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June 22, 2006 8:18 AM   Subscribe

Never have a bottle opener around when you need one? Not a problem, as 1000 Arten ein Bier zu öffnen demonstrates how to open beer bottles with a thousand different improvised bottle openers. Today's opener: a giant tortoise. Text in German, but the photos are universal.
posted by ewagoner (51 comments total) 1 user marked this as a favorite
 
sweet, i heart random bottle opening tactics. The three i find the most useful are a bic, a brick wall, and metal tableware of any kind.
posted by sourbrew at 8:21 AM on June 22, 2006


nice. creative use of materials, though it seems the technique used is similar throughout. anybody have any other methods that work?
posted by cubby at 8:24 AM on June 22, 2006


I usually use a key.
I could never do it with a lighter and was jealous of those who could.
posted by chococat at 8:24 AM on June 22, 2006


Whilst I am impressed with the number of methods I can't help but think that it's somewhat mean to use a giant tortoise to open your beer



and then not give it any.
posted by longbaugh at 8:25 AM on June 22, 2006


I usually use a key.
I could never do it with a lighter and was jealous of those who could.


Doh that is also one of the more useful methods, as i use my key a lot. The lighter is really easy though, its all in the fulcrum. Take one hand and wrap it around the bottle so that your fist stops directly below the cap, insert the lighter in between the top of your fist and the lip of the cap. If you have done this properly there should not be much space for the lighter maybe 10mm. This leaves you with about 40 mm sticking up, grab that with your other hand and in one swift motion pull down.

DO NOT BE TIMID, after some practice this will work every time, and it gives you a satisfying pop. Although a word of warning, despite the joy of a cap that shoots off, i suggest doing it with just enough pressure to remove the cap, a spinning bottle cap can be dangerous, and i once lacerated my ear with one, on a day that was otherwise shitty to boot.
posted by sourbrew at 8:31 AM on June 22, 2006


chococat: "I usually use a key. "

I've got one just for this purpose.
posted by ewagoner at 8:33 AM on June 22, 2006


Opening bottles with leverage is a handy skill. A lighter is my favorite opener of choice.

Although i like the concept of this site, I was not happy seeing him use a living tortoise. Having used this trick on countles lighters, i can tell you every bottle takes a little chunk of plastic out of the lighter. That means he probably knicked or atleast scraped that tortoise shell, which is probably atleast 30 or 40 years old.
posted by Merik at 8:35 AM on June 22, 2006


sourbrew, I had trouble visualizing your technique, so a quick Google turned up this illustrated guide.
I guess for me the problem was that my hand would always move. To get the proper leverage it seems like you need to be prying the lighter against something fixed. Maybe I just need stronger hands.
I'm going to try this.
posted by chococat at 8:38 AM on June 22, 2006


I like using a door jam. Place the lip of the cap on the metal of the jam, then strike the top of the cap with palm of your hand using a sharp downward blow with.

It will work with any hard edge.
posted by oddman at 8:43 AM on June 22, 2006


oddman, thats how i use a brick wall.
posted by sourbrew at 8:54 AM on June 22, 2006


That giant tortoise might even be over 100 years old. It upsets me to see it being used as a bottle opener by some drunken yabbo. It upsets me enough that if I saw it in person I probably couldn't and wouldn't refrain from picking up his scrawny ass by his belt, taking away his beer, and walking him a fair distance away from the poor tortoise.


Lighters work great, so do metal flashlights. I even have a multitool/pliers I'm usually carrying about, and it's just easier to use the edge of the forged metal handles than it is to open the tool up, find the worthless little churchkey style bottle opener and use that, which usually takes at least two or three passes.

I've seen plenty of manly-man construction workers just open bottles reliably with their fingers and nails, not to mention teeth. But then these guys can crush many improbable things with hand strength alone.
posted by loquacious at 8:57 AM on June 22, 2006


loq: My instinct was similar to yours, only with more pounding on the yabbo.
posted by The Bellman at 8:58 AM on June 22, 2006


I was even more pissed off by that fact that he spilled beer on the tortoise. Like a 100 year old tortoise wants to walk around reeking of beer.
posted by zerokey at 9:04 AM on June 22, 2006


You don't actually think he attacked the tortoise with a beer bottle do you? Looks pretty much like an amusing photo series rather than someone *actually* opening a beer bottle using a tortoise.
posted by public at 9:17 AM on June 22, 2006


Some of the methods seem somewhat dangerous to your health: Note the blood on this picture.
posted by Herr Fahrstuhl at 9:25 AM on June 22, 2006


Eh, the yabbo in question is disrespectful enough to sit on the poor tortoise in the first place - not a good start. If the bottle was moved a few inches to the left we'd probably see a nick in the shell.
posted by loquacious at 9:26 AM on June 22, 2006


That poor, poor stone tortoise.
posted by bjork24 at 9:26 AM on June 22, 2006


i think the idea is that this is humorous and they aren't ACTUALLY opening beer with these objects. Case in point - that card looks a little flimsy to open beer with.
posted by casconed at 9:27 AM on June 22, 2006


Most of these are the same trick with different objects.
If you really want to impress someone, open a bottle of wine with your shoelace.
posted by weapons-grade pandemonium at 9:28 AM on June 22, 2006


Is it only Canada that has twist off caps?
posted by Mitheral at 9:37 AM on June 22, 2006


This is why I have bottleopener keychain thingy. So I do not have to harm giant tortises.
posted by ddf at 9:39 AM on June 22, 2006


Eh, the yabbo in question is disrespectful enough to sit on the poor tortoise in the first place - not a good start

Or maybe he's fake sitting too.
posted by smackfu at 9:42 AM on June 22, 2006




That poor, poor stone tortoise.

Baby seals make pretty good bottle openers. Spotted owls, not so much.
posted by horsewithnoname at 9:49 AM on June 22, 2006


Spotted owls are great. Beaky and all that.

It's not a stone tortoise, anyhow. It moved during the photo sequence. Probably attempting to flee, however slowly.
posted by loquacious at 9:52 AM on June 22, 2006


Is it only Canada that has twist off caps? - Mitheral

Canada has plenty of non-twist-off caps too ya know. Most 'girlie' coolers and many import beers have pry-off caps.
posted by raedyn at 9:57 AM on June 22, 2006


Sure, this drunken idiot thinks he's clever messing with a tortoise. He'll rue the day he crossed that reptile. They may be slow, but the have looong memories. He'll get his, count on it.

Seriously, they are unstoppable killing machines.

And if nothing else, since the tortoise is probably going live to be 200, he can always count on dancing on this guy's grave.
posted by quin at 10:16 AM on June 22, 2006


If they pour a 40 on the guy's grave, the tortoise could prove to be useful, once again.
posted by horsewithnoname at 10:43 AM on June 22, 2006


I'm going with stone tortoise, in fact two. Photo #1, no watch, photos 2-4, person wearing watch using a different statue.

No animals were harmed in the opening of this beverage.
posted by bra1n at 10:46 AM on June 22, 2006


It's true, there are no twist-offs in Germany and everyone can open a beer bottle with pretty much anything.

It's very embarassing when you can't.

And that's not a card, it's a 5mm thick chunk of plastic.

The cool way is to do it one handed by knocking it against a table edge or rock at just the right angle & force. Although it tends to foam.
posted by lastobelus at 10:55 AM on June 22, 2006


My dad used to be able to open a beer bottle by quickly sliding his hand over the top of it, and catching the cap with the underside of his class ring. He claims to have earned numerous free beers by betting the bartender that he could open the bottles bare-handed.
posted by MrZero at 11:26 AM on June 22, 2006




I've heard from three our four sources that a "friend of a friend" can open a beer using their eye socket. I've yet to see proof. Can anyone prove or deny that this is possible?
posted by kaefer at 11:48 AM on June 22, 2006


No eye socket, but I did stop using my teeth after I chipped one. Very convenient and easy trick.
posted by Loudmax at 12:24 PM on June 22, 2006


Once at a party a drunken associate swore that he could use the inside crook of his elbow to open a bottle cap. He then proceeded to attempt a demonstration. Despite our pleading attempts to convince him that the bottle cap in question was not in fact a twist off, he insisted that the feat was nonetheless possible. Several bleeding lacerations later he relented and we assisted him in his endeavor with a church key.
posted by baphomet at 12:34 PM on June 22, 2006


raedyn writes "Canada has plenty of non-twist-off caps too ya know. "

Just haven't seen one in ages, not that I'm a mighty drinker or anything.
posted by Mitheral at 12:35 PM on June 22, 2006


baphoment nice story, but how did it end, was the cap actually a twist off?
posted by econous at 12:46 PM on June 22, 2006


I think you are overlooking the possibility that the young man involved may have asked the tortoise for permission. 100 year old tortoises have been known to speak to young men. In my experience, it is best to take them seriously. They are wise.
posted by R. Mutt at 12:54 PM on June 22, 2006


The man who learned to uncap his beer with his electric tooth brush jump starts his day.
posted by Cranberry at 1:05 PM on June 22, 2006


MrZero writes "My dad used to be able to open a beer bottle by quickly sliding his hand over the top of it, and catching the cap with the underside of his class ring. He claims to have earned numerous free beers by betting the bartender that he could open the bottles bare-handed."

If you don't have a class ring, this one will do. And this key, which has a bottle opener, will pass through airport security.
posted by Araucaria at 1:15 PM on June 22, 2006


I'm pretty sure that 'flimsy' card is being pushed straight up toward the cap, and not being pressed down ala the Bic trick.
posted by hellphish at 1:27 PM on June 22, 2006


Forget opening it with your teeth. Real men don't even need to take the cap off.
posted by nixerman at 1:45 PM on June 22, 2006


I'm hesitant to try opening a bottle with another bottle ever since the time a guy tried to impress me by doing that, and managed only to break the neck of the bottle and shatter glass everywhere, thereby wasting my drink and making a mess of my friend's house. Needless to say, it made an impression, but not the one he'd hoped for.
posted by raedyn at 2:23 PM on June 22, 2006


I always liked using the truck bolts on my skateboard, until that one day I broke the bottle neck...and drank it anyway.
posted by hugecranium at 3:21 PM on June 22, 2006


My wife gave me one of these for my birthday. Best. Wife. Ever.
posted by eamondaly at 3:51 PM on June 22, 2006


All these comments and nobody has noticed that the name of the beer is SoyBrew Lager - which according to google has never, ever been mentioned in the internet before by name. Is it an actual beer, or something beer-like made from soy (the concept of which fills me with loathing even though I don't drink much beer).
posted by Sparx at 4:33 PM on June 22, 2006


I don't have problems getting beer bottles open most of the time. Wine bottles, on the other hand, have given me much grief in the past. My friends and I have been stuck in numerous situations involving a boring night, a bottle of wine, and no corkscrew...

We've tried using knives and pencils, all to no avail.
posted by nihraguk at 8:13 PM on June 22, 2006


Nihraguk: Bottle of wine + bent tent peg worked for me.
posted by randomination at 4:49 PM on June 23, 2006


With a bottle of wine you should just be able to push the cork through into the bottle. I've done it a few times when stuck without a corkscrew.
posted by markr at 7:27 PM on June 23, 2006


That's where the shoelace comes in, markr. You tie a knot (preferable figure eight) on the end, guide it under the cork, and pull up. The lace itself is thin and strong enough to pull the cork up and out of the bottle. I sometimes forget the corkscrew just so I can perform this little piece of magic.
posted by weapons-grade pandemonium at 8:48 AM on June 26, 2006


Adds a little je ne sais quois to the wine, too.
posted by weapons-grade pandemonium at 8:50 AM on June 26, 2006


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