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I was only ACTING!!!
October 26, 2006 10:38 PM   Subscribe

Good Day Mr. Kubrick! In 1984 Stanley Kubrick placed an ad in Variety requesting audition tapes from unknown actors for his next movie, "Full Metal Jacket." This is allegedly one of those tapes.
posted by KevinSkomsvold (57 comments total) 6 users marked this as a favorite

 
Inexplicably this fine, fine actor has not become a household name.
posted by clevershark at 10:45 PM on October 26, 2006


It is 2006. That would Brian Atene 42 years old. Suppose he had kids in his mid twenties -- they'd be teenagers now.

Now suppose one of their friends found this tape at the Atene residence.

It'd be on YouTube, right, about...now.
posted by effugas at 10:49 PM on October 26, 2006


I don't buy the backstory for a second. It obviously seems to be a put-on. Funny nonetheless.
posted by ColdChef at 10:53 PM on October 26, 2006


This is meant to be enjoyed over and over again. I will spend many hours learning to speak just as Mr. Atene does in his introduction...many hours.
posted by matkline at 10:57 PM on October 26, 2006


since I'm paying a great deal to say whatever I like to Stanley Kubrick, one of the greatest directors of all time (although not as good as Micheal Kurtez who directed The Sea Hawk)

Yeah, always start with an insult...
posted by delmoi at 10:58 PM on October 26, 2006


I would like to urge the citizens of Metafilter, in whose collected pool of intellectual energies swim tiny stallions of nostril-flared mental horsepower, to go forth and find this man so that I can immediately lower myself with sexy abjectness onto the studded jewels and solid gold of his flesh scepter and draw forth a lordly infant from therein. Many thank-yous in advance.
posted by Powerful Religious Baby at 11:03 PM on October 26, 2006 [5 favorites]


Inexplicably this fine, fine actor has not become a household name.

Twenty years ain't enough.
posted by Opposite George at 11:04 PM on October 26, 2006


Inexplicably this fine, fine actor has not become a household name.

I think he became an Analrapist.
posted by bunglin jones at 11:08 PM on October 26, 2006


He made my neck sore. Sit up straight!
posted by grumdrig at 11:16 PM on October 26, 2006


D'YOU WANNA KNOW SOMETHIN'!? I scared. I scared.

I love (warning: self link) overacting.
posted by premiumpolar at 11:30 PM on October 26, 2006


Am I a total cinematic noob for thinking that that's Crispin Glover?
posted by bardic at 11:33 PM on October 26, 2006


One of the Google results for "Brian Atene" is this grade 7 yearbook page.

Could be him -- would be around the right age for grade 7?

Come on, somebody has to track this guy down!
posted by MiG at 11:40 PM on October 26, 2006


There's a thin line between indulgence and genius.

He is nowhere near that line.
posted by Astro Zombie at 11:41 PM on October 26, 2006


Very enjoyable...but not a real audition tape.

Even if it was from 1984 the guy is just having a good time spoofing the process, that seems kinda obvious.

Reminds me of the faked Star Trek auditions on SNL.
posted by django_z at 12:00 AM on October 27, 2006


Star Wars phillistine!
posted by bardic at 12:05 AM on October 27, 2006


I have no proof at all, but I'm sure this is a hoax. A brilliant, glorious hoax, the kind of thing that's much funnier as a hoax than it could ever be if it were real. Whoever this guy really is, he's a genius. Jeeeeeeen-ee-US!
(and the 7th grade bicentennial portrait is a perfect touch)
posted by maryh at 12:06 AM on October 27, 2006


(btw, can anyone tell when MiG's yearbook link was posted? If it was really recently, that might add some weight to my theory....)
posted by maryh at 12:30 AM on October 27, 2006


Our boy?
posted by Pollomacho at 12:56 AM on October 27, 2006


since I'm paying a great deal to say whatever I like to Stanley Kubrick, one of the greatest directors of all time (although not as good as Micheal Kurtez who directed The Sea Hawk)

Curtiz directed Casablanca, Yankee Doodle Dandy, King Creole, the Charge of the Light Brigade and many other classics of Hollywood, yet the kid picks The Sea Hawk to namedrop. Not that Errol Flynn sliding down a sail with knives isn't cool...
posted by Pollomacho at 1:18 AM on October 27, 2006


I love the whining about 2010, that's just awesome right there, by itself.
posted by Talanvor at 1:25 AM on October 27, 2006


Of course it's a hoax of some stripe; it'd be impressive if this fine gentleman was a Trekkie three years before the original series debuted.
posted by Paragon at 1:58 AM on October 27, 2006


Er, sorry, stupid. That'd be his birthdate, not the date. I'm going to go put myself out of my misery now.
posted by Paragon at 2:00 AM on October 27, 2006


immediately lower myself with sexy abjectness onto the studded jewels and solid gold of his flesh scepter and draw forth a lordly infant from therein.

This is the woman for me.
posted by sgt.serenity at 2:18 AM on October 27, 2006


This is astounding. I hope to god that he was taking the piss.
posted by antifuse at 3:24 AM on October 27, 2006


The man is a God. If it's a hoax, it's one of the most amazing feats of composure ever witnessed since the 1974 assassination attempt on Park Chung Hee where his wife gets shot and killed and he calmly finishes his speech.
How does he keep a straight face?
posted by RokkitNite at 3:47 AM on October 27, 2006


Reminds me of Josh Hartnett as would-be actor cop in Hollywood Homicide.
posted by Joeforking at 4:00 AM on October 27, 2006


Absolutely needs to be on Inside the Actor's Studio. Preferably with Wil Ferrel
posted by Ironmouth at 4:54 AM on October 27, 2006


Most people seem to think it's a hoax but I'd hate to see the truth get in the way of a good story.
posted by KevinSkomsvold at 6:55 AM on October 27, 2006


Am I the only one who is 100% positive he is taking the piss? That was my assumption from the minute he started with that accent.
posted by spicynuts at 7:04 AM on October 27, 2006


I remember when Kubrick placed that ad. I was in college, in a theatre program, and this guy I knew sent in a tape. He sent it from his parents' house. Then, he got hired by some summer-stock company and left home for three months. When he got back, he asked his mom if anything interesting had happened while he was gone. She said, "Well about a month ago, some guy named Stanley something called and said he liked your tape and wanted to talk to you. I wrote his number down somewhere, but I can't find it. I'm sure he'll call back if it's important."
posted by grumblebee at 7:20 AM on October 27, 2006 [1 favorite]


Lee Emery, who got the part of drill Sargent Hartman, was orginally just a technical advisor, he sent a tape to Kubrick demonstrating to proper drill instruction demeanor: he shouted obsceneties at a video camera for about 10 minutes without pausing or blinking while having tennis balls thrown at him. Kubrick was so impressed he gave him the part. That's the tape I always wanted to see.
posted by StarForce5 at 7:26 AM on October 27, 2006


I don't know about the fpp video being a hoax, but some of these stories in the comments sure sounds like hoaxes!
posted by papakwanz at 7:49 AM on October 27, 2006


Lee Ermey in Spanish
posted by sgt.serenity at 7:50 AM on October 27, 2006


That there is Eye-talian, not Spanish.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 8:05 AM on October 27, 2006


Voting hoax. I doubt that back in '84 the term trekkie was common enough to be used in a video and expect the other person to have any idea of what it means. Maybe Im off on that but 'the director of seahawk?' The Errol Flynn movie. Hoax or a outside artist/smartass who just wanted to torture ol' stan for the time it takes him to pop-in the tape, reach over, and frantically hit eject.
posted by damn dirty ape at 8:07 AM on October 27, 2006


I doubt that back in '84 the term Trekkie was common enough to be used in a video and expect the other person to have any idea of what it means.

Wrong! Trekkie was common when I was a kid, in the 70s. There were "Keep on Trekking" shirts and bumper stickers (parodies of "Keep on Trucking").

The video probably is a hoax, but I'm positive that from the mid-70s on, most people who were aware of pop culture would have recognized the word "Trekkie."
posted by grumblebee at 8:44 AM on October 27, 2006


That there is Eye-talian, not Spanish.

are you contradicting me, Private Xenophobe ?
posted by sgt.serenity at 8:56 AM on October 27, 2006 [1 favorite]


...my favourite colour is green.
That did him in, right there.
posted by weapons-grade pandemonium at 8:58 AM on October 27, 2006


My 1984 college roommate described himself as a "Trekkie," FWIW.
posted by MrMoonPie at 9:00 AM on October 27, 2006


That tape is a prime demonstration that it's far from easy for an American to adopt a realistic-sounding British accent. It's like those guys working tech support in Bangalore who pretend to be "Sean in Milwaukee".
posted by clevershark at 9:10 AM on October 27, 2006


This here is Lee Ermey in Spanish
posted by kalimotxero at 10:07 AM on October 27, 2006


Y más de Lee Ermey en Español
posted by kalimotxero at 10:13 AM on October 27, 2006


I think Pollomacho may be on to something.

The photos for John Louis Fischer look very similar to young Brian Artene. And they share the same birthdate....
posted by jefbla at 10:22 AM on October 27, 2006


Hmmm. Hard to say.
posted by schmedeman at 11:15 AM on October 27, 2006


Okay, I hesitate, because I always get sucked in by these things, but put me down on the "not a hoax; just an acting student with a monumental ego" side. I think someone found the tape and grafted the more restrained performance of the "The Outsiders" bit at the end.
posted by Turtles all the way down at 11:19 AM on October 27, 2006


Heh. Real or not. That was awesome.

I'd like to see the Christopher Walken rendition of this guy's performance.

Because Walken makes everything bester.
posted by dios at 11:59 AM on October 27, 2006


C'mon; there's no way this is serious. His favorite color? The Spock fingers? The fucking accent? No one has used that accent seriously for at least 40 years. I don't know if I'd call it a "hoax" but it's definitely a joke, and a pretty funny joke at that.
posted by mr_roboto at 12:48 PM on October 27, 2006


Loved it. I don't care if it was real or not--it's funny either way.
posted by The God Complex at 3:31 PM on October 27, 2006


In keeping with the last two comments, and some previous ones, let me state my position in a different way--there's no way it's a joke, because nobody's that good.
posted by Turtles all the way down at 4:01 PM on October 27, 2006


I'm pretty sure he's real and lives in southeastern Pennsylvania. No mention of him in the websites of the community theaters in his neck of the woods though. His birthdate, phone number and address are -- if it's the same Brian Atene -- online. God bless 'm.

[Full disclosure: I got this info. from Ancestry.com -- it lists a Brian Atene with a birthdate of August 1, 1963, while our video thespian's placard gives a birthdate of August 16, 1963. That's close enough in my book for a hit -- transcription errors from the original documents into the geneology database aren't unheard of.]
posted by Toecutter at 7:35 PM on October 27, 2006


The video looks legit in some ways...

When he moves his hand around when he gets into his monologue it demonstrates flaring that occurs with tube-based cameras but would not occur with modern CCD cameras. So either 1) it's legit from the time, 2) the makers got an old (working!) tube camera or 3) the spent a really long time faking that small detail.

However the static at the end, before it cuts into the TV or movie or whatever - that is not what really happens with that sort of thing - but it could quite easily have been added as a 'post' effect.
posted by sycophant at 2:00 AM on October 28, 2006


Well, here is at 43.
posted by eegphalanges at 2:04 AM on October 28, 2006


Huh. Has a good sense of humor about it all, I guess!
posted by papakwanz at 10:32 AM on October 28, 2006


Recently a friend asked me why I never persued my dream of being an actor. I see this and I see my answer within it. the painful truth is I once did, but fell short of sending an expensive videotape to Stanley Kubrick. This is predominantly because I was never wealthy enough to afford such an expense. Imagine the terror the world would had to have faced, had I managed to accumulate disposable income.

Once I came to my senses and realized the world would be better off without my artistic arrogance, in order to save humanity from the horror of exposing them to my acting talent, I dutifully drowned that monstrous aspiration with vodka and hops, and continue to do so periodically to this very day.

At my height of capability as a comedic, character actor some twenty years ago, I could not have held a candle to the indubitous Mister Brian Atene. This guy is definitely a better actor than myself, and has aged more gracefully. Fortunately again for humanity, no footage of my efforts some decades ago has survived. You will never find my youthful face on YouTube, nor will you see me twenty some odd years later making fun of myself. Mankind is safe from my youthful exuberance and hubris.

And I am a Trekkie. Nanu... nanu...
posted by ZachsMind at 10:59 AM on October 28, 2006


This guy makes Brian Atene look like DeNiro.
posted by papakwanz at 12:30 PM on October 28, 2006


And...Mr Kubrick responds.
posted by Turtles all the way down at 6:21 PM on October 28, 2006


Wow, his followup/comeback video is even better. Now with 200% more overacting goodness.
posted by Rhomboid at 1:01 PM on October 30, 2006


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