"If I Did It, Here's How It Happened."
November 15, 2006 5:22 AM   Subscribe

"O.J. Simpson, in his own words, tells for the first time how he would have committed the murders if he were the one responsible for the crimes," the network said in a statement. "In the two-part event, Simpson describes how he would have carried out the murders he has vehemently denied committing for over a decade."
posted by ®@ (145 comments total) 2 users marked this as a favorite

 
I swear I've seen this story in The Onion before.
posted by smackfu at 5:29 AM on November 15, 2006 [1 favorite]


Pepsi now sells OJ?
posted by srboisvert at 5:30 AM on November 15, 2006


Wikipedia: During 2003, Simpson filmed a Pay-Per-View comedy special titled Juiced. The show, a hidden camera set up show, included a controversial sketch where Simpson attempts to sell the infamous White Ford Bronco at a used car lot, telling the salesman, "It was good for me. It helped me get away."

Man, that is hilarious. I hope he discusses in the book how Nordberg would have handled the murders.
posted by inoculatedcities at 5:30 AM on November 15, 2006


I saw him being interviewed at home by some British personality, and as they walked thru his kitchen, he picked up a banana and pretended to stab her with it from behind. This was not very long after the aquittal, and it was then I realized how truly crazed the man is. He knows he did it, he just doesn't think it was wrong.
posted by thebrokedown at 5:36 AM on November 15, 2006


In a nutshell, OJ says if he had dunnit, he would have used the disintegrator ray he got from his space alien friends, and then escaped in their saucer.
posted by jfuller at 5:38 AM on November 15, 2006


Doesn't he have a book coming out with the same fake-pretend confession kinda thing?
posted by thirteenkiller at 5:51 AM on November 15, 2006


Oh yeah, I guess that's what this post is about.
posted by thirteenkiller at 5:51 AM on November 15, 2006


1. Murder
2. Get acquited
3. Write a book
4. Profit!

That's exactly what Sharon Stone's character did in Basic Instinct. (I just hope this doesn't mean an OJ beaver shot.)
posted by kirkaracha at 5:55 AM on November 15, 2006


oj, don't forget the part where you buy magic gloves that fit you anywhere outside of a courtroom ...
posted by pyramid termite at 6:07 AM on November 15, 2006


what
posted by sklero at 6:10 AM on November 15, 2006


I think to some degree, OJ just snapped in fury after the entire "wrongful death" lawsuit. Regardless of the criminal verdict it seems he absolutely hates Goldman's father, who quite understandably devoted his life to ruining OJ's. I think that Simpson has a very twisted and very horrific sense of humor in that he's openly trying mocking the murders and the aftermath to make Goldman suffer.
posted by XQUZYPHYR at 6:11 AM on November 15, 2006


I swear I've seen this story in The Onion before.

I don't think that even The Onion could have come up with this angle. "Innocent" guy trying to prove to the world that he is innocent writes a book saying just how guilty he could be? Classic.

Should sell well, though.
posted by TheFarSeid at 6:16 AM on November 15, 2006


I think to some degree, OJ just snapped in fury after the entire "wrongful death" lawsuit.

Uh. I think possibly he snapped in fury a little before that. Sorry, he WOULD have snapped in fury. If, you know, he had done it. Which he didn't. But he would have.
posted by veggieboy at 6:19 AM on November 15, 2006


Why is this guy still walking around? Oh yeah, Mark Fuhrman's fat mouth.

Oddly, I was just flipping channels the other night and Naked Gun 2 1/2 was on. Back when I first saw those movies, I thought of OJ as a retired football player who was a bad actor. Now, it's impossible to watch without getting creeped out a bit. Plus there was a rerun of Good Times I watched a few months ago where JJ and Thelma are having one of those 'battle of the sexes type arguments' and Thelma keeps throwing out the names of black female celebrities and JJ keeps retorting 'OJ Simpson!" Who knew?

attempts to sell the infamous White Ford Bronco at a used car lot, telling the salesman, "It was good for me. It helped me get away."

I remember when I first heard the news about 'the chase' and so help me, the first thing I thought of was those Hertz commercials where OJ 'flies' through the airport.
posted by jonmc at 6:19 AM on November 15, 2006


Oh, and the book is of course being published by Rupert Murdoch-owned ReganBooks, and broadcast on the Fox Network. Expect this to get as much outrage from the right as CBS' miniseries on the Reagans roughly around the time monkeys fly from my ass.
posted by XQUZYPHYR at 6:21 AM on November 15, 2006 [1 favorite]


Michael Jackson should try this strategy, too. And if Patsy Ramsey were still alive, she could have tried the same thing.
posted by emelenjr at 6:26 AM on November 15, 2006


I dunno, XQUZYPHYR. I pretty much think the OJ thing goes beyond left and right. There are those who realize he's guilty, meaning every sentient being with an IQ higher than a houseplant, and those who don't meaning everybody else.
posted by jonmc at 6:26 AM on November 15, 2006 [1 favorite]


What a sick world we live in when not only this kind of stuff gets aired, but that there might be an audience for it.
posted by runningdogofcapitalism at 6:28 AM on November 15, 2006


I thought OJ was spending all his time trying to find the real killer(s)? How's he have time to write a book?
posted by Crash at 6:50 AM on November 15, 2006


When someone puts OJ out of his misery, we'll all breath a sigh of relief.....
posted by HuronBob at 6:52 AM on November 15, 2006


jonmc, my point was more that it was easy for right-wingers to feign intense outrage and censor-via-mob-rule a docudrama because the lead actor playing Reagan was (gasp!) married to Barbara Streisand, but will hardly bat an eye at this short of whiny blog posts. I sincerely doubt Sean Hannity or Bill O'Reilly will be going on Fox News tonight to rail on Murdoch for allowing this to stain the Fox name. This is horrific, but clearly, it won't be considered as horrific as the War On Christmas™.

I guess I'm just amused by the irony that right-wingers treat the Fox network like a Republican treats their homosexual daughter, in that they will never say a bad word about her but are utterly ashamed of her actions and silently hope no one ever brings her existence up during the cocktail party.
posted by XQUZYPHYR at 6:52 AM on November 15, 2006


He was, Crash. Then he opened his eyes while shaving.
posted by Malor at 6:53 AM on November 15, 2006


When someone puts OJ out of his misery, we'll all breath a sigh of relief.....

Umm... what? Exactly what "sigh of relief" are you holding in? Was I supposed to be nervously pacing around my house for the last nine years muttering "oh shit, OJ's coming! OJ's coming for me!" or something? I missed that memo.

If someone "puts OJ out of his misery," I'll be worried about the murderer running around who just killed a guy, thanks.
posted by XQUZYPHYR at 6:57 AM on November 15, 2006 [1 favorite]


XQ, I don't disagree, but perhaps I see a glimmer of hop in the fact that both righties believe that OJ is guilty, guilty, guilty!

*lights candle*
posted by jonmc at 6:58 AM on November 15, 2006


If someone "puts OJ out of his misery," I'll be worried about the murderer running around who just killed a guy, thanks.

Well, that might be your public stance and maybe even your private one after thinking about it, but at least a part of you will smile and say 'he had it coming.'

I don't think anybody has been worried that OJ's coming to get them, HuronBob just phrased it poorly. I think we're all just a little irked that not only did the guy get away with murder, but he's still a celebrity and has the nerve to be 'cute' about it.
posted by jonmc at 7:08 AM on November 15, 2006


Seriously, will someone explain to me what OJ thinks he's doing here? I mean, is this some sort of bass-ackwards way of trying to prove he didn't do it? Is he going to come up with some half-baked explanation of how it would have been physically impossible for him to have committed the murder or is this just what it sounds like; a sick man fantasizing on national TV about how he would have wanted to murder his wife?
posted by Parannoyed at 7:21 AM on November 15, 2006


It's already been said, however, it bears repeating.

what
posted by cavalier at 7:26 AM on November 15, 2006


If someone "puts OJ out of his misery," I'll be worried about the murderer running around who just killed a guy, thanks.

When it comes to killers walking around free, I'll take a righteously vengeful Fred Goldman over a savagely psychopathic OJ.
posted by Optamystic at 7:36 AM on November 15, 2006 [1 favorite]


Boy oh boy. Can you imagine being one of OJ's kids?

OldNewsFilter, sorry.
posted by Mister_A at 7:37 AM on November 15, 2006


What a happy legacy for his children.
posted by jokeefe at 7:42 AM on November 15, 2006


Seriously, will someone explain to me what OJ thinks he's doing here?

Transparently cashing in any lingering specks of dignity and human decency in a desperate, pitiful grab for a few more royalty checks. Seems pretty clear.
posted by designbot at 7:43 AM on November 15, 2006


so...because of double jeopardy, does that mean we can't hang this f@#k if he reveals something that only the murderer would know (something that the police withheld from the public, for instance.)(though after that exhausting trial, what could be left to reveal? thanks to another mefite for this line of thought.)
posted by I, Credulous at 7:45 AM on November 15, 2006


I worked at a movie theater in Westwood where OJ used to come see films, and he would call ahead to let us know he was come. At which point, the manage would walk around the theater to remind the staff, individually, that we were not to bring up the the subject of the murder.

At least Jerry Lee Lewis lets us call him killer.
posted by Astro Zombie at 7:52 AM on November 15, 2006


XQUZYPHYR ... I was going to defend my remark..but, on second thought, I think I'll let it stand.. If it concerns ya...meh

personally, I think the guy brings an evil aura to everything he touches and we would be better off without him...
posted by HuronBob at 7:53 AM on November 15, 2006


I thought OJ was spending all his time trying to find the real killer(s)?

He's made real progress there. Seems he's narrowed down the suspects to a relatively small pool of golf caddies.
posted by Benny Andajetz at 7:54 AM on November 15, 2006


Speaking of his kids, I can't recall if he had full custody of them (with Nicole S.'s parents just getting visiting privileges). But that this freak had any contact with them at all is the creepiest aspect for me.

If there is an afterlife, I wonder if Nicole Simpson can rest easy knowing that he had those kids.

But then again, the American court system's obssession with bio-parents' rights is another whole sad story.
posted by NorthernLite at 7:59 AM on November 15, 2006


It makes good sense. He doesn't have any face to save. The crime is his life and his livelihood now, and he has a book to sell. Of course he did it, and of course he knows that you know he did it, so he knows he might as well confess and cash in on the confession, but he can't say he did it, not in so many words. There are laws against profiting from your crimes, aren't here? He can only say, "Well, supposing a guy like me did get a little crazy that night... [nudge nudge]"
posted by pracowity at 8:02 AM on November 15, 2006


He's made real progress there. Seems he's narrowed down the suspects to a relatively small pool of golf caddies.himself and himself.
posted by amberglow at 8:02 AM on November 15, 2006


Honestly, I cannot imagine what kind of a demented mind would buy his book or watch that show. O.J. is truly sick in the head, and anyone still wondering who killed those two people, here ya go.
posted by dbiedny at 8:13 AM on November 15, 2006


If someone "puts OJ out of his misery," I'll be worried about the murderer running around who just killed a guy, thanks.
posted by XQUZYPHYR


So how do you feel about OJ running around?
posted by NationalKato at 8:18 AM on November 15, 2006


But we know how he did it.
posted by grytpype at 8:18 AM on November 15, 2006


So how do you feel about OJ running around?

And he killed TWO people!
posted by grytpype at 8:19 AM on November 15, 2006


"well, first, i'd have had to take a lot of steroids, because from what i hear, that shit makes you crazy ... not that i would know that from personal experience"
posted by pyramid termite at 8:26 AM on November 15, 2006 [1 favorite]


Yeah but unless I am married to him or in some way involved with him, OJ is unlikely to bother me. But if the "avenger" decides I am unholy is some way, he just might come for me.

At the end of the day, I'd rather OJ be running around. He is less dangerous to the general public.
posted by Bovine Love at 8:29 AM on November 15, 2006


Why is he doing this? I suspect he just wants the money and the fame. Either that, or he has simply lost his fucking mind.

As for Murdoch pimping this project... I don't see a contradiction. The right wing hates OJ and the OJ verdict with a passion. They'll be thrilled to hear him fake-confess.

My prediction: the book and the interview will contain lots of yammering about how Nicole provoked him and how she could have avoided the whole thing if she'd just listened. Those are the sorts of justifications one always hears from abusive assholes.
posted by Clay201 at 8:31 AM on November 15, 2006


What a brutal motherf**ker. But we knew that already.
posted by fourcheesemac at 8:40 AM on November 15, 2006


This sounds like one of those guys who says "I would never cheat on my wife" and goes on to describe, often in great detail, how they'd do it, who they'd do it with, and why they think they can get away with it, and then say "But I DON'T. That's how dedicated I am. If I wanted to cheat, I could, but I don't."

It's an odd mix of self-absorbsion, delusion and arrogance, that reveals, if not an adulterer, a self-serving and ultimately fucked up logic set.
posted by Uther Bentrazor at 8:41 AM on November 15, 2006


Here's hoping nobody watches the show or buys the book.
posted by InfidelZombie at 8:52 AM on November 15, 2006


do you think OJ actually killed his wife?
posted by obeygiant at 8:53 AM on November 15, 2006


Shit yes.
posted by stenseng at 8:55 AM on November 15, 2006


It was the fuccin' druglords, no?
posted by Mister_A at 8:58 AM on November 15, 2006


Actually, whoever did do it, tried to do it well. Technically tho it was a poor attempt at a quiet kill (cut the cartoids and the jugular vein let body weight push chin into chest and all the blood rushing into the larynx prevents any screaming). But that didn't happen, the transecting neck wound was wider than it had to be and there are multiple non-fatal stab wounds and blunt trauma. And there was not a lot of blood in the larynx, lungs or stomach. And multiple stab wounds to the neck, which, I suspect, came from a left hand while a right hand immobilized and delivered the blunt trauma. (Cause if you're gonna attack someone who knows you intend violence - do it from behind so they don't see you coming). But there were defensive wounds on the hands, meaning she fought. And the neck wound was more of a coup de grace.

Which, typically in a murder of passion there are more superficial wounds, non-lethal wounds, and unnecessary lethal wounds than in, say, a contract killing (as was alluded to in the trial). And at least one very obvious killing blow to the heart, neck, etc. (You don't want to suffer, 'cause you love them, right?)
Goldman was stabbed in the neck as well - again, someone who's physically dominant, but only knows a few tricks in how to kill someone. And more and deeper hand wounds, meaning more time to fight.

Dunno. I think they were killed exactly the way someone like O.J. Simpson would kill them. It wasn't someone who dispassionately went about a task.

Which is what is so goofy about Simpson. I mean, who needs to kill him? He's in hell right now. He's never going to be able to get past this. I do feel sorry for his kids though. And for the justice system - but y'know, go figure. Lotsa people knew the system could be played. Most of those people were black. This was just confirmation.
posted by Smedleyman at 9:03 AM on November 15, 2006


I wonder if there would ever come a point where the NFL would show their disgust for this guy and remove him from the hall of fame.
posted by JWright at 9:05 AM on November 15, 2006


coroner reports on Nicole and Ron.

(the Fiato bros. prefer ball bats btw)
posted by Smedleyman at 9:06 AM on November 15, 2006


99% of the time Metafilter is a haven for somewhat intelligent discussion based on fact.

This thread, it appears, is the 1%.

OJ had no motive to kill the 30 year old ex-wife that was professionally knifed that night.

He endured an intense trial that outted a long list of fumbles, fuckups, and straight up lies by the LAPD.

Ron Goldman worked at a chi-chi Brentwood restaurant that had an inordinate amount of shady dealings going on in it, including other murders.

And yes, Mister_A, most people who actually watched the entire trial believe that the murders were carried out by those trying to collect on Nicole's outstanding drug debt.

Wake me when the real Metafilter returns.
posted by tsarfan at 9:09 AM on November 15, 2006 [1 favorite]


There's blood in my OJ this morning. Ew.
posted by owhydididoit at 9:10 AM on November 15, 2006


99% of the time Metafilter is a haven for somewhat intelligent discussion based on fact.

You must really cherrypick what threads you read.
posted by Kickstart70 at 9:21 AM on November 15, 2006


It will be interesting to see which companies choose to advertise during this fine family entertainment programming.

I've said it before and I'll say it again: Paddy Chayefsky was right.

OJ had no motive to kill the 30 year old ex-wife that was professionally knifed that night.

Anyone who writes that sentence shouldn't criticize other comments in this thread.
posted by pmurray63 at 9:32 AM on November 15, 2006


OJ had no motive to kill the 30 year old ex-wife that was professionally knifed that night.

but that's not going to stop him from speculating how he would have done it if he'd had a motive, right? ... cause we all know that survivors of someone who is murdered all want to write books about how they would have done the deed instead

something doesn't add up here
posted by pyramid termite at 9:37 AM on November 15, 2006


Think of it this way:

Suppose you're convicted of punching your wife in the face. A few years later, post divorce and all that good stuff, your wife and her current boyfriend turn up dead, apparently stabbed to death in a fit of rage. The police come to arrest you and find that you're trying to flee the country. You've dgot thousands of dollars in cash, a disguise, and a gun and you're headed to the airport. The police chase you through Los Angeles for a couple of hours, trying - along with your long time time friend, who's in the passenger seat - to talk you out of killing yourself. After your arrest, the district attorney tells you that DNA testing establishes that your blood was at the scene of the crime. The police find a bloody glove at your house and blood stains in your car.

You're middle class, don't have a lot of income and not famous. Your lawyer will be some local guy that no one has ever heard of.

Now... what do you figure the chances are you'll be convicted of murder?
posted by Clay201 at 9:39 AM on November 15, 2006


This is what I immediately thought of when heard about OJ's Fox interview: In a January 1956 article in Look Magazine for which they were paid, JW Milam and Roy Bryant admitted to journalist William Bradford Huie that he and his brother had killed [Emmett] Till. They did not fear being tried again for the same crime because of the double jeopardy right. (wiki)

I remember thinking that was insane when I read about it in grade school, but then my teacher said it wouldn't happen like that nowadays, that if someone did something to incriminate themselves that openly, they could face trial again.

Guess not.
posted by ambulance blues at 9:40 AM on November 15, 2006


I presume Greta's show will run for the next month poring through the details surrounding the tragic death of yet another pretty white girl.
posted by wabashbdw at 9:41 AM on November 15, 2006


"OJ had no motive to kill the 30 year old ex-wife that was professionally knifed that night."


Oh please. Tsarfan, if you actually believe any of that crap you posted, I've got some nice bridge-front property in the Brooklyn area you should take a peek at...
posted by stenseng at 9:43 AM on November 15, 2006


but then my teacher said it wouldn't happen like that nowadays, that if someone did something to incriminate themselves that openly, they could face trial again.

Your parents should see about a refund.
posted by Kwantsar at 9:50 AM on November 15, 2006


There are those who realize he's guilty, meaning every sentient being with an IQ higher than a houseplant, and those who don't meaning everybody else.

How do I test the IQ of my houseplant?

Wikipedia I think that OJ's son, Jason Simpson, deserves more attention than he got at the time.

Of course, why OJ would go on TV and talk about any of this is another matter entirely....
posted by anastasiav at 9:50 AM on November 15, 2006


Oh great now he's murdering the subjunctive.
posted by washburn at 9:57 AM on November 15, 2006 [3 favorites]


About a week ago I breathed a deep sigh of relief when I read that this was a hoax. Guess not.

I'm making a pact not to spend a cent on his book, nor pollute a single brain cell watching the show. Anyone else?
posted by feather at 10:01 AM on November 15, 2006


OJ had no motive to kill the 30 year old ex-wife that was professionally knifed that night

In other news:

Turkey did not ethnically cleanse half a million Armenians

WMD found behind dumpster in Green Zone - "Ooops" says Rummy

Teflon Don John Gotti just a middle class construction worker
posted by spicynuts at 10:03 AM on November 15, 2006


Keep sleeping tsarfan. And you're either pulling our leg or deceiving yourself if you believe that most of the people living in LA at the time who watched all the trial think that OJ is innocent. That's just ludicrous. The OJ verdict is contentious at the least, especially in LA.
posted by tula at 10:09 AM on November 15, 2006


A question: Wouldn't any profits that OJ might realize from this endeavor end up feeding the maw of the various civil litigations that have been filed against him over the years? Or is that just a figment of my imagination?
posted by blucevalo at 10:11 AM on November 15, 2006


I thought OJ's freedom was the price of avoiding another race riot in LA.
posted by Tbola at 10:22 AM on November 15, 2006 [1 favorite]


One of the treasured memories from my youth is my attendance, with my dad, at a lot of USC games in which Simpson played. We would sit in end zone seats and watch Steve Sogge hand off to Simpson, the Trojans winning that way for a few years running.

The memory is still precious, but the guy, sheesh.
posted by Danf at 10:23 AM on November 15, 2006


Tsarfan sounds like the mental midget I was working with during the time of the trial.
"Blood? Blood means nothing!"
This was a person that insisted on OJ's innocence from day one because "He's a great guy".
posted by 2sheets at 10:44 AM on November 15, 2006


motive for writing a fictitious book based on all the suppositions of people who think he's guilty: millions of dollars

motive for killing your second ex-wife while you're a millionaire who's banging a Playmate: zero

that slow car chase that you mention, poorly, Clay201, was never brought up in the epic case. some say because then it would open up the case to go down the path that OJ had that money to pay off the drug dealers so that they wouldnt kill him too.

regardless, the so-called crimes of passion were too professionally done to seriously think that an amateur like OJ could perform them, feet away from busy Bundy Ave, and they weren't done passionately.

the 9-1-1 call, if actually listened to, is Nicole calling the cops because OJ finds that she has drug dealers and prostitutes in her house with the kids. that's passion. but not for the druggy ex-wife, for his kids.

OJ could get any woman he wanted at that point. He was loved all over LA and the world. He had been with Nicole since she was a teenager. They had been divorced for years before the murders. And she had begun hanging out with unseemly circles involving Faye Resnick, who coincidentally re-entered rehab the day after the slayings. Some say it was her drug debt that Nicole was murdered for, so that Resnick would pay up.

If any of this is true, it would explain why OJ appears creepy about "searching for the real killers". It's because he knows who it is in a general sense, but has no clue specifically.

There are murders almost every day in LA. Many of them over drugs. To assume that one couldn't happen in Brentwood, in a style that mimics that of a drug murder (self-link), not a crime of passion, is foolish.

As is ignoring things like the missing blood, Fuhrman hopping the ex-husband's fence and conveniently discovering the glove, that didn't fit.

But if people want to believe that OJ's little heart was broken and despite being able to get any woman he wanted, would kill Nicole because he could no longer be with her... then those are particularly the people who this foolish book is for.
posted by tsarfan at 10:56 AM on November 15, 2006


Blucevalo, I think you are right. He owes millions to the Goldmans from their wrongful death verdict. I can't find any information about how much he has paid, but there's plenty out there about steps he has taken to avoid making payments.
posted by owhydididoit at 11:00 AM on November 15, 2006


So in other words, Tsarfan...

THERE IS NO CONCEIVABLE MOTIVE FOR KILLING EX-WIFE AND MOTHER OF CHILDREN. RECENT ACQUISITION OF FUCK-BUDDY PRECLUDES MURDEROUS RAGE.
posted by Mister_A at 11:07 AM on November 15, 2006


Cuz you know what Tsarfan? There was at least one woman he couldn't "get" - Nicole Brown Simpson.

PS You are a misogynistic troll. Just sayin'.
posted by Mister_A at 11:09 AM on November 15, 2006


Saying that a person with a history of spousal abuse did not have a motive to kill said spouse means that you know very little about the patterns of domestic violence and domestic violence in general.

There was the presence of Simpson's hair in the hat that was found at the scene. There was a shoe print from an extremely unique shoe and size that Simpson owned found at the scene. There was a glove recovered at the scene that matched gloves that Simpson was photographed wearing. There was no alibi. Every imaginable piece of evidence you could wish for (blood, hair, clothing, motive, opportunity, flight, physcial marks on defendant) was present except him being videotaped. But for his being a celebrity, there would have been no way in the world he is found not guilty.
posted by flarbuse at 11:13 AM on November 15, 2006


tsarfan, so you're saying OJ wrote his book particularly for me? *swoon*
posted by NationalKato at 11:15 AM on November 15, 2006


Professional? What THE fuck!?

tsarfan, that killing was ANYTHING but professional. Read the frigg'n autopsy for shit sake! Or maybe racist LA cops doctored that. They HATES them the professional sports negroes that much!

If you want a professional hit you walk up, smile, and SHOOT the motherfuckers. You don't get in a five minute wrestling match and hack away at them getting evidence all over yourself.

This killing was text fucking book rage. Precisely the type of thing that big strong guys, who can count on over-powering smaller people do. Guys who have sat and stewed for a few hours and then done some coke, flip out, and do.

Motive? The man, a bully and coddled athlete, had along history of domestic abuse and had a fondness for knives and cocaine. He was possesive and there was bitter custody battle. Motive. Sheeee-it.

Oh. And there was all that DNA evidence.

Do the fucking math.

Were there drugs involved? Hells yes. Likely. It's hard to find a murder in this country where there aren't. Goldman and Nichole were maybe going to snort some coke. OJ was likely flying on the shit. ALL had had problems with drugs. People don't get offed by drug lords for USING. You don't kill your own customers. This rumor, with NO basis, was a blatant attempt by Cocraine's defense team to defame the victims. Looks like some people bought into it.

Let us NEVER speak of this again.
posted by tkchrist at 11:16 AM on November 15, 2006


If Chewbacca lives on Endor, you must acquit.
posted by robot at 11:18 AM on November 15, 2006


According to a 1997 Gallup poll, blacks were three times as likely as whites to believe that Simpson was properly acquitted. Not much has changed.

We've got drug-related violence right here in Wisconsin, and it never looks like this. If it's a murder, it's a turf battle. If it's a beating, it's a debt. You don't kill the people who owe you money. That just never made any sense to me. Meanwhile, this guy who shouldn't have any reason to is trying to flee the country under a tarp.

At the same time, Fuhrman lied like a motherfucker and may even have moved the bloody glove.

So O.J. was guilty and framed.

Whatever. At least we got the Dancing Itos out of it.
posted by dhartung at 11:36 AM on November 15, 2006


washburn: My guess is the ungrammatical title of the book is a snarky hoodwink on O.J. by publishing execs smarter than he. "If I did it" is O.J.'s half of the title. "Here's how it happened" is the marketers', acknowledging to readers that of couse O.J. did the murders -- but the doofuspsychokiller is in such deep denial that he doesn't even get the 4th-grade irony of his own book's title.
posted by turducken at 11:39 AM on November 15, 2006


If I see the "mimics a drug murder" bullshit one more time I am using telekinesis to bitch slap somebody though the internet.
The Peruvian Necktie, or whatever, is mostly a silly fiction. It's what drug dealers do to informants or other dealers in a tiny frigg'n miniscule fraction of killings perpetrated.

You know how many "drug related killings" there have been worldwide since the 1980's? Hundreds of thousands if not MILLIONS.

And do you know the number one reason? Hold on to your hats! People's judgements are skewed when they are high! Wow!

It isn't frigg'n drug lords (tm) (do you know how stupid that phrase is "drug lords?".) It's Bob Sixpack smok'n too much meth, or crack, or drinking too many beers and hitting Betty Sixpack over the head with a shovel. It's petty. And it's over nothing.

And the remaining drug related murders? Drug Hits, if you will. Overwhelmingly done with GUNS. I don't have the stats in front of me but I bet it's close to like 90%.

Note
Drug dealers, when they kill over money, it isn't with thier customers. It's with OTHER dealers.

You don't (often) kill your customers for owing you money. Not if there is the slightest chance you will get paid.

Nichole Brown Simpson was RICH. There is no evidence she had ANY serious debts. Let alone drug debts. She wasn't flying down to Colombia for her coke. Jesus. You can score coke from nearly any bartender or Limo driver in LA. these guys are not killers. You don't have to buy it from frigg'n Tony Montana.

She had no debts we know of. At least none that her well-off family wouldn't easily be able to pay off. No drug dealer is going to off her for owing them shit.
posted by tkchrist at 12:37 PM on November 15, 2006


motive for writing a fictitious book based on all the suppositions of people who think he's guilty: millions of dollars

he isn't going to get that ... and he would have gotten more if he'd written about who he REALLY "thought" did the murders, as people wouldn't look upon that with the kind of disgust they will with this book

let's face it ... the writing of a hypothetical "confession" is a cynical and desperate act that doesn't quite match what an innocent person would do

motive for killing your second ex-wife while you're a millionaire who's banging a Playmate: zero

nope ... being a controlling asshole dick is motive enough for a lot of guys who kill their exes
posted by pyramid termite at 12:52 PM on November 15, 2006


I'm making a pact not to spend a cent on his book [...]
posted by feather


you have to make pacts not to purchase something you have no interest in?
posted by haveanicesummer at 1:14 PM on November 15, 2006


I love that the book cover has "If" in white letters on its own, and then "I DID IT" in bold red letters. Subtle, Juice. Subtle.
posted by ktoad at 1:15 PM on November 15, 2006


“OJ had no motive to kill the 30 year old ex-wife that was professionally knifed that night.”

Excuse me? Professionally knifed? Do you even know WTF you’re talking about? Killed folks with knives have you? Seen it done? Trained for it? Seen the results? Been a street cop or a coroner? Anything? I’m not going to debate motive (as an aside, I will say a husband has no motive to beat on his wife or vice versa - yet domestic violence happens all the time, and can result in a fatality) or whether OJ did it - I speculate that he did - or any of the evidence - but there is no way this was done ‘professionally’. Or rather, if it was, it was pretty damned sloppy.
Is the LAPD racist, etc. etc? Yep.
But that doesn’t change the nuts and bolts of killing someone. Technique is technique.
And forensic results don’t lie. If they were each killed with a silenced pistol shot or a single cartoid wound or they were garotted or something more straightforward I’d think “gee, that doesn’t sound like a jealous husband.”
As it was - multiple stab wounds, multiple trauma. A hitman doesn’t have the passion and wouldn’t waste the time. And someone more amateurish - say a low level thug - wouldn’t care about keeping it quiet. And yeah, everyone from the juice guys out to the real desperados knows you don’t kill your customers. Especially in a very stylistic, consistent and traceable manner like a ‘Columbian necktie’. Ridiculous 70’s cop show b.s.
posted by Smedleyman at 1:20 PM on November 15, 2006


"But of course, for that ending to work, you would have to ignore all the Simpson DNA evidence. And that would be downright nutty."
posted by machaus at 1:39 PM on November 15, 2006 [1 favorite]


You don't (often) kill your customers for owing you money. Not if there is the slightest chance you will get paid.

I've heard that the mob doesn't even really physically enforce gambling debts much anymore, if you welch, they just blacklist you.
posted by sonofsamiam at 1:45 PM on November 15, 2006


This is still one of my favorite write-ups on the whole OJ circus - a retrospective by resident ESPN sports columnist Bill Simmons. (ESPN got evil recently and gives the subscription-only treatment to some of his older columns. I don't know how long the link will remain viable - so my apologies if it's sucked away).

12 years later, I need to get something off my chest: I cheered when he was proclaimed innocent, mostly because a hot girl I liked had jumped into my car to listen to the verdict with me, and it was a cool conversation to engage in. I am now free from the sweaty shackles of testosterone-fueled delusion. Mostly.
posted by krippledkonscious at 1:57 PM on November 15, 2006


That vacant look on his face reminds me of someone else, but I'm not sure who. The runaway bride?
posted by pracowity at 2:11 PM on November 15, 2006


Not only is OJ guilty, he's also innocent of not being guilty.
posted by gigawhat? at 2:17 PM on November 15, 2006


Even the jurors who acquitted him said that they thought he probably did it, but like it or not, it's how the system works. Hopefully it would work as well for any of us (though we would certainly lack the same resources) were we falsely accused of something. There is always going to be a margin of error, so I would rather see it tilted in favor the side of keeping someone innocent out of jail, even if it means a killer goes loose.

Simpson might be hoping that the audacity of this move somehow proves his innocence. (Though when Catherine Tramell did this in 'Basic Instinct,' she at least wrote the book before the murders.)

My favorite quote about this case, though, from David Lynch on the inspiration for Lost Highway:

I wasn't really aware of it at the time, but it must have been inspired by, subconsciously anyway, the O.J. Simpson trial. And how O.J. Simpson's mind had to be tricked, so that he could go out and play golf, rather than commit suicide for the deed he did.
posted by troybob at 2:18 PM on November 15, 2006


I believe that OJ killed Nicole Simpson and Ron Goldman, but the not guilty verdict was correct because there were enough questions about the blood lab and the police for reasonable doubt. Fuhrman was caught perjuring himself on the stand.

I think Mark Fuhrman planted the glove at OJ's house. Look at the prosecution's map of the house., the trail of blood spots from the Bronco to the house, and where the glove was found. Where they found the glove has never made sense to me.

Even the jurors who acquitted him said that they thought he probably did it, but like it or not, it's how the system works.

That's how it's supposed to work. The jury's job is not to decide if the person did it or not, it's their job to decide if the prosecution proved it beyond a reasonable doubt or not.
posted by kirkaracha at 2:40 PM on November 15, 2006


From the Bill Simmons article
The defense had no case -- if anything, they just sat back like Bernard Hopkins, waited for the prosecution to screw up and pounced on every mistake.

WTF

Umm.... that's their job.
posted by Rubbstone at 2:47 PM on November 15, 2006


Wouldn't any profits that OJ might realize from this endeavor end up feeding the maw of the various civil litigations that have been filed against him over the years? Or is that just a figment of my imagination?

In theory, yes. In practice ...
Simpson has failed to pay the $33.5 million judgment against him in the civil case. His NFL pension and his Florida home cannot legally be seized. He and the families of the victims have wrangled over the money in court for years.

The victim' families could go after the proceeds from the book's sales to pay off the judgment. But one legal analyst said there are ways to get around that requirement - like having proceeds not go directly to Simpson.

"Clever lawyering can get you a long way," said Laurie Levenson, a Loyola University law school professor and former federal prosecutor who has followed the case closely.
posted by pmurray63 at 3:05 PM on November 15, 2006


from an extremely unique shoe and size that Simpson owned found at the scene

Pardon me for just a second...extremely unique? Gah.

OK. I'm back now.

from an extremely unique shoe and size that Simpson owned found at the scene

hypothetically, that is, like, if he were guilty.
posted by beelzbubba at 3:12 PM on November 15, 2006


motive for killing your second ex-wife while you're a millionaire who's banging a Playmate: zero

"In videotaped testimony in the civil case, Barbieri said she left a message on Simpson's telephone answering machine on the morning of the day of the slayings, telling him their relationship was over."

link

Does the end of the Playmate banging give O.J. a motive?

Clever lawyering can get you a long way

No shit.
posted by mrgrimm at 3:18 PM on November 15, 2006


I believe that OJ killed Nicole Simpson and Ron Goldman, but the not guilty verdict was correct because there were enough questions about the blood lab and the police for reasonable doubt. Fuhrman was caught perjuring himself on the stand.

I think Mark Fuhrman planted the glove at OJ's house. Look at the prosecution's map of the house., the trail of blood spots from the Bronco to the house, and where the glove was found. Where they found the glove has never made sense to me.

Even the jurors who acquitted him said that they thought he probably did it, but like it or not, it's how the system works.

That's how it's supposed to work. The jury's job is not to decide if the person did it or not, it's their job to decide if the prosecution proved it beyond a reasonable doubt or not.
posted by kirkaracha at 3:19 PM on November 15, 2006


;)
posted by Effigy2000 at 3:20 PM on November 15, 2006


Just because he was ineptly framed by racist cops doesn't mean that he isn't as guilty as sin. Nobody flees with a gun to their head, a disguise, great fripping wodges of cash, and a passport if they're innocent. Period. We don't even need to get into the *overwhelming evidence* against him, Fuhrman Factor or no.

If you honestly, in your heart of hearts, believe this guy is innocent, there is nothing any of us can say that will convince you otherwise. However, we can say that you're not very good at taking individual facts and forming a cohesive theory from them.
posted by tzikeh at 3:30 PM on November 15, 2006




I'm making a pact not to spend a cent on his book [...]
posted by feather


you have to make pacts not to purchase something you have no interest in?
posted by haveanicesummer


Nope, I'm making a pact because I'm curious, maybe moreso than some because it happened in my hometown. The murder occurred 2 buildings down from my elementary school, and Simpson lived across the street from where my mother grew up.

Hell, yah, I'm curious! I just won't pay him!
posted by feather at 4:03 PM on November 15, 2006


I can't even imagine how anyone who didn't do it would actually choose to relive it by writing a book like this, and then going all over tv to talk about it--over and over and over. No grieving husband who truly loved his wife and cared about her memory would ever do that.
posted by amberglow at 4:06 PM on November 15, 2006


From a completely different perspective:

I'm glad the book is coming out and the interview. It continues to remind people how mentally damaged OJ Simpson is...but much more importantly it points out how warped and messed up abusers are, how they delude themselves and create a mythology in their minds that allows them to continue to hurt people.

Weird as it may sound, writing this book is another example of OJ not admitting that he did it. OJ doesn't feel or "believe" what happened...but yet he has the memories.

It may sound trite, but if one woman's family or friends sees this and thinks "shit, we've got to step in and help her get out of that abusive relationship" then it's a good thing.

Plus it helps reduce the number of tsarfan-like believers out there too.
posted by django_z at 4:24 PM on November 15, 2006


Maybe he's hoping the real killer will get all pissed off at O.J.'s awful plan and write a competing book called "The Way I Killed Her Was Way Better Than the Way O.J. Would Have." and therefore give himself away.

Once that happens, I think all you people will owe Mr. Simpson a sincere apology.
posted by haveanicesummer at 4:28 PM on November 15, 2006 [1 favorite]



I think Mark Fuhrman planted the glove at OJ's house.


yeah, most of the people I discussed this with agree -- the glove was planted, even if OJ is guilty. Fuhrman tried to spice up the evidence, you know, because they never get caught doing that, helping the DA a little. for once, they did get caught. simple as that. too bad the DA office couldn't find prosecutors who were not morons -- he could have had a chance. maybe.

LAPD racism and prosecutorial incompetence freed OJ, not the jury. the jury didn't plant the evidence or perjured themselves on the stand or were taped discussing the beauty of genocidal solutions for, and I quote, "the niggers" and "the lazy Mexicans". the glove fiasco? quite clearly, it wasn't a juror's fault.

Smedleyman wisely points out how _unprofessional_, if anything, the killing was. it was up close and personal -- the killer almost beheaded her, the head was still attached to the body by some flaps of tissue and by the spinal cord (at least one vertebra was broken). Goldman wasn't injured as bad -- the killer didn't hate him as much.

I remember reading that even one of his lawyers admitted being troubled by the blood in Simpson's car. to me, that was the smoking gun, too.

having said that, in a post-AttaqIraq world, the righteous outrage at the only black man who -- thanks to his black and Jewish lawyers -- tricked the LAPD like, EVAR, seems to me a bit fishy, with all due respect. if we're discussing killers, at least OJ Simpson unlike, say, Donald Rumsfled and Dick Cheney and the other architects of the war even the American electorate is slowly getting tired of, killed two people, not several thousands.

the OJ-mania is so 1990s. you know, that distant decade when Presidents lied about fellatio and the world seemed about to end.
posted by matteo at 4:29 PM on November 15, 2006


This a godsend for Jay Leno and every other hack comic.

No one else cares anymore.
posted by drjimmy11 at 4:39 PM on November 15, 2006


And there was all that DNA evidence.

One of my pet peeves is the overlap between the large subset of Americans who are certain OJ was guilty and mad as hell about it, and at the same time certain that evolution is "just a theory" and that God created humans in their present form. Despite all the DNA evidence.

But then creationism is pretty much just the theological version of jury nullification.
posted by Creosote at 4:43 PM on November 15, 2006


the OJ-mania is so 1990s.

sure ... i haven't thought or talked about oj for years ... but here's the thing ... it's a dead issue ... has been for years ... it's like an entry for a "what are they doing now?" list of people who've disappeared

so what does oj do? ... does he lay low, anticipating the day when he'll be a reasonably obscure obit on a slow news day? ... oh, hell, no, he comes up with the most provocative, outrageous, attention getting idea for a book he could have, aside from an outright confession

he wants to relive the circus a little ... it's kind of sick
posted by pyramid termite at 5:36 PM on November 15, 2006


How very "Naked Lunch".
posted by o0o0o at 6:04 PM on November 15, 2006


So, crime pays after all.

Apparently.

Nice job Fox Broadcasting. How do you people sleep at night?
posted by scheptech at 10:10 PM on November 15, 2006


having said that, in a post-AttaqIraq world, the righteous outrage at the only black man who -- thanks to his black and Jewish lawyers -- tricked the LAPD like, EVAR, seems to me a bit fishy, with all due respect. if we're discussing killers, at least OJ Simpson unlike, say, Donald Rumsfled and Dick Cheney and the other architects of the war even the American electorate is slowly getting tired of, killed two people, not several thousands.

The whole OJ thing pretty much boiled down to white people upset that a black man beat them at their own crooked game. Still does, for the most part.

I have to agree with matteo that the obsession with OJ is kind of weird, but hey — if it helps distract FOX News viewers from the various crimes of drug purchase, pedophilia, murder and extortion committed by the likes of Foley, Haggart, Rumsfeld, Cheney, Limbaugh, DeLay and Abramoff — every ounce of creepy outrage helps.
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 10:24 PM on November 15, 2006



the obsession with OJ is kind of weird


Two things weirder:

A mentality that forgives murder because of skin color.

Fox Broadcasting's involvement... unless their plan is to play OJ the same way Martin Bashir played Michael Jackson...
posted by scheptech at 11:00 PM on November 15, 2006


A mentality that forgives murder because of skin color

You're begging the question, but then this whole thread is about doing just that. I'm not going to get into a debate about the details, but the system worked — evidently too well.
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 11:14 PM on November 15, 2006


The whole OJ thing pretty much boiled down to white people upset that a black man beat them at their own crooked game.

yeah, it's not like anyone DIED or something

I have to agree with matteo that the obsession with OJ is kind of weird,

especially when oj is doing his damnedest to wind it back up
posted by pyramid termite at 4:10 AM on November 16, 2006


especially when oj is doing his damnedest to wind it back up

Yeah, it's not like the book publisher and the cable television station are owned by the same tycoon or anything.

Why they would all want to work together to help OJ "wind it back up" is beyond me. Maybe it's just corporations doing their civic duty to rile up the racists after a crushing loss at the polls? Or maybe just to move product? Who knows?
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 4:39 AM on November 16, 2006


Yeah, it's not like the book publisher and the cable television station are owned by the same tycoon or anything.

so oj's not responsible for that, either? ... next thing i know, you'll tell me it wasn't him running down that football field ...

Maybe it's just corporations doing their civic duty to rile up the racists after a crushing loss at the polls?

over 50% of americans don't give a fuck about the election ... which is why they didn't vote in it ... but it's all part of the conspiracy, man ...
posted by pyramid termite at 4:58 AM on November 16, 2006


Why they would all want to work together to help OJ "wind it back up" is beyond me. Maybe it's just corporations doing their civic duty to rile up the racists after a crushing loss at the polls? Or maybe just to move product? Who knows?

Well, it IS November Sweeps.
posted by Remy at 5:46 AM on November 16, 2006


Maybe it's just corporations doing their civic duty to rile up the racists after a crushing loss at the polls?

Heh, well that's a stretch. More like corporations doing their corporate duty to rustle up some money. They don't care one way or the other if this causes racial tension if it benefits them financially. Just like, in the first place, Mr's Cochran and Simpson didn't care if playing the race card caused racial tension in society at large since it benefited them financially and legally. It's exactly the same self serving cynicism back for another round. And, weirdly enough, this time Simpsons allies are right-wing media people instead of lawyers. It's the bizzaro story that just keeps on giving.
posted by scheptech at 7:20 AM on November 16, 2006


"Lotsa people knew the system could be played. Most of those people were black. This was just confirmation."

Smedleyman, for 300+ years most schvartzes have known the American system could be played because it's been played against them. Ever heard of slavery? Lynching? Jim Crow? Restrictive Covenants? (Want a few pages of wikipedia links?)

As for OJ v. Goldman pere, I'm with Bovine Love.
posted by davy at 7:53 AM on November 16, 2006


so oj's not responsible for that, either?

Responsible for what, "either"?
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 8:25 AM on November 16, 2006


you act as if the book and the tv show just happened to him instead of it being HIS project
posted by pyramid termite at 8:33 AM on November 16, 2006


You know that the only reason he was put on a television station was because that television station is owned by the same media conglomerate selling his book, right?
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 8:44 AM on November 16, 2006


i don't know any such thing ... neither do you ... i do know that none of this happened without oj's approval
posted by pyramid termite at 9:00 AM on November 16, 2006


i don't know any such thing ... neither do you ...

Nor do you know about whether he is guilty of murder, ironically.
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 9:11 AM on November 16, 2006


he was found liable in civil court for the death of goldman ... but it's all part of the conspiracy, man
posted by pyramid termite at 9:22 AM on November 16, 2006


My guess is the ungrammatical title of the book is a snarky hoodwink on O.J. by publishing execs smarter than he.

When I saw the title, I immediately questioned why it was "If I Did It" and not "If I'd Done It," and wondered if it was almost an admission of sorts (something like a Freudian slip).

I love that the book cover has "If" in white letters on its own, and then "I DID IT" in bold red letters.


This could be the reason. Still, it just doesn't seem like he tried too hard to distance himself from the act.
posted by war wrath of wraith at 10:19 AM on November 16, 2006


How very "Naked Lunch".
posted by o0o0o

I was thinking “L.A. Confidential”

Dudley Smith: Edmund, you're a political animal. You have the eye for human weakness, but not the stomach.
Ed Exley: You're wrong, sir.
Captain Dudley Smith: Would you be willing to plant corroborative evidence on a suspect you knew to be guilty, in order to ensure an indictment?
Ed Exley: Dudley, we've been over this.
Captain Dudley Smith: Yes or no, Edmund?
Ed Exley: No!
Captain Dudley Smith: Would you be willing to beat a confession out of a suspect you knew to be guilty?
Ed Exley: No.
Captain Dudley Smith: Would you be willing to shoot a hardened criminal in the back, in order to offset the chance that some... lawyer...
Ed Exley: No.
Captain Dudley Smith: Then, for the love of God, don't be a detective.


“Ever heard of slavery? Lynching? Jim Crow? Restrictive Covenants?”
posted by davy

Have you ever heard of Plato, Aristotle, Socrates?
Morans.

Actually, the point being, not all the people so hosed have been black. Given your use of the term schvartzes, I figure you’d know that. But not all of our great white brothers did.
posted by Smedleyman at 4:53 PM on November 16, 2006


Regan's Reasons for publishing the book. (Link probably has limited shelf-life.)
posted by The Deej at 6:30 PM on November 16, 2006


I have not spent a lifetime in the study of deception detection, but ex-CIA specialist Phil Houston has. “When killers confess,” he told me, “the way they often do it is by creating a hypothetical”—and then they spill their guts.

from the deej's link ...
posted by pyramid termite at 7:17 PM on November 16, 2006


i was just about to link it too--how sad that she tries to rationalize it this way--and rewarding him with millions (that 3rd party stuff is a crock--it's going to a 3rd party so the Goldmans can't get it--and they're due it because of the civil judgment) as payback for what was done to her? pathetically inappropriate.
posted by amberglow at 7:59 PM on November 16, 2006


... O.J. Simpson, who has failed to pay a $33.5 million judgment in a 1997 wrongful death lawsuit.

"He personally has never paid a dime on the judgment to anyone," Fred Goldman said. "He has made it very clear over the years that he has no intention of doing so." ...

posted by amberglow at 8:01 PM on November 16, 2006


this whole thing is now even more sick and sad.
posted by amberglow at 8:05 PM on November 16, 2006


"So here's what I'm going to do as a citizen. I'm not going to watch the Simpson show or even look at the book. I'm not even going to look at it. If any company sponsors the TV program, I will not buy anything that company sells -- ever." -- Bill O'Reilly on this whole mess.

Um.

Bill, you genius, FOX is the company broadcasting the program. YOUR OWN PEOPLE.
posted by sparkletone at 2:26 PM on November 17, 2006


From Regan's statement:

"My son is now 25 years old, my daughter 15. I wanted them, and everyone else, to have a chance to see that there are consequences to grievous acts. ... And I wanted, as so many victims do, to hear him say, 'I did it and I am sorry.'"

Consequences such as ... writing a book and making money off said grievous acts? Yep, that's pretty harsh. Did she *really* expect him to apologize? Unbelievable.
posted by Nathanial Hörnblowér at 7:23 PM on November 17, 2006


Coming Soon from Regan Books
posted by maryh at 8:30 PM on November 18, 2006


Even the jurors who acquitted him said that they thought he probably did it, but like it or not, it's how the system works.

That's how it's supposed to work. The jury's job is not to decide if the person did it or not, it's their job to decide if the prosecution proved it beyond a reasonable doubt or not.


posted by troybob at 2:18 PM

You are referring to the same jury that deliberated for four whole hours after listening to six months of testimony? Are you sure that they considered all the evidence to come to their reasonable doubt conclusion? Fer Chrissakes, I've spent more time researching my next camera purchase.
posted by killy willy at 5:04 AM on November 20, 2006


Both the book and interview have been cancelled.
posted by Nathanial Hörnblowér at 1:21 PM on November 20, 2006


And now it has been canceled.
posted by drezdn at 1:25 PM on November 20, 2006




*big Nelson Munz ‘HA-HA’*

Y’know what’d be strange, if O.J. listens to hardcore rap (in his white bronco) in traffic. That’d be weird sitting next to him at a light and he’s bobbing his head to Cypress Hill’s “How I could just kill a man” or even motown songs about killing people/girlfriends, etc. Or even vaguely threatening (Nowhere to run/nowhere to hide, baby)

All kinds of personal crap, just regular day to day life stuff, would seem really, really creepy when it’s O.J. doing it. Sharpening the kitchen knives. Watching a horror movie like “Scream” and you’re thinking “Is he critiquing this?” I think it’d be weird watching him work with power tools, or hell, even changing a lightbulb.
(How many O.J. Simpsons does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Absolutely, one hundred percent, none)
I wouldn’t think he’d be able to have sex with anyone but a hooker at this point. Or a really deranged chick.

That’s what would have straightened Mel Gibson out, man. Mel’s going on about how his life is fucked.
Smed: “Mel! Mel! Listen: You’re not O.J.”
*pause*
Mel: “Oh sweet Jesus. Yeah. You’re right. Wow. What a reality check. Man. Yeah, you’re right. I gotta get my head outta my ass, but, phew. I’m not O.J. Wow. Ok, yeah. I can live with that.”
posted by Smedleyman at 4:22 PM on November 20, 2006


and the parodies start--a Bush one
posted by amberglow at 4:28 PM on November 20, 2006


Let's call the whole thing off!

Looks like the whole thing has gotten the axe.
posted by The Deej at 4:33 PM on November 20, 2006


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