America Weakly

September 8, 2006 7:24 AM

America WeaklyA RNC-produced fake newspaper from the future under a Democratic Congress. Breaking News: Impeachment Hearings Gavelled In. -- Where do I sign up?!
posted by empath (59 comments total)

Dems have to start using similar scorn in their attacks or they'll keep on losing. Keep it factual, but let the scorn for this kind of idiocy drip.
posted by mediareport at 7:28 AM on September 8, 2006

I love the 'Weakly Jumble'

Unnecessary War:

_ _ _ _


Hrmm... that's a toughy, I'll have to get back to that one.
posted by empath at 7:31 AM on September 8, 2006

PLEASE IMPEACH HIM PLEASE IMPEACH HIM PLEASE IMPEACH HIM PLEASE IMPEACH HIM PLEASE IMPEACH HIM PLEASE IMPEACH HIM PLEASE IMPEACH HIM...
posted by flapjax at midnite at 7:32 AM on September 8, 2006

God, I wish that article was real...
posted by flapjax at midnite at 7:35 AM on September 8, 2006

This is amazing. I am having trouble believing the RNC actually authorized this. But then again...
posted by sdrawkcab at 7:40 AM on September 8, 2006

Unnecessary War:

Iran?
posted by caddis at 7:44 AM on September 8, 2006

I saw the Jumble, too.

"Multinational force controlling our troops"

Do Republicans now believe in conspiracy theories? Methinks your post is missing a 'batshitinsane' tag.
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 7:46 AM on September 8, 2006

Wow, the onion has really gone downhill lately.
posted by damn dirty ape at 7:50 AM on September 8, 2006

The best part is the 'Forecast: Threat of storms'.
posted by nixerman at 7:58 AM on September 8, 2006

Good to see that conservative satire is still as light-fingered as ever.
posted by Iridic at 7:58 AM on September 8, 2006

This is a great opportunity to point out this Op-Ed in the Boston Globe. Quote:

Think about what happens in campaign after campaign. The Democrat comes before the public and says, ``If you read my 10-point policy plan, I'm sure you'll vote for me. Let's go over it point by point." The Republican then comes before the public, points to the Democrat, and says, ``That guy is a weak, elitist liberal who hates you and everything you stand for. I'm one of you and he's not." And guess who wins. After it's all over, Democrats wonder why they lost, when a majority of the public favors nearly all the items on their agenda. ...

posted by jellicle at 8:01 AM on September 8, 2006

HuffPo hit a nerve? Weaksauce
posted by prostyle at 8:02 AM on September 8, 2006

The best part is the 'Forecast: Threat of storms'.

As opposed to the possible future republican majority's threat of Stroms.
posted by The White Hat at 8:10 AM on September 8, 2006

There's not a single "joke" in the whole thing, unless you consider the prospect of Democrats actually doing what they're supposed to do funny.

I'm wishing that article was true also.
posted by fungible at 8:11 AM on September 8, 2006

Why do Republicans hate humor?

British Translation: Why do Republicans hate humour?
posted by Mister_A at 8:22 AM on September 8, 2006

Wow. Never knew you could smell fear over TCP/IP. This whole sad attempt at satire by the GOP really seems to suggest they know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that they are screwed.
posted by mr.curmudgeon at 8:24 AM on September 8, 2006

They're basically already acting like an opposition party -- snarking from the sidelines.
posted by empath at 8:32 AM on September 8, 2006

how childish.
posted by slater at 8:33 AM on September 8, 2006

They're basically already acting like an opposition party -- snarking from the sidelines.
posted by empath at 8:32 AM PST

Woot! Metafilter is an opposition party!

(what are we opposing again?)
posted by rough ashlar at 8:36 AM on September 8, 2006

Whadda ya got, rough ashlar?

Honestly, is there a gene that makes neocons humorless?
posted by boo_radley at 8:40 AM on September 8, 2006

There's not a single "joke" in the whole thing, unless you consider the prospect of Democrats actually doing what they're supposed to do funny.

To quote Tom Tomorrow, the typical conservative "writes as though he's heard of satire, but never actually experienced it firsthand."
posted by deanc at 8:45 AM on September 8, 2006

The DC traffic cam is a hoot. We already have the third worst traffic in the country! ...which is clearly Clinton's fault.
posted by CaptApollo at 8:49 AM on September 8, 2006

Awesome. I'd love for most of these things to come true. Hell, if they put that out, the Democrats would score huge wins. They are trying to rally their base. I think Weak is right. But not on the D side.
posted by Ironmouth at 8:58 AM on September 8, 2006

They're being made to pay their fair share in taxes: (Answer: The Rich) Oh noes!

I'd like a lot of these things to be true too, especially the impeachment article. Oh please oh please oh please...

Where was Barbra Streisand in the Hooray for Hollywood column? ; )
posted by SisterHavana at 9:02 AM on September 8, 2006

More Republican humor.

While you're there, go to the politics page and check out the picture of Dr. Evil.
posted by Mister_A at 9:06 AM on September 8, 2006

rough ashlar writes '(what are we opposing again?)'

What ya got?
posted by signal at 9:14 AM on September 8, 2006

PLEASE IMPEACH HIM PLEASE IMPEACH HIM etc.

Please open the door for years of political upheaval, retribution, and outrage from the GOP that will make the Clinton impeachment look like a Sunday picnic. Please set in motion a process that will start out with Bush in the doghouse, and end with him being a victimized, wounded hero, with heightened poll numbers to match.

Be careful what you wish for.
posted by blucevalo at 9:17 AM on September 8, 2006

Be careful what you wish for.

Cheney as President? I'll stick with Bush thank you. (ugh never thought I'd say that)
posted by SirOmega at 9:25 AM on September 8, 2006

There's not a single "joke" in the whole thing, unless you consider the prospect of Democrats actually doing what they're supposed to do funny.

I was thinking this, but then I saw that "Barbera Streisand" (what a larf!) had mistaken Charlie McCarthy for Joseph McCarthy, so there is that one.
posted by sonofsamiam at 9:27 AM on September 8, 2006

Cassandra
posted by orthogonality at 9:33 AM on September 8, 2006

Please open the door for years of political upheaval, retribution, and outrage from the GOP that will make the Clinton impeachment look like a Sunday picnic.

Yeah, because if Bush isn't impeached that sort of stuff won't happen. Nope, not from the GOP. Never.
posted by inigo2 at 9:34 AM on September 8, 2006

Please set in motion a process that will start out with Bush in the doghouse, and end with him being a victimized, wounded hero, with heightened poll numbers to match.

posted by blucevalo at 9:17 AM PST

Impeachment so helped to make Nixon more popular.....
posted by rough ashlar at 9:36 AM on September 8, 2006

I used to see a lot of similar "publications" back in the day, from both parties. Pretty much exclusively produced by the local parties.
posted by Thorzdad at 9:43 AM on September 8, 2006

Indeed Inigo2. The Republicans will attempt impeachment against ANY democratic president if they have a majority (or a split) in both houses. Impeach Bush, and subject this administration to the proper investigation, and I suspect we will discover an astounding number of skeletons in the closet. At the least, a thorough investigation will inspire a clumsy cover-up effort, which, as we have seen time and again, is often worse in the public eye than the original offense. Although it's hard to imagine a cover-up being "worse" in any sense than prosecuting an illegal war on cooked-up evidence.
posted by Mister_A at 9:43 AM on September 8, 2006

Well, I've dredged through the whole site... I think it needs to have flash videos of black-faced Al Jolson singing "Mammy" all over the place. You know, so everyone knows it's humorous in nature.
posted by boo_radley at 9:47 AM on September 8, 2006

Meh. "The Dems are weak" -- brought to you by the party that actually made America weaker and less respected around the world. Brilliant!
posted by clevershark at 9:58 AM on September 8, 2006

The site would be better if they punched it up with some good knock knock jokes.
posted by jefbla at 9:58 AM on September 8, 2006

I guess being an asshole has always been part of politics, but things seem to have really sunk to a new low lately.

Even those few politicians from the other side of the isle that I agree with or can at least talk with on some issues will, on other issues, still drop down on all fours every now and again and cough-up some regurgitated "outraged" humor.

I'm also troubled by calls from the left to "get as nasty as Rove" in order to win the election. That would be like adopting repressive strong-arm tactics in response to terrorist threats.

Wow. I was getting all depressed typing that, until I remembered to treat my angst with a measured dose of gallows humor...

...which may go some way towards showing how we get to the point of using snarky attack-jokes instead of reasoned debate.
posted by mmahaffie at 9:58 AM on September 8, 2006

Uhm, notice how not a single one of those made-up worst-case scenario headlines is a half as horrible as the actual, real headlines we've had during the reign of BushCo. That is, unless you're so absurdly rich that "Paying [your] fair share in taxes" is more of a horror than Katrina.
posted by Skwirl at 10:05 AM on September 8, 2006

WHOIS:
Registrant:
Republican National Committee
310 First Street SE
Washington, DC 20003
US

It really is them. Go figure.
posted by The White Hat at 10:26 AM on September 8, 2006

Cheney IS president. Impeaching W will only be a PR hit for the ruling class. It will always be biz as usual.
posted by wfc123 at 10:30 AM on September 8, 2006

Just Say ‘No’: Dems End Security Measures

One can only fear this. My God, if the transportation of hay happens without the government knowing....there is no telling what evil will happen! Where shall Al Quida hide outside the village, if not in hay mounds!?!
posted by rough ashlar at 10:34 AM on September 8, 2006

Do they even realize who is really being caricatured by this poor attempt?
Rhetorical question of course.
posted by nofundy at 10:39 AM on September 8, 2006

Wow.... have you checked out the horoscopes yet? They blame high gas prices on Democrats.
posted by inigo2 at 11:23 AM on September 8, 2006

Ah. High concept.
posted by hoborg at 11:49 AM on September 8, 2006

Hateful and pathetic.

Oh, and hypocritical. This from their main story:

Reducing the partisan rancor in Washington was simply never part of [the Democrats'] agenda
posted by athenian at 12:16 PM on September 8, 2006

I don't see how this is hateful. If anything, it seems more or less accurate. Most of this is stuff I'd be thrilled to see happen in 06 after a democratic victory.

I'm sort of puzzled at the disconnect here. It seems like Republicans believe all this stuff is terrifyingly extreme and will really bring out the vote? The DNC could just change the title and use it to motivate Dems to get to the polls.
posted by rusty at 12:31 PM on September 8, 2006

My biggest fear: Someone figures out how to get Bush a third term. The conspiracy theorist in me just wouldn't be surprise if something happened during the election that either tables teh elections or nullifies all results and kept Bush in office "until the end of this incident."

Now that would be America Weakly.
posted by ToastedWoobie at 1:00 PM on September 8, 2006

While it's impossible for me to entirely lay aside my contempt for the current Republican party, can we at least agree that a little bit of divided government between the Executive and the Legislative is usually a good thing for the country? Checks and Balances and all that faggy garbage those hippies used to talk about?
posted by bardic at 1:03 PM on September 8, 2006

What the US needs is a modern-day Thomas Nast, one that can illustrate the people in power as they truly are.
posted by clevershark at 1:05 PM on September 8, 2006

From: Just Say ‘No’: Dems Celebrate End of Bush Security Measures

“The ability to shoot down missiles launched from South Korea is clearly provocative,” House International Relations Committee Chairman Tom Lantos said.

Whaddya think? Honest typo; projecting a nightmarish world where even allies start lobbing missiles at the US; or plain ignorance of which Korea is the dangerous, West-hatin' one?
posted by senor biggles at 1:08 PM on September 8, 2006

Whaddya think? Honest typo; projecting a nightmarish world where even allies start lobbing missiles at the US; or plain ignorance of which Korea is the dangerous, West-hatin' one?

None of the above; perhaps, rather, an effort to paint Congressman Lantos, who has been known to insert his foot in his mouth now and again, as a buffoon. Although now that I think about it, that's attributing too much subtlety to the progenitors of this crapfest.
posted by blucevalo at 1:26 PM on September 8, 2006

Help the Warmongers Help Themselves: A Vanities Cover-Flap Public Service
posted by homunculus at 2:49 PM on September 8, 2006

What's annoying is the childish little Republican trick of using "Democrat" instead of Democratic everywhere on the site.

D.C. Traffic Cam
10:45 a.m. Very Congested
Influx of new federal workers continues to jam highways.

Okay, that was worth a chuckle.
posted by SenshiNeko at 5:52 PM on September 8, 2006

Ahahaha. I love their "poll where they ask "who's your favorite democrat" where each one has a 'bad' quote. I voted for Howard "I hate republicans and everything they stand for" dean, and I'm happy to see he's in the lead with 22%
posted by delmoi at 7:35 AM on September 9, 2006

Ahahaha, this article is datlined from my home town, where I actually saw dean speak twice in 2000.
posted by delmoi at 7:38 AM on September 9, 2006

Cheney as President? I'll stick with Bush thank you. (ugh never thought I'd say that)

You can impeach both the president and the vice president at the same time, which would result in either Condi Rice, Nancy Peloci, or John Murtha as the president (depending on how things play out after the election)
posted by delmoi at 7:43 AM on September 9, 2006

I don't see how this is hateful. If anything, it seems more or less accurate. Most of this is stuff I'd be thrilled to see happen in 06 after a democratic victory.

Of course you'd be thrilled, you're a democrat, right? Just like a republican would be thrilled (and you would be horrified) If abortion were legally banned and black people disenfranchised (again)
posted by delmoi at 7:45 AM on September 9, 2006

delmoi: Exactly. So if I were going to try to produce a satire of Republican desires, it would be more like "Republicans Win House and Senate, Announce Bold New Program to Feed Lynched Nigger Meat to Rescued Fetuses."

Now that's satire.
posted by rusty at 9:18 AM on September 9, 2006