That he takes things that have brought me great joy and pisses all over them is why i hate him so.
posted by quin at 1:14 PM on June 16, 2006


touche, quin. I'm not a gamer so I haven't come to any of Boll's movies with prior knowledge of the characters, so I haven't had the opportunity to be let down by what I understand is Boll's willful misrepresentation of the franchises (I recall reading in an interview with Boll that he doesn't play video games, and doesn't have an interest in the games beyond the theatrical distribution their names can garner).

Hypothetically, I wonder what the situation would be if Boll made crically-lauded, undisputably wonderful films that nevertheless still had nothing to do with their source material.
posted by Lee Marvin at 1:28 PM on June 16, 2006


Hypothetically, I wonder what the situation would be if Boll made crically-lauded, undisputably wonderful films that nevertheless still had nothing to do with their source material.

Gamers would bitch, of course. We're almost lucky, in a way, that Boll's movies are so atrocious, since that lends legitimacy to the complaints.
posted by Faint of Butt at 1:40 PM on June 16, 2006


Mr. Boll:

I haven't been talking shit, but if you're ever in Phoenix, Uwe, I'd be happy to fight you.
posted by ph00dz at 3:50 PM on June 16, 2006


I was looking at this list of game to movie translations to see if there had ever been a good one, I haven't seen some of them though. The ones I do know about suck hard. Although it seems that they're making a movie of American McGee's Alice, which seems pretty promising.
posted by puke & cry at 4:48 PM on June 16, 2006 [1 favorite]


Leaving the topic of the FPP aside, I'm glad I'm not the only one who enjoyed Deep Blue Sea. Super smart sharks man! Effin' sharks! Also featured my favorite Samuel L. Jackson death scene ever.
posted by kosher_jenny at 5:03 PM on June 16, 2006


Renny Harlin also gave us The Long Kiss Goodnight, which is also great fun. DBS is a really quite decent little monster movie, except for the bit where the sharks swim backwards because they are so SMRT.

I'm really hoping that someday I can see Renny Harlin's film of One Fine Day in the Middle of the Night by Christopher Brookmyre.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 5:27 PM on June 16, 2006


If Uwe Boll fought Harry Knowles they could kill each other. Think about that. Win win.

Ain't NO WAY Harry Knowles comes in under 190 pounds. NO WAY.
posted by frogan at 6:30 PM on June 16, 2006


You ever tried to make a god-awful video game based movie? It's not easy.

Oh yeah? Maybe not. It's also not easy to make a movie that doesn't make you want to poke your own eyeballs out with a serving fork. I really can't figure out what the hell Boll thinks he's doing. I have this feeling he's never watched his own films. He just moves from shoot to shoot in some kind of anti-shamanistic coke-feuled haze.

This challenge doesn nothing to dispel that feeling for me. Really, I don't care that Boll could probably take me. Though I'd make it hard for him. That's not going to change the utter insane lack of sense that all his movies make. Uwe Boll is simply one of the worst directors who ever lived.
posted by lumpenprole at 6:48 PM on June 16, 2006


Deep Blue Sea is brilliant. I remember reading some review or another that said that, if it had fit the logic of the film, the sharks would have been outside the portholes, dancing jigs, taunting the people inside. It's that wonderfully over the top. I can watch that flick over and over again. It's good to see I'm not alone in my enjoyment.

Lee Marvin, I will agree with your appreciation of Verhoeven, but I will say that he is well beyond Harlin (and, of course, Boll). Verhoeven does, indeed, make over the top genre flicks, but there is more of a mind behind it than Harlin. Not just nth degree emulations of Hollywood genres. Robocop and Starship Troopers are very intelligent films, beyond their b-movie goofiness.
posted by brundlefly at 6:49 PM on June 16, 2006


Also, I've seen people lump Uwe Boll in with Ed Wood. That is very unfair. When you watch an Ed Wood film, if you get beyond that technical ineptness, his films are obviously labors of love. Glen Or Glenda, for example, is very personal.

Boll is a hack and a businessman. He's done well for himself financially, but he will never reach Ed Wood's heights of artistry.

Yes, I just used "Ed Wood" and "artistry" in a sentence.
posted by brundlefly at 6:56 PM on June 16, 2006 [1 favorite]


Here, here brundlefly!

Ed Wood is the ultimate in a person willing to try as hard as they can to do something they love despite every possible circumstance (including probably, talent) against them.

Uwe Boll is the guy who won the lottery and bought 3 gold ferraris and crashed them into each other repeatedly until he was out of money. And even that would make a better film than anything he's done.

You know, now that I think about it, the boxing makes sense. His films seem to be edited by someone who's been hit in the head repeatedly. It all makes sense.
posted by lumpenprole at 7:12 PM on June 16, 2006


Thank you, lumpenprole. Now I have to make a movie about three gold Ferraris crashing into each other repeatedly.
Don't worry. You'll get story credit.
posted by brundlefly at 7:17 PM on June 16, 2006


I'd be worried I'd get a story credit. What's that pseudonym that actors and techs use when they don't actually want to be credited? There's some really bad film out there I saw where at least half of the credits were to that one prolific guy.
posted by loquacious at 7:33 PM on June 16, 2006


Directors use Alan Smithee.
posted by brundlefly at 7:39 PM on June 16, 2006


Brundlefly nails it.

Boll's not a misunderstood and somewhat talentless artist. He's a moderately successful business man. He's not emotionally or artistically invested in any of his projects. That makes him, in my mind, much worse than people like Paul W.S. Anderson who, though undoubtedly talentless, actually seems to care about what he does.
posted by slimepuppy at 2:15 AM on June 17, 2006


Ive seen two Uwe Boll from begining to end.

Which probably makes me the leading authority on his movies.

they only criticize because they can't do it themselves.

Uwe Boll's movies are not the worst in the world, true enough. But if you look at the amount of money that is poured into these films, how how consistently bad they are, he rightly becomes a legend.

The movies that are worse than his are made by small indepent unprofessional film makers. Those film makers dont get millions of dollars, over and over again, like Uwe Boll.
posted by JokingClown at 6:40 AM on June 17, 2006


fungible : "Most critics are complete assholes - they only criticize because they can't do it themselves."

Er, so if someone criticizes a Boll movie, but doesn't criticize a Kubrick movie, is it safe to infer that the critic couldn't make the Boll movie, but could make the Kubrick movie? I suspect that "because they can't do it themselves" is not the only reason they criticize.
posted by Bugbread at 7:10 AM on June 17, 2006


much worse than people like Paul W.S. Anderson who, though undoubtedly talentless

Now, now. Event Horizon is good. The first Resident Evil is, well, pretty good for a zombie movie based on a game. Soldier is not a terrible SF picture by a long shot. And even AVP is pretty good for a bug hunt.

None of these are going to get confused with Tarkovsky's Solaris, but all of them were pretty entertaining brain-candy.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 9:33 AM on June 17, 2006


Now, now. Event Horizon is good. The first Resident Evil is, well, pretty good for a zombie movie based on a game. Soldier is not a terrible SF picture by a long shot. And even AVP is pretty good for a bug hunt.

ROU_Xenophobe, i agree with everything you said here. i just need to make one minor change;

The first Resident Evil is, well, pretty remarkably good for a zombie movie based on a game.
posted by quin at 10:17 AM on June 17, 2006


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