Two-Dimensional Parents
August 31, 2006 9:22 AM   Subscribe

Kids, was your Mom or Dad sent to Iraq? Need some help coping with the separation anxiety? Never fear, it's the Maine National Guard to the rescue!
posted by mr_crash_davis (53 comments total) 3 users marked this as a favorite

 
*jawdrop*
posted by raedyn at 9:26 AM on August 31, 2006


That's fucking priceless.
posted by Peter H at 9:27 AM on August 31, 2006


I'm still praying this is really a parody from The Onion -- and I agree completely with that first tag.
posted by eriko at 9:28 AM on August 31, 2006


It's a joke, right? Please?
posted by leapingsheep at 9:29 AM on August 31, 2006


This is a joke right? Where's my calendar? It doesn't seem like April 1...
posted by Slarty Bartfast at 9:29 AM on August 31, 2006


Coming soon from the makers of Flat Daddy: RealDad!
posted by hifiparasol at 9:30 AM on August 31, 2006


"Randall has little to say because he’s a ‘‘Flat Daddy,’’ a two-dimensional foam board likeness from the waist up of the Maine Army National Guard officer from Hermon" ...

So not only are they flattened but they're ALSO chopped in half. Is that preparing you for dad's return, too?
posted by Peter H at 9:32 AM on August 31, 2006


I wonder if any kid in Maine has a dead father with a "Flat Daddy" to replace him.
posted by Slarty Bartfast at 9:32 AM on August 31, 2006


Did anyone else think of that scene in Home Alone where Macauley Culkin uses the boad people to make it look like he's throwing a party?
posted by raedyn at 9:39 AM on August 31, 2006


I wonder if any kid in Maine has a dead father with a "Flat Daddy" to replace him.

Most kids in western Maine are already saddled with "Gone Daddy," "Drunk Daddy" or "OxyContin Daddy." So Flat Daddy would be pretty sweet because he's there, doesn't hit, doesn't embarass the family by robbing Rite Aid and has at least the same earning potential as the typical Bangor dad.

Those laptops the state gave to 7th graders were bullshit. They should give every 7th grade Mainer a Flat Dad and watch those test scores climb out of the Northeast's gutter.
posted by Mayor Curley at 9:40 AM on August 31, 2006 [3 favorites]


Even after Richard Fish returned home last October, Kevin continued talking to Flat Daddy while his father was at work, she said.

"You love Flat Daddy more than you love me, don't you?!? DON'T YOU?!?"

"Well, maybe if you took Kevin sledding or helped me with the ironing once in a while, it wouldn't have come to this! *Sobs*Fold up your Daddy, son, we're going to a motel!"
posted by Alvy Ampersand at 9:42 AM on August 31, 2006 [1 favorite]


We miss you too, Mayor.
posted by SteveInMaine at 9:47 AM on August 31, 2006


Wrong on SO MANY levels....


Mary Holbrook of Hermon cuts out a duplicate Flat Daddy of her husband, Maine Army National Guard Lt. Col. Randall Holbrook, as her sons Justin, center, and Logan look on.
posted by mr.curmudgeon at 9:48 AM on August 31, 2006


Could've been worse, mr.curmudgeon. Could've been a cake.

I'm interested in hearing how the kids adjust once the "Flat Daddy" is once again replaced by the real thing.
posted by FormlessOne at 9:54 AM on August 31, 2006


So the Marines are taking their cues from Strangers with Candy, now?
posted by Dormant Gorilla at 9:58 AM on August 31, 2006


How long before the first story appears of an outraged family after their flat daddy is defaced or disfigured by vandals? As anyone who's ever worked in a record store knows, most stand-ups end up with blacked out teeth, a mustache, glasses, and something obscene written or drawn on. And I'm sure decapitating a flat daddy will rile up folks the same way a flag burning would.
posted by Slack-a-gogo at 9:58 AM on August 31, 2006


if one of those flat daddys had burnout strips on the road surrounding his driveway, smoked winstons, had a tazmanian devil tattooed somewhere on his body, and owned the entire bob seger opus, i'd swear that he was my date for junior prom (i went high school at a big, crazy rural western maine consolidated school - obviously).
posted by suki at 10:02 AM on August 31, 2006


Another picture of the guy being cut out on the kitchen table in mr.curmudgeon's picture.



"He goes everywhere with me. Every day he comes to work with me," said Judkins, who works in a dentist's office. "I just bought a new table from the Amish community, and he sits at the head of the table. Yes, he does."
posted by EarBucket at 10:03 AM on August 31, 2006


He’s quietly in the background on family outings to the grocery store, to restaurants, camping, even on Mary’s most recent visit to her gynecologist.

Take a minute and really imagine this scene. You're standing in front of a woman who's half-naked and in the stirrups, and you're holding a speculum, while her smiling, silent, 2-dimensional husband looks on.

Even I would start drinking after that.
posted by Shecky at 10:04 AM on August 31, 2006 [1 favorite]


Mary Holbrook of Hermon had to remove all mirrors in her house last month. "The children are very territorial and were attacking the strange child in the mirror. We had to do something."
posted by jimmythefish at 10:06 AM on August 31, 2006


Will they draw with a red magic marker speckly little round holes in Flat Daddy's head when "Real Daddy" get's blown up by a road side bomb? Or just "X" on the eyes?
posted by tkchrist at 10:09 AM on August 31, 2006


I can only imagine the stress and emotional anxiety caused by having a parent or spouse in Iraq. My reaction to most things like this is "whatever helps you get through the day."

But wow, this is creepy.
posted by brain_drain at 10:10 AM on August 31, 2006


The Marines are such cheap bastards. This is a real replacement!
posted by Liquidwolf at 10:12 AM on August 31, 2006



posted by EarBucket at 10:12 AM on August 31, 2006


tkchrist:Will they draw with a red magic marker speckly little round holes in Flat Daddy's head when "Real Daddy" get's blown up by a road side bomb? Or just "X" on the eyes?

Actually, they can bring him back with common household items:

When cousins tried to stuff him into a suitcase to take on a cruise, they broke his neck. But instead of expensive surgery, all the cutout needed was a little duct tape, Judkins said.
posted by dr_dank at 10:12 AM on August 31, 2006


How about we stop this batshitinsane war and then their families can have their *real* daddies at the gynecologist.
posted by MythMaker at 10:17 AM on August 31, 2006


When I was a kid? They used security blankets and teddy bears. AND WE WUZ THANKFUL!
posted by ZachsMind at 10:18 AM on August 31, 2006


Oh, and is it just me or is that Flat Dad just a picture of Harold Ramis in Stripes? They didn't even bother to take a real picture.


posted by jimmythefish at 10:20 AM on August 31, 2006


I'm reminded of the Simpsons episode where Marge makes a dummy (Coffee can head, balloon arms, tape recording of his voice) to replace Homer while he's on tour with The Be Sharps.
posted by Alvy Ampersand at 10:21 AM on August 31, 2006



posted by thanatogenous at 10:36 AM on August 31, 2006


The more I think about this the more it is symptomatic of a totally fucked in the head society.

Think about it. These people have levels of cognitive dissonance so high that a two dimensional construct of a person the supposedly love is surrogate to their children. And this is Ok with the "system." IOW: We always thought of you guys as paper soldiers anyway. Hell, even your WIVES think of you that way. We don't want your values, your love, your real presence. No, Marine. We merely want your heroic image to raise your children. And when they grow up to be empty broken people we will send them off to fight in other bullshit wars and make posters of them.

These people will do anything to forget that their husbands were fucking hoodwinked by lies to lay their lives and sacred honor on the line for an unjust and unwinnable war.
posted by tkchrist at 10:38 AM on August 31, 2006


This is one of the most pathetic things i've ever seen--what, do parents attach tape recorders to them too? maybe stuffed arms so they can hug?
posted by amberglow at 10:49 AM on August 31, 2006


do parents attach tape recorders to them too?

These Flat Daddies, they vibrate?
posted by CynicalKnight at 10:52 AM on August 31, 2006


I, for one, welcome our new 2-dimensional foam core overlords...
posted by Mister_A at 10:54 AM on August 31, 2006 [1 favorite]


tkchrist++
posted by sonofsamiam at 10:58 AM on August 31, 2006


M a i n e. Not Marine. Maine as in the state.

And this is too weird.
posted by Pastabagel at 10:59 AM on August 31, 2006


Looking at that picture above, I think it's same to assume that regardless of what they order, when their food comes it will all be brown.
posted by Pastabagel at 11:02 AM on August 31, 2006


yes, what tkchrist said.
posted by verb at 11:02 AM on August 31, 2006


Why is this reminding me of the wedding scene at the end of Armaggedon?
posted by ZachsMind at 11:07 AM on August 31, 2006


Matthowie's in the marines?
posted by bardic at 11:10 AM on August 31, 2006



Hey, wasn't there an older story with the White House using a cardboard cutout of president Bush with his approving, confident gaze behind Rice and Ashcroft, and Rumsfeld, all at different times?
posted by Balisong at 11:11 AM on August 31, 2006


Is anyone else reminded of the Harlow Monkey experiments?
posted by Iridic at 11:21 AM on August 31, 2006


Flat Deciders.
posted by bardic at 11:27 AM on August 31, 2006


Would we have better luck if our politicians were flat daddies? Is that what's already happening? Would we be able to tell the difference?
posted by ZachsMind at 11:34 AM on August 31, 2006


Shhh...

That's the sound of 10,000 crappy garage bands changing their names to The Flat Daddies.

(mine included).
posted by Slarty Bartfast at 11:48 AM on August 31, 2006


I could really use one of these of myself to use at work today.
posted by Wylie Kyoto at 12:08 PM on August 31, 2006


This reminded me of Flat Stanley, who got to meet President Bush.
posted by kirkaracha at 12:29 PM on August 31, 2006


You're standing in front of a woman who's half-naked and in the stirrups, and you're holding a speculum, while her smiling, silent, 2-dimensional husband looks on.

David Cronenberg's making the movie as we speak.

This thread is hilarious. Gotta laugh to keep from cryin' (or goin' batshitinsane), I guess.
posted by languagehat at 1:29 PM on August 31, 2006


We miss you too, Mayor.

You know I'm not talking about York and Cumberland counties, right?
posted by Mayor Curley at 1:44 PM on August 31, 2006


Won't someone think of the families of those killed in horrific steamroller incidents? Someone? Anyone?
posted by Ogre Lawless at 3:14 PM on August 31, 2006


I heard this story in the afternoon on NPR and all I could think was how incredible it was that the reporter was taking it so seriously. This is absolutely fucking deranged, as far as I can tell, and that wasn't even discussed?

Yes, sure, be polite, but in the name of truth, for God's sake - discuss this rationally - this is fucking insane.
posted by odinsdream at 6:19 PM on August 31, 2006


The USA has jumped the shark.
posted by five fresh fish at 7:49 PM on August 31, 2006


What happens to the ones who parents don't return? They've always got Flat Daddy. Seems like a rather large, uncontrolled psychology experiment to me.
posted by owhydididoit at 8:01 PM on August 31, 2006


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