The killer has been identified as Jesus Christ.
December 4, 2006 3:06 PM   Subscribe

Satan is dead. Police are seeking a Jewish male in his early thirties in connection with the killing.
posted by EarBucket (47 comments total) 1 user marked this as a favorite

 
Pheobie Noble -- you go girl!
posted by ericb at 3:13 PM on December 4, 2006


10 Bucks? For a Funeral? Pshhh!

So did they catch the guy that did it?
posted by chillmost at 3:27 PM on December 4, 2006


more importantly, is the perp going to do time?
posted by infowar at 3:33 PM on December 4, 2006


Since it happened in the US, they'll probably execute him.
posted by owhydididoit at 3:35 PM on December 4, 2006


Actually, that's already been taken care of.
posted by luriete at 3:38 PM on December 4, 2006 [1 favorite]


The evidence is pretty clear cut. I think they're really gonna nail this guy...
posted by stenseng at 3:44 PM on December 4, 2006 [1 favorite]


However, I do think some extensive cross examination will be in order.
posted by stenseng at 3:46 PM on December 4, 2006


knettergek
posted by Substrata at 3:51 PM on December 4, 2006


I've got a feeling that the charges against the perp may be laid to rest, but will rise again.
posted by baggers at 3:53 PM on December 4, 2006


"It's a sad day for hell..."
posted by sklero at 3:54 PM on December 4, 2006


I hope they pull in those strange people at the scene. I don't exactly know why they're standing over the chalk lines and holding a lasso, but that seems like suspicious behavior if I ever saw it.

I'm sure that, at the funeral, it will be reveal that the police found Jesus. And put him in prison... in their HEARTS.
posted by koeselitz at 3:54 PM on December 4, 2006


*listens to megadeth sadly*
posted by koeselitz at 3:55 PM on December 4, 2006


The perp has been seen hanging around the church....

Hanging around... get it? On the cross on the wall?....

Oh, forget it...
posted by MythMaker at 3:57 PM on December 4, 2006


so, now what are they going to blame human wickedness and an imperfect world upon?
posted by pyramid termite at 4:05 PM on December 4, 2006


It might actually be a happy day for hell now. Hell might be the new heaven, without a brutal god hating tyrant running the place. Democracy might break out. Wait, what are we talking about?
posted by found missing at 4:17 PM on December 4, 2006 [1 favorite]


the funeral service is on my birthday!
posted by andywolf at 4:24 PM on December 4, 2006


i love, love, love the idea of "rebuking" the devil.
posted by facetious at 4:28 PM on December 4, 2006


stenseng : The evidence is pretty clear cut. I think they're really gonna nail this guy...

Oooh, I'd tell you that your so going to Hell for this one, but what with the devil dead, Hell will probably end up being a pretty nice place to live. What with the view of the lake of fire and all, I bet property values triple in the next couple of years.

Actually, I've been looking for a place down South, maybe now is the time to buy.
posted by quin at 4:33 PM on December 4, 2006


Satan was only the start. This guy is going on a spree. Worse than that sniper case a couple years back. Did you hear how he did Satan? Lazers. Guy has fucking lazers! Used to work at an industrial plant, is what I heard. Now he's just going around the country burning holes right through people. Bam.

We got to stop him, cuz if we don't, he's, he's gonna—that's right:

LAZER US.
posted by cortex at 4:38 PM on December 4, 2006


I've been looking for a place down South, maybe now is the time to buy.

Damn right! You heard the preacher: "Jesus is Lord over the Delta!"

Like they always used to say, "the South's gonna rise again"!
posted by flapjax at midnite at 4:39 PM on December 4, 2006


.
posted by Effigy2000 at 4:44 PM on December 4, 2006


I don't know, I'm uncomfortable with the fact that Jesus felt he could take the law into his own hands and just slay someone. I mean, do we want that kind of society?
posted by hojoki at 4:47 PM on December 4, 2006


Satan Who?
posted by jonmc at 4:48 PM on December 4, 2006


OH, CRAP ... i just checked my record collection ... AND ALL MY BLACK SABBATH LPS have been mysteriously changed to LAWRENCE WELK RECORDS!!

please advise ...
posted by pyramid termite at 4:51 PM on December 4, 2006 [2 favorites]


At least they're not NEIL DIAMOND RECORDS!!
posted by ericb at 5:04 PM on December 4, 2006


"OH, CRAP ... i just checked my record collection ... AND ALL MY BLACK SABBATH LPS have been mysteriously changed to LAWRENCE WELK RECORDS!!

please advise ..."


Turn on the bubble machine.
posted by mr_crash_davis at 5:06 PM on December 4, 2006


Lawrence Welk records? Now that's some evil shit.
posted by hojoki at 5:11 PM on December 4, 2006


Wonderful, wonderful...
posted by Pollomacho at 5:12 PM on December 4, 2006


Has anyone alerted Ween?
posted by sharksandwich at 5:13 PM on December 4, 2006


Jesus Christ, what a mad world we live in!
posted by Holy foxy moxie batman! at 5:24 PM on December 4, 2006


"Satan's next of kin, his brother Willard in Cincinnati, has said that, while he doesn't know precisely what he'll do with all the souls he's inherited, he's thinking of donating them to his favorite charity, the Republican Party, as he's heard they'd been in great need this election year. He would also like anyone who's in contact with Robert Johnson to please help them get in touch, as he's willing to trade back, as Willard has always wanted to play the guitar."
posted by koeselitz at 5:25 PM on December 4, 2006


Luke 7:14 - And Jesus said unto the multitude, I shall findeth the real killer. Now watch this drive.
posted by Pollomacho at 5:43 PM on December 4, 2006


If this video were on You Tube there'd be hell to pay.
posted by DieHipsterDie at 5:51 PM on December 4, 2006


.
posted by Phlogiston at 5:52 PM on December 4, 2006


This is hilariously cute in its naivete. I especially like how the sheriff expects crime rates to go down, now that Satan is dead.
posted by Slarty Bartfast at 6:02 PM on December 4, 2006


Satan is alive and well.
posted by four panels at 6:43 PM on December 4, 2006


Police are seeking a Jewish mob in connection with the killing.

Oh, now Jesus is dead.
posted by four panels at 6:44 PM on December 4, 2006


I noticed they re-used a goodly proportion of those 'witnesses', by dressing them in over-sized woman's wear. For instance, both Pheobie Noble and Betty Watkins were played by Milton Gaston. And I believe the the phat lady with the noose, who was loitering at the beginning of the VT was played by the pastor. I'm sorry to ruin it for everyone, the only conclusion is that this is some kind of hoax. We shall have to wait for snopes of course. But I rest quite comfortably with my conclusion. Diabolus est Alive.
posted by econous at 7:00 PM on December 4, 2006


The Gospel of Jesus: If I did it.
posted by papakwanz at 7:14 PM on December 4, 2006


A distraught Saddam Hussein could not be immediately reached for comment.

/SouthPark
posted by ZenMasterThis at 7:25 PM on December 4, 2006


"Jesus? Nice guy, kinda kept to himself most of the time, said hi if you saw him in the laundry room. 'Course, he ran with a bad crowd, hos, thugs, tax collectors, y'know?"

"Heard he had some tough times growing up, a lot of moving around, controversy when his mom got knocked up. His step dad did the best he could, but you know how it is sometimes when when the baby's daddy is a bigwig and you're just a Nazarene carpenter, it's tough, right?"
posted by Alvy Ampersand at 8:49 PM on December 4, 2006 [3 favorites]


My favorite part is the Sherriff's "acting." It's stilted and wooden in a way that reminds me of this bit from Buffy; the last minute, that is; the Oedipus play.
posted by sparkletone at 12:45 AM on December 5, 2006


The video reminds me the leperchaun in the tree. No, it's not for THAT reason but rather the people in it and such.

Also, if they got rid of Satan, who in Christianity is responsible for evil, they would thus get rid of evil. If they got rid of evil, they would thus get rid of free will and God gave man free will. So wouldn't killing Satan be a bad idea for these people?
posted by champthom at 4:36 PM on December 5, 2006


White chalk + outline of the devil = White Devil? I don't want to draw any leading conclusions, but I think the answer is clear.
posted by Eideteker at 7:49 PM on December 5, 2006


God gave man free will

This is the New Hope Baptist Church, the Free Will Baptist Church is down the block, next to the Four Square Gospel Church.
posted by Pollomacho at 8:48 PM on December 5, 2006


Hm. My penis disappeared.
posted by tehloki at 11:05 PM on December 5, 2006


This is the New Hope Baptist Church...

Meh, the Empire Strikes Baptist Church is way better.

Psst! Mary Magdalene is his sister, and you'll never believe who his dad is!
posted by Alvy Ampersand at 11:36 PM on December 5, 2006


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