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Witnesses also reported seeing paramedics carrying a bag of severed fingers out of the apartment.
August 11, 2006 11:28 AM   Subscribe

"I heard the hammer cock," John said. Let's say somebody breaks into your apartment at gunpoint. Let's say that they seem likely to kill you or your roommate. Let's say you happen to have a samurai sword on hand. Here's what it looks like when you're done. (Caution: Blood pretty much everywhere.)
posted by Astro Zombie (70 comments total) 9 users marked this as a favorite

 

posted by mr_crash_davis at 11:37 AM on August 11, 2006


hmm... well that certainly is reminiscent of the time one of my friends hit the other in the elbow with a samurai sword. Lacerated down to the bone, required stitches but not too much else. It, too, was drunken lunacy.

[derail ahead] To get a good idea of the kind of person i'm often surrounded with, let's look at the most recent criminal activity... oh, hello lindsay. Woops.

I wonder what the charge is for this attack, and if it's more or less than what they're being charged with for breaking into the old Tiger's Stadium.
posted by phylum sinter at 11:42 AM on August 11, 2006


When south Minneapolis be rollin, they be rollin hard.
posted by robocop is bleeding at 11:42 AM on August 11, 2006


Damn straight.
posted by Astro Zombie at 11:43 AM on August 11, 2006


A few years back my wife and I were talking an evening walk and someone came up to us who was clearly shaken and seemed a little disturbed. He started asking me what I would do if someone came after me with a sword and I had to kill them. I told my wife to keep walking and I yelled back to the guy to call the police. It was fucking WEIRD.
posted by skrike at 11:44 AM on August 11, 2006 [1 favorite]


Can you defeat the force of my Wu-Tang style?
posted by rocketman at 11:44 AM on August 11, 2006


Quentin Tarantino's dream come true!
posted by sonofsamiam at 11:45 AM on August 11, 2006


"The two men felt they needed to take action, and they did. ... Fortunately, the victims were not badly hurt."

Fortunately? The robbers were not badly hurt?

I love this.
posted by Methylviolet at 11:45 AM on August 11, 2006


"I heard another guy coming from behind, and I pulled the [first attacker] in front of me and poked at the other guy with the sword."

Which expletive was replaced here? I'm assuming it must have been an expletive; I probably would have said "motherfucker."
posted by uncleozzy at 11:45 AM on August 11, 2006


Don't f*ck with Minnesotans, dude!
posted by Mental Wimp at 11:46 AM on August 11, 2006


This is the greatest story I've read all day.
posted by Uther Bentrazor at 11:46 AM on August 11, 2006


Hiro Protagonist he was not, buts that basically the best break in (attempt) story ever.
posted by fidgets at 11:47 AM on August 11, 2006


Methylviolet, I'm pretty sure victims refers to the 2 people who were in the home originally, not the 4 attackers. Loosing multiple fingers is "badly hurt" in my book.
posted by nomisxid at 11:48 AM on August 11, 2006


buts that should read *but that's*
posted by fidgets at 11:48 AM on August 11, 2006


"The two men felt they needed to take action, and they did. ... Fortunately, the victims were not badly hurt."

Fortunately? The robbers were not badly hurt?


The victims being the two men who lived there.
posted by DieHipsterDie at 11:49 AM on August 11, 2006


pirates shouldn't break into a ninjas apartment...
posted by Jeremy at 11:49 AM on August 11, 2006



posted by team lowkey at 11:50 AM on August 11, 2006


So, was the apartment picked at random? Why not go after a place on the 2nd floor?

And never open your door to a stranger at 3 AM.
posted by DieHipsterDie at 11:50 AM on August 11, 2006


Let's say somebody breaks into your apartment at gunpoint.
I think you get robbed at gunpoint. I don't think you rob at gunpoint. Unless someone put a gun to his head and made him break into the apartment.
posted by notmydesk at 11:51 AM on August 11, 2006


Let's just say I'm shopping for samurai swords right now.
posted by Astro Zombie at 11:52 AM on August 11, 2006


Oh good -- I was worried.

"Unfortunately, the robbers were not completely frappe-d"
posted by Methylviolet at 11:53 AM on August 11, 2006


My Hanwei Practical Katana was only $150, and is a nice fully-functional weapon (not a "wall-hanger" display sword). Highly recommended.
posted by mrbill at 11:55 AM on August 11, 2006


There have been a lot of fucked up news stories in Minnesota lately.
posted by graventy at 11:57 AM on August 11, 2006


I wonder what the hammer cock looks like?
posted by marxchivist at 12:02 PM on August 11, 2006


As you know, you have to go to war with the weapons you have, not the weapons you want.
posted by jellicle at 12:03 PM on August 11, 2006


"He is just a regular guy with a powerful golf swing."

I don't doubt that helped.
posted by Zozo at 12:03 PM on August 11, 2006



posted by riotgrrl69 at 12:05 PM on August 11, 2006 [1 favorite]


Is it legal there to have a sword? I mean one that's still sharp, you know...I thought anything much longer than a steak knife was verboten.
posted by stinkycheese at 12:09 PM on August 11, 2006


I always thought you should never bring a sword to a gunfight.
posted by wendell at 12:15 PM on August 11, 2006 [1 favorite]


Izo
posted by matteo at 12:17 PM on August 11, 2006


The victims are fortunate one of these wasn't in play.
posted by rotifer at 12:20 PM on August 11, 2006


Is it legal there to have a sword? I mean one that's still sharp, you know...I thought anything much longer than a steak knife was verboten.

It's America, dude. Not the UK.
posted by c13 at 12:32 PM on August 11, 2006


Is it legal there to have a sword? I mean one that's still sharp, you know...I thought anything much longer than a steak knife was verboten.

Yep, it's legal. There is no restriction on the length of blade you can carry here. Of course, it all depends on what you're doing with it...
posted by Demogorgon at 12:33 PM on August 11, 2006


Like I need a sword fight to drink in the morning.
posted by jon_kill at 12:36 PM on August 11, 2006


One of the most thoughtful gifts I've ever been given is an East German entrenching tool. Not like the US government-issue wussy little sheet-metal stuff, this sucker's got folding drop-forged steel pick and shovel heads, lovingly sharpened -- you can split coconuts and cut saplnigs with this thing; it weighs about nine septum-crushing, tiibia-splintering pounds.

A Vietnam-era Special Forces tomahawk and a Spetsnax throwing shovel are really fun to play with too.
posted by pax digita at 12:43 PM on August 11, 2006


Poor guy... he gave a full-power whack and all he got for it was a couple fingers. I'd have to call do-overs and see if I could get a higher score, like a forearm or somethin'.
posted by CodeBaloo at 12:45 PM on August 11, 2006


Pulled the sword out of the sheath as he was being dropped on his head....

....add skattering doves and you've got some John Woo.
posted by cowbellemoo at 1:17 PM on August 11, 2006


there are SO many great quotes in this article, I can't even pick a favorite...just the whole damned thing is so....great...


Ok, this might be it

"I heard another guy coming from behind, and I pulled the [first attacker] in front of me and poked at the other guy with the sword."


Hell yes. textbook handling of multiple attackers. that is teh awesome
posted by das_2099 at 1:30 PM on August 11, 2006


So they left empty handed?
posted by hal9k at 1:30 PM on August 11, 2006


Holy shit... I moved out of that building about a year ago. That's 3142 Lyndale Ave S., the first brownstone north of Pizza Luce.

I am so glad I moved to St. Paul
posted by nathan_teske at 1:31 PM on August 11, 2006


they left empty handed?

Wahey!
posted by CynicalKnight at 1:35 PM on August 11, 2006


Ok, this is crazy, but when I lived in Plymouth (suburb of Minneapolis) a guy I worked with got a couple of his fingers chopped off with a sword.

I am so glad I moved to St. Paul

I'm so glad I moved to Seattle.
posted by squidlarkin at 1:39 PM on August 11, 2006


I always thought you should never bring a sword to a gunfight.

Swords, and blades in particular, are GREAT at close quarter against guns. That's CLOSE quarter. It is why our soldiers still carry knives and why cops practice Tueller Drills and rolling to their backs while firing to create space.

And you don't need much martial training with a sword to fuck people up. Who don't have swords.

There is a reason swords were the weapons of choice for thousands of years. Even AFTER firearms were wide spread.
posted by tkchrist at 1:40 PM on August 11, 2006


Caught red handed!
posted by ob at 1:41 PM on August 11, 2006


Sorry about that. A stupendous story and this thread keeps on getting better!
posted by ob at 1:42 PM on August 11, 2006


I think it's a little odd/weird/sketchy that they went into that particular apartment and the guys let them in at 3am though...
posted by ob at 1:43 PM on August 11, 2006


I really should have made more of an effort to meet my neighbors. Especially when they command Real Ultimate Power.
posted by nathan_teske at 1:48 PM on August 11, 2006


Plus - it sucks the fight right out of a guy when he hears the SHIIING of long steel being drawn and sees you swinging at his fleshy parts.

Only an idiot stands their ground empty handed and fights a guy with a frigg'n sword or knife. And these burglar guys were clearly idiots.

Rule #7; Guy pulls out sword. Run the fuck away.
posted by tkchrist at 1:48 PM on August 11, 2006


I think it's a little odd/weird/sketchy that they went into that particular apartment and the guys let them in at 3am though...

I thought that too.

Either it's a fake story of maybe they were expecing a delivery of something special. Hmmmm.
posted by tkchrist at 1:49 PM on August 11, 2006


Woo-hoo for home defense!
posted by scaryblackdeath at 1:55 PM on August 11, 2006


My wife and I lived in that neighborhood for years, and this doesn't surprise me a bit.

We used to be able to see dope deals going down from our second-story apartment. No one cared. We got used to the sirens.

A couple of years after we moved in, a harmless, decades-in-the-neighborhood, credit-if-he knows-you-and-you-need-it corner grocery owner was executed for less than $20.

Not long after, a guy got knifed to death on the sidewalk in front of our apartment building. We got calls from both sets of our parents that day offering to pay our moving expenses.

I'm so glad I moved to Seattle.

Me too.
posted by Clave at 2:02 PM on August 11, 2006


This sort of thing makes me so glad I am taking iaido...and here I thought it had no practical application!
posted by kaseijin at 2:09 PM on August 11, 2006


What Clave said about that neighborhood is still true: it's gentrified but not that gentrified. I just called an ex-girlfriend who also lived in that building. She reminded me that she once saw two kids pull guns on each other in the back alley.
posted by nathan_teske at 2:10 PM on August 11, 2006


"He killed me Mal! With a sword! How freaky is that?"
posted by Standeck at 2:40 PM on August 11, 2006


This reminds me of a similar, albeit less dramatic anecdote. Once, when I was in college, two goons decided to break into my friend's apartment. So, around 3 AM, they broke down his apartment door, ran into his bedroom, and jumped him while he was sleeping. He dragged the two guys out into the kitchen, then grabbed a butter knife out of the sink and proceeded to stab them with it until they left.

So, just like this story, except, no gun, and substitute a butter knife for a samurai sword.
posted by MrZero at 3:00 PM on August 11, 2006


People have, on occasion, asked me if the reason I have so many guns is for home defense. No, I always reply. The guns are for entertainment. I just like the mechanics of them. If someone breaks into my house, the first thing I'm going to grab is my Zulu Assegai (number 1 in the graphic).

My logic is this: if a burglar breaks in and sees or hears someone with a gun, they will think to themselves; 'this is someone who is afraid of being robbed.' However, if that same burglar sees someone coming at them with a fucking Zulu spear, his thoughts are going to lean more towards the 'Oh crap, oh crap, oh crap, this is someone who has been itching to use that thing since he got it...'

At least this is what I explain to people when they ask me why I have a damn spear.

/Has good locks, dogs who like to bark.
//Sincerely hopes no one ever tries breaking in.

///Checks edge on spear just in case.
posted by quin at 3:11 PM on August 11, 2006 [5 favorites]


Poor guy... he gave a full-power whack and all he got for it was a couple fingers. I'd have to call do-overs and see if I could get a higher score, like a forearm or somethin'.

If it was only a decorative sword, it probably didn't have that much edge on it. But as that line did say,

"He is just a regular guy with a powerful golf swing."

Owch. Time to get my Golf Ninja Home Insurance.
posted by Jilder at 3:18 PM on August 11, 2006


>"He is just a regular guy with a powerful golf swing."
Owch. Time to get my Golf Ninja Home Insurance.


Just because: Ninja Golf!
posted by PsychoKick at 3:41 PM on August 11, 2006


"Just kill the one with the sword first."

"Ah," Reagan says, raising his waxed and penciled eyebrows, and cocking his pompadour in Shaftoe’s direction. "Smarrrt —you target them because they’re the officers, right?"

"No, fuckhead!" Shaftoe yells. "You kill ’em because they’ve got fucking swords! You ever had anyone running at you waving a fucking sword?"
posted by TungstenChef at 4:07 PM on August 11, 2006 [1 favorite]


"There can be only one."
posted by banshee at 4:45 PM on August 11, 2006


There is no restriction on the length of blade you can carry here.

Actually, some places in the US do restrict the length of a blade you can carry, or carry concealed, but I don't think anyone restricts the length of a knife you can have in your own home.
posted by IshmaelGraves at 5:37 PM on August 11, 2006


'Oh crap, oh crap, oh crap, this is someone who has been itching to use that thing since he got it...'

Oh yeah!
posted by malaprohibita at 6:17 PM on August 11, 2006


Ok, my samurai sword goes under my fucking bed from now on.
posted by geekhorde at 10:00 PM on August 11, 2006


Mara Salvatrucha (MS-13) has been using machetes. Newspapers report on that fact like it's some sort of new horror. I've been wondering why the more violent and/or poorer gangs haven't been making full use of them. Cheap, easy to get ahold of. Etc. On the plus side, you whip out - or better still slowly unsheath - a katana against a guy holding a machete - that makes a whole different kind of statement. Even if you swing like you're on the back nine.
posted by Smedleyman at 10:25 PM on August 11, 2006


/did I mention hammer cock was my porn film name?
posted by Smedleyman at 10:27 PM on August 11, 2006


Ok, my samurai sword goes under my fucking bed from now on.

Meh. Hang it on the wall next to your bed. Decorative and useful!

Interesting story where the victims got lucky. The clear lesson is that we need to have a knife/sword amnesty where dangerous apartment dwellers can turn in their weapons.
posted by ryoshu at 12:12 AM on August 12, 2006


my friend's room mate is into anime and shit like that and as a consequence has several "samurai" swords just laying around the house. I make fun of him a lot, but perhaps I won't anymore.
posted by mcsweetie at 7:39 AM on August 12, 2006


When I was younger, I always wondered if I could fend off intruders with my sword. I don't think I'd take a sword to a gun fight, though.
posted by blendor at 8:57 AM on August 12, 2006


There is a reason swords were the weapons of choice for thousands of years. Even AFTER firearms were wide spread.

Yes. That reason is non-repeating firearms. Once rapid fire weapons became the norm the sword comes a very, very distant second. Bayonet charges obviously still happen but I'd really rather have a firearm than a blade for protection.
posted by longbaugh at 9:10 AM on August 12, 2006


Once rapid fire weapons became the norm the sword comes a very, very distant second.

Bayonet charges I would not include as a "Close Quarter" strategy. As Shaftoe said "Banzai charges don't fucking work."

Though my old man knew a guy in 'Nam who killed over a dozen dudes with his side arm, bolo, and entrenchment tool. At night. After being dropped accidentally in the middle of a NVA company bivouac. His rifle had snagged as the chopper took fire and he was dumped without it. So. He DID charge straight into them. Though I don't think he had many other options at that point.
posted by tkchrist at 5:04 PM on August 13, 2006 [1 favorite]


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