No rest for the dead...

August 8, 2006 1:51 AM

My post-mortem to-do checklist, so far: 1. Study marine biology. 2. Accessorize my hot, wealthy widow. 3. Relay a few spooky telegrams to my spooky new friends. 4. Try to look as suspicious as possible. And that's even before rigor mortis sets in!
posted by Blazecock Pileon (37 comments total)

Getting the terminally ill to memorise messages to pass on is a nice touch.
posted by rhymer at 2:16 AM on August 8, 2006

Nice post. Loved the telegrams.
posted by b33j at 2:37 AM on August 8, 2006

You know, people are just creepy.
posted by -t at 2:44 AM on August 8, 2006

Someone, somewhere will be sending a mass telegram to the dead that simply states: "Baba Booey".
posted by Operation Afterglow at 2:49 AM on August 8, 2006

Accessorize my hot, wealthy widow made me think of this. Ever since moving to the UK, I've found their advertising somehow disturbing.
posted by String at 3:27 AM on August 8, 2006

That afterlife telegrams thing isn't real, right? Please? It can't be.
posted by slimepuppy at 3:30 AM on August 8, 2006

you could also get plastinated and put into a museum.
posted by cubby at 4:14 AM on August 8, 2006

Or, as Mary Roach describes in Stiff, you could also get composted.
posted by micketymoc at 4:31 AM on August 8, 2006

you could also get composted.

That's the one for me. Compost me and add me to the garden. When my family and friends bury me, I want them to know I will be the flowers at their funerals.
posted by pracowity at 4:46 AM on August 8, 2006

Interesting post.

Now I'm wondering, though, where's the comment(s) from The Ghost of Ken Lay? I mean, he's supposed to really know about this kinda stuff, right?
posted by flapjax at midnite at 4:46 AM on August 8, 2006

"But please don't bury me
down in that cold cold ground
no I'd rather have 'em cut me up
and pass me all around"

-John Prine
posted by flapjax at midnite at 4:54 AM on August 8, 2006

When my family and friends bury me, I want them to know I will be the flowers at their funerals.

There are a few difficulties inherent in the process - among others, the need to be chopped up into bitty pieces, which might not go down well with most families.
posted by micketymoc at 4:57 AM on August 8, 2006

"There are a few difficulties inherent in the process - among others, the need to be chopped up into bitty pieces, which might not go down well with most families"

Apparently no problem for John Prine. (See above)
posted by flapjax at midnite at 5:01 AM on August 8, 2006

This thread ain't goin' nowhere until The Ghost of Ken Lay weighs in.
posted by briank at 5:11 AM on August 8, 2006

"This thread ain't goin' nowhere until The Ghost of Ken Lay weighs in"

Hey! I said that already. Basically. (See above the above)
posted by flapjax at midnite at 5:16 AM on August 8, 2006

"This thread ain't goin' nowhere until The Ghost of Ken Lay weighs in"

Hey! I said that already. Basically. (See above the above)
posted by flapjax at midnite at 5:18 AM on August 8, 2006

There are a few difficulties inherent in the process - among others, the need to be chopped up into bitty pieces, which might not go down well with most families.

That's what they do -- freeze you, then break you up into little bitty bits, but still decomposable people bits, not ashes.
posted by pracowity at 5:18 AM on August 8, 2006

"That's what they do -- freeze you, then break you up into little bitty bits, but still decomposable people bits

Perfect for John Prine.
posted by flapjax at midnite at 5:20 AM on August 8, 2006

My mother's buddy/former (due to a divorce) sister-in-law sends her flowers every year on her birthday. Never mind that my mother's ashes are in a box up in my father's spare bedroom. My father rolls his eyes and sticks the flowers by the box every year.
posted by bim at 5:39 AM on August 8, 2006

It's the Body Farm for me. Second only to having my bereaved ancestors throw me into a bitch to rot.
posted by quite unimportant at 5:41 AM on August 8, 2006

ditch! I meant ditch!
posted by quite unimportant at 5:42 AM on August 8, 2006

A splendidly morbid post.
posted by ob at 5:45 AM on August 8, 2006

"throw me into a bitch to rot"

Way Freudian typo, dude.

I don't think that'd work for John Prine, though...
posted by flapjax at midnite at 5:48 AM on August 8, 2006

where's the comment(s) from The Ghost of Ken Lay?

Sorry for the delay gents, but we just got the Lindsay Lohan bikini video here in hell so things are a bit slow. Damned DSL.

Needless to say the bossman has a special place for the afterlife telegram people. Sometimes we round them up and listen to their hilarious and sappy messages like "Uncle Jimmy loves you" or "Daddy still misses you, angel." That's an easy way to waste three or four hours. At five dollars per word, John D. Rockefeller is kicking himself for not thinking of this first.
posted by the ghost of Ken Lay at 5:50 AM on August 8, 2006

Hey, I wonder what John Prine thinks of this? Anybody know?
posted by equalpants at 6:18 AM on August 8, 2006

My brother used to like to point out that cremation (while marginally more eco-friendly than embalming) destroyed a lot of nutrients that would be really useful to plants and soil organisms. He told us all years ago that he wants to be put into a pine box and have a tree planted on top of him.
posted by lodurr at 6:20 AM on August 8, 2006

This was so great -- thanks, Blazecock. But why oh why did I watch the autopsy videos??!! I'll never be able to carve the turkey again. (And no, that's not a euphemism.)
posted by rough at 6:22 AM on August 8, 2006

-Who are the terminally ill messengers? Can I meet them?

-No. At this time we have only one messenger. She/He wishes to remain anonymous.

Wow, I hope she/he is going to be able to remember all the messages! But, hey, what a great way to pay the medical bills...
posted by equalpants at 6:33 AM on August 8, 2006

"Hey, I wonder what John Prine thinks of this? Anybody know?"

Well, he's on record as saying "Give my knees to the needy", and I think that sums it up pretty nicely.
posted by flapjax at midnite at 6:53 AM on August 8, 2006

I'll settle for just making prank phone calls from beyond the grave.
posted by ninjew at 7:52 AM on August 8, 2006

I rather fancy the online cemetery. It seems a tad empty, though. No one except Federov and a former truck driver named Cox for company. And the Jewish star headstone turns into a cross when you click on it (afterlife conversion?). Still, for $3, it is quite the bargain (free if you're willing to answer a questionnaire).

A pet cemetery site could be cool, too. I know the perfect theme song...
posted by pips at 10:11 AM on August 8, 2006

When I'm gone, I want my carbon worked into this ring design so future generations can roll their eyes at my internet obsession.
posted by maryh at 10:48 AM on August 8, 2006

I like the idea of being freeze dried in my street cloths and buried in a sealed plastic bin somewhere future generations and find the mummy and use me to learn about 21st century America
posted by Megafly at 11:11 AM on August 8, 2006

future generations *can* find
posted by Megafly at 11:18 AM on August 8, 2006

I like the idea of being freeze dried in my street cloths and buried in a sealed plastic bin somewhere future generations and find the mummy and use me to learn about 21st century America
posted by Megafly

No, all they'll really need to learn about 21st century Amerika is YouTube. It's all there.
posted by ninjew at 11:25 AM on August 8, 2006

That ev'n my buried Ashes such a snare
Of Vintage shall fling up into the Air
As not a True-believer passing by
But shall be overtaken unaware.
posted by gurple at 2:40 PM on August 8, 2006

(from the Rubaiyat)
posted by gurple at 2:41 PM on August 8, 2006