"Love in the Time of Cholera:" 8.6% "Harry Potter:" 45.6%

November 26, 2006 2:04 PM

Put a little commerce in your art with Lulu's Titlescorer, a widget that analyzes your book title's chances of gracing the top of the New York Time's bestseller list.
posted by Iridic (69 comments total)

The title MetaFilter has a 72.5% chance of being a bestselling title!
posted by anarcation at 2:46 PM on November 26, 2006

"Sex with an Angle" 31.7%
posted by MonkeySaltedNuts at 2:48 PM on November 26, 2006

The title The fantabulous contraption of Dr. McGizzlegorp has a 41.4% chance of being a bestselling title!
posted by papakwanz at 3:03 PM on November 26, 2006

The title "Self-esteem for Dummies" has a 10.2% chance of being a bestselling title!

Heh.
posted by ZenMasterThis at 3:10 PM on November 26, 2006

MonkeySaltedNuts: "'Sex with an Angle' 31.7%"

Odd. I would happily have sex with an angle. Especially acute angle.
posted by koeselitz at 3:10 PM on November 26, 2006

So, this is essentially saying "Your title is grammatically similar to the titles of x% of bestsellers"?
posted by papakwanz at 3:10 PM on November 26, 2006

This is awesome--thinking of fake names for imaginary books I totally plan to write is one of my favorite pastimes. The Incest Garden did the best, with a 69% chance of being a bestseller. Cut Holes in My Sheet, Erotic Ghost has a 44.2% chance. God-Shaped Foaling Hole, my personal favorite, has a 34.8% chance. Sadly, my real working titles only got 12% or less. Time to rethink my strategy!
posted by Powerful Religious Baby at 3:11 PM on November 26, 2006 [2 favorites has favorites]

The title How to Score with Naughty Schoolgirls has a 10.2% chance of being a bestselling title!

I disagree.
posted by ColdChef at 3:16 PM on November 26, 2006

The title Concrete and Phlegm has a 26.3% chance of being a bestselling title!
posted by languagehat at 3:17 PM on November 26, 2006

Drugs of the Mantosaurus got 69.something%.
I'll be off buying my yacht now.
posted by 235w103 at 3:18 PM on November 26, 2006

"The title Monkey Salted Nuts has a 10.2% chance of being a bestselling title!" if it's literal but "The title Monkey Salted Nuts has a 26.3% chance of being a bestselling title!" if it's figurative. By way of comparison, the title My Pants Have No Fish has a 44.2% chance of being a bestselling title. But so does the title I Have a Fish in My Pants, if both are figurative.
posted by Eideteker at 3:19 PM on November 26, 2006

Zombi Tickle Me Elmos Versus Werewolf Dracula in Pirate Ninja Kingdom only has a 26.3% chance of making it, but that's a chance I believe I have to take.
posted by Eideteker at 3:25 PM on November 26, 2006 [3 favorites has favorites]

I'll have to come up with a better title for my memoirs than "Jesus, Guns, and NASCAR." I thought I'd have better chances than 14.4%.
posted by Homeskillet Freshy Fresh at 3:28 PM on November 26, 2006

Oh, wait, I changed the grammar type and it went to 35.9%, narrowly edging out my other candidate, Kimmy Gibbler and the Mystery of Clonazepam (34.8%). It liked 'mystery' in the title better than 'goblet', even though I prefer the latter.

Sorry, I'll leave the thread now.
posted by Eideteker at 3:31 PM on November 26, 2006

It seems like every title I put in gets 10.2% for literal and 26.3% for figurative. I was hoping for a list of similar sounding titles to my future classics like "Where's My Weewee?" and "The Further Adventures of Asshat"
posted by Razzle Bathbone at 3:34 PM on November 26, 2006

Don't be a quitty pussy, Eideteker, let's keep this thing going. Debone the Chickenheads, Chunk Up the Meat has a 44.2% chance! That's practically a guarantee!
posted by Powerful Religious Baby at 3:42 PM on November 26, 2006

The title Michael Richard's Racist Fun for the Whole Family has a 14.6% chance of being a bestselling title!

Bummer.
posted by papakwanz at 3:43 PM on November 26, 2006

The title "Love in the Time of Oozing Sores and Pustules" has a 26.3% chance of being a bestselling title!

Steve Martin generated the title, not I.
posted by jet_silver at 3:48 PM on November 26, 2006

Whoa, stop the presses. "My Pants Have No Fish" just shot up to 83.1%!

I can see it now...

...The heartbreaking story of one man's quest to fill his pants with that special fish. A chance encounter leads our hero on a once-in-a-lifetime quest through an epic journey of courage, redemption, and animal husbandry. Read the story (now in paperback) that has left the critics speechless, cold, and nakedly huddled in the shower for hours... night after night.

****"Once you've read My Pants Have No Fish, there's no turning back." —Dallas Star, The Dallas Star

****"Literature will never be the same again." —Jacquilynne Dietz, The New York Times

****"I LOLed." —Some Guy on Some Blog on the Internet, Some Guy on the Internet's Blog

****"Buy it. There's nothing else to do while you're on the plane or getting skin cancer on the beach. You finally took that vacation you've been saving for; do you want to spend it bored? Seriously, just buy the book. Buy it, dammit!" —The Publisher, The Publisher's Weekly Letter to You Begging for Money

SOON TO BE A MAJOR MOTION PICTURE.

Ok, I'm going, I'm going.
posted by Eideteker at 3:52 PM on November 26, 2006

But hey, papakwanz, "If I Hated Black People" by Michael Richards has a 79.6% chance of being a bestseller, until FOX pulls it and the accompanying sitcom in the works. So buck up.
posted by Eideteker at 3:55 PM on November 26, 2006

The title Fletch has a 20.1% chance of being a bestselling title!

---------------------------------------------------------------------

"Stop typing."
"What?"
"Stop typing".

Gregory McDonald looked up from his typewriter.

"What's wrong?"
"Your book. Some website says the title sucks. We'd never be able to recoup printing and shipping expenses." The publisher sighed heavily, while gauging the reaction on McDonald's face. "You might as well pack it in and hand back the advance money we gave you-"
"Damnit, I was hoping this was going to develop into a series!"
"McDonald, this is the Internet we're talking about. The numbers can't lie, can they?"
posted by Smart Dalek at 3:59 PM on November 26, 2006

The title Fisting Dorothy Dandridge has a 20.1% chance of being a bestselling title!
posted by basicchannel at 4:01 PM on November 26, 2006

79.6%--is that the highest one so far? Nice work.

Sadly, it will not be overtaken by the splendid The Wang Wears Lambskin, Wolf Him Down, which is given only a 26% chance.
posted by Powerful Religious Baby at 4:03 PM on November 26, 2006

im in ur titlescorer analyzin ur data has a 44.2% chance taken figuratively.

(ok, ok, that joke's getting a little old)
posted by bobobox at 4:06 PM on November 26, 2006

The title Falafel Fun With Bill O'Reilly has a 10.2% chance of being a bestselling title!
posted by beaucoupkevin at 4:14 PM on November 26, 2006

"Don't Buy This Book!" has an intriguingly high 20.1% chance of becoming a bestseller.
posted by Rumple at 4:15 PM on November 26, 2006

"Proud Emetic" (via Woody Allen) only has a 10.2% chance.
posted by maxwelton at 4:19 PM on November 26, 2006

Sci-Fi and Fantasy classics round-up

Fellowship of the Ring - 10.2%
Ender's Game - 45.6%
Dune - 63.7%
Fahrenheit 451 - 26.3%
Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep? - 44.2%
Ringworld - 35.9%

I'll probably be doing this all night ...
posted by EatTheWeak at 4:20 PM on November 26, 2006

The title Sleeping with the Enema has a 79.6% chance of being a bestselling title!
posted by katillathehun at 4:22 PM on November 26, 2006

The title furtive has a 63.7% chance of being a bestselling title!
posted by furtive at 4:23 PM on November 26, 2006

"The Blank of Blank", when formatted as "grammar type: the _ of _" has a 69.0% chance!
posted by Eideteker at 4:26 PM on November 26, 2006

The title MetaFilter has a 72.5% chance of being a bestselling title!
posted by anarcation

I actually clocked MetaFilter at 79.6% when I considered it a figurative proper noun, with the first word being a proper noun, the second word being "none", and the title including the name of a person or place.

Highest raking title so far, I dare say.
Upon preview it ties with Sleeping with the Enema
posted by bobobox at 4:30 PM on November 26, 2006

Sorry. My Pants Have No Fish is clearly the winner.
posted by bobobox at 4:31 PM on November 26, 2006

83.1%, folks. Don't make me use the blink tag. MY PANTS HAVE NO FISH: pirated copies will soon be available for download on your local internet.
posted by Eideteker at 4:38 PM on November 26, 2006

If I Did It...35.9% Pure O.J.
posted by ironictwist at 4:48 PM on November 26, 2006

I can't beat 69.0%.

("The Price of Flatulence")
posted by rokusan at 5:03 PM on November 26, 2006

The title sound of suburbia has a 69.0% chance of being a bestselling title!

Well, then.
posted by soundofsuburbia at 5:04 PM on November 26, 2006

Banhammer of the Gods — 26.3%
New Hope for the Hive Mind — 26.3%
The Runt in a Litter of Sex Kittens — 26.3%
Ceiling Master Is Watching You Concatenate — 26.3%

Hmmmmm.
posted by rob511 at 5:15 PM on November 26, 2006

The Christ Fuck is a decent 55.4%.
posted by I Foody at 5:17 PM on November 26, 2006

This tool is actually quite useful; lately I've been trying to come up with a title for the book I will never write, but will discuss as if I am going to write so that in 20 years people can bring it up as a reminder of goals unmet and failure realized.

At first I thought I might call it "William Derbyshire's Gaol of Self" (34.8%), however with a title like that I would be setting myself up to write a long, tired screed of emotional turmoil and internal monologue, and I do quite enough of that on Metafilter. Next up I was considering "Needlepoint For Junkies" (10.2%), however it occurs to me that I have neither the patience for the heroin habit that would be necessary research, nor do I have any aesthetic talent whatsoever.

I think, for now, I've settled on "Drinking on the Short Bus", despite it's rather poor showing of a 20.1% score. I think it's a title with real potential, as the story behind it almost writes itself. As I mentioned earlier, I would appreciate it if one of the metafilter hive mind could put that in their Outlook calendar for sometime around 2052, so they can remind me that I squandered my life, never wrote the book and probably didn't accomplish much of anything.
posted by kfx at 5:21 PM on November 26, 2006 [2 favorites has favorites]

Good idea for harvesting book titles.
posted by fire&wings at 5:32 PM on November 26, 2006

The current #1 nonfiction book, The Audacity of Hope (figurative), has a 44% probability of making in onto the bestseller list, but the current #1 fiction book Cross (literal) only has a 35% chance of making it.

Just saying...
posted by jourman2 at 5:35 PM on November 26, 2006

The title Buffalo buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo has a 14.6% chance of being a bestselling title!

The title Ulysses has a 72.5% chance of being a bestselling title!

Works good enough for me.
posted by Opposite George at 5:45 PM on November 26, 2006

In all seriousness, though, I know that an increasing number of poets are choosing to work with Lulu and other DIY presses for various reasons, one important reason being that mainstream poetry publishing is exceedingly difficult to break into. If you look at Lulu’s books by category, you’ll see that Poetry includes nearly five thousand books, exceeded in number only by Literature & Fiction and Religion & Spirituality. That came as a bit of a surprise to me, even though I was familiar with the trend. See Shanna Compton and Reb Livingston for more—see also the DIY blog, and the DIY blog’s Lulu page. There are others I'm forgetting to mention, but those are a good start.
posted by Powerful Religious Baby at 5:58 PM on November 26, 2006

The title Shitstorm has a 59.3% chance of being a bestselling title!
posted by sklero at 5:59 PM on November 26, 2006

The title The Bible has a 63.7% chance of being a bestselling title!
posted by kickingtheground at 6:04 PM on November 26, 2006

I actually clocked MetaFilter at 79.6% when I considered it a figurative proper noun, with the first word being a proper noun, the second word being "none", and the title including the name of a person or place. Highest raking title so far, I dare say. Upon preview it ties with Sleeping with the Enema

I say we collaborate.

Because the title Sleeping with Metafilter's Enemahas a 79.6% chance of being a bestselling title!
posted by katillathehun at 6:22 PM on November 26, 2006

The title If I had an anus has a 63.7% chance of being a bestselling title!
posted by anthill at 6:25 PM on November 26, 2006

The title Christ! What an asshole! has a 83.1% chance of being a bestselling title!
posted by lalochezia at 6:46 PM on November 26, 2006

And on the ass theme, Let Skeleton Keys Turn in the Sweet Locks of Assholes, which I plan to market as a historical romance, has a 44.2% chance. That's marginally better than I had hoped.
posted by Powerful Religious Baby at 6:48 PM on November 26, 2006

Billy And The Clonosaurus has a 34.8% chance.
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 7:27 PM on November 26, 2006

Um...your favorite title sucks?
posted by ZenMasterThis at 7:33 PM on November 26, 2006

Wow. The working title of the book I've been working at off and on (mostly off) for the past 5 years has a 76.9% chance of being a bestseller!

Maybe it's time to dust off those notebooks...
posted by trip and a half at 7:35 PM on November 26, 2006

Wait, what do these percentages even mean? How are they calculated?

And given the enormous number of books published every year, and the tiny number that hit the NYT bestseller list, why are the numbers so high?
posted by nebulawindphone at 8:27 PM on November 26, 2006

The title The Curious Incident of the Rainbow Buttmonkeys in the Nighttime has a 10.2% chance of being a bestselling title!
posted by jimmythefish at 8:35 PM on November 26, 2006

The Box of Asses also gets 83.1%

Abuse of overused templates for the win.
posted by Saydur at 8:51 PM on November 26, 2006

The title My pimp is fierce like white on rice! has a 26.3% chance of being a bestselling title!
posted by Holy foxy moxie batman! at 8:52 PM on November 26, 2006

The title 'stavros the wonderchicken' has a 72.5% chance of being a bestselling title!
posted by stavrosthewonderchicken at 9:09 PM on November 26, 2006

The title A hearbreaking work of staggering genius has a 10.2% chance of being a bestselling title!
posted by emelenjr at 9:28 PM on November 26, 2006

I tried my PhD thesis:

The title Nutrigenomics and Gut Health has a 31.7% chance of being a bestselling title!

Thirty two percent isn't bad odds, guess I'll keep going.
posted by shelleycat at 9:31 PM on November 26, 2006

The title Your Mom has a 83.1% chance of being a bestselling title!
posted by Pollomacho at 11:30 PM on November 26, 2006

"da Vinci's Angel Mom" got 76.9%.
posted by solid-one-love at 11:43 PM on November 26, 2006

The recursive pantaloon of hope. 10.2%
Bible. 10.2%
Crime waiting vegas 10.2%

"You know what I see.. (*dons shades*) ...a pattern."
"SCREEOOWWW!!! *electric guitar*"
posted by econous at 4:42 AM on November 27, 2006

A mere 20% for "Boom went the coastal monkey factory!"

This thing is broke.
posted by WinnipegDragon at 9:12 AM on November 27, 2006

Hmn. My favorite title in waiting, Bitches & Whores, only scored like 10% (literal) so I softened it up to Bitches & Whores - A Love Story and that brought it up to 45.3%. Whew.
posted by effwerd at 12:03 PM on November 27, 2006

Ah, but Bitches & Hos ends up with 63.7%.
Now we're talking.
posted by lilithim at 12:36 PM on November 27, 2006

The problem is that this is only for *novel* titles-- so presumably it is useless for memoir, investigative journalism, narrative nonfiction and self-help/advice, which some people here seem to have been trying.
posted by Maias at 2:53 PM on November 27, 2006

This Hat is Cursed!............................................... 10.2%
Drunk Girls............................................................ 10.2%
The Severed Head Owners' Manual...................... 10.2%
Zounds!................................................................ 20.1%
Started Off Kinda Bad Touch, Ended Up Kinda Good Touch.....................................................................55.4%

So that settles that dispute.
posted by Navelgazer at 10:24 PM on November 27, 2006

The title 'macho business donkey wrestler' has a 41.4% chance of being a bestselling title!
posted by das_2099 at 8:11 AM on November 28, 2006