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at last, one handed cereal dispensing!
November 27, 2006 6:22 PM   Subscribe

The easiest breakfast you'll ever make! Fear not holiday shoppers, the horror of pouring cereal from a box is over for everyone on your shopping list.
posted by machaus (98 comments total) 1 user marked this as a favorite

 
My cats have one of those. Except it dispenses cat food instead of breakfast cereal. Although I guess I could put some miniwheat in there. I doubt they would appreciate that.
posted by bob sarabia at 6:25 PM on November 27, 2006


From the people that brought you The Clapper.
posted by gsteff at 6:29 PM on November 27, 2006


Damn. Thanks for reminding me that nobody loves me enough to get me one of these for Christmas.
posted by scaryblackdeath at 6:38 PM on November 27, 2006


How do you get the milk into the bowl?
posted by lee at 6:40 PM on November 27, 2006 [3 favorites]


WTF? Another useless gadget for your kitchen. Alton Brown would agree!
posted by ericb at 6:40 PM on November 27, 2006


Dear sweet merciful Christ on a pogo stick. Are we that lazy?

Breakfix® is perfect for hotels, those with disabilities, parents, people in a hurry, or those who simply desire to live a more healthy lifestyle, but feel they just don't have the time.

Okay, I'll grant that if you've got disabilities, you probably could use one of these. So, handicapped Metafilterians, please ignore. But everyone else, you of sound body and strong forearms . . . if you just don't have the time to pour a bowl of cereal, then you really must needs to clear your planners and agendas and take a freaking breath!


posted by John of Michigan at 6:41 PM on November 27, 2006 [1 favorite]


This would be great, but the milk is still all the way over in the refrigerator, and the bowl is in the cupboard, and the spoon is in the drawer... screw it, I'm going back to bed.
posted by Faint of Butt at 6:42 PM on November 27, 2006 [7 favorites]


This also needs automatic milk dispensing, otherwise it's just not easy enough and so I will gorge myself on bacon instead.
posted by clevershark at 6:45 PM on November 27, 2006


But how are we going to eat when the batteries die?
posted by cosmonaught at 6:45 PM on November 27, 2006


Portion control!? What, eating a 3 quart mixing bowl of bran flakes isn't portion control? Eat a flaming hot bag of die in a fire!
posted by loquacious at 6:46 PM on November 27, 2006 [6 favorites]


I kept hoping to see some sign that this was a joke (or at least that the video was a joke) but alas, it seemed to be in earnest.
posted by clevershark at 6:46 PM on November 27, 2006


See Breakfix® advertised in SkyMall Magazine

.
posted by joshuaconner at 6:52 PM on November 27, 2006


Amusingly enough, I would prolly end up with one. Not for the laziness aspect, but I do like the idea of keeping my Cap'n Crunch in line for my extremely erratic breakfasting schedule...
posted by Samizdata at 6:53 PM on November 27, 2006


and it's only $79.99 !
posted by lee at 6:54 PM on November 27, 2006


I was just saying the other day, golly, I wish I could dispense my cereal faster.
posted by luckypozzo at 6:54 PM on November 27, 2006 [1 favorite]


Like clevershark, I thought this was a goof. Nope. It appears to be real.

But check this out. For a clearer parody--or satire, as the case may be. Pointless crap that, were it marketed, people would probably buy.
posted by John of Michigan at 6:55 PM on November 27, 2006


How will we install the batteries?
posted by kafziel at 6:57 PM on November 27, 2006


That is the dumbest fucking thing I have ever seen.
posted by interrobang at 6:59 PM on November 27, 2006


Where have you been all my life?
posted by monju_bosatsu at 7:01 PM on November 27, 2006


Utterly flabbergasted. And how often do you get to see the the word flabbergasted used? So it was worth that anyway.

Seriously though, are there (non-handicapped) people anywhere who would actually buy one of these things? I mean, is it really difficult to pour the cerial out of the box by yourself?
posted by sotonohito at 7:03 PM on November 27, 2006


Earth to Breakfix: If it ain't Broke, don't Fix it.
posted by otherthings_ at 7:05 PM on November 27, 2006 [2 favorites]


Unless it goes to the store and refills itself when it's empty I really don't see the point.
posted by fshgrl at 7:05 PM on November 27, 2006


Oh, glory days, my cereal will sit not on the lonely shelf of segregation, but rest instead on the welcome bosom of the countertop of freedom next to my automatic can opener and electric wipe-my-butt (because it's all just so much effort)
posted by Holy foxy moxie batman! at 7:07 PM on November 27, 2006


Oh my god, it's the Salad Shooter of this fresh, new century.

I need to watch Benny and Joon again.
posted by squidfartz at 7:08 PM on November 27, 2006


If I'm too hunger over to pour a bowl of cereal, I should probably still be in bed.
posted by bardic at 7:15 PM on November 27, 2006


Cereal Cat is watching you macerate.
posted by rob511 at 7:22 PM on November 27, 2006


not to be totally contrarian, but i'm picturing a small hotel that offers a "continental breakfast" in a common room of some sort. pretty useful for that, or perhaps in an old folk's home or other semi-communal living space. no boxes & crap laying around, no wondering if somebody put their hand in it, etc. right next to the box-milk dispenser like they had in the cafeteria at college.

in my kitchen, no.
posted by facetious at 7:24 PM on November 27, 2006


So is there an attachment that will pour the cereal out of the box and into this device? What about loading the batteries? Surely it's not manual, is it?
posted by c13 at 7:25 PM on November 27, 2006


Next to the 4 (count 'em!) pet ramp/stair solutions advertised in SkyMall, this product looks practical and well thought out.
posted by arialblack at 7:28 PM on November 27, 2006


All this ridicule quite unfair.

If you're so bloody lazy in the target market for this device, you're probably so bloody lazy far too busy to be posting your opinion of it on MeFi.
posted by pompomtom at 7:31 PM on November 27, 2006


i understand why some people may find it funny to mock an invention like this, but over the course of a lifetime it could save you dozens of seconds. that's time you could be spending with your family, watching tv, or just relaxing. think about it, people: would you rather spend your life pouring cereal or eating cereal?
posted by snofoam at 7:36 PM on November 27, 2006 [1 favorite]


FINALLY THE NIGHTMARE IS OVER.
posted by loiseau at 7:37 PM on November 27, 2006 [5 favorites]


Hotels, yes. At home, I don't restrict my choice to a single variety of cereal. For me, that is the glory of the American cereal experience. My life-time favorites are Life and Grape Nuts (neither available in South Africa. American visitors are welcome to bring Life. Brits can bring Grape Nuts). But I also eat a lot of bran flakes. And the other half eats mainly Rice Crispies or Special K. We keep 4 plastic cereal containers in use.
posted by Goofyy at 7:40 PM on November 27, 2006


This is OK, but you still have to deal with the spoon. And we all know what a pain that is.

Hmm, perhaps a device that will take my Webvan delivery (oh crap! I still have to go to the store) of Cap'n Crunch and dissolve it in fresh milk to be delivered intravenously while I sleep? How much for that?
posted by JParker at 7:41 PM on November 27, 2006


These things are good and fine until a rat falls in there and the entire family succumbs to the bubonic plague.
posted by clevershark at 7:42 PM on November 27, 2006


I like to load my Breakfix full of croûtons, then stick a bowl with one lettuce leaf and half a cup of ranch dressing underneath, and whammo! The perfectly-proportioned salad!
posted by ericbop at 7:45 PM on November 27, 2006


Dude, you put your weeeed in there!
posted by fenriq at 7:46 PM on November 27, 2006 [3 favorites]


Batteries not needed for this model.
posted by tellurian at 7:49 PM on November 27, 2006


The terrorists have lost!
posted by bardic at 7:51 PM on November 27, 2006 [1 favorite]


Obsolete. Breakfast was sooooooo 90s.
posted by moonbird at 8:01 PM on November 27, 2006


If only there were something similar that could dispense beverages.

Blue beverages.
posted by mr_crash_davis at 8:08 PM on November 27, 2006


What they need to make is one of these things with a timer, like a coffee maker, that you could set to pour you a bowl of cereal mere seconds before you reach the kitchen.

This would save you from having to A. go to all the trouble of pushing the button to dispense the cereal and B. wait the interminable amount of seconds it takes for the Breakficks to do its thing. And your Chocolate Frosted Sugar Bombs wouldn't be stale from having spent too much time sitting on the countertop of freedom (nice one, Holy foxy moxie batman!).
posted by diddlegnome at 8:18 PM on November 27, 2006


Cool! Cockroach condo!
posted by UbuRoivas at 8:21 PM on November 27, 2006


Wow, between this and the seashell with a lady fucking a lobster, you guys have rounded out my Christmas shopping list! Thanks!
posted by dirigibleman at 8:29 PM on November 27, 2006 [1 favorite]


What would Jerry say?
posted by ericb at 8:30 PM on November 27, 2006


From the makers of Mustmayostardayonnaise!
posted by brundlefly at 8:45 PM on November 27, 2006 [1 favorite]


Back when I was in college, we had something similar in the dining halls in the dorms... just a lot larger. Kind of nifty, but I couldn't imagine devoting precious counter space to one here at home.
posted by jal0021 at 8:45 PM on November 27, 2006


I like this, as absurd as it may seem it is a necessary step toward an ideal future in which all people are provided with a tube that pumps the appropriately nutritional and tasty meal directly into our mouths at a rate suitable for our age and esophagial agility. I understand that a fantasy feeding tube, a gustatory glory hole, seems useless, but if you were to combine this method of feeding with the other necessities of life, a generally comfortable room which we would not need to leave ("All men's miseries derive from not being able to sit in a quiet room alone." - Blaise Pascal), and we are near a utopia. TV of course would be provided, and we could be processed for food at the most opportune moment and fed back into tubes of our brethren. This is my plan at least.
posted by kingfisher, his musclebound cat at 8:52 PM on November 27, 2006 [2 favorites]


I love the image of the guy playing patty-cake with his daughter behind the Break-Fix. You know, because you have more time with your loved ones thanks to the time you'll save using this thing.

Now if only they could find a way to combine mustard and mayonnaise...
posted by interrobang at 8:53 PM on November 27, 2006


ah, crap, brundlefly.
posted by interrobang at 8:54 PM on November 27, 2006


ths n comb w/ the abbvs wil sav I so mch tim!
posted by carsonb at 9:09 PM on November 27, 2006


What about left handed people? Can they use this thing? I'm not a "southpaw" but I have a friend who is. He likes to eat cereal. He also likes to watch that Ultimate Fighting Championship on pay per view. His parents have a RV.
posted by jefbla at 9:18 PM on November 27, 2006


Pop-Up Hotdog Cooker from the SA Link above: not fake.
posted by unmake at 9:28 PM on November 27, 2006


Ok, so I did not read all the comments, but there seemed to be scorn for this innecessary convenience.
My complaint is the stereoptyping and class judgment re: using other appliances once a year.
My blender is used at least once a week - do you stir your margaritas?
posted by Cranberry at 9:43 PM on November 27, 2006


jefbla: Is your friend me by any chance? You just described my personal ad.
posted by bob sarabia at 9:54 PM on November 27, 2006


oh and unmake: a lot of the products from that link are real, it's just the descriptions they changed. Only some of the product names are made up.
posted by bob sarabia at 9:57 PM on November 27, 2006


What happens if your cereal comes with a prize inside?
posted by maxwelton at 10:07 PM on November 27, 2006


Now if it dispenced medium rare steak...
posted by Kudos at 10:11 PM on November 27, 2006


This would be perfect for The New Cereals:

Cracklin' Monkey Bran
Booty Loops
Frosted Lying Bitch Squares
Abominations of the Raisin
Sweet Jesus Flakes
Oat Tolerance
posted by django_z at 10:20 PM on November 27, 2006


It really should have an automatic timer, because there's nothing that gets me out of bed like the smell of a fresh bowl of cereal in the morning. Or afternoon. Whenever.
posted by strangeleftydoublethink at 11:17 PM on November 27, 2006


for django_z: Prostitooties (no snap crackle and pop, they just lay there and bang)
posted by tgyg at 11:20 PM on November 27, 2006


I thought a breakfix was three cups of coffee and a cigarette
posted by CeruleanZero at 11:26 PM on November 27, 2006


django_z writes "This would be perfect for The New Cereals:

"Cracklin' Monkey Bran
"Booty Loops
"Frosted Lying Bitch Squares
"Abominations of the Raisin
"Sweet Jesus Flakes
"Oat Tolerance"


I totally knew where this was going to be from even before I moused over the link. Totally.
posted by mr_roboto at 11:38 PM on November 27, 2006


Looks like a "Popeil Ronco" cat food dispenser.
posted by wtfchuck at 12:25 AM on November 28, 2006


Me too. Whenever I get that kind of href-sense it warms me deep inside. I get it early and often when people link to wikipedia, I just know, which is part of what makes the whole caret nonsense so unneccesary. It's just so wonderful to be in tune with what's going through someones head as they write, and to be able to confirm your premonitions as fact with a mouse-over.
posted by blasdelf at 12:36 AM on November 28, 2006


Is there anyway they could make these with multiple storage units to allow for different cereal? At this point, I am going to need to buy three of these, as I don't always eat the same cereal. Those are going to take up a lot of counter space.
posted by vagabond at 1:21 AM on November 28, 2006


My college cafeteria had a banik of cereal dispensers, like 50 of them, all different types. They were not electric, however, but I can assure you that it was still as awesome as you might imagine.
posted by Pollomacho at 1:32 AM on November 28, 2006


"BREAKFIX: The Breakfast Solution" Wow, I honestly wasn't aware that my breakfast was in need of a solution, what a fool I've been....

That said, my family has actually always used purpose-made tupperware to store cereal, and they are actually mildly convenient. However now that I don't use them anymore it turns out I still haven't died suddenly due to being buried deeply in a sudden Cheeriovalanche.
posted by damo at 1:32 AM on November 28, 2006


A bank. I think I got a little excited there.
posted by Pollomacho at 1:32 AM on November 28, 2006


From Charlie Brooker, the Unnovations catalogue in the UK offers a wide choice of products.

Hallucinatory Prostitute Retail Bewilderment Mask

Going Loco Massacre Compilation album

Kiss Mammal

and the Baker Baiting Hat
posted by ClanvidHorse at 3:14 AM on November 28, 2006


Doesn't look like Weetabix would fare too well in there.
posted by scruss at 3:39 AM on November 28, 2006


damo, I'm going to have to work the word "Cheeriovalanche" into conversation today.
posted by Faint of Butt at 4:15 AM on November 28, 2006


This is just shit compared to a Teasmade. I have a standard one and never tire of waking up to a hot cup of tea, but it's my dream to own a Teasmade variant I once saw in the Innovations catalogue that included not only the usual tea-making features, but a built-in toaster and miniature grill, so that it could wake you up with a cuppa and a bacon sandwich.

What they need to make is one of these things with a timer, like a coffee maker, that you could set to pour you a bowl of cereal mere seconds before you reach the kitchen.

Like many people who work at home, I rarely get up at the same time two days running, so a timer would be of no use. Better to equip the device with a Bluetooth proximity sensor and run an application on my mobile that activates the cereal drop the first time I enter the kitchen each day.
posted by jack_mo at 6:02 AM on November 28, 2006


Boy are we effete. 10 Chinese dudes carrying 2 x 4's with nails in 'em could probably take over the USA.
posted by Mister_A at 6:32 AM on November 28, 2006


Sorry to bring up leprechauns, but I'm not shelling out for one of these contraptions until there's a model with a dial allowing you to modify the ratio of boring grain chunks to marshmallowy hearts, moons, stars, clovers, horseshoes, pots of gold, rainbows and balloons.
posted by FelliniBlank at 6:38 AM on November 28, 2006


When the machines rise up against us, how will I know how to put cereal in a bowl? HOW?!
posted by ninjew at 7:35 AM on November 28, 2006


breakfixsolutions.com.

Is everything a g'damn "solution" now?

Metafilter: the user submitted content solution.
posted by elmwood at 7:40 AM on November 28, 2006


I guess that in the end we'll just have to wait until "dairysolutions.com" is invented to resolve our pressing milk-dispensing needs which, tragically, just aren't being addressed by companies that already exist.
posted by clevershark at 7:47 AM on November 28, 2006


Seems like it would be useful for cafeterias (college, hospital, hotel breakfast buffets, etc.) (but they'd be served better by the non-battery powered versions which have existed forever), and for the handicapped, but as for regularly abled individuals...Well, frankly, I think they should be confiscated and redistributed to people with twins or triplets under 2 years old, because they're the only folks I can think of who have a real need for this level of hands-freeness.
posted by Bugbread at 7:52 AM on November 28, 2006


So, I may be a dork, but I was like, "That's not a bad idea, I wouldn't mind having one of those." I'm thinking it cost like 19.95 or something.

So I whip out the old credit card and press the order button, only to find it cost 80 DOLLARS!

Jebus Christine! Is it made of GOLD?!
posted by drleary at 8:24 AM on November 28, 2006


That is the dumbest fucking thing I have ever seen.
posted by interrobang


May I present to you...
posted by NationalKato at 8:52 AM on November 28, 2006


Stunning news: Cereal dispenser crowd also too lazy to walk up stairs to the fitness center
posted by thisisdrew at 9:03 AM on November 28, 2006


Wow, between this and the seashell with a lady fucking a lobster, you guys have rounded out my Christmas shopping list! Thanks!

Nah. I'm not buying one of these cereal dispensers until it comes with a lady and lobster skin. THEN my kitchen will be complete.
posted by Zinger at 9:15 AM on November 28, 2006


I'm not sure about their approach to marketing, though. If I don't have time to pour a bowl of cereal, I sure as hell don't have time to wait for a quicktime movie to load.

And until they make one that simultaneously dispenses milk, I think this'll be a non-starter for the time-conscious, on-the-go youth of today.
posted by Devils Rancher at 9:20 AM on November 28, 2006


Combine with an automatic milk dispenser and you're golden.
posted by gottabefunky at 10:06 AM on November 28, 2006


At last somebody has taken the drudgery out of pouring cereal from the box! They've put the fast back in breakfast!

Does it come with remote control?
posted by Secret Life of Gravy at 10:49 AM on November 28, 2006


Oh, come on people! Didn't you read the post's title? One-handed cereal dispensing! See? See? Now you're not laughing!
posted by TochterAusElysium at 10:56 AM on November 28, 2006


Laziest. Species. Ever.

Yeah, we don't have time to open a box and pour our friggin' cereal, but we're happy to sit in our cars for 4 hours a day going back and forth from work?

American humanity is completely insane. This is proof.
posted by zoogleplex at 11:36 AM on November 28, 2006


snofoam : i understand why some people may find it funny to mock an invention like this, but over the course of a lifetime it could save you dozens of seconds. that's time you could be spending with your family, watching tv, or just relaxing. think about it, people: would you rather spend your life pouring cereal or eating cereal?

True, but any seconds you may gain, will be lost to abject frustration when you are forced to troubleshoot your cereal dispenser.

You: It's not pouring
Tech Support: Is it plugged in?
You: Yes. The light is on
TS: Have you tried rebooting it?
You: Yes. It didn't work.
TS: Well, let's try again just to be sure
You: It's making a grinding noise.
TS: Perfectly normal, let's go ahead and try resetting the power again.
You: Screw it, I'll just pour it from the box.
TS: That will void your warranty.
You: I hate you.
TS: Have you rebooted it yet?

Is this really the future you want to live in?
posted by quin at 12:24 PM on November 28, 2006 [1 favorite]


zoogleplex : "Yeah, we don't have time to open a box and pour our friggin' cereal, but we're happy to sit in our cars for 4 hours a day going back and forth from work?"

No, we don't have time to open a box and pour our friggin' cereal because we spend 4 hours a day going back and forth from work.

(In reality, in my case, it's "We don't have time to have a cup of hot cocoa before work because we spend 3 hours a day sitting in a train going back and forth from work", but, hey, I'm no millionaire, I couldn't afford to live closer to work if I wanted. Rent gets insanely expensive inside the Yamanote line.)
posted by Bugbread at 12:33 PM on November 28, 2006


You can pry my box of Cheerios out of my cold, dead hand.
posted by deborah at 1:21 PM on November 28, 2006


"No, we don't have time to open a box and pour our friggin' cereal because we spend 4 hours a day going back and forth from work."

I respectfully suggest that the problem is not in the cereal-pouring time, but the overall societal arrangement that forces you (and most of the rest of us) to spand about a sixth of our day in transit just to be able to make a living and have a place to live that we can afford.

The fact that there is a company that spent at least several hundred thousand dollars developing this contraption, as well as millions manufacturing and marketing it, is also a glaring symptom of some seriously-messed-up societal priorities.

Believe me, I have great sympathy for commuting drudgery. At least you get to ride a train, where you can (hopefully) get some other stuff done on the way... though traveling in Tokyo during rush hour, you're probably packed in like a sardine.

There's just something wrong when the way life is arranged makes it nearly impossible for someone to sit down and eat food.
posted by zoogleplex at 1:30 PM on November 28, 2006


zoogleplex : "though traveling in Tokyo during rush hour, you're probably packed in like a sardine."

Luckily, I work night shifts, so I am usually on the emptyish inbound trains when its the outbound ones that are packed, and vice versa on the way home.

zoogleplex : "I respectfully suggest that the problem is not in the cereal-pouring time, but the overall societal arrangement that forces you (and most of the rest of us) to spand about a sixth of our day in transit just to be able to make a living and have a place to live that we can afford."

Naw, one can afford to make a living and a place to live by selecting a suitably cheap small apartment and a nearby service job. It isn't the need for food and shelter that drives the need for commuting, but the desire for bigger apartments, mp3 players, a computer, good supermarkets, etc. In which case, I just look at it like this:

Let's say you work 8 hours a day, making 100 globnits (the currency of one's fictional country) per hour, living very close to home.
Now, imagine that you can make 400 globnits per hour if you do a 1 hour commute to and from work.
What you do is just add the commute time when figuring out your real salary. Which would be 320 globnits per hour.
And then you ask yourself: "Would I be willing to work 2 hours extra per day, if I got paid more than 3 times as much as I do now?"
And the answer is usually "yes".
So it's not so much "forced to commute" as much as "finding the extra commuting time to be more than compensated by the extra pay".

Me, I just skip to cocoa, and the cereal, and the battery powered cereal dispensing machine. And watch episodes of "21 Jump Street" on the train.
posted by Bugbread at 1:52 PM on November 28, 2006


Is everything a g'damn "solution" now?

Metafilter: the user submitted content solution.


God, do I hate this. When I thought I wanted to be a programmer, fresh out of college, I interviewed at a number of small companies that described themselves as offering "business solutions." I couldn't get a straight answer regarding what that meant out of any of the folks who interviewed me--I understood technology, but business-speak terrified and confused me. So I re-immersed in academia and I've never been happier.

Also I had no experience and lousy interview skills and this was right after the dot com crash with a lot of folks more talented then me floating around jobless, so none of them hired me.
posted by Kwine at 5:49 PM on November 28, 2006


I guess that in the end we'll just have to wait until "dairysolutions.com" is invented to resolve our pressing milk-dispensing needs which, tragically, just aren't being addressed by companies that already exist.

When that happens, I'm going to start a weblog called 43breakfasts.com to tell everyone how I attach a cereal box directly to a cow's udder with a bulldog clip and call it my Hipster MDA.
posted by jack_mo at 5:56 PM on November 28, 2006


how I attach a cereal box directly to a cow's udder with a bulldog clip and call it my Hipster MDA.

Be sure to include a moleskin and a courier bag! Oh -- and, um, an iPod!
posted by ericb at 6:36 PM on November 28, 2006


ericb : Be sure to include a moleskin and a courier bag! Oh -- and, um, an iPod!

/Hangs head

I have all those things.
posted by quin at 8:52 PM on November 28, 2006


Nothing to be ashamed of quin - all of those things are actually hugely useful. (Though I felt deep shame today when I clipped my iPod Shuffle into a Moleskine Memo Pockets. Should probably blog about it, stick some advertising on my site, and wait for some high traffic site to describe it as a 'really neat Shuffle transportation hack'.)
posted by jack_mo at 10:09 AM on November 29, 2006


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