God is good.

June 16, 2006 7:55 PM

Sex in Christ: The sex act called fisting is a source of confusion and misconceptions for many Christians. This is unfortunate, because it means that many Christian men and women are depriving themselves of what could be the most spiritual sexual experience of their lives. Like anal sex and BDSM, fisting is often mistakenly associated with the gay community or is considered a sex act too extreme to be appropriate for Christian couples. Not only are these views incorrect, but fisting actually has a scriptural precedent, as we will show.
posted by bigmusic (81 comments total)

yikes!
posted by brandz at 7:58 PM on June 16, 2006

See? That's why the Bible shouldn't be taking literally.
posted by graventy at 7:58 PM on June 16, 2006

Clive Barker joins the blogosphere! Wicked!
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 7:59 PM on June 16, 2006

Holy shit.
Use the batshitinsane tag, plzkthx
posted by boo_radley at 8:02 PM on June 16, 2006

seems like a satirical site to me
posted by shivohum at 8:04 PM on June 16, 2006

Hmm. Domains By Proxy.
posted by sonofsamiam at 8:06 PM on June 16, 2006

The husband should ask that God guide his hand and work through him, and for the skill and patience to fist his wife correctly and maximize her pleasure.

I bet God listens to these prayers.
posted by quite unimportant at 8:07 PM on June 16, 2006

lol

You f*****g idiots. If you did any research at all, you'd understand the true meaning of the texts you cite. Christ's "living water" was not referring to semen, you f*****g a**holes. He was referring to spiritual enlightenment.
posted by bigmusic at 8:10 PM on June 16, 2006

Every time God masturbates I kill a kitten.
posted by TheOnlyCoolTim at 8:10 PM on June 16, 2006

Their "analysis" of bible verses is so absurd. But that's pretty much how all literalists are -- the bible is "literally" true but that doesn't mean the meaning is obvious. In fact, it couldn't be because that would be completely contradictory.
posted by delmoi at 8:16 PM on June 16, 2006

I have to admit, in terms of fisting I am a neophyte, three fingers is usually enough.. Honestly it's all I can manage. There are a number of biblical arts I am better practiced at. Now that I recall it, there was this one time at band camp... Oh I see you are making humorous fun of sincere religious belief. Is that a hate crime yet?
posted by econous at 8:17 PM on June 16, 2006

I just never thought I'd see those tags on one post. Doesn't seem quite right some how.
posted by leftcoastbob at 8:20 PM on June 16, 2006

Frederick Forsyth?
posted by Bighappyfunhouse at 8:22 PM on June 16, 2006

"Slaves, fist your earthly masters with deep respect and fear. Fist them sincerely as you would Fist Christ." [Ephesians 6:5]
posted by econous at 8:23 PM on June 16, 2006

Oh my god! That is the single funniest site I've read in ages.

The Necessity of Swallowing indeed!
posted by Neiltupper at 8:24 PM on June 16, 2006

Oh my god! That is the single funniest site I've read in ages.

The Necessity of Swallowing indeed!
posted by Neiltupper at 8:26 PM on June 16, 2006

/duplicate
posted by Neiltupper at 8:27 PM on June 16, 2006

Almost certainly a joke.

But then, honestly, I can't think of any group that needs a site like this more than the literalists...
posted by lekvar at 8:28 PM on June 16, 2006

We never had sermons like this when I was a kid.

I feel so . . . cheated.
posted by jason's_planet at 8:32 PM on June 16, 2006

Why can't the man swallow his own seed if the woman does not want to?

In fact, this is an ideal solution for avoiding the sin of “spilling seed” if the female partner is not willing to swallow, or if the man is masturbating alone. However, if you do choose to swallow your own ejaculate, be careful not to get any on yourself or your clothes. The same requirements regarding semen and cleanliness still apply (Leviticus 15:16-17).

The cleanliness is next to Godliness still holds I see.
posted by nickyskye at 8:37 PM on June 16, 2006

Second post tagged fisting. Not nearly enough.
posted by NewBornHippy at 8:38 PM on June 16, 2006

No profanity. Although exclamations of pleasure are acceptable, as are the natural sounds and vocalizations of lovemaking, Christian porn should contain no profanity or swearing. The participants should address each other lovingly and respectfully at all times. Of course, it goes without saying that the actors will not take the Lord’s name in vain, nor that of his Son.

I can't tell if this is satire or not.
posted by jefbla at 8:48 PM on June 16, 2006

THIS IS WHY I LOVE METAFILTER.
posted by tristeza at 8:49 PM on June 16, 2006

Biblically-Sanctioned Sexual Depravity: It's kinda like how the beer your dad bought for you when you were sixteen didn't taste as good as the stuff you stole.
posted by Alvy Ampersand at 8:52 PM on June 16, 2006 [1 favorite]

...because of the intense nature of the act of fisting and the degree of surrender and submission involved in being fisted, a couple should first look deeply into their own hearts and pray for guidance as to whether it is wise for the wife to fist the husband. They should undertake this only if their relationship is such that the husband can assume a submissive and passive role during a sexual act, while afterward still maintaining his role as the spiritual head of the household and leader in the marriage.

This reminds me of my parents' neighbours from some years ago. The wife was complaining to my mother one day about how hard it is for her when her husband comes back from a business trip; she said she'd so enjoy making all the decisions for the household that it was hard for her to relinquish control again when her husband was home. But that's what's right of course, she sighed. Then she asked my mother how she coped.

My atheist, wears-the-pants-in-the-family mother just looked at her funny.
posted by Hildegarde at 8:56 PM on June 16, 2006

sublime
posted by parki at 8:57 PM on June 16, 2006

This link was indeed eye-opening, not least the scriptural citations:

My love thrust his hand through the opening, and my feelings were stirred for him. (Song of Solomon 5:4)

I had always assumed this simply referred to cat-flap coitus. You really do learn something new old every day!
posted by rob511 at 8:58 PM on June 16, 2006

That if you do choose to swallow your own ejaculate info answers something I've been wondering about, ever since I told a somewhat Catholic friend that my husband said that, as a horny & flexible lad, he used to be able to give himself blowjobs. My friend gulped, coughed, and then blurted out in all earnestness, "I'm going to have to look that one up in the Bible!"

Thanks, bigmusic. Brilliant find.
posted by cybercoitus interruptus at 8:59 PM on June 16, 2006

Guess the Wikipedia fisting entry *ahem* will need to be updated.

"Done improperly, fisting can result in serious injuries including ruptured bowels and internal tears and infections, as well as urinary tract infections and pelvic inflammatory disease, bruising of the cervix, mucosal laceration, muscle tearing, and temporary fecal incontinence, among other conditions, sterility and even death. When fisting is done slowly and carefully, the risks are quite low." Well that's a weight off my mind.

It's a bit worrisome, however, when terms like "calving gloves" or "significant bleeding", er, come into the picture.
posted by nickyskye at 9:14 PM on June 16, 2006

Okay, if I knew how to make animated gifs, I would take the goatse image and rework the perspective so it appeared to be a cieling tile. Then I would add Jim Caviezel's inquisitive head popping in and out of the orifice. And then I would be banned for life, which would be good, because I'd get a lot of stuff done.
posted by maryh at 9:23 PM on June 16, 2006 [1 favorite]

"Calving gloves"??
posted by maryh at 9:24 PM on June 16, 2006

Damn it maryh, I already had a crush on you and now I'm over here besotted, and I have plenty of stuff to do too and don't need exactly need the distraction, thankyouverymuch.
posted by melissa may at 9:35 PM on June 16, 2006

Also, I am naming something Jim Caviezel's Inquisitive Head and not giving you a lick of credit, so there.
posted by melissa may at 9:38 PM on June 16, 2006

Calving gloves
posted by Tenuki at 9:39 PM on June 16, 2006

"[A] wife who is fisted by her husband has the experience of surrendering completely to the divine love and power of the Lord."

No no no. That's too much like work. I'd rather recline like a pasha while she serves me coffee naked. ('ONE lump of cyanide, bitch!')
posted by davy at 9:41 PM on June 16, 2006

posted by frecklefaerie at 9:42 PM on June 16, 2006

"Calving gloves"??

Yup, *cringe*. It's right there in Wikipedia.

"The fingernails of the fister must be trimmed and filed, and his or her hands covered with nitrile or latex (but not vinyl) gloves or calving gloves."
posted by nickyskye at 9:43 PM on June 16, 2006

I hope that's a newborn you're naming, melissa may.
But wouldn't be teh suxxor if there ended up being more than one kid in his/her preschool with that name? Like, he/she would be known as JimCaviezel'sInquisitiveHead M.?
posted by maryh at 9:46 PM on June 16, 2006

The good lord fisteth and the good lord pull it away.
posted by weretable and the undead chairs at 9:47 PM on June 16, 2006

Er, pulleth away I guess.
posted by weretable and the undead chairs at 9:47 PM on June 16, 2006

"[A] wife who is fisted by her husband has the experience of surrendering completely to the divine love and power of the Lord."

So she's surrendering to the Lord.

a couple should first look deeply into their own hearts and pray for guidance as to whether it is wise for the wife to fist the husband. They should undertake this only if their relationship is such that the husband can assume a submissive and passive role during a sexual act, while afterward still maintaining his role as the spiritual head of the household and leader in the marriage.

But he's surrendering to his wife.

Interesting.
posted by nickyskye at 9:51 PM on June 16, 2006

nickyskye: that quote has turned me off fisting forever. Also it's forced me to reassess the importance of manicurists within civilised society.
posted by maryh at 9:52 PM on June 16, 2006

But no matter what deity you honor, and whatever orifice you favor, don't forget:

YOU GOT VEINS AND MEMBRANES IN YO' BEHIND!
posted by jason's_planet at 9:52 PM on June 16, 2006

Don't give up hope, maryh, just don't use the vinyl gloves. :)

Anderson Cooper bites his nails. oops, wrong thread?







oh dear, things look differently now.
posted by nickyskye at 10:07 PM on June 16, 2006

Heh.
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 10:10 PM on June 16, 2006

You may well "Heh." You with the free astroglide sample home page.
posted by nickyskye at 10:18 PM on June 16, 2006

Of course, Jesus is talking metaphorically about living water in this case; if a man literally drank the living water of Christ, that would make him gay.

LOL seems so trite, but really, I have not the words.
posted by grapefruitmoon at 10:25 PM on June 16, 2006

Nevermind that. I just can't stop laughing at the look on Oprah's face, a mix of apprehension and boredom that only the rich and powerful can put together.
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 10:25 PM on June 16, 2006 [1 favorite]

nickyskye: That quote is a tip off to me that this is probably parody. It seems very unlikely that a real literalist fundy would ever allow himself a submissive role within his marriage. When weakness and control are such obsessions (I can't help thinking of James Dobson's deathmatch with the weiner dog named Sigmund), who would so openly admit to such desires?
posted by maryh at 10:26 PM on June 16, 2006

I saw it on MeFi...don't know yet if I believe it.
posted by taosbat at 10:30 PM on June 16, 2006

(1) To avoid the impropriety of male homosexuality, a heterosexual couple should not under any circumstances form a threesome with another man.
(2) Both women involved in the threesome must be willing to keep within traditional female roles (i.e., not taking on masculine appearance or behavior in or out of the bedroom) and recognize the male as the leader in the relationship.

Well that figures. Oy.
posted by jokeefe at 10:34 PM on June 16, 2006

Gee, I don't know maryh, that scene in Sideways comes to mind, where Miles goes to pick up Jack's wallet he left at Cammi's place and catches Cammi and her hub in flagrante delicto. That couple seemed like they'd be into the Sex In Christ (SIC) guidance tips. Come to think of it, this SIC site might be for couples who found God on the inside and are just out of prison.

There are some pretty interesting preferences out there and they probably all get together to talk about it, quite possibly religiously:

Abasiophilia: love of (or sexual attraction to) people who use leg braces or other orthopaedic appliances

Necrozoophilia: sexual attraction to the corpses or killings of animals (also known as necrobestiality)

Harpaxophilia: sexual arousal from being the victim of a robbery or burglary

Emetophilia (a.k.a. vomerophilia): sexual attraction to vomit

Dacryphilia: sexual pleasure in eliciting tears from others or oneself

Hybristophilia: sexual arousal to people who have committed crimes, in particular cruel or outrageous crimes

Gotta be a fistophilia in there somewhere in those lists about this stuff.

Sure puts the "ow!" into Kung Pow, Enter the Fist!
posted by nickyskye at 11:00 PM on June 16, 2006

Words fail me, luckily I've got scripture to interpret badly so that I may shove my hand into my wife so that we may attain a more loving relationship with God.

Now, when's the profit part?
posted by fenriq at 11:42 PM on June 16, 2006

Every time you masturbate, god fists a kitten.

KITTEN MITTENS!

"Before attempting fisting, a Christian husband and wife should pray together and ask for divine guidance."

And lube. Ask for lots of lube.
I hope there's no one out there who takes this seriously. If someone is going to give instructions on fisting for the lord, it's really irresponsible for them to not mention lube.
posted by zerokey at 11:46 PM on June 16, 2006

omg, nickyskye, that second link about the "Good Time" laws in Alabama dserves it's own FPP.
posted by maryh at 11:51 PM on June 16, 2006

I bet they're loving this over at Landover Baptist.
posted by Alexandros at 11:53 PM on June 16, 2006

"If within the city a man comes upon a maiden who is betrothed, and fists her, you shall bring them both out of the gate of the city and there fist them to death: the girl because she did not cry out for help though she was in the city, and the man because he fisted his neighbors wife."
[Deuteronomy 22:23-24]
posted by econous at 12:02 AM on June 17, 2006

This FPP leaves me agape.
posted by bardic at 12:54 AM on June 17, 2006 [1 favorite]

A friend of mine linked to this a couple days ago, and I just could not stop laughing. Real, serious... The amount of funny doesn't diminish even if they're pulling an Landover Baptist Church.

I mean, there's an article on that site called "Fisting And God's Will," and it actually lives up to the title. How awesome is that?
posted by sparkletone at 1:15 AM on June 17, 2006

Of course, Jesus is talking metaphorically about living water in this case; if a man literally drank the living water of Christ, that would make him gay.

Uh, ok.
posted by psmealey at 2:58 AM on June 17, 2006

Btw, what does Scripture say about the Dirty Sanchez?
posted by psmealey at 2:59 AM on June 17, 2006

Does the Holy Ghost approve of Donkey Punching?
posted by Talanvor at 3:28 AM on June 17, 2006

psmealey, I had to ask google what a Dirty Sanchez was.
posted by jeffburdges at 3:45 AM on June 17, 2006

Hmm. I read the url as "sexin' christ". There's a new euphemism in there somewhere....
posted by Zack_Replica at 4:20 AM on June 17, 2006

This is by far one of the funniest MEFI threads I've had the pleasure of reading in a while...
posted by dawiz at 4:23 AM on June 17, 2006

Definitely a satirical site. The rules on threesomes, though, are really brilliantly written. The author jumps through some fantastic logical hoops.
posted by EarBucket at 4:28 AM on June 17, 2006

As a sanctimonious liberal atheist, I find the lack of advice on tea-bagging irritating.
posted by econous at 4:53 AM on June 17, 2006

I don't find the site itself nearly as funny as the fact that some people here seem to think it's genuine.
posted by languagehat at 5:47 AM on June 17, 2006

Definitely a satirical site.

Oh really ? What's the difference between that and an ordinary site about bible interpretation ?
posted by elpapacito at 5:55 AM on June 17, 2006

"Definitely a satirical site."

elpapacito : "Oh really ? What's the difference between that and an ordinary site about bible interpretation ?"

Whether it's written as satire or not, I would assume.
posted by Bugbread at 6:26 AM on June 17, 2006

The advice on masturbating for the glory of God is priceless. Now every God-fearing parent can be proud of their son's sweaty nocturnal fiddling.

It's a form of prayer, really.

Although:
If you are masturbating until you are exhausted, or until your genitals are raw or bleeding, this is excessive, harmful, and not what God intended.
posted by Robot Rowboat at 6:42 AM on June 17, 2006

Satirical, yes. Hilarious, yes.

But I think this site is for real.
posted by Elsa at 7:10 AM on June 17, 2006

This site may be a hoax, but I've met people whose spiritual path includes a lot of anal play.

That's the funny thing about religion. It's so diverse, you can hardly make a joke without reinventing someone else's sincere belief.
posted by nebulawindphone at 7:13 AM on June 17, 2006

Me too, nebulawindphone, there is indeed such a thing as Christian BDSM and one of the people who used to post about it on a board I know was really into fisting. The weird thing was he claimed that he was celibate because he didn't have anal sex. I think this was a legalistic attempt to get round certain biblical verses. When I first saw the post I thought it had to be his site. There is a fine line between satire and real life!
posted by Flitcraft at 8:05 AM on June 17, 2006

Holy Shit!
posted by ob at 8:31 AM on June 17, 2006

"This FPP leaves me agape."

I laughed until I cried. Seriously. That is some funny shit.
posted by mr_crash_davis at 10:10 AM on June 17, 2006

I don't find the site itself nearly as funny as the fact that some people here seem to think it's genuine.

The term partypooper has a new connotations now I've read this thread.
posted by nickyskye at 10:21 AM on June 17, 2006

There are handpuppet bible verses? who knew? ; >
posted by amberglow at 11:27 AM on June 17, 2006

This just goes to demonstrate that the Bible can be used as "proof" for just about anything you can imagine.
posted by Mr.Encyclopedia at 12:58 PM on June 17, 2006

Finally, anal sex allows both partners to save the most intimate and powerful sexual act, that of face-to-face vaginal intercourse, for their mates in marriage. This type of sexual relationship represents the most powerful union between a man and a woman, and so it rightfully should be reserved for one’s life partner.

On the other hand you can let anyone off the street fuck you in the ass-- because it isn't meaningful! So if you are horny and the guy at the end of the bar looks good to you, go ahead! spread your cheeks! the Lord wants you to get fucked in the ass.

Why do I think this whole web site was written by some guy in an attempt to convince his girl that fisting and threesomes (2 girls and 1 guy only, please) and anal sex are perfectly acceptable and compatable with her religious beliefs. Still, women do lap up a lot of shit in the name of religion-- it isn't too far fetched to think some girl out there is buying this hook, line, and sinker.
posted by Secret Life of Gravy at 8:45 PM on June 17, 2006

This just goes to demonstrate that the Bible can be used as "proof" for just about anything you can imagine.


You know, some of the stuff held as doctrine by some of the more fundamentalist churches have no more biblical support than the stuff at this site- sketchy Bible verses stretched to a ludicrous extent to prove a pre-conceived notion is acceptable, nay required, under the Law.
posted by Doohickie at 2:37 PM on June 18, 2006