Comments on: Chuck Norris does not sleep. He writes.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He writes.

XQUZYPHYR — Wed, 25 Oct 2006 08:20:08 -0800

"If your soul needs healing, the prescription you need is not Chuck Norris' tears, it's Jesus' blood." Right-wing online magazine World Net Daily proudly welcomes Chuck Norris as its newest columnist.

By: Skygazer

Skygazer — Wed, 25 Oct 2006 08:26:01 -0800

Let the games begin...

By: Slarty Bartfast

Slarty Bartfast — Wed, 25 Oct 2006 08:27:30 -0800

Sounds like Jesus needs a round house kick to the face from Chuck Norris.

By: mr.curmudgeon

mr.curmudgeon — Wed, 25 Oct 2006 08:38:32 -0800

The Shark just jumped Chuck Norris.

By: Fuzzy Monster

Fuzzy Monster — Wed, 25 Oct 2006 08:38:52 -0800

Alleged Chuck Norris Fact: "There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live." It's funny. It's cute. But here's what I really think about the theory of evolution: It's not real. It is not the way we got here. In fact, the life you see on this planet is really just a list of creatures God has allowed to live. So by Mr. Norris's logic, extinction is God changing his mind.

By: Liquidwolf

Liquidwolf — Wed, 25 Oct 2006 08:42:13 -0800

Also from this informative site : Did Creation occur 6,10 years ago Monday?

By: ibmcginty

ibmcginty — Wed, 25 Oct 2006 08:42:51 -0800

Weird-- I'd just been reading this article about the decline of Republican op-ed writers.

By: Astro Zombie

Astro Zombie — Wed, 25 Oct 2006 08:46:29 -0800

I can't wait until Mr. T gets his own column and destroys any goodwill I feel for him.

By: milarepa

milarepa — Wed, 25 Oct 2006 09:27:29 -0800

chuck norris doesn't make jokes, he kills them.

By: cavalier

cavalier — Wed, 25 Oct 2006 09:31:21 -0800

milarepa wins!

By: jsonic

jsonic — Wed, 25 Oct 2006 09:35:18 -0800

When Chuck Norris furrows his brow, he's not thinking—he's knuckling his third fist. (via)

By: dorian

dorian — Wed, 25 Oct 2006 09:43:18 -0800

apparently the chief export of Chuck Norris is now Dumbass.

By: Slarty Bartfast

Slarty Bartfast — Wed, 25 Oct 2006 09:44:28 -0800

Does anyone else get the sense that Chuck Norris jokes are starting to get under Chuck's skin?

By: Laotic

Laotic — Wed, 25 Oct 2006 09:45:16 -0800

Now, The Onion will have a hard time staying the Finest News Source, I fear.

By: butterstick

butterstick — Wed, 25 Oct 2006 09:47:43 -0800

Fact: As it turns out, Chuck Norris kinda sucks.

By: funkbrain

funkbrain — Wed, 25 Oct 2006 09:53:07 -0800

There was a man whose tears could cure cancer or any other disease, including the real cause of all diseases – sin. His blood did. His name was Jesus, not Chuck Norris. *sniff* That's beautiful, man.

By: fungible

fungible — Wed, 25 Oct 2006 09:57:16 -0800

I can't wait until Mr. T gets his own column and destroys any goodwill I feel for him. I just finished working on his reality show. Sorry - he's a born-again proselytizing Jesus freak. At least it's not the point of his show, and I'm not sure of his views on evolution.

By: matteo

matteo — Wed, 25 Oct 2006 10:00:53 -0800

Norris as Jesus freak? I swear I had read somewhere that Norris was Jewish, this is kinda disappointing -- I considered Chuck Norris as a vital antidote to the (massively enhanced by Woody Allen films) pop culture stereotype persona of the Jew as bookish, funny, neurotic, bespectacled intellectual. what American (and worldwide) Jewry badly needs is a popculture alternative to that poisonous model: and unironic, not-to-be-fucked-with kickass Chuck Norris was just perfect. I also hold in the highest regard those kick-ass, black-belt Jewish goons in the Aronofski "Pi" movie. anything but Woody, whose persona has been in my opinion very bad for the Jews

By: Artful Codger

Artful Codger — Wed, 25 Oct 2006 10:06:03 -0800

Chuck Norris does not believe. He knows. (OMG my first original Chuck norris joke! w00t!)

By: jefbla

jefbla — Wed, 25 Oct 2006 10:08:49 -0800

They probably just hired him as a ringer for the World Net Daily softball team. Look at this lineup: Pat Buchanan - 1B David Limbaugh - LF Ann Coulter - C Michelle Malkin - SS Judge Roy Moore - DH Ben Shapiro - 3B Jerry Falwell - RF Pat Boone - 2B Dr. Laura - CF Chuck Norris - P That's impressive. They're gonna be tough to beat down the stretch. They currently lead the league in batshitinsane percentage.

By: spicynuts

spicynuts — Wed, 25 Oct 2006 10:16:20 -0800

Mr. T has ALWAYS been born again (well, as long as he's been Mr. T).

By: ShawnStruck

ShawnStruck — Wed, 25 Oct 2006 10:16:52 -0800

I was fine with everything until he got to the part about not "believing" in evolution. I nominate the new Chuck Norris to be Teddy Roosevelt.

By: ibmcginty

ibmcginty — Wed, 25 Oct 2006 10:28:42 -0800

jefbla-- I think Pat Boone has lost a step; I see them moving David Limbaugh to 2B. Ann Coulter, though, is a natural at catcher.

By: Skygazer

Skygazer — Wed, 25 Oct 2006 10:40:06 -0800

Chuck Norris told evolution it has AIDS.

By: 2sheets

2sheets — Wed, 25 Oct 2006 10:40:31 -0800

Norris has always been a republican tool and a moron. Why do you think Walker Texas Ranger sucks so bad?

By: Down10

Down10 — Wed, 25 Oct 2006 10:46:06 -0800

Fact: Chuck Norris wrote this entire simple-minded and Jesus-freaky column in between roundhouse kicks to a liberal's face.

By: frecklefaerie

frecklefaerie — Wed, 25 Oct 2006 10:54:59 -0800

He is so ineloquent that it's embarassing. In interviews I find him neither charming nor engaging. I wish he wouldn't go about ruining this awesome little thing that netizens wrote about him. Sting had the wisedom to let the tantric sex rumors run their course for a few years before quietly denying them. Chuck Norris may always say grace, but he is graceless.

By: matteo

matteo — Wed, 25 Oct 2006 11:07:32 -0800

he broke grace's neck in Way of the Dragon

By: HerArchitectLover

HerArchitectLover — Wed, 25 Oct 2006 11:11:38 -0800

Chuck's suck runneth over.

By: jonmc

jonmc — Wed, 25 Oct 2006 11:11:48 -0800

pop culture stereotype persona of the Jew as bookish, funny, neurotic, bespectacled intellectual. what American (and worldwide) Jewry badly needs is a popculture alternative to that poisonous model: Here ya go... here's a few more.

By: Astro Zombie

Astro Zombie — Wed, 25 Oct 2006 11:26:13 -0800

How about something like this?

By: jonmc

jonmc — Wed, 25 Oct 2006 11:28:26 -0800

and yet another (perfect choice for the Jewish Chuck Norris, IMHO)

By: jack_mo

jack_mo — Wed, 25 Oct 2006 11:33:35 -0800

anything but Woody, whose persona has been in my opinion very bad for the Jews Admittedly the neurotic and semi-incestuous ephebophile bits of his public persona are less than attractive, but I'd much rather be stereotyped as a funny intellectual than as someone who likes punching people (I wasn't really aware of Norris prior to that list of 'facts', he's a punching people person, right?).

By: jonmc

jonmc — Wed, 25 Oct 2006 11:43:14 -0800

Admittedly the neurotic and semi-incestuous ephebophile bits of his public persona are less than attractive, but I'd much rather be stereotyped as a funny intellectual than as someone who likes punching people Sure, but the Woody Allen stereotype is also that of a weak pushover which is kind of undesirable as well. And my (late) Jewish father-in-law was a cigar-chomping badass, sort of the anti-Woody. Here's a few more non-Woody-esque Hebrews. The stereotype is demonstrably false, but anti-semites simply ignore it.

By: matteo

matteo — Wed, 25 Oct 2006 11:53:18 -0800

but I'd much rather be stereotyped as a funny intellectual than as someone who likes punching people fair enough, but people who think that the Holocaust didn't really happen, that the Jews killed Jesus or that they run the Swiss banks tend to be more impressed by karate than by ironic, witty comments ;) and jon, I didn't know that Tera Patrick's husband was Jewish, didn't he play a neonazi in Oz?

By: Eideteker

Eideteker — Wed, 25 Oct 2006 11:55:33 -0800

Chuck Norris wishes people would stop attributing stuff to him on the Internet, whether it's pro-Jesus or pro-Awesome. Unless, of course, he really wrote this. Which would be funny, because that would mean he completely missed the point of all the "ridiculous deification of one individual" when we're all flawed. Jesus was invented (possibly from a real person or persons) as an ideal model for us all to aspire to; no different than Gallant of "Goofus and Gallant" and no more realistic or less simplistically black and white. Unless, of course, his PR machine is behind BOTH sides of the Jesus vs. Awesome debate. That would truly be a masterstroke worthy of Chuck Norris of Internet Fame™.

By: jonmc

jonmc — Wed, 25 Oct 2006 12:03:37 -0800

and jon, I didn't know that Tera Patrick's husband was Jewish, didn't he play a neonazi in Oz? Indeed he did. and the guy who played Colonel Klink on Hogan's Heroes was Jewish as well (he had it written into his contract that Klink always had to lose).

By: jonmc

jonmc — Wed, 25 Oct 2006 12:09:23 -0800

(and I'm only marginally familiar with his porn career and film work. To me, he's the singer and bassist for these guys)

By: jonmc

jonmc — Wed, 25 Oct 2006 12:15:32 -0800

and they have surprising fans

By: matteo

matteo — Wed, 25 Oct 2006 12:15:50 -0800

no offense jon, but that looks more like a videogame site than a band's

By: jonmc

jonmc — Wed, 25 Oct 2006 12:19:01 -0800

Yeah, the site ain't great, but the band kicked ass.

By: agregoli

agregoli — Wed, 25 Oct 2006 12:39:08 -0800

Wow. Way to take all the funny out of a joke, Norris. Thanks a lot.

By: PinkStainlessTail

PinkStainlessTail — Wed, 25 Oct 2006 12:40:02 -0800

In re stereotypes of Judaism: this clip from Goodness Gracious Me.

By: JT

JT — Wed, 25 Oct 2006 12:46:10 -0800

Again, I'm flattered and amazed by the way I've become a fascinating public figure for a whole new generation of young people around the world. But I am not the characters I play. Either Chuck Norris takes himself so seriously that he's actually worried his "fans" are taking him too seriously, or he has his tounge planted so deeply in his cheek that we're all losing sight of it. My head is spinning.

By: JT

JT — Wed, 25 Oct 2006 12:47:12 -0800

uh, "tongue", that is.

By: jonmc

jonmc — Wed, 25 Oct 2006 12:47:37 -0800

Wow. Way to take all the funny out of a joke, Norris. Fact: He didn't take the funny out of the joke, he beat it out of the joke with a series of savage roundhouses to the midsection.

By: matteo

matteo — Wed, 25 Oct 2006 13:46:31 -0800

has his tounge planted so deeply in his cheek uh, "tongue", that is. it's not your fault, the tongue was crushed against the monster cheek muscles and its spelling was all scrunched up

By: fandango_matt

fandango_matt — Wed, 25 Oct 2006 13:54:11 -0800

Current Dumb Internet Meme ~~Pirates~~ ~~Ninjas~~ ~~Zombies~~ Chuck Norris

By: Sparx

Sparx — Wed, 25 Oct 2006 14:41:44 -0800

As six-time world karate champion and then a movie star, humilty has always been important to me.

By: ktoad

ktoad — Wed, 25 Oct 2006 14:51:16 -0800

There are more than 50,000 jokes making their way around the Internet that purport to be "facts" all playing off my movie roles as a "tough guy" and my history as a martial arts champion. But they aren't "jokes" to those who spread them – they're "facts." Um, no Chuck. They aren't facts to those who spread them, they are jokes. Stop trying to fill me with Silent Rage.

By: Smedleyman

Smedleyman — Wed, 25 Oct 2006 15:25:35 -0800

Bruce Lee whaled on Chuck Norris. ...just sayin'

By: synaesthetichaze

synaesthetichaze — Wed, 25 Oct 2006 16:28:07 -0800

Yeah, Bruce Lee's ridiculous life story is more deserving of the kind of deification that the Chuck Norris jokes are made of. I mean, come on. One Inch Punch. So awesome.

By: grouse

grouse — Wed, 25 Oct 2006 16:59:54 -0800

Don't cross out zombies so fast, fandango_matt. They rise from the dead, you know.

By: joeblough

joeblough — Wed, 25 Oct 2006 17:20:48 -0800

no, chuck norris is an idiot. i remember long, long ago i saw him on that gameshow... what was it called? $10,000 pyramid, i think. he was pretty stupid. he just didn't get it, and kept breaking the rules of the game by essentially just reading what was on the cards instead of describing them. maybe its on youtube...

By: sparkletone

sparkletone — Wed, 25 Oct 2006 21:12:37 -0800

Strangely, I find the disbelief in Evolution far more disappointing than the fact that he's not being ironic when he writes things like, "If your soul needs healing, the prescription you need is not Chuck Norris' tears, it's Jesus' blood." The only vaguely distressing part about the quoted bit there is that he referred to himself in the third person.

By: frogan

frogan — Wed, 25 Oct 2006 21:51:22 -0800

See, I'm sitting here wondering how I can connect Kevin Bacon to Chuck Norris ... hmm ... Chuck's in a movie with Bruce Lee ... Bruce to Kareem Abdul-Jabbar ... Kareem to ...

By: MikeKD

MikeKD — Wed, 25 Oct 2006 22:21:11 -0800

Let the Oracle of Bacon guide you: Chuck Norris was in Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story (2004) with Cayden Boyd Cayden Boyd was in Mystic River (2003) with Kevin Bacon

By: Mr. Gunn

Mr. Gunn — Wed, 25 Oct 2006 23:12:36 -0800

The only reason Chuck Norris is writing about Jesus is because Jesus is scared to let him in to heaven.

By: 2sheets

2sheets — Thu, 26 Oct 2006 02:29:14 -0800

By: The God Complex

The God Complex — Thu, 26 Oct 2006 02:30:30 -0800

Everyone knows Jack Bauer is the new Chuck Norris anyway.

By: illovich

illovich — Thu, 26 Oct 2006 04:12:20 -0800

In re stereotypes of Judaism: this clip from Goodness Gracious Me. "Haven't you ever noticed the similarities between a rabbi and a muslim cleric? The long robes, the untrimmed beard, the glasses... never picking up the check?" Very funny GGM clip, thanks. I never expected to see a Woody Allen impersonator on that show.

By: PinkStainlessTail

PinkStainlessTail — Thu, 26 Oct 2006 04:12:40 -0800

Let the Oracle of Bacon guide you All the cool kids are now playing Three Degrees of Kevin Eldon. Much harder.

By: Smedleyman

Smedleyman — Fri, 27 Oct 2006 13:34:45 -0800

Bruce Lee could hit you, go under your breastbone, rip out your heart, and show it to you before you die. ...but he didn't own a truck, so maybe that's the thing.