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I use The Google on The Internets
October 23, 2006 5:10 PM   Subscribe

Bush says he uses "The Google."
posted by patr1ck (138 comments total) 2 users marked this as a favorite

 
Wow, great find!
posted by thirteenkiller at 5:13 PM on October 23, 2006


My mom called me to tell me about this fifteen minutes after I'd explained to her why I'd called it "the internets".
posted by interrobang at 5:14 PM on October 23, 2006


I got the woods to sell on the internets, which is a set of tubes you watch with the Google !
posted by elpapacito at 5:17 PM on October 23, 2006


Which tubes take me to the Google?
posted by arcticwoman at 5:19 PM on October 23, 2006 [1 favorite]


this is unfair. he said "the". big deal.

how about we make fun of the mistakes he's made that really matter, such as being a complete failure of a president?
posted by StrasbourgSecaucus at 5:19 PM on October 23, 2006 [3 favorites]


The Google is made up of a series of YouTubes.
posted by ZachsMind at 5:19 PM on October 23, 2006


Fucker doesnt even use "the google", he actually uses "the google maps".

republicans are stupids
posted by tsarfan at 5:19 PM on October 23, 2006


Someone link to his ranch on the google, pls.
posted by found missing at 5:20 PM on October 23, 2006


the double true
posted by StrasbourgSecaucus at 5:21 PM on October 23, 2006


bush ranch
posted by StrasbourgSecaucus at 5:22 PM on October 23, 2006


how about we make fun of the mistakes he's made that really matter, such as being a complete failure of a president?

Because then we would have to take responsibility for our continued enabling of his presidency.
posted by arcticwoman at 5:23 PM on October 23, 2006 [2 favorites]


Oh come on, don't be so mean with George ! I bet a lot of the people of his generation don't really use computers that much..it is excusable. What is hardly excusable is that he still think he talks with Jesus or something...now that's really lame.
posted by elpapacito at 5:24 PM on October 23, 2006


Maybe our spy satellites aren't that good?
posted by smackfu at 5:24 PM on October 23, 2006


Thanks! He's right; it is fun to kinda look at the ranch. I see that big lake he made for bass fishin'
posted by found missing at 5:27 PM on October 23, 2006


he talks with Jesus

Don't mess with The Jesus!

I think he should use the Youtubes on the Google to find out that he actually did say "stay the course," like, last week.
posted by emjaybee at 5:27 PM on October 23, 2006


Of course he's up on the internets! He's never been a "stay the course" kind of guy, you know, he's doing all sort of new things.
posted by clevershark at 5:28 PM on October 23, 2006


It’s very interesting to see — I’ve forgot the name of the program — but you get the satellite, and you can — like, I kinda like to look at the ranch. It remind me of where I wanna be sometimes.

Oh, if only he knew just how many people want him to be at that ranch right now, and preferebly for the next couple of years...
posted by clevershark at 5:30 PM on October 23, 2006


He can make his way through the intertubes to the Google and find his ranch...maybe he should try googling for the OBL or Saddam's WMD?
posted by taosbat at 5:31 PM on October 23, 2006


"how about we make fun of the mistakes he's made that really matter, such as being a complete failure of a president?"

I am so tired of making fun of his failure at governing this nation. I'm from Texas. I was making fun of his failure at governing fruited plains and amber waves of grains when he governed us.

I'm so over that. It's more fun to make fun of him in a myriad menagerie of ways. Ya gotta mix it up so it don't get redundant and boring.
posted by ZachsMind at 5:32 PM on October 23, 2006


on't mess with The Jesus!

Oh thanks for worrying, but I am not delusional. Unfortunately George seems to be and..that's not really that good for a leader of State
posted by elpapacito at 5:32 PM on October 23, 2006


LOL BUSH IZ TEH DUMBAZZ
posted by LarryC at 5:33 PM on October 23, 2006


taosbat : it is NOT ok to make fun of WMD, if a good thing can be said of George is that he _never_ took them lightly.
posted by elpapacito at 5:38 PM on October 23, 2006


On the one hand, this post sucks. On that same hand, how else would Internet meme's get started?
posted by found missing at 5:41 PM on October 23, 2006


I beg your pardon, elpapacito (and the Secret Service, too); and, to show my heart is in the right place: I now have much greater confidence the GWB can find his ass with both hands and a little googlefu.
posted by taosbat at 5:44 PM on October 23, 2006


For once can we just fucking lay off him? He's someone's uncool dad too for goodness sake.
posted by fire&wings at 5:44 PM on October 23, 2006 [1 favorite]


It's really not any dumber than using "Googling" as a verb.
posted by gyc at 5:44 PM on October 23, 2006


Or plural's made by apostophe's?
posted by Astro Zombie at 5:45 PM on October 23, 2006 [1 favorite]


In response to a follow-up question, the President clarified that, no, the googles do nothing.
posted by cortex at 5:52 PM on October 23, 2006 [1 favorite]


If only Ann Richards were still around. I'd love to hear her take on Junior: "Poor George, he can't help it. He...."
posted by ericb at 5:55 PM on October 23, 2006


My girlfriend and I have made a joke of using YouTube as a verb. I.e., "...why don't you YouTube it?" Ridiculous, I know. I guess that's what happens with monopolies. Band-Aid becomes synonomous with small, sticky bandages, etc. Bush's faux pas isn't uncommon--it's generational. My mother (66 yrs. old) says shit like "Those queer-eyed guys, with the eyes?" Big fan of cable reruns ...
posted by HerArchitectLover at 5:55 PM on October 23, 2006 [1 favorite]


Those queer-eyed guys, with the eyes?

You might have redeemed this thread.
posted by found missing at 5:58 PM on October 23, 2006


It's really not any dumber than using "Googling" as a verb.

Well, the Oxford English Dictionary has no problem with it being used as a verb. They officially added it as a verb to the OED on June 15, 2006. It was also added to the 11th edition of the Merriam-Webster Collegiate Dictionary in July 2006.
posted by ericb at 5:58 PM on October 23, 2006


*proper OED link*
posted by ericb at 6:01 PM on October 23, 2006


I kinda like to look at the ranch. It remind me of where I wanna be sometimes.

... please don't let us stop you.
posted by madamjujujive at 6:06 PM on October 23, 2006


I bet a lot of the people of his generation don't really use computers that much..it is excusable.

it is excusable for any number of people of his generation, but for a state leader--a world leader--I expect a bit more. in comparison, I did (err, attempted) a crossword puzzle today from Will Shortz' Favorite Sunday Crosswords that was themed around technology. in his commentary Shortz mentions that a coupla days after the puzzle was published President Clinton referenced it in a meeting on technology. I can't imagine GW Bush doing crosswords, let alone making logical jumps from word games to the topic of technology. he gets zero points for knowing that The Google exists--at his operational level he should be well past that.

so, to blow this post and my comment way out of proportion while hopefully keeping partisan politics out of it, I'll say that this little video is another mark against voting dullards into office. I want savvy leadership, not this dumbass.
posted by carsonb at 6:08 PM on October 23, 2006 [2 favorites]


In his defense, it was a typo. The reporter should have quoted it as, "I us3d teh g00glex0rz!!!1!1"
posted by arto at 6:11 PM on October 23, 2006 [1 favorite]


I bet a lot of the people of his generation don't really use computers that much..it is excusable.

Ahem...you are speaking of my generation, which invented the intert00bs.
posted by taosbat at 6:12 PM on October 23, 2006 [2 favorites]


Maybe he could use it to find some of those North Korean nuclear test sites which his people are so fond of.
posted by homunculus at 6:17 PM on October 23, 2006


I don't care if the President can use the internet, it's not really essentially or useful to his job. He needs to be able to appoint people who can use the internet, and he needs to the intelligence and knowledge to do something with their advice, he needs to be up to know what's going on in the world, but all of that can be accomplished without using the internet. The fact that this President can't do those things has nothing to do with his inability to use the internet

Hell, given the crap that's on the internet I'd kind of like it better if he just ignored it. The prospect of a Presidency informed by Wikipedia and Slashdot threads scares me just a little.

Don't make the mistake of assuming that because you rely on something, that everyone should or can't work without it. It'll be a while before we have a President who is really comfortable with computers, and that's fine.
posted by Bulgaroktonos at 6:18 PM on October 23, 2006


He gives me a gallupping case of The Googles every time he opens his mouth.
posted by leftcoastbob at 6:18 PM on October 23, 2006


...and rock 'n roll...
posted by taosbat at 6:19 PM on October 23, 2006


Yup, taosbat, you and I are from the same generation as that googling guy.
posted by leftcoastbob at 6:21 PM on October 23, 2006


And, that googling guy is giving our generation a black eye we'll wear for all time.
posted by taosbat at 6:24 PM on October 23, 2006


The Google
posted by brain_drain at 6:27 PM on October 23, 2006


So, what is this "google"? Anyone got a link?
posted by zoinks at 6:36 PM on October 23, 2006


People try to put us down
(Talkin' 'bout my generation)
Just because we get around
(Talkin' 'bout my generation)


Well, YOUR generation, not mine.
posted by evilcolonel at 6:36 PM on October 23, 2006


They have the google on computers nowdays?
posted by oxford blue at 6:38 PM on October 23, 2006


I've used the google.
posted by blacklite at 6:49 PM on October 23, 2006


"and Bush says, 'A googol? Are there that many people in Brazil?'"

...wait, no, I told it wrong...
posted by Hogshead at 6:52 PM on October 23, 2006


...Things they do look awful cold...I hope I die before I get old...Why don't y'all just f-fade away...

...just a hippie Gypsy...really...not tryin' to cause a big sensation...

Then this SOB, GWB, brings it all home on me.
posted by taosbat at 6:52 PM on October 23, 2006


Is it just me or does "The Google" sound like some kind of zany man-creature who goes around causing mischief (kind of like The Noid)?
posted by Stauf at 6:54 PM on October 23, 2006 [1 favorite]


And, that googling guy is giving our generation a black eye we'll wear for all time.
posted by taosbat


I refuse to take responsibility for that piece of shit holding office. I say that we blame it on the 20-something slackers.

The people from my generation with whom I associate with are still able to google. All. Night. Long.
posted by leftcoastbob at 6:55 PM on October 23, 2006


This reminds me of his father's fascination with the price scanners at the supermarket. In a way that was actually worse, as it showed that GHWB hadn't been shopping in over a decade and was thus quite out of touch with his constituency on the day to day issues in their lives.
posted by caddis at 6:58 PM on October 23, 2006


Guys, guys. Please, c'mon! This is the President of the United States we're taling about. The leader of the free world! He's not so stupid as to think that it's acceptable to use the definite article infront of a noun. He was trying to use 'Google' as a pronoun, wherein it is acceptable to use 'The' infront of it. He was probably trying to say "I like to use the google maps web service to view my massive ranch in Crawford" but was interrupted with that woman's inane laughing.

On second thought, nah, he's the dumbass.
posted by Effigy2000 at 7:00 PM on October 23, 2006


My issue here isn't so much that he referred to it as the google, but rather that he seems fascinated by google earth... This is the president of the united states, doesn't he have access to satellites that can get him even closer to that ranch he longs for?
posted by jrb223 at 7:08 PM on October 23, 2006


I refuse to take responsibility for that piece of shit holding office. I say that we blame it on the 20-something slackers.

I'd sure like to; but, my 20-something slacker has been to Iraq twice. In 2004, he sent in his absentee ballot from Baghdad with the presidentials overwritten "NO GOOD CHOICES!"

He's idealistic enough, he hoped at least one person, whoever opened the ballot, got that.

Heck, my mom, who bought my first computer so we could IM, is still able to google. All. Night. Long. eBay, too, big time.

Rock on.
posted by taosbat at 7:11 PM on October 23, 2006 [1 favorite]


That's not a ranch, but I guess "multi-million dollar estate" doesn't have the same folksy charm.
posted by 2sheets at 7:13 PM on October 23, 2006


Not to mention that this life-long rancher bought his Crawford ranch... in 1999. The place probably has "new ranch smell" all over it.

But people should lay off Bush, really. The man hasn't taken a decision since asking Dick Cheney to chair his "VP search committee".
posted by clevershark at 7:15 PM on October 23, 2006


He's idealistic enough, he hoped at least one person, whoever opened the ballot, got that.

Well...and me, he wanted to make sure I got the message.
posted by taosbat at 7:15 PM on October 23, 2006


i thought the point of that was that he spends his time looking at his ranch on google earth. like, of all things in the world? and he doesn't spend enough time there in real life?
posted by amethysts at 7:26 PM on October 23, 2006


"The Google"
posted by misterbrandt at 7:31 PM on October 23, 2006


The man hasn't taken a decision since asking Dick Cheney to chair his "VP search committee".

Holy crap, that's actually true! Don't know how i missed that gem. thanks, clevershark.
posted by misterbrandt at 7:33 PM on October 23, 2006


Well, we know he doesn't read newspapers, but he enjoys reading books.
posted by ericb at 7:34 PM on October 23, 2006


This google, it does nawthing.
posted by blue_beetle at 7:44 PM on October 23, 2006


Karl Rove uses the Diebold.
posted by digaman at 7:59 PM on October 23, 2006


What Exactly Is President Bush’s Job?
posted by homunculus at 8:03 PM on October 23, 2006


Why the fuck does he need to use Google Maps instead of, like, a US Spy Satellite? Or just have some dude go fly over it and take a picture then send it to him? He's the fuckin' PRESIDENT man!!
posted by papakwanz at 8:04 PM on October 23, 2006


I think it's important to make fun of the president. As often as possible. No matter who he is. Particularly if you respect him.
...that last bit doesn't apply here, but still...
posted by Smedleyman at 8:08 PM on October 23, 2006


*kicks a republican*

Seriously, why is this still here?
posted by monju_bosatsu at 8:08 PM on October 23, 2006


Seriously, why is this still here?
posted by monju_bosatsu


Why is what still here? The internets?
posted by leftcoastbob at 8:15 PM on October 23, 2006


Why the fuck does he need to use Google Maps instead of, like, a US Spy Satellite?

I'm pretty sure it's a mite bit easier to open the Google than it is to summon some military dudes that know how to use the satellites. You're inadvertently making the "why do I need the internet, I have a phone book" argument.
posted by dhammond at 8:17 PM on October 23, 2006


On the other hand, I would bet on Al Gore being able to buy a computer as parts, put it together, install an operating system, and get onto the internet, with no more help than that gotten from searching Google with another computer for instructions. In fact, I would like to see him do that on TV, or YouTube, while delivering a monologue on the importance of understanding what things are and how they work before making decisions about them.

By comparison, whatever turkey the Repugs put up in 2008 probably wouldn't be able to put together a Star Wars Lego Millenium Falcon without a team of industry lobbyists and congressional pages.
posted by aeschenkarnos at 8:18 PM on October 23, 2006 [1 favorite]


I would bet on Al Gore being able to buy a computer as parts, put it together, install an operating system...

Awww, that's cute.
posted by dhammond at 8:24 PM on October 23, 2006


dhammond: No, I'm using the "I'm the freakin' PRESIDENT! I can do whatever the fuck I want!" argument. As we have seen, this argument is the basis for most legislation and foreign policy.
posted by papakwanz at 8:34 PM on October 23, 2006


If he replied that he didn't use the google and that he preferred to use his access to high level satellite images everyone would be decrying his misuse of his position. This seems like a pretty inocuous thing to get so riled up about. Oh, and by all means keep telling us how cool you are.
posted by geekyguy at 8:35 PM on October 23, 2006


On the other hand, I would bet on Al Gore being able to buy a computer as parts, put it together, install an operating system, and get onto the internet, with no more help than that gotten from searching Google with another computer for instructions.

No he wouldn't. He's a Mac user.
posted by gyc at 8:38 PM on October 23, 2006


everyone would be decrying his misuse of his position

Well, duh. We do hate the man.
posted by smackfu at 8:46 PM on October 23, 2006


Don't mess with the Texas!
posted by obvious at 8:52 PM on October 23, 2006


Googulear
posted by jaronson at 9:01 PM on October 23, 2006


My friend's dad once asked, "How does the Google know?"

The article is fairly commonly used in error, particularly by those that English as a second language.

No he wouldn't. He's a Mac user.

So what? I know a few Mac users who can buy a computer in parts, put it together, and get on the Internet(s). Being a Mac user does not automatically mean x,y,z, nor does being a Linux user, etc.
posted by juiceCake at 9:06 PM on October 23, 2006


It's not like putting together a computer from parts is actually hard. Just stick things in the right slots and hook up the right wires. It's even easier these days.
posted by delmoi at 9:09 PM on October 23, 2006


Bulgaroktonos writes "The prospect of a Presidency informed by Wikipedia and Slashdot threads scares me just a little."

When I announce my candidacy here, I expect at least some support! I'll wear a MeFi t-shirt at that presidential pancake flipping thing and everything! And I read Slashdot via Alterslash... that ought to get me 10 or so votes.
posted by VulcanMike at 9:11 PM on October 23, 2006


how about we make fun of the mistakes he's made that really matter, such as being a complete failure of a president?

I've got this system going where I make fun of him for saying things like "The Google" in passing, on my way to laughing along in a more committed way with jokes made about his extraordinary failures as a president, all of which is an elaborate coping mechanism for living in a world in which smug, pious, know-nothing punks like him front for evil, short-sighted greedheads and shallow ideologues who are raping and pillaging the planet and financing it with bogus cheques written against a second mortgage on my daughter's future.

Is that okay?
posted by gompa at 9:21 PM on October 23, 2006 [2 favorites]


Well, at least he didn't say he Asks Jeeves.
posted by mazola at 9:28 PM on October 23, 2006


I'm using the "I'm the freakin' PRESIDENT! I can do whatever the fuck I want!" argument.

Seriously, it's fucking cool that you can get to Google Earth in a minute. This isn't about collecting data, it's about finding something interesting. On the internets. Even someone like the President can appreciate that.

Sorry to interrupt your Bush rant.
posted by dhammond at 9:33 PM on October 23, 2006


Does he play "the hockeys? Or the racing cars"?
posted by PenDevil at 9:37 PM on October 23, 2006


I'm getting into my intertube and geting off the Googlearth!
posted by empatterson at 10:08 PM on October 23, 2006


I know a few Mac users who can buy a computer in parts, put it together, and get on the Internet(s).

/raises hand.
posted by namespan at 10:15 PM on October 23, 2006


And, that googling guy is giving our generation a black eye we'll wear for all time.

Very true, with all the support and thanks primarily to these who voted him in the place. I don't mean to say youngers or elders would do better with the next prez, but chrissake how hard is it to pass the info "we have been buttfucked this way" to the next gen ? Do something good , at least once !
posted by elpapacito at 6:50 AM on October 24, 2006


By comparison, whatever turkey the Repugs put up in 2008 probably wouldn't be able to put together a Star Wars Lego Millenium Falcon without a team of industry lobbyists and congressional pages.

Dude, I have absolutely no love or respect for these goons - and I can build a computer in my sleep. But those big Lego kits are a stone bitch. I have a Star Wars addicted six year old - and the 3000+ piece Millenium Star Destroyer took me 13 hours to put together! Hiring contractors to build those things wouldn't be such a bad idea.
posted by Benny Andajetz at 6:59 AM on October 24, 2006


On the other hand, I would bet on Al Gore being able to buy a computer as parts, put it together, install an operating system, and get onto the internet

I heard that Al Gore once built a computer entirely from components out of an old universal remote.

I heard that Al Gore once designed his own CPU and built it from toast and aluminum tinfoil.

I heard that Al Gore once networked with a government sattelite using an old telegraph system and a walkie talkie.

Oh wait, maybe I'm thinking of MacGuyver...
posted by muddgirl at 7:00 AM on October 24, 2006


I heard Al Gore talks with burps too !
posted by elpapacito at 7:16 AM on October 24, 2006


Yes, the Al Gore is quite the guy. He's the Chuck Norris's tech support.
posted by clevershark at 7:23 AM on October 24, 2006


Does a guy in so much shit of world-screwing proportions happening right now actually putz around with google maps? "Dude! There's the ranch! Honey, come look!"

Or do you suppose the president has "lessons in real life" sessions in which they teach him about stuff like google, just to keep him sounding like the sort of regular guy who regular guys vote for?
posted by pracowity at 7:24 AM on October 24, 2006



Nothing says metafilter like the impotent rage of a bush porn circle jerk.
posted by srboisvert at 7:26 AM on October 24, 2006


how about we make fun of the mistakes he's made that really matter, such as being a complete failure of a president?

because Iraq is BORING! and talking about it actually makes people more jaded and BORED by it! making fun of a 60 year old who can't use a computer (an extremely rare phenomenon, I'm sure, Bush has got to be the only 60 year old in the world who doesn't get the Internet thing, all the people his age usually make Steve Jobs look like a lam3r) is instead TEH FUNNAY

hence:

IRAQ = BORING
"THE GOOGLE" = TEH FUNNAY ROFLOL WOULD MAKE FUN AGAIN AAA+++

I kinda like to look at the ranch. It remind me of where I wanna be sometimes.


on a reality TV show set?
posted by matteo at 7:32 AM on October 24, 2006


The article is fairly commonly used in error, particularly by those that English as a second language.
posted by juiceCake


I've heard that English is his native language.

Nothing says metafilter like the impotent rage of a bush porn circle jerk.
posted by srboisvert


It's my right as an American citizen to make fun of our (s)elected leaders. Old, old joke: An American and a Russian were talking about their respective countries. The American said, "The difference between our countries is that I have free speech rights and you don't. I am able to stand in front of the White House and yell, 'Ronald Reagan is a stupid idiot!' and nothing will happen to me." The Russian replied, "It's the same in my country. I can stand in front of the Kremlin and yell, 'Ronald Reagan is a stupid idiot!' and nothing will happen to me, either."

Ah, I remember those days fondly.
posted by leftcoastbob at 7:41 AM on October 24, 2006


srboisvert writes "Nothing says metafilter like the impotent rage of a bush porn circle jerk."

That, or the sheer smugness of calling out people for being immature, especially when using a masturbation reference.

We get it srboisvert. You're better than us. You may now display your well-earned sense of self-satisfaction. Congrats!
posted by clevershark at 7:43 AM on October 24, 2006


Bah, he knows it's 'Google', this is more of his awshucks crap he uses to appeal to rural voters in red states.
posted by BuzzKill at 8:05 AM on October 24, 2006 [1 favorite]


The Bush said this?
posted by Smedleyman at 8:23 AM on October 24, 2006


In Buffalo, people search Google's, buy crap on Ebay's, and watch videos on YouTube's.
posted by elmwood at 8:28 AM on October 24, 2006


In his defense, it was a typo. The reporter should have quoted it as, "I us3d teh g00glex0rz!!!1!1"

For some reason - possibly because I had to be at work 2 hours early today - but this made me laugh on a continuous basis.
posted by ORthey at 8:31 AM on October 24, 2006


I don't care if the President can use the internet,

The problem being dependency on other, typically unelected, people to do it for him, tell him what's going on, what it all means, and what he should do about it. Not good. Do you suppose Mr Rove knows how to google for information? Did anyone vote for Mr Rove?
posted by scheptech at 8:35 AM on October 24, 2006


Bet he aint using firefox.
posted by econous at 8:35 AM on October 24, 2006


The google, it vibrates?
posted by If I Had An Anus at 8:44 AM on October 24, 2006


scheptech: Good point about unelected, appointed officials using the Google!

Do we really want activist judges using the google to undermine the voice of the people?
posted by papakwanz at 8:53 AM on October 24, 2006


For all the crap theorizing that "he's not stupid; it's just an act", this is the one time I can see it being deliberate.
posted by dreamsign at 8:55 AM on October 24, 2006


dhammond: Sorry to interrupt your Bush rant.

More like a "Bush joke" than a "Bush rant."
posted by papakwanz at 8:56 AM on October 24, 2006


I also kinda like to use the google to fly my lil plane around the White House. It remind me of when Auntie used to feed me the cereals.
posted by If I Had An Anus at 9:10 AM on October 24, 2006


Which ranch was he talking about, the one in Crawford or the 98,000 acre one in Paraguay he plans on running off too after he finishes bankrupting America?
posted by daHIFI at 9:28 AM on October 24, 2006


Hi! My name is Keith, I'm 17, and I am the most powerful person on the planet. I know I'm not much to look at with my acne problems or my slight paunch, but please believe me when I say that I can have a half dozen Federal agents kicking down the door to your house in about an hour.

How, you ask? Simple! Unlike what you're read on those left-wing websites like Kos or MoveOn or Metafilter, I'm actually the guy that pulls President Bush's strings. Yeah, me. Not Cheney or Haliburton or Moon Men or whatever, but me, a freshman at Georgetown.

You see, I'm the guy that first introduced the President to 'the internets'. I was an intern working at the White House last summer. My Dad's a lobbyist for a company that I'd best leave nameless - although I control the President, Dad controls my tuition funds - and he was able to hook me up with the gig at the White House.

I wasn't sure what I was going to be doing. According to West Wing, I thought my days would be spent talking very fast and making passioned pleas on behalf of causes nobody cared about. I also thought about searching for that giant wheel of cheese (I found it, but that's another story).

I was wrong, of course. Since I have a pretty strong background in computers - I build my own desktops and help out my CS clan in customizing theirs - I ended up working with White House IT Support. It was a pretty easy job. I staffed a 'Help Phone' and answered questions all day. Sometimes I'd help out with upgrades.

One day, I got a call. I wasn't sure what the caller wanted - he sounded confused as to the nature of the 'Help Phone' in the first place. He just kept mumbling something about looking up baseball scores. I really didn't want to spend the time explaining that the 'Help Phone' was for computer-related help, not baseball-related trivia, but the caller was pretty insistent, so I fired up Google and was able to look up the Texas Rangers 1990 ERA or something.

The caller thanked me and hung up.

Pretty soon, I was getting three or four calls a shift from this caller, each time asking about baseball scores, stats, news, and so on. I couldn't tell who it was because the number was blocked. After the fifth call in an hour, I'd pretty much had it. "Listen!" I said, "You can find all this stuff on the internet, so you don't need to keep calling me!"

"The In-tern-nets?"

"Yeah. Just google what you're looking for and you're all set!"

"I don't know how to do that. Please come show me."

"Uh, okay," I said, "But I don't know where your office is."

"Son, it's the big oval one at the center of the building! Now get down here and show me the scores!"

I was of course white as a sheet and covered with sweat by the time I found my way to the Oval Office. I had to pass through like five security checkpoints and answer the same questions over and over again. Yes, the President was expecting me. No, I'm not sure why. Yes, I'll keep it brief.

President Bush himself is a pretty nice guy. He had set up his laptop on a desk by the door (not The Desk you see on TV, but one with actual papers on it and a snowglobe from Maine). He just sort of gestured at the computer for a bit saying "Show me the scores!"

So I fired up his computer, had him log in, (password: laura69 - don't worry, it's changed by now) and showed him the MLB site where I had been getting all his baseball scores from. "See, you can just look up whatever you want."

He really didn't seem like he wanted to actually touch the computer, though. He just hovered over my shoulder and told me to 'move down' or 'click that' for a half hour. Our time ended when there was a knock at the door and a bunch of guys in suits filed in. They looked at me funny, but the President ignored it and just said, "Good work, Keith. See you back here tomorrow. Same time."

So for the next month or so I would be escorted into the Oval Office every day at 3:30. I would log into the computer, sit down, and websurf at the pleasure of the President. He never looked for anything that wasn't baseball-related, though. One time, I showed him Google News and he got all sullen and withdrawn after seeing a headline about his declining popularity. I thought he might have started to cry if he didn't spot the link for 'Fantasy Baseball'.

"What's that?" he asked.

"Just some fantasy baseball league," I said, "You get to manage an imaginary team of players and compete against other managers. The program tracks each players stats so you know who's winning."

His eye must have got the size of saucers. He completely forgot his previous aversion to touching the computer and almost shoved me aside to start clicking around. "This is great!" he said, but it was 4 and I had to go.

The next day, when I came into the office, the President was a changed man. He was all smiles and was practically dancing about the Oval Office. "Keith! Keith! Look what I did!"

He pointed to the computer and to my amazement he had not only logged himself in, but he had found the fantasy baseball site AND had started his own league!

"Once we get some more people to join, we can start to play!" he crowed. "You'll join, right? I've been waiting all night but I think everyong on the internets has been asleep."

The look in his eyes was heartbreaking. I remember the same look when my little brother got his first bike for Christmas. It had snowed the night before, so there was no way he could ride around on it, but he was just so excited that that little detail never registered.

"Uh, of course I'll join, Mr.President. All you need to do is invite me."

"Then you're invited!"

"No, I mean on the computer. Here. I'll send the invitation." After I sent it, I asked him if there was anyone else he wanted me to invite. He listed off a bunch of names at me, most of them nicknames or first names. He was so excited and impatient I couldn't tell him I had no idea who those people were and that I needed email names for each of them. So I just created a bunch of dummy Gmail accounts, each matching up with a name he gave me.

I told him his league, "tEh Capital Rangres" (President Bush is an, uh, impatient typist) was all ready to go. I was worried that he'd actually talk to one of the people he thought was playing about the game and find out about my deception, which would mean I'd probably lose these afternoon rap sessions with the President (My Dad, having heard about these was now paying me an extra thousand bucks a day to make sure I mention the company he lobbied for daily). I suggested that tEh Capital Rangres be a secret team that players would only discuss online. We wouldn't want the media finding out or Heads of State getting all snippy because they were not invited. After I showed him how to send messages to other players via the system, he agreed.

And that's how I took over the United States. Over time, I was able to figure out who each of the other players was supposed to be. Throughthe fantasy baseball program, I was able to directly communicate "in secret" with the President as any one of his closest advisors. Sure, it took me a bit to get it just right, which explains the President's strange behavior over the past few months (inviting Colbert was my idea), but I think it was worth it.

I don't even need to go into the White House anymore. Now I'm in college, I just have to log in every day, update my various teams rosters, and suggest a dramatic change in policy. Last week I had T1rdblsm post that "Stay the course was 4 lamerz" and this morning I saw the reply, "LOL Totally" in my inbox.

I'm aware how tenuous my hold over the President is, though. All it takes is a miss-click on his part to open up cnn.com or Google News and it's all over for me. But I'll worry about that when the time comes. For now, I'll be basking in the keyhole satellie images of Scarlett Johansson sunbathing nude that the President has been sending out under the subject "Condi Pls Ignore - Wepons of Mass Seduction!!!1"
posted by robocop is bleeding at 10:04 AM on October 24, 2006 [38 favorites]


Thanks, IIHAA, did anyone manage to land it? Crashing is fun!

Geez, daHIFI, I'm always learning something on MeFi. I wonder if it will turn out to be true?

I asked the Great Twingine about Paraguay. It looks like the advance party went in last Wednesday (I have never visited eihter of these sites before; I did not tell NoScript to allow either even for a second; and, I suggest a 'Shields Up' approach.):

http://beeradvocate.com/news/stories_read/f-846468

Here's how to get your own piece:

http://www.escapeartist.com/paraguay/paraguay.htm

On Preview: robocop is bleeding, what have you done?
posted by taosbat at 10:28 AM on October 24, 2006


The article is fairly commonly used in error, particularly by those that English as a second language.
posted by juiceCake

I've heard that English is his native language.


That was, of course, my point. I suspect that's why people find it amusing.
posted by juiceCake at 10:49 AM on October 24, 2006


That, or the sheer smugness of calling out people for being immature, especially when using a masturbation reference.


I a bit surprised that I am getting called out for mocking metafilter in a thread mocking a grammar mistake but I can accept it. You join a circle you get hit with the splatter.
posted by srboisvert at 10:56 AM on October 24, 2006


You know what would be REALLY annoying, though?

If he said "The Batman."

It's just "Batman," George!!
posted by papakwanz at 11:01 AM on October 24, 2006 [1 favorite]


I thought he used a Higher Google.
posted by Rumple at 11:07 AM on October 24, 2006


robocop is bleeding -- that made my day! Bravo!
posted by ericb at 11:14 AM on October 24, 2006


Bush has given the Internets so many great phrases (I almost said 'memes', there). Watch for use of the phrase "the Google" to go supernova over the next few days.
posted by reklaw at 11:20 AM on October 24, 2006



Ahhh... that explains everything! (Well... not everything).
posted by PetBoogaloo at 11:35 AM on October 24, 2006


Stay the course!
posted by nofundy at 11:40 AM on October 24, 2006


Which ranch was he talking about, the one in Crawford or the 98,000 acre one in Paraguay he plans on running off to after he finishes bankrupting America?

Ah, remember the good old days when it was the South American strongmen buying land up north as a refuge from their downtrodden countrymen?
posted by GrammarMoses at 12:09 PM on October 24, 2006


Heckuva job, google.
posted by Mister_A at 12:28 PM on October 24, 2006


robocop is bleeding - dude, is that...is that true?
posted by Smedleyman at 12:46 PM on October 24, 2006


...how else would Internet meme's get started?

And, they're off!

CNET: George Bush meets the Google.
posted by ericb at 1:18 PM on October 24, 2006


He uses "the" before nouns in much the same way I've heard older folks say they are watching "the television" instead of simply "television". There's probably a linguistic study in there that would reveal more.

But his use of "the google" only reinforces that perception that he is entirely cut off from any outside reality and thus basking in the vibrations of his administration's echo chamber.
posted by quadog at 1:45 PM on October 24, 2006


I think it's kinda sweet.
posted by papakwanz at 1:57 PM on October 24, 2006


The Bonehead.
posted by Skygazer at 2:10 PM on October 24, 2006


This is very similar to my friend from California that insists he drives on "the 5". (or whatever interstate number he happens to be on)
Seriously ... it's "the freeway" or "Interstate 5" or "I-5" or, if you really feel like it "the I-5 freeway".
"The 5" is like putting "the" in front of someone's name.
"I was over talking to the Bob a few minutes ago"
"The Rumsfeld held a press conference."

ugh ...
posted by Dillenger69 at 2:32 PM on October 24, 2006


dillenger69: Next, let's complain about people who call that band "The Pixies".
posted by muddgirl at 2:43 PM on October 24, 2006


I never realized it wasn't "The Pixies". And here I've spent all this time railing against people who say "The Scorpions", when there was a much better band to be irate about.
posted by team lowkey at 4:53 PM on October 24, 2006


Oh, and Dillenger69, let it go.
posted by team lowkey at 4:57 PM on October 24, 2006


I invariably say the Styxies because I'm obsessed with making a cover band by that name that sings Pixies songs like Styx. I'm so obssessed I've even said that before.

Here is Canada, and particularly Toronto, we regularly say, I was stuck on the 401, or the 400, or the QEW.
posted by juiceCake at 5:00 PM on October 24, 2006


I invariably say the Styxies because I'm obsessed with making a cover band by that name that sings Pixies songs like Styx.

*takes notes*
posted by cortex at 5:03 PM on October 24, 2006


Now that I think of it, maybe he does it just to distinguish himself from those foreigners (you know who you are) who don't use the word "the" when it should be.

American: "The doctor will meet you at the hospital."

Foreigner: "Doctor will meet you at hospital."

I think the google guy is just being patriotic!
posted by leftcoastbob at 7:00 PM on October 24, 2006


Maybe he should use the Google to look up miserable failure.
posted by UbuRoivas at 7:10 PM on October 24, 2006


MetaFilter: that googling guy
posted by taosbat at 7:19 PM on October 24, 2006


Maybe he learned it in Army.
posted by AwkwardPause at 7:45 PM on October 24, 2006


Evidently, somebody at the White House needs a little help with "The Google."
posted by homunculus at 1:06 PM on October 26, 2006


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