G.I. Mary Jane - Afghanistan's Secret Weapon

October 13, 2006 8:41 AM

Canada troops battle 10-foot Afghan marijuana plants - Canadian troops fighting Taliban militants in Afghanistan have stumbled across an unexpected and potent enemy -- almost impenetrable forests of marijuana plants 10 feet tall.
posted by frecklefaerie (73 comments total)

It's just too funny:

A couple of brown plants on the edges of some of those [forests] did catch on fire. But a section of soldiers that was downwind from that had some ill effects and decided that was probably not the right course of action," Hiller said dryly.

posted by frecklefaerie at 8:45 AM on October 13, 2006

One soldier was heard to comment "I'm so wasted, eh?"
posted by ZenMasterThis at 8:54 AM on October 13, 2006 [1 favorite]

In response, the crew of at least one armored car had camouflaged their vehicle with marijuana.

I'm sure that slowly rolling patch of herb stalks bound at the oddest angles looks about as convincing as Bugs Bunny with a piece of shrubbery.

We tried burning them with white phosphorous -- it didn't work

Oh, shucks. It was so effective on the civilian population in Fallujah... too bad they couldn't get their hands on some of that field tested defoliation munition of yore... oh, what was it? Agent... something or another? Silly Canadians need to take some lessons from the professional War Criminals! What kind of shoddy coalition is this?
posted by prostyle at 9:08 AM on October 13, 2006

Another one of the get-rich-quick ideas hatched by Ricky, Julian and Bubbles. I'm sure of it.
posted by runningdogofcapitalism at 9:08 AM on October 13, 2006

well, it's funny now, but just wait until the Republicans use the "October enlistment spike" PR to ride their way into another congressional victory.
posted by arialblack at 9:11 AM on October 13, 2006 [1 favorite]

"had some ill effects"... such as what? laughing uncontrollably? requesting additional meal packets? needing Visine?
posted by clevershark at 9:15 AM on October 13, 2006

Where did I just read somebody who said, "The thing you have to understand is that everyone in Afghanistan is always high"?
posted by dhartung at 9:22 AM on October 13, 2006

In response, the crew of at least one armored car had camouflaged their vehicle with marijuana.

That is the most awesome thing I have ever read.
posted by EarBucket at 9:28 AM on October 13, 2006

Canada troops battle 10-foot Afghan marijuana plants

I wouldn't have pegged marijauna plants for the violent type. Venus Flytrap? Sure. Rose bushes? I could see it. But these plants? I would have thought it would be, "Hey, dude, easy with the phosphorous and the armored trucks. Just have a seat and chill for a while."
posted by pardonyou? at 9:29 AM on October 13, 2006

Sounds like a job for the Royal Vancouver Lit Infantry!

*rimshot*
posted by gompa at 9:32 AM on October 13, 2006

"The power of positive thinking will get us through these fields."
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 9:38 AM on October 13, 2006

This was a pretty easy strain to cultivate. The more attention I paid to it, the worse it did, so I only used a small amount of fertilizer and let the plant do it?s own thing. Good thing I did! The buds were fat and sticky just like the shade leaves. A great high if you like stoning out on the couch and watching some TV!

Is there a different kind of high where you _dont'_ wanna sit on the couch and watch tv? "Man I'm so high, I wanna go down to that soup kitchen and just... volunteer for awhile!!"
posted by rsanheim at 9:49 AM on October 13, 2006

No one else gets a powerful urge to clean the house while stoned? Hell, if it weren't for that, I'd never ever mop.
posted by Vervain at 9:59 AM on October 13, 2006

Is there a different kind of high where you _dont'_ wanna sit on the couch and watch tv?

Yes.
posted by effwerd at 10:00 AM on October 13, 2006

No prob', just fall back, call in some Willy Pete or nape, wait until things aren't so 'splody and whooshy, then stand downwind.
posted by pax digita at 10:01 AM on October 13, 2006

rsanheim said, "Is there a different kind of high where you _dont'_ wanna sit on the couch and watch tv?"

Allegedly there are highs that make you want to stand up and be silly and dance around. Some strains of weed are more "shoegazer" than others.
posted by frecklefaerie at 10:12 AM on October 13, 2006

"Canada troops battle 10-foot Afghan marijuana plants"

I'm probably too old, among other things, to cross the border and enlist now, but I can suggest they adopt the tried and true One Bud At A Time method; perhaps to make the job faster, call in reinforcements from the local populace and maybe other country's troops. Butane lighters and whatever implements the locals might sell/lend/share to help burn the offending matter (hookahs maybe?) should be standard equipment.
posted by davy at 10:13 AM on October 13, 2006

Is there a different kind of high where you _dont'_ wanna sit on the couch and watch tv?

Try a nice Sativa.

The Afghani strain is an excelent Indica.
posted by shnoz-gobblin at 10:13 AM on October 13, 2006

List of strains.
posted by shnoz-gobblin at 10:15 AM on October 13, 2006

pax digita writes "call in some Willy Pete "

They tried white phosphorus with little effect.
posted by Mitheral at 10:17 AM on October 13, 2006

The horror, the horror.

I don't think I would make a good soldier, because if I were confronted with a field of 10 foot high marijuana plants, I would realize that the Afghani people weren't so different than Americans. In some ways, perhaps even better. Then I would probably go AWOL and start a cottage industry shipping it to Amsterdam as a designer form of Afghan bud. Then I would get caught and sent to Levenworth.

So like I said, I would make a bad soldier.

In response, the crew of at least one armored car had camouflaged their vehicle with marijuana.

And were just waiting to get hit by a tracer round.
posted by quin at 10:17 AM on October 13, 2006

Perhaps this is some kind of government conspiracy to unify the wars on terror and the war on drugs.

I'm just sayin'.
posted by ZenMasterThis at 10:21 AM on October 13, 2006

Well, that's what we get when we destroy their poppycrops.
posted by DenOfSizer at 10:23 AM on October 13, 2006

I once camouflaged my jeep as a big fat rolling blueberry bush. But 10 foot tall pot plants...well, that's a true camouflage artist's dream.
posted by taosbat at 10:31 AM on October 13, 2006

For some reason I had an image of ten foot tall triffid-like plants running about holding AK-47s. Maybe calling each other 'dude.'
posted by carter at 10:51 AM on October 13, 2006

They taking orders? You know, for medical purposes...
posted by a3matrix at 10:53 AM on October 13, 2006

rsanheim: Is there a different kind of high where you _dont'_ wanna sit on the couch and watch tv?

Yes. It depends more on the user and less on the 'strain'.
posted by daksya at 11:14 AM on October 13, 2006

Did The Onion take over CNN?
posted by exogenous at 11:14 AM on October 13, 2006

camouflaged their vehicle with marijuana

Whereas crossing the US/Canadian border they took great pains to camouflage marijuana inside their vehicle.

Topsy Turvy world.
posted by CynicalKnight at 11:16 AM on October 13, 2006

I guess they'll just have to smoke the taliban out.
posted by triolus at 11:22 AM on October 13, 2006

In response, the crew of at least one armored car had camouflaged their vehicle with marijuana.

The first thing I thought of was the van from Up In Smoke.
posted by brundlefly at 11:42 AM on October 13, 2006

In related news, the FritoLay plant is running at full capacity in response to requests for overseas Doritos shipments.
posted by ninjew at 12:02 PM on October 13, 2006

triolus wins!
posted by joseph_elmhurst at 12:08 PM on October 13, 2006

It sounds like we should be sending in Special Forces.
posted by mazola at 12:13 PM on October 13, 2006

Maybe a little bit of a derail, but a question for my NA brothers, the Canadians;

What's up with pot up there anyways? I know it's not legal, but isn't it pretty close or something? I remember hearing two years ago that it was almost legalized, but the US threatened to give a wedgie or something and Canada just decided to look the other way when people smoked green instead of decriminalizing it.
posted by Bageena at 12:15 PM on October 13, 2006

Bageena - "I remember hearing two years ago that it was almost legalized, but the US threatened to give a wedgie or something"

Yeah.
posted by daksya at 12:28 PM on October 13, 2006

The original Reuters story has pictures.

From the discussion of this on the Army.ca forums, I was led to a old video clip entitled Royal Marines on LSD.

The efficiency of the rocket launcher team was also very impaired...
posted by Urban Hermit at 12:42 PM on October 13, 2006

Bageena,

think of it as an implicit "don't ask, don't tell" policy. Sure, some cops will hammer you hard for it but others just look the other way.

As a whole we're WAY more relaxed about marijuana up here. IMHO, that's a good thing. I don't use it but I don't believe that it has any real detrimental effects and thus prosecuting it is a huge waste of time/money. There are far more important things for our cops to focus on.

We deffinately would've decriminalized it, if not for Big Brother down south.
posted by C.Batt at 12:57 PM on October 13, 2006

Time for some Paraquat.
posted by caddis at 1:09 PM on October 13, 2006

Rita McNeil, your country needs you


posted by Deep Dish at 1:14 PM on October 13, 2006 [1 favorite]

"had some ill effects"... such as what? laughing uncontrollably? requesting additional meal packets? needing Visine?

The MREs suddenly became tasty.
posted by vanadium at 1:16 PM on October 13, 2006

From the discussion of this on the Army.ca forums, I was led to a old video clip entitled Royal Marines on LSD.

That is wonderful. "What happens if we send the troops on an exercise while they're tripping balls?"

The only legit reason I can think of for that is they were worried the enemy would spray the troops with a cropduster full of acid or something. Otherwise it just looks like the Royal Marines wanted a good laugh.
posted by TheOnlyCoolTim at 1:17 PM on October 13, 2006

Reminds me of the National Lampoon Radio Hour's Impeachment Day Parade:

". . . And here comes the 214th Defoliation Battalion, the 'Fearless Weed Killers'!"
posted by Kirth Gerson at 1:19 PM on October 13, 2006

I wonder who ever thought that giving acid to the guys with the rocket launchers was a good idea...
posted by clevershark at 1:34 PM on October 13, 2006

Repulsive:

"I'm a big Willy Pete man, myself,"
...

"Fortunately we had a good piece of high ground, and we'd fend it off, day after day. . . . The problem was, that's where they lived. At lot of them, we'd kill them and their house was only 10 metres away. So you'd get the wife and kids out there going, 'Oh, you killed my husband! He was innocent!' And I'm going, 'Okay, so the machine gun in his hands right now is what? His innocence?' "

Both soldiers shared a laugh at the anecdote, but the Canadian chuckled with a little less mirth. His platoon's first grape field lay ahead of him.

posted by Chuckles at 1:38 PM on October 13, 2006

I also wonder who ever thought that giving speed to guys in F-16s was a good idea:

One of the issues highlighted by the Inquiry related to the use of "go pills" (amphetamines) in combat. In testimony it was revealed that Schmidt and Umbach were told by their superiors to use "go pills" on their missions, and blamed the incident on the drugs.

posted by Chuckles at 1:43 PM on October 13, 2006

Do not fear, we are now armed with mighty joint!
posted by MiltonRandKalman at 1:48 PM on October 13, 2006

Chuckles, what's repulsive?
posted by Snyder at 2:03 PM on October 13, 2006

I don't mean to be cute or anything, I'm confused as to what you mean.
posted by Snyder at 2:07 PM on October 13, 2006

Shake 'n' Bake is repulsive.
posted by Chuckles at 2:10 PM on October 13, 2006

Hmmm, the impenetrable marijuana field. Why build a wall on our Mexican border when we can grow one?
posted by premortem at 2:19 PM on October 13, 2006

Thinking about it though, the white phosphorus issue is really a superficial concern.. That quote directly acknowledges that these "Taliban" are men fighting around their homes, for their homes and crops. It may not make any sense to you or I that they resist the benevolent American police man, but burning their crops and shooting at them is only going to make more war, more entrenched attitudes..

I do think that positive results are possible in Afghanistan, but..
posted by Chuckles at 2:26 PM on October 13, 2006

Wish I'd read the link before I'd make the Willy Pete crack. Napalm might not even work if diesel and WP didn't. But I guess once the stuff gets dry enough, it just might.

Even better, just legalize everything except Terrorism(tm) and make sure only the law-abidin' Afghans get to crow the cash crops, and we'll all have a great time. Deal with abuse as the public-health issue it really is and stop artificially generating crime with artificial scarcity.
posted by pax digita at 2:32 PM on October 13, 2006

There are so many reasons I wish I was in the Canadian army.
posted by kavasa at 2:33 PM on October 13, 2006

It is also repulsive that in Canada the tactics employed by the Canadian Forces are papered over and ignored; whether it is the transfer of prisoners to the Afghan government, or the use of white phosphorus on the battlefield.

So much easier to criticize American practices in Iraq and pretend you aren't complicit, I guess..
posted by Chuckles at 2:38 PM on October 13, 2006

posted by kirkaracha at 2:58 PM on October 13, 2006

Chuckles - I know the Afghan prisoner transfer agreement is flawed, but what would you have the CF do? They don't have the personnel to deal with large numbers of prisoners over the long term. We are talking here about rebels against the Afghan government. What else should be done with them?
posted by Urban Hermit at 3:00 PM on October 13, 2006

"If Gange is with us , who can be against us?"

Chong 3:14
posted by wavespy at 3:37 PM on October 13, 2006

I love the smell of na... Hey! Wait a minute! That's not napalm!
posted by mmrtnt at 4:53 PM on October 13, 2006

posted by monju_bosatsu at 6:30 PM on October 13, 2006

So, let me get this straight. The Taliban are fascist religionists who don’t like anything, and the Bushco zealots are quasi-religious crypto fascists who don’t like anything. Then there’s this impenetrable marijuana forest....
posted by Huplescat at 6:33 PM on October 13, 2006 [1 favorite]

Smoke 'em out boys.
posted by furtive at 6:36 PM on October 13, 2006

Is there a different kind of high where you _dont'_ wanna sit on the couch and watch tv?

Yes, there's the one where you smoke up a nice bit of bubble hash and then fuck like a deranged bunny for the next couple hours. Mmmm, yah.

And the music-listening kind. Pink Floyd gets so damn good it's unholy.

The kind of stone you get depends on the balance of THC and CBDs/other precursors. IIRC, this is influenced by several factors: varietial (Indica vs Sativa), harvest time (clear trichromes vs. cloudy vs. amber; clear = head high, amber = couchlock), and curing.

Be responsible.
posted by five fresh fish at 7:05 PM on October 13, 2006

Also, it appears we need to send in our BC boys. "Some ill effects," indeed! To shame!
posted by five fresh fish at 7:10 PM on October 13, 2006

Pink Floyd gets so damn good it's unholy.

"Animals" in particular!
posted by zarah at 7:47 PM on October 13, 2006

Pink Floyd only truly comes alive with the orange sunshine; alas, it's all polluted now.
posted by taosbat at 8:01 PM on October 13, 2006

16 years after the Soviets pulled out of Afghanistan, and yet still finding the KGB in their way.
posted by NewBornHippy at 11:06 PM on October 13, 2006 [1 favorite]

I love the smell of napalm and reefer in the morning.
posted by three blind mice at 11:54 PM on October 13, 2006

Canada troops battle 10-foot Afghan marijuana plants.

So who won?
posted by sour cream at 1:57 AM on October 14, 2006

Off-Topic
Hey Blazecock, I see Springsteen, but who else is in the picture? And where's it from?
posted by cdadog at 10:47 AM on October 14, 2006

cdadog: It's a picture from Trailer Park Boys.
posted by furtive at 11:42 AM on October 14, 2006

Finally, the military has found one way to entice me to enlist.
posted by crunchland at 12:24 PM on October 14, 2006

(For some reason I find myself laughing extremely hard at Huplescat's comment. Maybe the Trees of Green can bring all together...)
posted by The Salaryman at 9:12 PM on October 14, 2006