General themes are hard to make out, but isolated lines prove problematic.

September 18, 2006 12:46 PM

Pre-marital sex! Eastern religious influences! Nods to Darwinian evolution! Spitefulness! In a world where rock music is poised to corrupt the souls of young America, the music review section of Plugged In Online (developed by Focus on the Family) promises to evaluate music not by melody, rhythm, beat or sound, but by the spirit of Colossians 2:8: "See to it that no one takes you captive through hollow and deceptive philosophy, which depends on human tradition and the basic principles of this world rather than on Christ."
posted by apple scruff (69 comments total)

It's like capalert with good (well, better) web design!
posted by mr_roboto at 12:51 PM on September 18, 2006

It's interesting that they call the things they like "pro-social," apparently implying that things like Eastern religious influences are anti-social.
posted by obvious at 1:05 PM on September 18, 2006

My first thought was, "Boy, I hope these guys don't get ahold of the Bloodhound Gang." They have.
posted by Faint of Butt at 1:08 PM on September 18, 2006

"Virtuoso saxophonist Kenny G's first album in four years features ultra-mellow instrumental sounds. A light collection of romantic mood music that is sure to be enjoyed by a wide audience-including some teens."

any teens out there wanna fess up to listening to Kenny G?
posted by lester's sock puppet at 1:11 PM on September 18, 2006

Oh, wow. Their reviews of the Beatles Anthologies 1, 2 and 3 are a hoot.
posted by Faint of Butt at 1:13 PM on September 18, 2006 [1 favorite]

They missed the Christian allegory that lies at the heart of Iowa.
posted by Pastabagel at 1:14 PM on September 18, 2006

Y'know, there's actually a lot of good music that, to varying degrees, could be called Christian: Bob Dylan, U2, Van Morrison, T-Bone Burnett, Maria Muldaur, old gospel, even people like Bart Millard. But these people never get mentioned by these folks, probably cause they're not on a record label affiliated with a ministry affiliated with FOF.
posted by jonmc at 1:16 PM on September 18, 2006

I read their movie reviews quite often, mostly for a laugh, but sometimes they're pretty good. Recently they switched to a new reviewer who seems to understand that, for instance, films about medieval China are going to talk about Buddha, not Jesus Christ.

Sometimes it's quite surprising what passes muster and what does not. Thankfully the new reviewer is so much less inclined to make bad puns at the end of his articles.

Also made up a fake review by them of my magazine.
posted by Captaintripps at 1:17 PM on September 18, 2006

Focus on the Family meets Cannibal Corpse, reminding me of Archie meeting the Punisher.
posted by mkb at 1:21 PM on September 18, 2006

" 'Rape Me' is destined to be an accessory in violent crimes against women by suggesting that they enjoy being sexually assaulted-repeatedly ('Rape me my friend . . . hate me, do it and do it again'). Tongue in cheek? Hard to tell. It will be interesting to see how the band tries to justify this one."

They've got to be hilariously uninformed, either that, or this is a very old review.

I'm guessing hilariously uninformed.

"Subtitled Learning How to Smile, this 'volume one' doesn’t give families much to smile about, not the least of which is the fact that volume two may be waiting in the wings. Alexakis seems to have a soft spot for his young daughter. Let’s hope it leads to more lyrics about her delightful laugh and fewer profane, vice-ridden rants."

Volume 2 came out within months of volume 1. Maybe these are old?
posted by Matt Oneiros at 1:23 PM on September 18, 2006

I also note with some amusement that there is no discussion of classical or jazz music. Or showtunes for that matter. Bet they could have had some fun with 'Rent'.

And here's a classic. In the review of Dido's No Angel, the first item of pro-social content is:

Dido credits her man with making life’s inconveniences seem like no big deal ("Thankyou").

Hear that ladies? You need to thank your man for keeping you from going all a-twitter over life's inconveniences, like yellow traffic lights and stuck pickle jars. He presumably accomplishes this by beating you.
posted by Pastabagel at 1:23 PM on September 18, 2006

The conclusion of the review to Spirited Away:
Japan’s offbeat answer to Alice in Wonderland is an eerie anime acid trip

...mmmWHAAAA???
posted by sonofsamiam at 1:23 PM on September 18, 2006

From the Cannibal Corpse review:

Gore Obsessed isn’t about a former Vice President’s fixation on Florida’s butterfly ballots. I

Get it?! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

I so want to get a hold of James Dobson's Temporary Internet Files folder I can't even describe it.
posted by Pastabagel at 1:26 PM on September 18, 2006

The one for In Untero is priceless!

" 'Rape Me' is destined to be an accessory in violent crimes against women by suggesting that they enjoy being sexually assaulted-repeatedly ('Rape me my friend . . . hate me, do it and do it again'). Tongue in cheek? Hard to tell."

Destined, even! That's some serious prediction going on.

Thanks for the post, it really is the best laugh I have had in ages.
posted by thekilgore at 1:27 PM on September 18, 2006

Reminds me of my favorite unintentionally hilarious music review site.
posted by COBRA! at 1:27 PM on September 18, 2006

Thanks for the pointer, Faint of Butt. I was shocked, SHOCKED, to learn that:

"Why Don't We Do It in the Road" is a sexual proposition

I, for one, will be gosh-darned. Also, how will we ever top this summation of the Beatles?

...a muffled blend of innocence and depravity.
posted by mmahaffie at 1:27 PM on September 18, 2006

And thanks to Apple Scruff to!
posted by mmahaffie at 1:29 PM on September 18, 2006

er... ... as well!
posted by mmahaffie at 1:30 PM on September 18, 2006

Man, my parents got Plugged In when I was a teenager. I remember being especially unhappy with their irony-less review of Beck's Midnite Vultures.

THAT SAID, this doesn't deserve as much mockery as it's going to receive here.

a) Concerned parents want to know what their kids are listening to, and what the music suggests.
b) Focus on the Family makes a guide, covering many top-ten CDs from the perspective of their constituents.
c) Parents subscribe to it.
d) Hilarity!

If you don't agree with the reviews, remember that it's not for you, it's for Christian parents of teenagers. You might as well mock a guide to restaurants with good vegetarian dishes, because "Haw haw, why don't those people just eat meat?" These parents want to accomplish a (moderately reasonable) goal, and this magazine helps them with it.
posted by dougunderscorenelso at 1:30 PM on September 18, 2006

I get this error on some of the reviews:
[Macromedia][SQLServer JDBC Driver][SQLServer]Cannot open database requested in login 'WSP_PluggedIn'. Login fails.

I guess that even God can't get Coldfusion to work right.
posted by octothorpe at 1:31 PM on September 18, 2006

I was hoping these would be a little more over-the-top with the warnings about the blashpeming and the sodomizing and such. But they're really boring.
posted by Mayor Curley at 1:32 PM on September 18, 2006

send them a GWAR record, then.
posted by jonmc at 1:33 PM on September 18, 2006

I checked out a few reviews, fully expecting blistering idiocy and over the top self-righteous condemnation, but what I found was at least one reviewer that sincerely loves music, mostly gets it, but seems genuinely concerned about helping parents steer their children away from the misogyny, hedonism and ridiculous that dominate too much of today's pop music.

The concern is quaint, I think, but I still I wonder if any of that stuff matters. I was virtually raised by the over the top depravity and misogyny as sung by Bon Scott, Robert Plant and Steven Tyler, and I am pretty sure it didn't affect my view of women.
posted by Hypnic jerk at 1:35 PM on September 18, 2006

"Why Don't We Do It in the Road" is a sexual proposition

I, for one, will be gosh-darned. Also, how will we ever top this summation of the Beatles?

All this time I thought it was an allegory for Socialism. Well, that's art for you...
posted by doctor_negative at 1:36 PM on September 18, 2006

They review movies too. I notice that Fahrenheit 9-11 got a scathing review, while gore-fest Saw got a much tamer review.

Apparently horror movies like the Ring and the Grudge are okay because they acknowledge supernatural/spiritual powers, whereas F9-11 isn't, because it acknowledges that the president is divine.

Apropos of nothing, here are some Christian kids praying to George W. Bush.
posted by Pastabagel at 1:37 PM on September 18, 2006

Man, they make that Bloodhound Gang album sound like it's gonna be really good, but it's absolutely terrible.
posted by klangklangston at 1:38 PM on September 18, 2006

dougunderscorenelso said: a) Concerned parents want to know what their kids are listening to, and what the music suggests.

That's part of what is so funny about a review of something like the Bloodhound Gang's Hooray for Boobies.

I can picture some Flanders-esque parents stading in the music store saying "Gee honey, I don't know. It's called Hooray for Boobies and there are actual boobies on the cover. Let's go home and see what Focus on the Family thinks about it."

How unable to make a decision on their own are these parents?
posted by thekilgore at 1:39 PM on September 18, 2006

I think you give them a little too much credit with that analogy, dougunderscorenelso. Vegetarian dishes can be judged on exactly the same standards as meat dishes. What these people are doing is more analogous to judging meals based solely on one criterion, that being the ingredients' proximity to meat. It's pretty silly.
posted by Faint of Butt at 1:39 PM on September 18, 2006

You might as well mock a guide to restaurants with good vegetarian dishes, because "Haw haw, why don't those people just eat meat?"

OK.
posted by weapons-grade pandemonium at 1:42 PM on September 18, 2006

I could care less what Focus on the Family thinks about anything, but I am glad in general such independent sites exist. It allows people who do care to filter what they want to buy for themselves or their children. I read the Village Voice film reviews because I like some of their writers and value their opinions when deciding what movie I want to see. That is one of the filters that I like to use. As an alternative to some unipolar government censorship, this is much preferable (although the ratings board is an "independent" private censorship board by proxy).

Anything that increases the diversity of opinions that one can consult when making a decision is a net good in my book, even when I personally have zero interest in using the service.
posted by Falconetti at 1:43 PM on September 18, 2006

Screw GWAR, I want them to review that band Mayhem, where one member commited suicide by shooting himself and the other allegedly ate his brains in soup.

That's the review they need to write.
posted by Pastabagel at 1:44 PM on September 18, 2006

I'm actually kind of disappointed that some of my favorite albums didn't get trashed more.

Oh well, I guess I'll have to add The Downward Spiral to my playlist for good measure.
posted by utsutsu at 1:48 PM on September 18, 2006

In fairness I expected them to give Toby Keith a free pass, and they didn't (although describing "The Angry American" as pro-social is like describing Herod as pro-baby).
posted by PinkStainlessTail at 1:49 PM on September 18, 2006

I do not find objectionable what they find objectionable, but I respect that the site attempts to catalogue what's out there as opposed to simply rating the broad objectionability of the works. I understand that many people who draw their moral views from this form of Christianity are going to make some (to me) bizarre connections regarding "pro-social" and "objectionable" content, labelling Eastern philosophy and mere allusion to evolution as objectionable. However, I was surprised and quite amused to discover that in the movie reviews on their site, they've very carefully made note of every fart joke that they could find.
posted by ErWenn at 1:52 PM on September 18, 2006

Faint of Butt, good points. I just wanted to note that the criteria Plugged In is judging music on is the same criteria their subscribers are judging it on. To some religious folk, the content of the music their kids are listening to is very, very important (although oddly, my teenage observation was that the MOVIE standard is much, much lower. James Bond is 'good fun,' Metallica is 'utter depravity.' Despite the fact that one has a lot more violence and meaningless sex).
posted by dougunderscorenelso at 1:53 PM on September 18, 2006

How unable to make a decision on their own are these parents?

I once bought a used CD in which mom (or dad I guess) had carefully sanitized the liner notes with a sharpie marker.

You know those "web protection" software packages which supposedly shield junior from naughty bits out there on the web, but also shield him from finding out who won the 30th Superbowl? That software would have faired much better in a Turing test than whoever censored these liner notes.
posted by Kid Charlemagne at 1:54 PM on September 18, 2006

THAT SAID, this doesn't deserve as much mockery as it's going to receive here.

From a civic point of view, I agree with you. I think it's great that parents are informing themselves about what their children listen to, even if they have views directly opposed to mind.

But you also have to admit that the literalmindedness of some of the reviews is damned funny. I remember a similar set of lyric summaries done in the early 1990s done by some outfit with a more secular centrist Joe Lieberman/Tipper Gore viewpoint, but it was just as funny as Focus on the Family, if not more so.

Sample summaries I remember include:
"A snappy dresser is sometimes a dangerous person." (Rancid, "Time Bomb"); "A woman enjoys showing her vagina to her acquaintances" (Primus, "Wynonna's Got A Big Brown Beaver).

Call me insensitive if you will, but them there's comedy gold I tell you what.
posted by jonp72 at 1:56 PM on September 18, 2006

From Pastabagel's link to the Fahrenheit 9-11 review:

Moore devotes several more minutes of film to Attorney General John Ashcroft singing a patriotic song. Why? It can’t be because the singing is bad; Ashcroft actually has a nice tenor voice. Maybe it’s because Moore considers him goofy or stupid and assumes we all think the same. (Emphasis mine)

OK, Focus on the Family. Now I get it: this whole website, complete with thousands of reviews comprising tens of thousands of man-hours of effort, is simply an elaborate ruse, meant to draw momentary ire from left-of-center community weblogs.

Touché.
posted by Mayor West at 2:03 PM on September 18, 2006

They review movies too. I notice that Fahrenheit 9-11 got a scathing review, while gore-fest Saw got a much tamer review.

I think what bothers me about the 9/11 review is that they're not reviewing the content in a social/moral way, but politically. I could see how someone on either side of the political spectrum might want to know how bloody a movie is, how sexually suggestive a song is - but being upset about the contents accuracy is silly for this application.
posted by [insert clever name here] at 2:03 PM on September 18, 2006

any teens out there wanna fess up to listening to Kenny G?

As an ex-teen, yes, but in my defense I was trying to unlock the pants of a very proper Catholic girl who found his music titillating. And no, the hours and hours of frustrated petting listening to homogenized treacle did not work. Which is why I hate Kenny G more than any other person hates Kenny G on the face of this earth.
posted by Fezboy! at 2:04 PM on September 18, 2006

Despite a pessimistic view of life, Trent Reznor occasionally steps out of the darkness. He wants to help a girl overcome pain ("The Fragile") and finds strength in a friendship ("We're in This Together").

This is simply wonderful.
posted by Uther Bentrazor at 2:13 PM on September 18, 2006

What's the deal with Christain music anyway? Christianity's inspired some really great music -- from Bach's organ works and masses to Silent Night. But the modern Christain music I've heard all seems puerile repiitions of the same theme: "I'm whiney and lame, but Jesus loves me."
posted by orthogonality at 2:22 PM on September 18, 2006

"Christian music" is mainly a corporate church of mammon product, and no good fruit can come from a bad tree. Now, music made by Christians, on the other hand, is very often good, see: the entire history of country music, gospel, soul, "classical", etc.

Reminds me of this classic Peter Bagge piece.
posted by sonofsamiam at 2:28 PM on September 18, 2006

..."Morning Bell" repeats the line "Cut the kids in half" (trouble if taken literally, but it may be a cryptic reference to how divorce rips at children).

I love this part from the Objectionable Content section of the review of KID A. It doesn't even consider that the line might be an allusion to the biblical story in which "wise" King Solomon suggests cutting a kid in half to settle a custody dispute. That actually raises an interesting question: I wonder how the Bible itself would do, if it were reviewed according to the same standards, and if its moral unassailability weren't taken as a given? I mean, it's got incest, alcoholism, murder, the whole nine yards--and in many cases, the sins go completely unpunished, if they aren't actually rewarded.
posted by saulgoodman at 2:32 PM on September 18, 2006

On "A Lap Dance Is So Much Better When the Stripper Is Crying," a man pays a minor for sex and fantasizes about Jesus sodomizing Mickey Mouse with a lawn dart.
posted by bardic at 2:47 PM on September 18, 2006

Pastabagel, that (kids praying to Bush) has to be the most horrific video I have ever seen. I may go pluck my eyes out with a salad fork. I really fear for the children of the parents that would subject their kids to that rhetoric.
posted by winks007 at 2:48 PM on September 18, 2006

The problem I see is that the reviewers are looking at the words and ignoring what the words are communicating. The complete lack of ability to parse irony and metaphor on the part of the reviewers is pretty amazing. I wonder if they actually listened to the music or just read the lyrics out of the liner.
posted by lekvar at 3:30 PM on September 18, 2006

Hilarious as this is - and easy to poke fun at - it's clear from the music reviews that they've actually listened quite closely to the records, somewhat openmindedly even (albeit with a clear agenda), and that deserves some recognition.
posted by goodnewsfortheinsane at 3:37 PM on September 18, 2006

goodnewsfortheinsane has a good point. I'd even go so far as to say their reviews are more informative than, say, Pitchfork's, albeit with different criteria.
posted by danb at 3:53 PM on September 18, 2006

Interestingly, they kind of like Shaun of the Dead. Then again, who doesn't? My mother loves it and she can stand horror.
posted by brundlefly at 3:56 PM on September 18, 2006

If you don't agree with the reviews, remember that it's not for you, it's for Christian parents of teenagers. You might as well mock a guide to restaurants with good vegetarian dishes, because "Haw haw, why don't those people just eat meat?" These parents want to accomplish a (moderately reasonable) goal, and this magazine helps them with it

I disgaree, because what folks are laughing at is not the intent of the reviews (giving parents a guide to what their kids are listening to) but at how inept the reviews are. The reviewers are not very good (and often downright awful) at reading/listening/watching and interpreting. The parents don't know any better and so trust the FOF reviews w/o realizing that the ineptness of the reivews will more likely than not convince the kids that their parents are stupid. For example, my mom didn't want me listening to Living Colour because their song "This Is The Life" supposedly promoted reincarnation.

hat actually raises an interesting question: I wonder how the Bible itself would do, if it were reviewed according to the same standards, and if its moral unassailability weren't taken as a given?

My memory of growing up in evangelical circles is that evangelicals are generally as clueless when reading the Bible as they are when listening to Radiohead. Jim Wallis used to carry around a Bible with every reference to caring for the poor cut out of it and display it to show the shabby, pathetic book that American Christians adhere to.
posted by eustacescrubb at 3:58 PM on September 18, 2006

Pastabagel, that (kids praying to Bush) has to be the most horrific video I have ever seen.

As a mainline "apostate" left-wing Protestant, I get a real kick out of the fact that today's Christian Fundies have forgotten utterly and totally that any form of idolatry is an egregious violation of the First Commandment. Punishable by stoning, I think?
posted by Hypnic jerk at 4:15 PM on September 18, 2006

it's clear from the music reviews that they've actually listened quite closely to the records

I'd disagree. It seems as if they've listened quite closely to (or read printouts of) the lyrics.

Two articles of note:

The difference between truth and reality. That's kinda f'ed up.

Which Nature are you feeding? - This allegory lost me completely. If the iguana that ate a diverse diet is the role model for a well-balanced life, wouldn't the ideal teenage boy be the one who tried a little of everything--sex, drugs, rock n roll, internet porn (boy are they scared of that one) as well as god, church, family?

Wouldn't the boy who *only* consumed pornographic material or *only* consumed church doctrine be akin to Justice (the picky-eating iguana who died)?
posted by mrgrimm at 4:27 PM on September 18, 2006

This is about as useful as reviewing the Bible as a novel, on its literary merit.
posted by clevershark at 4:53 PM on September 18, 2006

Fezboy! writes "As an ex-teen, yes, but in my defense I was trying to unlock the pants of a very proper Catholic girl who found his music titillating."

Ah, the horrors we males will put ourselves through... although you should have tried Enigma, it works a lot better.
posted by clevershark at 4:58 PM on September 18, 2006

This is actually a rather good book analyzing the old testament from a literary standpoint. God as it turns out is a bit of a nutcase.
posted by Bistle at 5:16 PM on September 18, 2006

Enh, whatever, another example of "let's say 'Christian' when we mean 'far right wing social conservatism.'"

Some good thoughts, but even the band’s jabs at consumerism and pleas for starving kids feel contrived to support an anti-American agenda. Not what our nation needs right now. Add several dozen f-words and there’s no point directing teens to Steal This Album!
posted by rxrfrx at 5:25 PM on September 18, 2006

I find it interesting that neither this site nor capalert reviews books. There seem to be far fewer reviews of books from a christian perspective (except spiritual/christian books), which makes me wonder if christian parents screen books via white list as opposed to black list.
posted by BrotherCaine at 5:55 PM on September 18, 2006

It's still pretty ridiculous. I mean, the Crash Test Dummies? These people are unbelievably humorless.
posted by toma at 6:18 PM on September 18, 2006

From the review of Dave Matthews Band's Busted Stuff:

On "Captain," the singer tells his wife how much he enjoys her company."

From the song:

Oh I love how you do me
Oh my love, come on let's go again
Oh I love everything
Oh won't you play with me again
Got all night

Er...yeah. Matthews snuck one by 'em, I think.
posted by danb at 7:19 PM on September 18, 2006

Enh, whatever, another example of "let's say 'Christian' when we mean 'far right wing social conservatism.'"

Ding, ding, ding! rxrfrx nailed it. That's why this stuff is so sickening: The right has successfully duped slightly more than half the Christian population into confusing the right wing Weltanschauung with Christian values.
posted by saulgoodman at 7:58 PM on September 18, 2006

These people are shameless:
With the release of Human Wheels, the cat's out of the bag-and the name. Formerly John "Cougar" Mellencamp,

We know, we know, John Mellencamp sucks. You don't have to beat around the bush (morally suspect metaphor), just tell us how much he sucks.
posted by Joybooth at 9:10 PM on September 18, 2006

Huh, U2's "How to dismantle an atomic bomb" has no objectionable content.
posted by delmoi at 9:15 PM on September 18, 2006

I find it interesting that neither this site nor capalert reviews books.

why if they did that, they'd have to READ them
posted by pyramid termite at 9:28 PM on September 18, 2006

Also, teenagers don't read, so they don't need to protect 'em from books!
posted by danb at 10:29 PM on September 18, 2006

However it's good to see that Celine Dion has no objectional content!
posted by dangerousdan at 1:10 AM on September 19, 2006

I don't care.
posted by malusmoriendumest at 1:49 AM on September 19, 2006

Thanks one helluvalot, clevershark, where were you with that advice 19 years ago?

I have my doubts about Enigma's efficacy in pants-unlocking in this case though. She was pretty tied to the concept of white weddings and lots of little fezzes running around the yard. I think I was into it because I enjoyed frustration or something. I was a weird kid.

Oh, and to finally make an on-topic comment... I wasted a good bit of last night reading and chuckling at the reviews. I don't begrudge them their cause or naiveté, only their poor taste in music.
posted by Fezboy! at 9:07 AM on September 19, 2006

Thanks one helluvalot, clevershark, where were you with that advice 19 years ago?

I have my doubts about Enigma's efficacy in pants-unlocking in this case though.

I had a friend who swore by the Church's "Under the Milky Way Tonight" for its makeout music properties, but it probably wouldn't have worked with the Catholic girl though. Ah yes, the music that a high school age straight man will tolerate just to get some nookie....
posted by jonp72 at 1:29 PM on September 19, 2006