A burger with everything

August 24, 2006 8:59 AM

Make me one with everythingOne man and his attempt to eat a GINORMOUS FULLY LOADED 5 pound burger with 54 toppings......in under 30 minutes.
posted by ColdChef (60 comments total)

The full list of toppings:
Cheeses
Danish Blue Cheese
Greek Feta
Gruyere
Jalapeno Jack
Herb Goat Cheese Spread
Horseradish Cheedar
Imported Swiss
Sharp Provolone
Tillamook Cheddar
Yellow American

Toppings
Bermuda Red Onion
Black Olives
Carrot Strings
Dill Pickle Chips
Dried Cranberries
Grilled Onions
Grilled Pineapple
Hard Boiled Eggs
Jalapenos
Lettuce Blend
Mixed Baby Greens
Roasted Chiles
Roasted Corn & Black Bean Salsa
Roasted Red Peppers
Scallions
Spicy Pepperoncinis
Sprouts
Tomatoes
Avocado
Sauteed Mushrooms
Sun Dried Tomatoes
Fried Egg
Chili
Black Forest Ham
Honey Cured Bacon
Homemade Guacamole
Fried Onion Strings

Sauces
Apricot Sauce
Caramelized Onion Marmalade
Country Buttermilk Ranch
Dijon Balsamic Dressing
Ginger Soy Glaze
Honey Mustard
Horseradish Mayo
Mayonnaise
Peanut Sauce
Peppercorn Steak Sauce
Red Relish
Roasted Garlic Aioli
Russian Dressing
Southwest Caesar
Spicy Sour Cream
Sun Dried Tomato Vinaigrette
Sweet BBQ Sauce
posted by ColdChef at 9:01 AM on August 24, 2006

That's not really a burger, just a bowl of meat and stuff.
posted by jonmc at 9:02 AM on August 24, 2006

Oh man, that bowl of -whatever- just made me lose my appetite. Just in time for lunch.
posted by Dr-Baa at 9:03 AM on August 24, 2006

This is worse than the guys who burned the piano.
posted by jon_kill at 9:05 AM on August 24, 2006

I really don't like The Counter. I'm the only one, I know. But despite all their fancy toppings, the burgers just aren't very good, and frankly EVERYTHING I order there ends up seeming like this meal looked.
posted by jonson at 9:05 AM on August 24, 2006

That guy is going to make some proctologist very, very happy.
posted by beelzbubba at 9:10 AM on August 24, 2006

"Make me one with everything" -- wasn't that what V'ger was trying for?
posted by pax digita at 9:12 AM on August 24, 2006

...it's what the Buddhist said to the hot dog vendor.
posted by BitterOldPunk at 9:15 AM on August 24, 2006

Blech. I think I'll skip lunch today.
posted by Foosnark at 9:15 AM on August 24, 2006

There's a place around the corner from me that challenges you to eat a ten-pound burger in one hour -- it's $29.95, and if you can finish it, it's on the house. I don't know if that's a ten-pound patty, or if the whole burger, toppings and all, wieghs ten pounds. So $45 for a five-pounder seems kinda steep.

Another fun thing to do is to challenge a friend to drink a gallon of whole milk in an hour. Sounds easy, right? Try it. And have a mop and bucket handy.
posted by BitterOldPunk at 9:21 AM on August 24, 2006

I once tried to eat a #10 can of vanilla pudding for $100. I had two hours to finish it. I ate 3.5# in a half hour, and intended to take an hour break and eat the remaining 4# in the last half hour. This didn't occur because I think my pancreas went comatose. Burf.
posted by sciurus at 9:24 AM on August 24, 2006

posted by jimmythefish at 9:25 AM on August 24, 2006 [1 favorite]

Later, Tim will be beating a dog to death in a fit of wrath.
posted by boo_radley at 9:28 AM on August 24, 2006

Let's see. This could be a hamburger casserole for, oh, I dunno, maybe a dozen to fifteen healthy, active people? Assuming nobody's going to want second helpings?

Do people in other countries do this kind of "Y'all watch this" exhibitionistic binging, or is it just a United Statesian weirdness born, perhaps, of (too much?) prosperity and a belief that anything that might be possible is worth a try?
posted by pax digita at 9:29 AM on August 24, 2006

jimmythefish,
the fellow in your picture is really hindering himself by wearing that old style "full coverage" eatin' helmet. The newer helmets are made of light composite, reduce "bacon induced brain heat" and because the ears are uncovered "chew echo" is all but eliminated. The proper gear is essential.
posted by Divine_Wino at 9:34 AM on August 24, 2006 [2 favorites]

ColdChef, you had me at Danish Blue.
posted by OneOliveShort at 9:48 AM on August 24, 2006

Amateurs.
posted by mr_crash_davis at 9:50 AM on August 24, 2006

Yeah, that's a glass mayo-guard on there, too, attached with the old-style Chicago rivets which (boy did Kobayashi learn the hard way) can really clog up with non-nutritive varnishes in a hurry. The new resin shields are more resistant to wasabis, and are far lighter and more shatter-reistant.

And, what's with the white t-shirt? This ain't no Slider, and he ain't no Kumar. I also wonder about the Jenkins Underhand technique. I think he'd be better served to address with the Vosznovski and come from underneath.
posted by jimmythefish at 9:54 AM on August 24, 2006 [2 favorites]

I've always hated eating contests. Watching some slobs cram shit in their mouths as fast as possible, while millions of peoiple die of starvation around the globe. Seems like a truly 'American" sport in mentality.
Drinking contests on the other hand , I can get into those.
posted by Liquidwolf at 9:56 AM on August 24, 2006

Do people in other countries do this kind of "Y'all watch this" exhibitionistic binging, or is it just a United Statesian weirdness born, perhaps, of (too much?) prosperity and a belief that anything that might be possible is worth a try?

Kobayashi-san has an opinion, probably.
posted by kosem at 9:58 AM on August 24, 2006

Tony Randall could do it.

Ya know ... it it wasn't for that being dead thing ...
posted by RavinDave at 10:00 AM on August 24, 2006

kosem writes "Kobayashi-san has an opinion, probably."

Sure he's Japanese, but the vast majority -- nearly all, in fact -- of these contests take place in the USA, don't they?
posted by clevershark at 10:03 AM on August 24, 2006

The burger in the FPP was definitely unappealing but the one in mr_crash_davis's link has made me very hungry.
posted by effwerd at 10:08 AM on August 24, 2006

pax digita: "Let's see. This could be a hamburger casserole for, oh, I dunno, maybe a dozen to fifteen healthy, active people? Assuming nobody's going to want second helpings?

Do people in other countries do this kind of "Y'all watch this" exhibitionistic binging, or is it just a United Statesian weirdness born, perhaps, of (too much?) prosperity and a belief that anything that might be possible is worth a try?"

Fuck yeah! Awesome isn't it?
posted by KevinSkomsvold at 10:18 AM on August 24, 2006

Food Battle Club

Scene from Food Battle Club (video)

Sure it's American, but it's not uniquely American. The Japanese love their eating contests, too.
posted by kosem at 10:19 AM on August 24, 2006

And the conclusion was he... didn't finish it in time.

So, basically, this is an FPP about how some guy bought a shitload of food and failed to eat all of it.

Umm... thanks?
posted by XQUZYPHYR at 10:23 AM on August 24, 2006

i'm paraphrasing david cross here, but if this is what we do with our freedom then consider me a freedom hater.
posted by andywolf at 10:26 AM on August 24, 2006

Hey, mr_crash_davis, sharing sounds like cheating to me, although I like the shot of the guy cruciform on the floor from too much gigaburger.
posted by imperium at 10:27 AM on August 24, 2006

I'm amazed that they would pay $45.50 for what amounts to a bowl of condiments with a pound of meat in it.
posted by jenovus at 10:32 AM on August 24, 2006

The first thing I thought when I saw this headline was the old joke "What did the Buddha say to the hotdog vendor? Make me one with everything."
posted by phearlez at 10:43 AM on August 24, 2006

Which may be why he said it that way, you think?

But yeah, it would have been better if the guy had finished it. That'll teach him to eat a full meal before accepting a ridiculous eating dare.
posted by yhbc at 10:50 AM on August 24, 2006 [1 favorite]

Made me think of an old joke as well... "What's the last name a stupid redneck says before he dies? 'Hey y'all!! Watch this!"
posted by jeversol at 10:53 AM on August 24, 2006

Don't forget about Kate.

My future wife, although she doesn't know it yet.
posted by Cyrano at 10:56 AM on August 24, 2006

Amateurs
posted by PenDevil at 11:00 AM on August 24, 2006

Disgusting. A typical ColdChef posting: total disregard, brutal insensitivity, technical ineptness and a gross lack of anything worthwhile.

I blame America. At least in Europe we know how to eat and what to eat in order to keep our bums pert and bouncy. Not too thin, mind - you want a bit of meat on the cheeks if sexual attraction is important to you.


posted by MiguelCardoso at 11:39 AM on August 24, 2006

Now compare saucy, confident Barcelona Guy with his dejected and bemused American counterpart, Chaps Man:



Which of the two bums is the more pinch-beckoning, tweak-inviting and ultimately beddable?

I rest my arse.
posted by MiguelCardoso at 11:40 AM on August 24, 2006

Oops. Understandably difficult to pin down, this Barcelona Guy:


posted by MiguelCardoso at 11:49 AM on August 24, 2006

I think if this thread has taught us anything, it's that if you can make your meat appetizing enough, you don't need the best buns.
posted by ColdChef at 11:55 AM on August 24, 2006 [2 favorites]

Cranberries? Feta? On a burger? WTF?!
posted by Marla Singer at 11:59 AM on August 24, 2006

I think I see my gallbladder in there somewhere...
posted by pips at 12:06 PM on August 24, 2006

Miguel, if you might remove your Old World blinders for a moment, you'll see that B Man is a simple trollop, while Chaps is an untamable proud stallion. He has no need to engage us with wanton glances. He fully knows his alert posture and lush body hair are causing an outbreak of The Vapors behind him for blocks.
posted by maryh at 12:33 PM on August 24, 2006 [1 favorite]

clevershark writes "Sure he's Japanese, but the vast majority -- nearly all, in fact -- of these contests take place in the USA, don't they?"

It's my understanding that there are a ton of eating contests in East Asia. Here are some descriptions from Shanghai and Hong Kong, for instance.
posted by mr_roboto at 12:49 PM on August 24, 2006

Then there's my hometown's tourist trap: The Big Texan. Drive anywhere within 200 miles or so of Amarillo TX and you'll see their signs advertising a "FREE 72oz STEAK!!!!"

They give you an hour, and you have to eat the steak, the potato, a shrimp cocktail, and drink a 32oz drink. No one from Amarillo eats there, naturally, but my brother worked as a bartender there once. He says that the people who try are put on a table on a stage, and that the one time he saw anyone make the attempt he vomited all over the stage which wasn't exactly appetizing for the other customers.

I've never really understood the whole "eat a lot and get ill" thing, like binge drinking I just don't understand why you'd want to do something that you know is going to make you feel miserable.
posted by sotonohito at 12:51 PM on August 24, 2006

Er, I mean that the guy who tried to eat the steak vomited, not my brother. That sentence could have been better written.
posted by sotonohito at 12:52 PM on August 24, 2006

The "eat it all and get it free" is a different beast from binge drinking, entirely.

"eat is all and get it free" is your chance to get something for nothing. People love that shit, even if the value of what they're getting for free is less than the value of the time they spend completing the task.

"binge drinking" is your chance to get really right liquored up and finally bed the saucy filly whose dorm room is down the hall from yours.
posted by kfx at 1:32 PM on August 24, 2006

What a waste of really nice cheeses. And I'm not even that big a cheese fiend. Seeing that list of cheeses mixed together and tainted with the rest of those ingredients would send my girlfriend into a blood rage.

That said, I once watched a man drink a gallon of ranch dressing. His vomit was truely a thing to behold.
posted by lekvar at 2:16 PM on August 24, 2006

30 minutes? I wonder how long that burger will take to come out the other end.
posted by fandango_matt at 2:30 PM on August 24, 2006

Which of the two bums is the more pinch-beckoning, tweak-inviting and ultimately beddable?

Why should I have to choose, Miguel? Why can't I pinch, tweak, and bed them both?

And you can't even see that possibility, living as you do in tired old Communist Europe where even the bears are as rationed as health care and pudding.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 3:37 PM on August 24, 2006

Hrm. Anyone else now longing for the days when we used to long for the days when Migs used to post?
posted by hangashore at 3:49 PM on August 24, 2006

'If the meat is sitting just right,' says Fagone, 'a talented eater like Wingador can strip a blade with a single aggressive bite-and-pull motion, clamping down on the bone and bringing the full weight of the jaw to bear.' While he's eating, he sings a song to himself - always Pearl Jam's "Jeremy." Listening to El Wingador eat is like hearing 'the sound of earthworms writhing in a bait bucket.'
posted by cgc373 at 4:01 PM on August 24, 2006

It doesn't look that bad to me. Actually it looks delicious. It's just that there's so much of it. I don't understand how anyone would be put off their lunch by this.

It's not like the dude puked out his nose or anything.
posted by The Monkey at 6:27 PM on August 24, 2006

Now I'm hungry.
posted by mrbill at 8:47 PM on August 24, 2006

I went to The Counter tonight, inspired by this thread. My veggie burger was okay, but I used all the free toppings they let you have, which of course made it impossible to hold. The sweet potato fries were awesome.
posted by headlessagnew at 9:00 PM on August 24, 2006

posted by nlindstrom at 12:17 AM on August 25, 2006

A blog devoted to supersized meals
via Pendevil's link
posted by johnny novak at 4:02 AM on August 25, 2006

Why do American restaurants worship processed cheese? The stuff tastes like crap in every form imaginable, why can't they just real cheese for a change?
posted by Vindaloo at 6:02 AM on August 25, 2006

Real cheese costs more money, and it can't be kept indefinitely at room temperature. Not that that excuses the use of processed cheese, but its why they do it.
posted by sotonohito at 1:08 PM on August 25, 2006

Whoa to thee Vindaloo! Nonbeliever of Pan-Kraft-Cheesefoodism! Repent and give homage to our Slimy Gelatinous Master, so Lordly and Recumbent in his Orangey-Yellowishness! Repent I Say!!

Seriously that "burger" is disgusting
posted by French Fry at 2:53 PM on August 26, 2006

As I perused this thread, I was eating one of these. I fuckin' hate you fuckin' thin fuckers. If I attempted even sharing one of those burgers with four other people, I'd have a coronary and end up in a hospital. I'd get a hernia just picking it up. In my youth I coulda done it, but nowadays I look at a pic of Kate eating meat and I gain five pounds. It's not fair. Youth is wasted on young people.

And for those of you berating The American Way by saying this is excess and there's people starving elsewhere and blah blah blah blah blah, you suck too. I'm eating fuckin' lean cuisine over here and yogurt and mueslix. I haven't had a real hamburger in years. Yet I could still be used in a pool as a floatation device.

You all suck.
posted by ZachsMind at 3:52 PM on August 26, 2006

..but I loves ya anywayz. =)
posted by ZachsMind at 4:01 PM on August 26, 2006