Comments on: Sometimes the headlines write themselves ...

Sometimes the headlines write themselves ...

kcds — Tue, 03 Oct 2006 14:52:57 -0800

So this horse walks into a bar ...

By: elwoodwiles

elwoodwiles — Tue, 03 Oct 2006 14:55:50 -0800

And the bartender says, "So, why the long face?" I got nothing

By: It's Raining Florence Henderson

It's Raining Florence Henderson — Tue, 03 Oct 2006 14:58:45 -0800

Horse of Warcraft?

By: Vindaloo

Vindaloo — Tue, 03 Oct 2006 15:00:06 -0800

Why did the horse bring a ladder to the bar? Because the drinks were on the house!!

By: gfrobe

gfrobe — Tue, 03 Oct 2006 15:01:14 -0800

After a few pints Peggy said, "Wow, I have to pee like a racehorse". Nah, I got nothing either..

By: quin

quin — Tue, 03 Oct 2006 15:04:58 -0800

Due to the sanitary issues surrounding this, we would never see this in the States. Which is a shame because I would love to be able to brag that I drank a damn horse under the table. The secret that nobody knows is that horses can't hold their liquor. Buncha lightweights I tell ya. Couple of shots and they are staggering around, picking fights and calling everybody's mother a mule. Zebras on the other hand, man, those fuckers can drink.

By: NinjaTadpole

NinjaTadpole — Tue, 03 Oct 2006 15:06:06 -0800

and the horse said "ouch": it was ~~a metal bar~~ newsfilter.

By: jefbla

jefbla — Tue, 03 Oct 2006 15:09:01 -0800

Later, the bartender said, "Quit horsin' around!" I really got nothing

By: Flashman

Flashman — Tue, 03 Oct 2006 15:11:57 -0800

Beer and chips? Jamie Oliver better not find out about this.

By: Skygazer

Skygazer — Tue, 03 Oct 2006 15:12:19 -0800

Here's an old one that has nothing to do with horses. A rabbi walks into a bar with a frog on his shoulder, and the bartenders all like "Holy moly, where'd you get that thing??" And the frog responds "Brooklyn. They're all over the place."

By: Astro Zombie

Astro Zombie — Tue, 03 Oct 2006 15:16:10 -0800

Ironically, the bar doesn't serve Jews.

By: linux

linux — Tue, 03 Oct 2006 15:16:18 -0800

Due to the sanitary issues surrounding this, we would never see this in the States. It wouldn't happen in London, either, you know. I'll bet it can happen in a small town out west, maybe out up in Montana....

By: Capt. Bligh

Capt. Bligh — Tue, 03 Oct 2006 15:21:31 -0800

Obligatory YouTube Patches link.

By: knave

knave — Tue, 03 Oct 2006 15:36:00 -0800

... the bartender says, "What's this, some kind of joke?"

By: Iron Rat

Iron Rat — Tue, 03 Oct 2006 15:37:17 -0800

Serving a twelve year old female, oh my stars and garters. I used to have a pig that loooooved a cold pint of beer, and a goat that had a thing for the wacky weed

By: blag

blag — Tue, 03 Oct 2006 15:51:17 -0800

I know a pissed horse when I see one! Get it a kebab.

By: Iridic

Iridic — Tue, 03 Oct 2006 15:52:07 -0800

A horse walks into a bar carrying a pair of jumper cables in its mouth. The bartender eyes the horse warily, then tells it, "You can come in—but don't start anything."

By: Mikey-San

Mikey-San — Tue, 03 Oct 2006 16:01:30 -0800

A priest, a rabbi, and a nun walk into a bar, and the horse goes, "I'm in the wrong joke!"

By: TheDonF

TheDonF — Tue, 03 Oct 2006 16:11:01 -0800

A blonde walks into a bar. You'd think even a blonde would notice a building that size.

By: isopraxis

isopraxis — Tue, 03 Oct 2006 16:11:03 -0800

horse walks into a bar. The bartender says: "Sarah Jessica Parker?"

By: DenOfSizer

DenOfSizer — Tue, 03 Oct 2006 16:11:24 -0800

... and all he does is nag. ditto on the nada

By: annieb

annieb — Tue, 03 Oct 2006 16:14:18 -0800

A horse walks into a bar, asks for a shot, and says "Damn, my wife is a nag! The old gray mare...she ain't what she used to be." That's all I got.

By: annieb

annieb — Tue, 03 Oct 2006 16:15:17 -0800

DenOfSizer beat me to it.

By: brain_drain

brain_drain — Tue, 03 Oct 2006 16:17:47 -0800

You can lead a horse to Blavod, but you can't make it drink.

By: Malor

Malor — Tue, 03 Oct 2006 16:19:24 -0800

The bar owner is, unfortunately, ill. She caught a colt.

By: It's Raining Florence Henderson

It's Raining Florence Henderson — Tue, 03 Oct 2006 16:21:08 -0800

...so the bartender tapped a pony keg.

By: Iridic

Iridic — Tue, 03 Oct 2006 16:21:40 -0800

Caught a colt, eh? I thought she was sounding a little horse.

By: found missing

found missing — Tue, 03 Oct 2006 16:22:04 -0800

...and orders a beer. The bartender thinks to himself, "how smart can a horse be?" and says to the horse, "one beer? that will be $10" So, the horse pays up and settles down to drink the beer. After a while, the bartender gets bored and wanders back over to the horse. He says,"we don't get many horses in here." The horse replies, "I'm not surprised, at $10 a beer."

By: found missing

found missing — Tue, 03 Oct 2006 16:25:27 -0800

I'll be here all week. Tip your waitress.

By: Hogshead

Hogshead — Tue, 03 Oct 2006 16:26:13 -0800

Dude walks into a bar, says, "I'm feeling a little hoarse." Bartender says, "You want to move up a league, wait till Peggy gets back in from the ladies."

By: koeselitz

koeselitz — Tue, 03 Oct 2006 16:27:49 -0800

The best part of this article: "'It was a hot day when the horse came in,' said Mrs. Gray, 'and I was shocked at first because I have never run a pub before.'" Other regular customer: "You're surprised? I take it you've never run a pub before. Y'see, Mrs. Gray, this sort of thing happens all the time in pubs. Just one of those things you learn as a pub owner."

By: Iridic

Iridic — Tue, 03 Oct 2006 16:29:13 -0800

A horse walks into a French bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, monsieur, but we don't serve food in here."

By: mr_crash_davis

mr_crash_davis — Tue, 03 Oct 2006 16:32:01 -0800

'So this horse walks into a bar ...' And the bartender says "Nice to see you again, Ms. Parker-Bowles". (or Julia Roberts, depending on which country you're in)

By: fusinski

fusinski — Tue, 03 Oct 2006 16:53:10 -0800

The secret that nobody knows is that horses can't hold their liquor. Buncha lightweights I tell ya. Couple of shots and they are staggering around, picking fights and calling everybody's mother a mule. Hey, you wanna go feed that donkey some beer? Get it all messed up?

By: isopraxis

isopraxis — Tue, 03 Oct 2006 17:01:16 -0800

I'll go get a bucket!

By: heylight

heylight — Tue, 03 Oct 2006 17:05:41 -0800

A horse walks into a bar. The starting signal goes off and the bar raises. "And they're off!" (hm...)

By: longsleeves

longsleeves — Tue, 03 Oct 2006 17:27:57 -0800

Something about lifting a tail...... nah. nothin'.

By: bim

bim — Tue, 03 Oct 2006 17:30:52 -0800

Excuse me a sec. I've gotta go see a man about a horse. :)

By: zoinks

zoinks — Tue, 03 Oct 2006 17:35:18 -0800

koeselitz - my first thought exactly. A man walks into a bar with a horse. They proceed to order drinks, and continue drinking heavily for hours on end. Finally the horse lies down on the floor and passes out. The man asks the bartender for the bill and makes ready to leave, and the bartender says "Hey, you can't leave that lyin' on the floor of my bar!" And the man responds "That's not a lion, that's a horse!" Yes, that joke does not work as well in print as told aloud. Yes, it's still awful when told aloud. Yes, it's usually told with a giraffe instead of a horse, at least as I've heard it. Yes, I apologize.

By: Smedleyman

Smedleyman — Tue, 03 Oct 2006 17:43:14 -0800

So this pony walks into a bar and says: "I'd like a beer please." And the bartender says "What?" And the pony says "I'd like a beer please." And the bartender says "I can't hear you, you're going to have to speak up." And the pony says: " I'm sorry, I'm a little horse."

By: Smedleyman

Smedleyman — Tue, 03 Oct 2006 17:59:47 -0800

...where 17th century western philosopher Rene Descartes is ordering a beer. The bartender hands the horse a martini as soon as he walks in ignoring the philosopher. Descartes says "But I was here first!" And the bartender says: "Yes, but I never put Descartes before the horse." (wasn't happy with the little horse thing) (how can you tell a horse is jewish? I mean if it's a mare...and they'd be a bitch to circumcise)

By: dgaicun

dgaicun — Tue, 03 Oct 2006 18:01:59 -0800

A horse walks into a bar and becomes panicked by the crowd, smoke and noise. His bowels empty and he begins running into the walls, falling over tables and bucking wildly. Several women are seriously injured. Eventually the horse cuts his leg on some broken juke box glass and has a seizure.

By: jefbla

jefbla — Tue, 03 Oct 2006 18:25:01 -0800

...and the bartender says, "Hey!" Then the horse says, "Yes, I would like some hay please. Thank you very much." OR ...and the bartender says, "Hey, we don't serve your equine here!"

By: Sparx

Sparx — Tue, 03 Oct 2006 18:46:49 -0800

So this horse walks into a bar and says "Give me a beer and a mop, and better make it snappy" because it was the skeletal horse of Death.

By: i_am_joe's_spleen

i_am_joe's_spleen — Tue, 03 Oct 2006 19:03:20 -0800

Unfortunately I was not present when one of the Kereopa men rode his horse into the public bar of the Harbourview Hotel in Raglan. History does not record whether he or the horse were served. But I am assured that this happened, and I can confirm that I was very, very drunk there not long after.

By: stbalbach

stbalbach — Tue, 03 Oct 2006 19:20:30 -0800

The article mentions "pickled onion crisps" - what English food(?) s that? I normally think of an onion crisp as an "onion ring" (raw onion ring dipped in batter and fried). Pickled?

By: Citizen Premier

Citizen Premier — Tue, 03 Oct 2006 19:39:13 -0800

...with a donkey and a zebra. The Donkey says "I'll have a beer," the Zebra says "ditto," but the Horse orders a Yager. Then the Donkey goes, "HOLY SHIT, A TALKING HORSE!" dgaicun, your joke made me laugh and then wonder if I was a bad person.

By: vernondalhart

vernondalhart — Tue, 03 Oct 2006 19:46:37 -0800

Citizen Premier, you're not alone. It was hilarious.

By: Holy foxy moxie batman!

Holy foxy moxie batman! — Tue, 03 Oct 2006 20:01:33 -0800

A man, a panda , a horse, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar, and the bartender says "What is this, some kind of joke?"

By: Citizen Premier

Citizen Premier — Tue, 03 Oct 2006 20:09:58 -0800

Incidentally, I slaughtered the name of that particular drink. How do you spell it?

By: Citizen Premier

Citizen Premier — Tue, 03 Oct 2006 20:11:10 -0800

And also incidentally, I need to stop saying incidentally every time I make a second comment.

By: Sk4n

Sk4n — Tue, 03 Oct 2006 20:59:58 -0800

stbalbach - an onion ring is, thankfully, a fairly universal concept and one we should all celebrate. A "crisp" in the UK and Ireland is a "potato chip" in the US. That is all very well, except for the awful abuse that the poor spud is subject to on its way to becoming a crisp. Now we might get the odd Sour Cream 'n' Onion or Extra Cheeze varieties here in the US, but usually it is a breeze to find your good old salted potato chip - ridged or unridged - sitting there in the snack aisle. Over beyond across the pond, however, things are very different. Sinister almost. The pickled onion to which you refer is just another flavo(u)r of our beloved snack. There is, I think, a law in the UK and Ireland (not so stringently enforced in England, but MAN those Irish are strict) that regular salted crisps (chips to you, matey) are banned. You cannot find them, purchase them, or even dream about them. All crisps must be flavou..ok... flavored with cheese & onion, roast beef and mustard, peking duck, smokey bacon or somesuch nonsense. I repeat. There shall be no regular salted crisps. I have recently been able to purchase salt and vinegar chips right here in New York State! Think of the children!

By: Infinite Jest

Infinite Jest — Tue, 03 Oct 2006 21:19:59 -0800

i_am_joe's_spleen: Barry Crump? Came a Hot Friday? Do you know how much mental anguish you're causing me, trying to pick that reference?

By: i_am_joe's_spleen

i_am_joe's_spleen — Tue, 03 Oct 2006 21:36:06 -0800

It is not a reference. I am so gratified.

By: hattifattener

hattifattener — Tue, 03 Oct 2006 21:57:47 -0800

Attempting to mollify Descartes, the bartender asked if he would like some pickled onion crisps with his pint. I think not, said Descartes, and disappeared.

By: punkbitch

punkbitch — Wed, 04 Oct 2006 00:44:47 -0800

these two racehorces are seated at a bar drinking beers. one turns to the other and says "maughan! the craziest shit! today i was at the belmont, in the 4th race and i got this weird tingling sensation in my spine and in my tail and i shot ahead of the field and won by a nose!" the other horse looks over and replies "sal! that's fucking crazy! i was down at the stakes just the other day and got this weird tingling sensation in my spine, my tail and my legs and i shot ahead of everybody and won by a whole length!" a greyhound at the end of the bar, drinking a martini, who's been listening says "holy shit! you guys! i was at the track the other day running and i got this weird tingling sensation in my tail, my spine, my legs -- right up to the tip of my nose -- and i shot ahead and won by a mile! i almost got the fucking rabbit!" and the one horse looks at the other and says: "look. a talking dog"

By: patricio

patricio — Wed, 04 Oct 2006 03:52:24 -0800

What's black and white and drinks like a horse? a zebra.

By: snoktruix

snoktruix — Wed, 04 Oct 2006 04:20:21 -0800

You can't beat a nice quiet English pub with fresh steaming piles of horseshit matted into the carpet.

By: goodnewsfortheinsane

goodnewsfortheinsane — Wed, 04 Oct 2006 08:12:20 -0800

Shit, now I wish I had a second account for making jockey comments.

By: Uther Bentrazor

Uther Bentrazor — Wed, 04 Oct 2006 08:44:05 -0800

How many Jews does it take to screw in a lightbulb?? Wait, what are we talking about again?

By: baker dave

baker dave — Wed, 04 Oct 2006 08:49:59 -0800

An American tourist was driving in County Kerry, when his motor stopped. He got out to see if he could locate the trouble. A voice behind him said, "The trouble is the carburetor." He turned around and only saw an old horse. The horse said again, "It's the carburetor that's not working." The American nearly died with fright, and dashed into the nearest pub, had a large whiskey, and told Murphy the bartender what the horse had said to him. Murphy said, "Well, don't pay any attention to him, he knows nothing about cars anyway." doh

By: gigawhat?

gigawhat? — Wed, 04 Oct 2006 09:33:28 -0800

How many Jews does it take to screw in a lightbulb?? *stamps foot three times*

By: Fezboy!

Fezboy! — Wed, 04 Oct 2006 11:45:23 -0800

... and orders an ale. Bartender asks, "Yawannit dark?" To which the horse replies, "no, make it a pail." got very little

By: dog food sugar

dog food sugar — Wed, 04 Oct 2006 16:09:36 -0800

*Beer commercial weighs in with horse in bar joke via YouTube*

By: Mr Bismarck

Mr Bismarck — Wed, 04 Oct 2006 23:22:04 -0800

Now that you mention it, Smedleyman, I used to have job performing bris on horses. The pay wasn't much, but the tips were huge.

By: Skygazer

Skygazer — Thu, 05 Oct 2006 15:43:19 -0800

The Lone Ranger and Tonto, hot and exhausted from the trail, walk into a bar and sit down to have a beer. After a few minutes a cowboy walks in and, asks "Who owns the big white horse tied up out front?" Expecting a fight, the Lone Ranger stands and says, "That's my horse, Silver. Who are you and why do you want to know?" The cowboy shrugs and says, "I'm just the man telling you that your horse is near death and needs some water." After thanking the cowboy, the Lone Ranger rushes outside with Tonto. Sure enough, Silver is not looking too good. The Lone Ranger gets a bucket of water and pours some of it over the horse and gives him the rest to drink. Feeling the hot stale air, he asks Tonto if he'd run around Silver for a while to create a breeze. Tonto replies, "Can do, Kemosabe," and starts running in circles around Silver. With Silver looking a little better and thinking there wasn't much else he could do, the Lone Ranger ambles back into the bar and sits down. A couple minutes later another cowboy comes in and asks, "Who owns the big white horse tied up outside?" "That'd be me, and my horse's name is Silver. What's wrong now?" The cowboy replies, "Mister, you left your injun running."