OMG LOOK PUPPIES!!!!eleventy!1!

November 29, 2006 9:07 AM

Meet the TSA's newest, cuddliest employees! Sure, the TSA could spend its time and money developing a training course that won't result in a stunning 91% rate of failure in detecting weapons in carry-on luggage, but how do you make cute pictures out of that?
posted by clevershark (33 comments total)

Well, dang, at least they found my missing disposable Bic lighter in my luggage in Chattanooga this summer. It's not like they're not good for anything.
posted by pax digita at 9:14 AM on November 29, 2006

From Seattle Times via Raw Story:

Screeners at Newark Liberty International Airport... failed 20 of 22 security tests conducted by undercover U.S. agents last week, missing concealed bombs and guns at checkpoints...

"We can do better..." said Mark Hatfield Jr., the Newark airport's federal security director.

The nice thing about only being right 9% of the time is that there's so much room for improvement. I'm taking the bus.
posted by Mister_A at 9:16 AM on November 29, 2006

So you're insinuating that you hate puppies.
posted by Mayor Curley at 9:22 AM on November 29, 2006

Well yea that's true. I want to smash a puppy into an apple pie, then wrap the mess up in an american flag, light it on fire and run it over with a fucking Prius, so that the terrorists will win, if you must know.
posted by Mister_A at 9:25 AM on November 29, 2006 [3 favorites]

It's not like they're not good for anything.

They're good for getting shit stolen out of your luggage. If you're into that sort of thing.
posted by spicynuts at 9:27 AM on November 29, 2006

"We just totally missed everything," the official said.

No, no, not everything. You got my toothpaste.
posted by arcticwoman at 9:28 AM on November 29, 2006

The puppy on the right in the third picture is clearly packing a shoe-bomb.
posted by gurple at 9:29 AM on November 29, 2006

Damn commie toothpaste.
posted by arcticwoman at 9:29 AM on November 29, 2006

I'm taking the bus.

This morning I was reminiscing about taking the bus back in the '70s and '80s and wondering what, if anything, the TSA does about screening for Greyhound/Trailways these days. Back then, I watched la Migra haul suspected illegal aliens off the bus as far north as Wisconsin; what are they doing about drugs and turrists?
posted by pax digita at 9:40 AM on November 29, 2006

I visibly watched the TSA screener's soul die a bit a few weeks ago as he was arguing with me about my facial wash tube originally being more than three ounces even though at the time it was obviously almost empty.
posted by Burhanistan at 9:52 AM on November 29, 2006

articwoman, I think it was actually Islamo-Fascist Paste.
posted by Burhanistan at 9:54 AM on November 29, 2006

Pictures of puppies that will be used for explosive detection. Which they are actually good at once trained.

One month old blog post filter with puppies. Yum.
posted by srboisvert at 9:56 AM on November 29, 2006

I'm pretty sure the American Legion doesn't approve of letting puppies sleep on the flag on the floor.
posted by scratch at 9:58 AM on November 29, 2006

Yeah, the pictures of puppies huddled together on an American flag seems like a real weird thing to see on government site. Especially since puppies like to pee and, from what I recall, peeing on an American flag seems to still upset a lot of people.
posted by Slack-a-gogo at 10:09 AM on November 29, 2006

Burhanistan: of course, you're right. Islamist terrorist-paste. The communists were so six decades ago!
posted by arcticwoman at 10:13 AM on November 29, 2006

Your tax dollars at work! Rejoice, citizens! You are the safest people EVER!

:)
posted by zoogleplex at 10:16 AM on November 29, 2006

Poor puppies, relegated to sniffing for bombs. Where's the fun in that? I bet they wish they were narcotics dogs, what with the sniffing out coke and all.

And you just know that narc dogs get all the bitches.
posted by quin at 10:17 AM on November 29, 2006

I'm pretty sure the American Legion doesn't approve of letting puppies sleep on the flag on the floor.

Yeah, seriously.

Why is it that the people who claim to be the most patriotic are usually also the first to desecrate and disrespect the very symbols of their patriotism - usually through their own ignorance or stupidity?
posted by loquacious at 10:18 AM on November 29, 2006

I'm impressed. The TSA has a foolproof plan to foil terrorist attacks.

Terrorist1: OK, brothers, we attack!
Terrorist2: Oh, look! PUPP1ES!
Terrorist1: Awww!

Weapons of Mass Distraction, indeed.
posted by ursus_comiter at 10:28 AM on November 29, 2006

Why is it that the people who claim to be the most patriotic are usually also the first to desecrate and disrespect the very symbols of their patriotism

I have no idea what you're talking about.
posted by clevershark at 10:31 AM on November 29, 2006

They've used dogs for ages. Years ago when I was on a return trip from Japan, I got stuck in a long line in Customs at SFO. My mom was on the trip with me. Imagine the horrified look on her face when the bomb sniffing dog got to her luggage and went crazy.

She had a box of Milk Bonez in the bag. Fortunately, the handler knew that the reaction was "OMG TREEEATZ" and not "UH OH! BoMB!" and all was well.
Yes, she gave the bomb sniffing dog a Milk Bone.

And the TSA puppies are adorable.
posted by drstein at 10:40 AM on November 29, 2006

Must remember to travel with dried venison treats
posted by rough ashlar at 10:45 AM on November 29, 2006

Coming back to JFK from AMS a few years ago I was amused by the sight of dogs being led around the baggage check area.

They must have been produce-detecting dogs, because they paid no attention to me and I had (while in Amsterdam) carried a little amount of marijuana in my jacket pocket for most of the previous week.
posted by clevershark at 10:46 AM on November 29, 2006

to be fair, toothpaste with baking soda can be detonated quite easily
posted by matteo at 11:00 AM on November 29, 2006

They must have been produce-detecting dogs, because they paid no attention to me and I had (while in Amsterdam) carried a little amount of marijuana in my jacket pocket for most of the previous week.
posted by clevershark at 10:46 AM PST

See! Like I said in another thread - the war on drugs is over and has been won if you didn't get nailed.

That, and the lack of drugs.
posted by rough ashlar at 11:31 AM on November 29, 2006

PuppieBombs(tm)
posted by IronLizard at 11:42 AM on November 29, 2006

The first time a puppy gets blowed up they are going to start taking this shit really seriously. Just you watch.
posted by thekilgore at 11:45 AM on November 29, 2006

This is a trial run. If it works, airports are going to stop showing CNN and Fox on oversized heads up displays, and instead run content from Cute Overload and Stuff On My Cat.
posted by ardgedee at 11:54 AM on November 29, 2006

I was looking through the rest of the site and saw a flight attendant self-defence course with this weighty NDA
attached to it.

Do Government NDA's have the same weight as those from the private sector? The information isn't marked as classified.
posted by dr_dank at 12:35 PM on November 29, 2006

matteo: what are you talking about?
posted by odinsdream at 12:58 PM on November 29, 2006

Marvellous! This is fantastic news. Airport security will be much improved, and the delays and annoyances and stupid petty humilations will be relegated to the past. I look forward to being able to give the new screeners a pat and a scratch behind the ears and get onto my flight unmolested, nail clippers and laptop intact.

Oh ... hang on. They're not getting rid of the human screeners? Never mind then. *books hire car*
posted by aeschenkarnos at 4:23 PM on November 29, 2006

In the end, the puppies will stop the terrorists. You may doubt this grand pronouncement from the summit, but I want to assure you that the puppies are in the airports and the puppies are prepared. They have been trained by the finest experts: men who don't know exactly what they're working for, but who have some idea that the TSA's role is to inconvenience as many people as possible and maybe whack a few heads.

The puppies will follow you into the restroom because they now understand what happens in the toilet stalls and they are fond of imbibing: not just toilet water, but human blood. These are puppies who, while unable to detect weapons in carry-on luggage, will bite off one of your fingers and, if they are particularly ravenous, possibly another. Only a fool would believe that the TSA employs mascots and, based on the TSA's findings, it is clear that all terrorists are fools. So there will be no room for error. The plan is foolproof. And it starts with the cute little dogs.

The puppies have been trained and the jihad between puppies and humans has begun. And by humans, we mean those unAmerican scum who are harboring when they should be flying. You'll be thinking twice about how adorable these carnivorous creatures are. There's a fine line between cute and feral. Consider that it took the TSA five years to enact this policy. Five years of perfecting the killer animal, encased in a shroud of wrinkles and apparent love.

Well, we all know the Hall & Oates song. And I can assure you that this love will hurt.

The photos do not indicate this, but these puppies are armed with heat-seeking missiles and a poisonous saliva that will cause many small children to die. And if the puppies make a mistake, as they may in the interests of national security, there's enough money in the coffers to pay out some simpering parent who feels compelled not only to grieve, like an unAmerican wuss, but to file suit in the grand American tradition. Until we pull habeas corpus once and for all in the name of freedom.
posted by ed at 4:34 PM on November 29, 2006

You know what those security folks really don't like? Loud comments about how ineffective they are in finding dangerous materials. My ass is still killing me.
posted by fenriq at 6:53 PM on November 29, 2006