So, so sorry.
November 4, 2006 12:52 AM   Subscribe

I'm sorry. But if print-and-cut decorations for your penis don't qualify as best of the web, then what does? I'm serious. Where else would this even be possible?
posted by BlackLeotardFront (32 comments total)

 
You're smug. You're not sorry.
posted by kayalovesme at 1:01 AM on November 4, 2006 [1 favorite]


Penis blue.

There, we got that part out of the way.
posted by ook at 1:06 AM on November 4, 2006


"Penis. Durex® penis."

It is an ad, but... well, you have to admire their ... you know.
posted by blacklite at 1:09 AM on November 4, 2006


Those don't look very comfortable, or warm for that matter.
posted by Pollomacho at 1:09 AM on November 4, 2006


Those don't look very comfortable, or warm for that matter.

Just put your penis in a muffler.
posted by eriko at 1:11 AM on November 4, 2006


Yeah, where's the authentic ermine jacket for my johnson? Fuck, this post is such a cocktease!
They're not even pretty or nothin.
My dick goes nowhere without ermine!
posted by isopraxis at 1:12 AM on November 4, 2006


pepsi blue balls? right?
posted by kingfisher, his musclebound cat at 1:17 AM on November 4, 2006 [2 favorites]


Anyway, why do this through a marketing site? I find with a little ingenuity, all the materials I need for tricking out my penis for a night on the town or a business meeting are always at hand.

Macaroni and string makes a lovely necklace, cut a piece of fruit in half from a cherry tomato to a grapefruit and you have a stunning cap (durian is contraindicated) so experiment with jaunty angles!

A favorite trick of mine when at work and an important meeting arises without warning is to hustle off to the office supplies section if you have artistic abilities the sharpy works well for a quick sketch, but it lacks the dimensional qualities you can attain with binder clips and pen caps. Here's a secret I am finally sharing: want to add texture? what office is without used coffee grinds?

But this is only the beginning, feel free to explore to improvise and even to prepare. People think that my collection of army men on my desk is weird, but they misunderstand and think I am a military nut. If only they knew the truth they would see a different kingfisher, peaceful, creative, and packed with inguinal flair.
posted by kingfisher, his musclebound cat at 1:30 AM on November 4, 2006 [5 favorites]


grapefruit?
posted by CCBC at 2:02 AM on November 4, 2006


"grapefruit?"

I know. I was thinking the same thing. Waaaay to small.
posted by jahmoon at 2:27 AM on November 4, 2006


Personally I prefer the juxtaposition of an orchid or a bird of paradise wrapped neatly around mons pubis to encourage a certain pollenating-stamen quality of the member, but for the female sporting mons veneris, I prefer a neatly trimmed alfalfa or kindly crafted kudzu to bring out the nuances of mother-earth, made human. Never do daisys, as they lend an ascerbic scent to the natural perfumes which would otherwise be delectible, and of course no-one but a neophyte to pubic embellishment would ever take the risk of wrapping ones weiner in a wreath of deadly nightshade.

Yes, it may seem coy, but in this particular case, coy is deadly.
Keep to the edible, your prick'll be incredible.
posted by isopraxis at 2:53 AM on November 4, 2006


Jahmoon: I'm thinking of the sting. Citric acid on a delicate membrane is a quick way to get to a world of hurt.
posted by Jilder at 3:25 AM on November 4, 2006


Yeah, but thankfully the open sores finally healed last week so I can once again proceed with putting fruit on my penis...
posted by jahmoon at 3:33 AM on November 4, 2006


That one called The Abs will only "work" if your cock is white.
posted by bunglin jones at 4:04 AM on November 4, 2006


"I'm thinking maybe put a little hat on it... you know, for the people."
posted by XQUZYPHYR at 4:54 AM on November 4, 2006


can you get them in different sizes?
posted by zeteo at 5:22 AM on November 4, 2006


Penis blue.

True story.

At School my sex-ed teacher once complained that when she ordered "colored penis's" from Durex they sent her blue ones, not the brown/black she was expecting. An awkward silence descended upon the class at that point and she just looked confused.
posted by public at 5:28 AM on November 4, 2006


But my printer will only do eleven inches.
posted by weapons-grade pandemonium at 7:09 AM on November 4, 2006


I got a paper cut and broke my condom.
posted by robot at 7:20 AM on November 4, 2006


Where else would this even be possible?

I'm fairly certain this ad campaign appears in magazines too.
posted by ulotrichous at 7:49 AM on November 4, 2006


Just put your penis in a muffler.

Why not?
posted by soundofsuburbia at 7:57 AM on November 4, 2006


Pimp my Penis!

Seriously, if you want to add some flair to tallywhacker, get out the magic markers and do it yourself. These are pretty incredibly stupid and lame and you risk a paper cut on your cock. Maybe some guys are into that but not me.
posted by fenriq at 8:14 AM on November 4, 2006


The Members Only jacket made me laugh.
posted by horsewithnoname at 9:22 AM on November 4, 2006


I want a giraffe one.
posted by premiumpolar at 9:54 AM on November 4, 2006


My hotrod flame stripe is all the flash my dong needs.

Plus it makes it go faster [as if there were any need for that, really].
posted by phylum sinter at 10:13 AM on November 4, 2006


WARNING: Cut out paper decorations BEFORE placing on your penis.
posted by Down10 at 11:13 AM on November 4, 2006


**reaches for band-aids**....now you tell me.
posted by winks007 at 11:45 AM on November 4, 2006


I hope Burton Silver is getting a little something out of this, because they've totally ripped off his (much cleverer) Kokigami book.
posted by i_am_joe's_spleen at 11:47 AM on November 4, 2006


The Members Only jacket must have been slipped in there by a frustrated art director or something 'cause that was a wicked burn.
posted by loquacious at 1:40 PM on November 4, 2006


*weeps for GIFs*
posted by owhydididoit at 6:51 PM on November 4, 2006


I really am not smug. I'm sorry because I know it's not really within the scope of Metafilter, it's a commercial site, etc. But I saw an ad in a bar last night and it was too strange not to share. (The Comet in Seattle if you're wondering)
posted by BlackLeotardFront at 7:21 PM on November 4, 2006


But if print-and-cut decorations for your penis don't qualify as best of the web, then what does?

My penis, of course ?
posted by elpapacito at 6:36 AM on November 5, 2006


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