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Born in a laboratory! Forged in pain! A thirst for blood...and rape!
July 12, 2006 1:30 PM   Subscribe

"he's making this ARRROOOOOOOOO noise...it's awesome." The story of Lance Bearworthy and the Ursine Shaft of Doom.
posted by ryoshu (30 comments total) 1 user marked this as a favorite

 
urine shaft of doom?
posted by rxrfrx at 1:33 PM on July 12, 2006


this is dumb.
posted by Baby_Balrog at 1:38 PM on July 12, 2006


"Shit, I meant Jews on a Train."

"...Schindler's List."

"What?"
posted by Zozo at 1:38 PM on July 12, 2006


The brilliant concept of bears that commit rape was pioneered years ago by The Onion. Doubleplus Jews on a train, though.
posted by grobstein at 1:49 PM on July 12, 2006


Please. Bear rape is so 1996.
posted by Squid Voltaire at 2:00 PM on July 12, 2006


Is this like when you leave Cheetos in your car at Yosemite and a bear rips open the sheetmetal to get at them?
posted by exogenous at 2:06 PM on July 12, 2006


Would the bear suit be effective against this creature?
posted by exogenous at 2:08 PM on July 12, 2006


Bears are the new bunnies are the new monkeys are the new pirates are the new ninjas are the new clowns are the new pimps are the new...
posted by ColdChef at 2:12 PM on July 12, 2006


You left out zombies, ColdChef.
posted by brundlefly at 2:15 PM on July 12, 2006


Zombies. Damn.
posted by ColdChef at 2:17 PM on July 12, 2006


I made a short with panda 'bears' having anal. Never been sure if panda 'bears' are really bears though. I mean they seemed to like it a lot, the anal I mean. And I always thought real bears wouldn't touch bamboo. Since I turned 3 I've stopped eating panda 'bears', they have chlamydia in epic proportions eww. Sexed up bastards.
posted by econous at 2:19 PM on July 12, 2006


I suppose it's a good thing that no haiku were involved in this post.
posted by mr_crash_davis at 2:23 PM on July 12, 2006


I can't breathe. I can't breathe.

That said, they're totally going to make a movie out of this. It'll be a sequel to some stupid shit about snakes and planes or some shit. RapeBear on a Snakeskin Rug? Snake Rape on a Bear? PirateBear Rape on a Planesnake? Zombie Snake Pirate Monkey Rape on a Bunny?

Ninja Bear Plane Rape Bunny Snake Bear Zombie Monkey Plane Piratecock Zombie Snake Rape Bear Shit Woods Rape Ninja Snake on a Pirate Motherfuckin' Bear Oh Fuck It Just Fuck Off Already Here's 120 Fucking Minutes Of Samuel Jackson Cussing Like a Crab Infested Drunken Sea Wench.
posted by loquacious at 2:32 PM on July 12, 2006 [1 favorite]


Is this your blog? becuase it's not really very funny.
posted by Artw at 2:34 PM on July 12, 2006


Considering the mention of Chiroraptor in a later post, I think it's safe to say we know where the SciFi channel gets its writers.
posted by ryoshu at 2:35 PM on July 12, 2006


ColdChef : Zombies. Damn.

I find that is my typical response as well.
posted by quin at 3:22 PM on July 12, 2006


Wow, that was terrifically unfunny. Brutal, even. Amazingly, it doesn't appear to be a self link.
posted by dobbs at 3:24 PM on July 12, 2006


It's funnier with pandas.
posted by unmake at 3:34 PM on July 12, 2006


I thought it was very funny, but perhaps you have to have some experience with reading bad screenplays and screenwriting in general to find it funny.

In fact, that whole blog is pretty funny if you're into screenwriting, parodies of Variety-style jargon and all.
posted by Joakim Ziegler at 3:41 PM on July 12, 2006


Yeah, I like the "Hollywood jargon" posts a lot more than this one....
posted by brundlefly at 3:45 PM on July 12, 2006


In fact, that whole blog is pretty funny if you're into screenwriting

I really think this is evidence of why the screenwriting community is so lame.
posted by pokermonk at 3:51 PM on July 12, 2006


I enjoyed it and I've never writen a screenplay. Read a few, including a few really bad ones but never written one.
posted by Megafly at 4:46 PM on July 12, 2006


Well that is what happens when you don't let the bear masturbate.
posted by weretable and the undead chairs at 5:10 PM on July 12, 2006


No, it's not funny. I don't think any special screenwriters knowledge is necessary, it just fails to work on a comedic. It's irreverant wackyness fails to be sufficiently irreverent or whacky and so it ends up just being naff. And it's someones fucking blog. And a cafe press link. It's an advert for fucks sake, have you people no shame?
posted by Artw at 5:25 PM on July 12, 2006


This reads like some awful attempt (and failure) to emulate McSweeney's. And McSweeney's isn't even consistently good (although it does have its gems).
posted by kdar at 5:48 PM on July 12, 2006


I thought it was pretty funny. Then again I've been accused many a time of having a sense of humor.
posted by clevershark at 6:44 PM on July 12, 2006 [1 favorite]


urine shaft of doom?

hee hee....
posted by spilon at 9:28 PM on July 12, 2006


I likewise did not find it funny. But it must be because I am a playwright, not a screenwriter. I improve all my movies.
posted by Astro Zombie at 9:36 PM on July 12, 2006


How To Kill A Bear With Your Feet
posted by homunculus at 10:24 PM on July 12, 2006


My dog makes an ARRROOOOOOOOO noise...it's awesome.
posted by Robert Angelo at 9:57 AM on July 13, 2006


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