"This sort of thing is my bag, baby!"

June 29, 2006 12:33 AM

Newsfilter: "Awkward Moments Abound in Penis Pump Trial."
posted by bardic (46 comments total)

Donald D. Thompson - "Danger" is my middle name. "Sh-Sh"
posted by Smedleyman at 12:46 AM on June 29, 2006

WHAT
THE
FUCK,
YOUR HONOR?

Actually, the last part of the story is pretty shocking, too:

Dr. S. Edward Dakil, a urologist called as an expert witness, repeatedly prompted laughter from the jury when discussion turned to the penis pump. Dakil defended use of the device after defense attorney Clark Brewster said it was an out-of-date treatment for erectile dysfunction.

"I still use those," Dakil testified.

Brewster paused.

"Not you, personally?" he asked.

"No," Dakil responded as jurors laughed. "I recommend those as a urologist."

posted by planetkyoto at 12:52 AM on June 29, 2006

Hard cases make bad laws?
posted by well_balanced at 1:00 AM on June 29, 2006

Yahoo has News of the Weird now? Crazy!
posted by graventy at 1:22 AM on June 29, 2006

I promise that, out of respect, I put away my various penile enhancement devices during the somber moments on MeFi.
posted by dgaicun at 1:31 AM on June 29, 2006

Up to forty years in jail and having to register as a sex offender for this? That is ludicrous.

Kick him off the bench and call him an idiot. Justice is served.
posted by Joey Michaels at 1:32 AM on June 29, 2006

Any amount of ridicule for him is justified. But:

Thompson, 59, is charged with four counts of indecent exposure, each punishable by up to 10 years in prison. If convicted, he would also have to register as a sex offender, and his $7,489.91-a-month pension would be in jeopardy.

WTF?
posted by uncle harold at 1:40 AM on June 29, 2006

Kick him off the bench and call him an idiot.

+ Community service: operating penis pumps for the elderly and disabled.
posted by pracowity at 1:42 AM on June 29, 2006

Yeah, the sex crime laws are a little out of whack.
posted by Tenuki at 1:42 AM on June 29, 2006

Kick him off the bench and call him an idiot.

"She testified that during a trial in 2002, she heard the pump during the emotional testimony of a murdered toddler's grandfather."

Still, it does sound a bit extreme.
posted by null terminated at 1:50 AM on June 29, 2006

this is most certainly a wacky tale of courtroom hijinks
posted by Mikey-San at 1:51 AM on June 29, 2006

Don't be so hard on him. He was just trying to stiffen his reputation. After all, who would want to be known as the "hanging judge"?
posted by Optamystic at 2:46 AM on June 29, 2006

7500 a month in pension?!
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 2:48 AM on June 29, 2006

Guys, let's be reasonable. Those possible punishments outlined are the max, meant for sickos who expose themselves to children and that lot. I don't think the guy would get 40 years. However, it is pretty sick that a judge was doing this kind of stuff to himself and not paying attention to trials where the reputation and lives of people are on the line.

All in all though, this article was pretty funny.
posted by switchsonic at 2:50 AM on June 29, 2006

switchsonic: it is pretty sick that a judge was doing this kind of stuff to himself and not paying attention to trials

Of course the sicker idea is that he was paying attention and getting off on the details.

"She testified that during a trial in 2002, she heard the pump during the emotional testimony of a murdered toddler's grandfather."
posted by Tenuki at 2:56 AM on June 29, 2006

A doctor has lectured on the lengths the defendant was willing to go to enhance his sexual performance.

[rim shot]
posted by O9scar at 3:05 AM on June 29, 2006

Thompson took the stand in his own defense, saying the device was a gag gift from a longtime friend with whom he had joked about erectile dysfunction. He said he kept the pump under the bench or in his office but didn't use it.
"In 20-20 hindsight, I should have thrown it away," he said.

Dipshit. Nothing worse than a bad liar. The correct answer is: "I NEVER SAW THAT THING BEFORE IN MY LIFE. BITCH SET ME UP."
posted by three blind mice at 3:05 AM on June 29, 2006

But are you actually supposed to 'get off' using a penis pump? I thought it had more to do with 'enlarging'? It could be he used it in court because he found that was the only convenient time(!).
posted by Catfry at 3:06 AM on June 29, 2006

"However, it is pretty sick that a judge was doing this kind of stuff to himself and not paying attention to trials where the reputation and lives of people are on the line."

You don't need to be using a penis pump to not pay attention to trials where the reputation and lives of people are on the line. Look at Judge Judy.
posted by -harlequin- at 3:09 AM on June 29, 2006

What, didn't you know ? If you kill one million, you are a hard-decision statesman, if you steal 10 billion you are a framed enterpreneur, if you steal an apple or expose your dysfunctional penis (which wasn't exposed anyway I guess) you are worse then osama, stalin, lienin and regan !
posted by elpapacito at 3:18 AM on June 29, 2006

$7,489.91-a-month pension

There is no justice in this world.
posted by Meatbomb at 4:50 AM on June 29, 2006

If it's a *free* trial, I'd say screw the akward moments, just go for it.
posted by goodnewsfortheinsane at 4:51 AM on June 29, 2006

"..not paying attention to trials where the reputation and lives of people are on the line."

Just because he might have been multi-tasking doesn't mean he wasn't paying attention to the courtroom proceedings - it's not like he was trying to calculate the square roots of prime numbers in his head.
posted by unmake at 5:27 AM on June 29, 2006

Just because he might have been multi-tasking doesn't mean he wasn't paying attention to the courtroom proceedings - it's not like he was trying to calculate the square roots of prime numbers in his head.

Erm, yeah. I'm really hoping you're joking with that one.

And anyway, at least if he was trying calculate square roots, he wouldn't be redirecting his blood supply south...
posted by Zinger at 5:56 AM on June 29, 2006

Maybe he was just doing a Darth Vader impression.
posted by kirkaracha at 6:57 AM on June 29, 2006

How can you be charged with indecent exposure if you didn't actually expose yourself openly to anyone?
posted by clevershark at 7:08 AM on June 29, 2006

Maybe he just saw Swordfish and was trying to challenge himself.
posted by porpoise at 7:27 AM on June 29, 2006

Maybe they just need to design a quieter penis pump...I'm not sure it's really evolved technologically in a number of years.
posted by PHINC at 7:41 AM on June 29, 2006

I swear I read about this... in Penthouse magazine in the 80's. I was just a wee lad, so I'm not sure if the "article" was supposed to be fact or fiction, but it was all about the weird sexual shit judes did while sitting through trials. Butt plugs, garter belts under judical robes, etc.

I mean, it's horribly disrespectful to both the trial participants as well as the legal system, but I have to imagine that being a mid-level trial judge gets pretty boring after a few years. You gotta figure a few judges just don't give a shit.
posted by GuyZero at 8:27 AM on June 29, 2006

But see, people, what you have to understand is that it's really not his bag. Baby. Yeah.
posted by malthas at 8:32 AM on June 29, 2006

And if I had read the title, I probably wouldn't have made that joke for the second time in this thread.
posted by malthas at 8:33 AM on June 29, 2006

The R-rated testimony has produced occasional outbursts of laughter and surreal scenes. A man who once served as a juror in Thompson's court testified that he never saw the device, but figured out what it was based on movies he had seen.

The comment sent sidelong glances through the courtroom.

"It sounded like a penis pump to me," Daniel Greenwood testified. He said he had seen such devices in "Austin Powers" and "Dead Man on Campus."

Riiiiiiight.
posted by brundlefly at 10:25 AM on June 29, 2006

No, really... that's not his bag, baby.
posted by squirrel at 10:40 AM on June 29, 2006

"It sounded like a penis pump to me," Daniel Greenwood testified. He said he had seen such devices in "Austin Powers" and "Dead Man on Campus."

How do you hear with your eyes?
posted by j-urb at 11:00 AM on June 29, 2006

I see what you're saying.
posted by sonofsamiam at 11:29 AM on June 29, 2006

That's how I say tongue twisters. I just look in the mirror and see what I say, and then I just say what I see.
posted by brundlefly at 11:33 AM on June 29, 2006

j-urb writes "How do you hear with your eyes?"

The movies have sound now. They call them "talkies", but the soundtrack includes incidental noises as well as talking.
posted by mr_roboto at 12:32 PM on June 29, 2006

Brandon Blatcher writes "7500 a month in pension?!"

Good retirement packages are pretty common in public service careers. It's seen as necessary compensation for someone who's giving up a potentially lucrative legal career in favor of working for the state.
posted by mr_roboto at 12:34 PM on June 29, 2006

This thread calls for some music. Someone should post a YSI link to Elvis Costello playing "Pump it Up". That would be the icing on the cake (as it were)
posted by trondant at 1:30 PM on June 29, 2006

Beat it
posted by caddis at 2:16 PM on June 29, 2006

Nothing to add here, but in my final year of high school my folks moved to a new house. The future owners wanted to store some of their stuff in our house before moving in so my parents let them. They mostly moved their boxes into the basement but they left a handful in the living room. I come home from school one day, open the front door, turn into the living room and there are all these boxes. Sitting upright and on top of one of the boxes is a clear plastic penis pump, tube and bulb draping over the front of the box. I never said anything, I don't think my parents knew what it was but I had to bite my tongue to keep from laughing the next time my mom was in the living room doing one of the final vacuuming and dustings in our old house.
posted by substrate at 7:20 PM on June 29, 2006

Dammit, I can't even figure out how to use the damn hand-operated penis pump I bought at the flea market a while back. I think maybe there's a piece missing; I know the manual wasn't included. For His Honor's community service maybe he should give free lessons.
posted by davy at 10:28 PM on June 29, 2006

Wow caddis, did Jacko used to have Negro blood?
posted by davy at 10:36 PM on June 29, 2006

Yes, and he even had a nose once. See: "When Plastic Surgery Goes Bad".
posted by IronLizard at 12:11 AM on June 30, 2006

Occasionally an attorney picks it up and squeezes the handle, demonstrating the "sh-sh" sound of air rushing through the contraption's plastic tubing.

"sh-sh" ...hur hur hur
posted by renraw at 1:12 AM on June 30, 2006

And people are always getting down on librarians for sh-shing people...
posted by QIbHom at 6:05 AM on July 3, 2006