Never Hug a Swiss Cow

August 29, 2006 11:47 AM

Keep your distance. Avoid eye contact. And even if it looks cute, never hug a Swiss cow. With helpful warning poster (PDF).
posted by mr_crash_davis (41 comments total)

Shit, I thought that was just common knowledge. There's only two reasons a cow exists -- to eat grass, and to kill you.
posted by Astro Zombie at 11:58 AM on August 29, 2006 [2 favorites]

That cow looks pretty, you know, mad.
posted by spacewrench at 11:59 AM on August 29, 2006

Gruezi to all my Swiss-German homies rep'in Z-town.
posted by bardic at 12:00 PM on August 29, 2006

Shit, I thought that was just common knowledge. There's only two reasons a cow exists -- to eat grass, and to kill you.
posted by Astro Zombie at 1:58 PM CST on August 29 [+] [!]

Neophyte. You forgot to tip over whilst they sleep and to burn down urban centers by kicking over lanterns.
posted by Ynoxas at 12:01 PM on August 29, 2006

Not even if they're laughing?


posted by blue_beetle at 12:01 PM on August 29, 2006

Das stimmt!
posted by Mayor Curley at 12:02 PM on August 29, 2006

We are talking about a country where every man of age has his army-issued assoult rifle at home.

What did you expect?
posted by uncle harold at 12:12 PM on August 29, 2006

Especially if they're laughing, b_b. That victory laugh comes when they know they have you cornered.
posted by beaucoupkevin at 12:12 PM on August 29, 2006

Is it OK to hug cows of other nationalities?
posted by Cranberry at 12:13 PM on August 29, 2006

If you're desperate to play with Swiss cows, rent one.
posted by zennie at 12:14 PM on August 29, 2006

So much for those "happy cow" commercials...
posted by thouy1976 at 12:17 PM on August 29, 2006

Cows are the new bears.
posted by maryh at 12:17 PM on August 29, 2006

I'm telling you, they'll cut you quick as look as you. They'll kill you six ways to Sunday.
posted by Astro Zombie at 12:17 PM on August 29, 2006

Based on the pdf, it appears the real problem is that some hikers are bringing two separate wives with them out onto the trails - one with a pony tail, one with short hair. Perhaps swiss cows are simply hyper-sensitive to bigamy, and are fed up with it?
posted by yhbc at 12:19 PM on August 29, 2006

"Given the chance, that cow would eat you and everyone you care about!" -Troy McClure, whom you might remember from such nature films as 'Earwigs: Ewwww' and 'Man vs. Nature: The Road to Victory'.
posted by clevershark at 12:35 PM on August 29, 2006

"But dogs attract cow trouble, he warned."

That's the best sentence I've ever read.
posted by jefbla at 12:37 PM on August 29, 2006

Why rent a cow when you can get the milk for free?
posted by GrammarMoses at 12:39 PM on August 29, 2006

Problematic Scenario 1:

Cow: *ruminate*
Tourist: Hey, a cow! I THINK I'LL YELL REALLY LOUDLY TO MAKE IT LOOK!
Cow: wtf?
Tourist: Aw, it's moving away every time we get closer. Let's sneak up behind it!
Cow: *ruminate*
Tourist: Yes! We're right behind it! Let's pet it!
Cow: *COW-KICK!*
Tourist: AHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

Problematic Scenario 2:

Cow: *ruminate*
Tourist: Hey, a cow and a calf on my path! But the cow has horns! It's a BULL! DANGER! DANGER!
Cow: wtf?
Tourist: I could go around, but instead I'll scare it off with my stick!
Cow: *CHARGE!*
Tourist: AHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!
posted by zennie at 12:40 PM on August 29, 2006

Next on Fox: When Animals Attack Magicians.
posted by ninjew at 12:46 PM on August 29, 2006

Coupla things...

First, cows have NO horns - this is a bull.

Plus more trouble for hikers...did Deja fuck this bull too?
posted by sfts2 at 12:47 PM on August 29, 2006

posted by randomination at 12:50 PM on August 29, 2006

I parsed zennie's that with the thinking definition of ruminate rather than the more obvious cud-chewing one.
posted by danb at 12:50 PM on August 29, 2006

that = comment
posted by danb at 12:51 PM on August 29, 2006

Actually, looking at that sign I just posted, that cow has got horns and mammaries.

Hermaphrodite bovine! RUN!!!
posted by randomination at 12:56 PM on August 29, 2006

Plenty of cows have horns.
posted by the cuban at 1:06 PM on August 29, 2006

as the cuban said.
posted by bitdamaged at 1:10 PM on August 29, 2006

Those cows are eating the wrong grass.
posted by Skygazer at 1:20 PM on August 29, 2006

Wow, Skygazer, think of the awesome shakes one could make from the milk from those Russian cows!
posted by Wylie Kyoto at 1:25 PM on August 29, 2006

...is this cow's name Uncle John?
posted by allkindsoftime at 1:34 PM on August 29, 2006

...is this cow's name Uncle John?
posted by allkindsoftime at 1:34 PM on August 29, 2006

Actually, looking at that sign I just posted, that cow has got horns and mammaries.

Hermaphrodite bovine! RUN!!!

*shakes head*
City kid.
posted by Floydd at 1:43 PM on August 29, 2006

I've also learned that you should never roller skate in a bufallo herd.
posted by Astro Zombie at 2:00 PM on August 29, 2006

Swiss cows, eh? Can I stick my arm into their holes?
posted by idontlikewords at 2:20 PM on August 29, 2006

Wow, Skygazer, think of the awesome shakes one could make from the milk from those Russian cows!
posted by Wylie Kyoto 52 minutes ago

Moo-rijuana shakes!

*Hasty exit. Stage left*
posted by Skygazer at 2:24 PM on August 29, 2006

Honi soit la vache qui rit
posted by Joeforking at 2:54 PM on August 29, 2006 [1 favorite]

That poster is AWESOME. I'm printing that out and using it for all my upcoming birthday card needs.
posted by GuyZero at 3:19 PM on August 29, 2006

Stupid humans. If everybody who walked up to me tried to tip me over, I'd be cranky too.

Love that poster.
posted by onlyconnect at 4:18 PM on August 29, 2006

This doesn't surprise me. I keep my distance - a lot of cows are really pissed off.
posted by madamjujujive at 5:37 PM on August 29, 2006

Is it ok to hug a scottish cow? They're much cuter anyway.
posted by illovich at 7:31 AM on August 30, 2006

Scottish cows have post-punk hair. How chic.
posted by Skygazer at 11:01 AM on August 30, 2006

It's worse than I thought. They are even right in their own homes.
posted by madamjujujive at 6:30 PM on August 30, 2006