Chuck Norris does not sleep. He writes.
October 25, 2006 8:20 AM   Subscribe

"If your soul needs healing, the prescription you need is not Chuck Norris' tears, it's Jesus' blood." Right-wing online magazine World Net Daily proudly welcomes Chuck Norris as its newest columnist.
posted by XQUZYPHYR (62 comments total) 1 user marked this as a favorite

 
Let the games begin...
posted by Skygazer at 8:26 AM on October 25, 2006


Sounds like Jesus needs a round house kick to the face from Chuck Norris.
posted by Slarty Bartfast at 8:27 AM on October 25, 2006


The Shark just jumped Chuck Norris.
posted by mr.curmudgeon at 8:38 AM on October 25, 2006 [2 favorites]


Alleged Chuck Norris Fact: "There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live." It's funny. It's cute. But here's what I really think about the theory of evolution: It's not real. It is not the way we got here. In fact, the life you see on this planet is really just a list of creatures God has allowed to live.

So by Mr. Norris's logic, extinction is God changing his mind.
posted by Fuzzy Monster at 8:38 AM on October 25, 2006


Also from this informative site : Did Creation occur 6,10 years ago Monday?
posted by Liquidwolf at 8:42 AM on October 25, 2006


Weird-- I'd just been reading this article about the decline of Republican op-ed writers.
posted by ibmcginty at 8:42 AM on October 25, 2006


I can't wait until Mr. T gets his own column and destroys any goodwill I feel for him.
posted by Astro Zombie at 8:46 AM on October 25, 2006


chuck norris doesn't make jokes, he kills them.
posted by milarepa at 9:27 AM on October 25, 2006 [12 favorites]


milarepa wins!
posted by cavalier at 9:31 AM on October 25, 2006


When Chuck Norris furrows his brow, he's not thinking—he's knuckling his third fist. (via)
posted by jsonic at 9:35 AM on October 25, 2006


apparently the chief export of Chuck Norris is now Dumbass.
posted by dorian at 9:43 AM on October 25, 2006


Does anyone else get the sense that Chuck Norris jokes are starting to get under Chuck's skin?
posted by Slarty Bartfast at 9:44 AM on October 25, 2006


Now, The Onion will have a hard time staying the Finest News Source, I fear.
posted by Laotic at 9:45 AM on October 25, 2006


Fact: As it turns out, Chuck Norris kinda sucks.
posted by butterstick at 9:47 AM on October 25, 2006


There was a man whose tears could cure cancer or any other disease, including the real cause of all diseases – sin. His blood did. His name was Jesus, not Chuck Norris.

*sniff* That's beautiful, man.
posted by funkbrain at 9:53 AM on October 25, 2006


I can't wait until Mr. T gets his own column and destroys any goodwill I feel for him.

I just finished working on his reality show. Sorry - he's a born-again proselytizing Jesus freak. At least it's not the point of his show, and I'm not sure of his views on evolution.
posted by fungible at 9:57 AM on October 25, 2006


Norris as Jesus freak? I swear I had read somewhere that Norris was Jewish, this is kinda disappointing -- I considered Chuck Norris as a vital antidote to the (massively enhanced by Woody Allen films) pop culture stereotype persona of the Jew as bookish, funny, neurotic, bespectacled intellectual. what American (and worldwide) Jewry badly needs is a popculture alternative to that poisonous model: and unironic, not-to-be-fucked-with kickass Chuck Norris was just perfect.

I also hold in the highest regard those kick-ass, black-belt Jewish goons in the Aronofski "Pi" movie.

anything but Woody, whose persona has been in my opinion very bad for the Jews
posted by matteo at 10:00 AM on October 25, 2006


Chuck Norris does not believe. He knows.

(OMG my first original Chuck norris joke! w00t!)
posted by Artful Codger at 10:06 AM on October 25, 2006


They probably just hired him as a ringer for the World Net Daily softball team. Look at this lineup:

Pat Buchanan - 1B
David Limbaugh - LF
Ann Coulter - C
Michelle Malkin - SS
Judge Roy Moore - DH
Ben Shapiro - 3B
Jerry Falwell - RF
Pat Boone - 2B
Dr. Laura - CF

Chuck Norris - P

That's impressive. They're gonna be tough to beat down the stretch. They currently lead the league in batshitinsane percentage.
posted by jefbla at 10:08 AM on October 25, 2006 [2 favorites]


Mr. T has ALWAYS been born again (well, as long as he's been Mr. T).
posted by spicynuts at 10:16 AM on October 25, 2006


I was fine with everything until he got to the part about not "believing" in evolution.

I nominate the new Chuck Norris to be Teddy Roosevelt.
posted by ShawnStruck at 10:16 AM on October 25, 2006


jefbla-- I think Pat Boone has lost a step; I see them moving David Limbaugh to 2B.

Ann Coulter, though, is a natural at catcher.
posted by ibmcginty at 10:28 AM on October 25, 2006


Chuck Norris told evolution it has AIDS.
posted by Skygazer at 10:40 AM on October 25, 2006


Norris has always been a republican tool and a moron. Why do you think Walker Texas Ranger sucks so bad?
posted by 2sheets at 10:40 AM on October 25, 2006


Fact: Chuck Norris wrote this entire simple-minded and Jesus-freaky column in between roundhouse kicks to a liberal's face.
posted by Down10 at 10:46 AM on October 25, 2006


He is so ineloquent that it's embarassing. In interviews I find him neither charming nor engaging. I wish he wouldn't go about ruining this awesome little thing that netizens wrote about him. Sting had the wisedom to let the tantric sex rumors run their course for a few years before quietly denying them.

Chuck Norris may always say grace, but he is graceless.
posted by frecklefaerie at 10:54 AM on October 25, 2006


he broke grace's neck in Way of the Dragon
posted by matteo at 11:07 AM on October 25, 2006


Chuck's suck runneth over.
posted by HerArchitectLover at 11:11 AM on October 25, 2006


pop culture stereotype persona of the Jew as bookish, funny, neurotic, bespectacled intellectual. what American (and worldwide) Jewry badly needs is a popculture alternative to that poisonous model:

Here ya go... here's a few more.
posted by jonmc at 11:11 AM on October 25, 2006


How about something like this?
posted by Astro Zombie at 11:26 AM on October 25, 2006


and yet another (perfect choice for the Jewish Chuck Norris, IMHO)
posted by jonmc at 11:28 AM on October 25, 2006


anything but Woody, whose persona has been in my opinion very bad for the Jews

Admittedly the neurotic and semi-incestuous ephebophile bits of his public persona are less than attractive, but I'd much rather be stereotyped as a funny intellectual than as someone who likes punching people (I wasn't really aware of Norris prior to that list of 'facts', he's a punching people person, right?).
posted by jack_mo at 11:33 AM on October 25, 2006


Admittedly the neurotic and semi-incestuous ephebophile bits of his public persona are less than attractive, but I'd much rather be stereotyped as a funny intellectual than as someone who likes punching people

Sure, but the Woody Allen stereotype is also that of a weak pushover which is kind of undesirable as well. And my (late) Jewish father-in-law was a cigar-chomping badass, sort of the anti-Woody. Here's a few more non-Woody-esque Hebrews. The stereotype is demonstrably false, but anti-semites simply ignore it.
posted by jonmc at 11:43 AM on October 25, 2006


but I'd much rather be stereotyped as a funny intellectual than as someone who likes punching people

fair enough, but people who think that the Holocaust didn't really happen, that the Jews killed Jesus or that they run the Swiss banks tend to be more impressed by karate than by ironic, witty comments
;)

and jon, I didn't know that Tera Patrick's husband was Jewish, didn't he play a neonazi in Oz?
posted by matteo at 11:53 AM on October 25, 2006


Chuck Norris wishes people would stop attributing stuff to him on the Internet, whether it's pro-Jesus or pro-Awesome. Unless, of course, he really wrote this. Which would be funny, because that would mean he completely missed the point of all the "ridiculous deification of one individual" when we're all flawed. Jesus was invented (possibly from a real person or persons) as an ideal model for us all to aspire to; no different than Gallant of "Goofus and Gallant" and no more realistic or less simplistically black and white.

Unless, of course, his PR machine is behind BOTH sides of the Jesus vs. Awesome debate. That would truly be a masterstroke worthy of Chuck Norris of Internet Fame™.
posted by Eideteker at 11:55 AM on October 25, 2006


and jon, I didn't know that Tera Patrick's husband was Jewish, didn't he play a neonazi in Oz?

Indeed he did. and the guy who played Colonel Klink on Hogan's Heroes was Jewish as well (he had it written into his contract that Klink always had to lose).
posted by jonmc at 12:03 PM on October 25, 2006


(and I'm only marginally familiar with his porn career and film work. To me, he's the singer and bassist for these guys)
posted by jonmc at 12:09 PM on October 25, 2006


and they have surprising fans
posted by jonmc at 12:15 PM on October 25, 2006


no offense jon, but that looks more like a videogame site than a band's
posted by matteo at 12:15 PM on October 25, 2006


Yeah, the site ain't great, but the band kicked ass.
posted by jonmc at 12:19 PM on October 25, 2006


Wow. Way to take all the funny out of a joke, Norris. Thanks a lot.
posted by agregoli at 12:39 PM on October 25, 2006


In re stereotypes of Judaism: this clip from Goodness Gracious Me.
posted by PinkStainlessTail at 12:40 PM on October 25, 2006


Again, I'm flattered and amazed by the way I've become a fascinating public figure for a whole new generation of young people around the world. But I am not the characters I play.

Either Chuck Norris takes himself so seriously that he's actually worried his "fans" are taking him too seriously, or he has his tounge planted so deeply in his cheek that we're all losing sight of it. My head is spinning.
posted by JT at 12:46 PM on October 25, 2006


uh, "tongue", that is.
posted by JT at 12:47 PM on October 25, 2006


Wow. Way to take all the funny out of a joke, Norris.

Fact: He didn't take the funny out of the joke, he beat it out of the joke with a series of savage roundhouses to the midsection.
posted by jonmc at 12:47 PM on October 25, 2006


has his tounge planted so deeply in his cheek

uh, "tongue", that is.


it's not your fault, the tongue was crushed against the monster cheek muscles and its spelling was all scrunched up
posted by matteo at 1:46 PM on October 25, 2006


Current Dumb Internet Meme

Pirates
Ninjas
Zombies
Chuck Norris
posted by fandango_matt at 1:54 PM on October 25, 2006


As six-time world karate champion and then a movie star,

humilty has always been important to me.
posted by Sparx at 2:41 PM on October 25, 2006


There are more than 50,000 jokes making their way around the Internet that purport to be "facts" all playing off my movie roles as a "tough guy" and my history as a martial arts champion. But they aren't "jokes" to those who spread them – they're "facts."

Um, no Chuck. They aren't facts to those who spread them, they are jokes. Stop trying to fill me with Silent Rage.
posted by ktoad at 2:51 PM on October 25, 2006


Bruce Lee whaled on Chuck Norris.
...just sayin'
posted by Smedleyman at 3:25 PM on October 25, 2006


Yeah, Bruce Lee's ridiculous life story is more deserving of the kind of deification that the Chuck Norris jokes are made of.

I mean, come on. One Inch Punch. So awesome.
posted by synaesthetichaze at 4:28 PM on October 25, 2006


Don't cross out zombies so fast, fandango_matt. They rise from the dead, you know.
posted by grouse at 4:59 PM on October 25, 2006


no, chuck norris is an idiot. i remember long, long ago i saw him on that gameshow... what was it called? $10,000 pyramid, i think.

he was pretty stupid. he just didn't get it, and kept breaking the rules of the game by essentially just reading what was on the cards instead of describing them.

maybe its on youtube...
posted by joeblough at 5:20 PM on October 25, 2006


Strangely, I find the disbelief in Evolution far more disappointing than the fact that he's not being ironic when he writes things like, "If your soul needs healing, the prescription you need is not Chuck Norris' tears, it's Jesus' blood."

The only vaguely distressing part about the quoted bit there is that he referred to himself in the third person.
posted by sparkletone at 9:12 PM on October 25, 2006


See, I'm sitting here wondering how I can connect Kevin Bacon to Chuck Norris ... hmm ... Chuck's in a movie with Bruce Lee ... Bruce to Kareem Abdul-Jabbar ... Kareem to ...
posted by frogan at 9:51 PM on October 25, 2006


Let the Oracle of Bacon guide you:

Chuck Norris was in Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story (2004) with Cayden Boyd
Cayden Boyd was in Mystic River (2003) with Kevin Bacon
posted by MikeKD at 10:21 PM on October 25, 2006


The only reason Chuck Norris is writing about Jesus is because Jesus is scared to let him in to heaven.
posted by Mr. Gunn at 11:12 PM on October 25, 2006 [2 favorites]



posted by 2sheets at 2:29 AM on October 26, 2006


Everyone knows Jack Bauer is the new Chuck Norris anyway.
posted by The God Complex at 2:30 AM on October 26, 2006


In re stereotypes of Judaism: this clip from Goodness Gracious Me.

"Haven't you ever noticed the similarities between a rabbi and a muslim cleric? The long robes, the untrimmed beard, the glasses... never picking up the check?"

Very funny GGM clip, thanks. I never expected to see a Woody Allen impersonator on that show.
posted by illovich at 4:12 AM on October 26, 2006


Let the Oracle of Bacon guide you

All the cool kids are now playing Three Degrees of Kevin Eldon. Much harder.
posted by PinkStainlessTail at 4:12 AM on October 26, 2006


Bruce Lee could hit you, go under your breastbone, rip out your heart, and show it to you before you die.
...but he didn’t own a truck, so maybe that’s the thing.
posted by Smedleyman at 1:34 PM on October 27, 2006


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