I do...do I?

December 20, 2006 2:08 PM

Questions to ask before marrying.
posted by dov3 (139 comments total)

16. Although you look like a beautiful woman, you have a large adam's apple and unusually mannish hands. Is there something you should tell me?
posted by Astro Zombie at 2:10 PM on December 20, 2006

7) Will there be a television in the bedroom?

This one seems incongruously specific.

How about "Do we share the same values and boundaries around having sex with other people?" instead.
posted by ottereroticist at 2:17 PM on December 20, 2006

The three questions I ask everybody I meet in order to decide if I can love them:

1. Let us assume you met a rudimentary magician. Let us assume he can do five simple tricks -- he can pull a rabbit out of his hat, he can make a coin disappear, he can turn the ace of spades into the Joker card, and two others in a similar vein. These are his only tricks and he can't learn any more; he can only do these five. HOWEVER, it turns out he's doing these five tricks with real magic. It's not an illusion; he can actually conjure the bunny out of the ether and he can move the coin through space. He's legimately magical, but extremely limited in scope and influence.
Would this person be more impressive than Albert Einstein?

2. Let us assume that a fully grown, completely healthy Clydesdale horse has his hooves shackled to the ground while his head is held in place with thick rope. He is conscious and standing upright, but completely immobile. And let us assume that --- for some reason -- every political prisoner on earth (as cited by Amnesty International) will be released from captivity if you can kick this horse to death in less than twenty minutes. You are allowed to wear steel-toed boots.
Would you attempt to do this?

3. Let us assume that there are two boxes on a table. In one box, there is a relatively normal turtle; in other, Adolf Hitler's skull. You have to select one of these items for your home. If you select the turtle, you can't give it away and you have to keep it alive for two years; if either of these parameters are not met, you will be fined $999 by the state. If you select Hitler's skull, you are required to display it in a semi-prominent location in your living room for the same amount of time, although you will be paid a stipend of $120 per month for doing so. Display of the skull must be apolitical.
Which option do you select?

- Chuck Klosterman
posted by ND¢ at 2:18 PM on December 20, 2006 [18 favorites has favorites]

Wow -- no post yet on how this should really not be a post? Is Metafilter changing as it passes the 46,000 mark?
posted by skepticallypleased at 2:19 PM on December 20, 2006

16. Are we willing to sign a prenup?
posted by Null Pointer and the Exceptions at 2:23 PM on December 20, 2006

I really, really, really want fuller explanations for how these other questions came to be so important in the posters' lives. :)
posted by etaoin at 2:24 PM on December 20, 2006

17) Let's assume an electric train had departed from Boston at 6:35 am. As it travels en route to Chicago, it accellerates to a rate of 45 miles per hour. I realise I'm citing miles here, instead of kilometeres, but I have a reason for that, which I shall explain later.

As the continues on its course, it encounters a pressue front from Canada. For the sake of this discussion, we'll say Ontario...
posted by Smart Dalek at 2:27 PM on December 20, 2006

17. Are you the sort of person who is willing to let the New York Times influence your matrimonial decisions?
posted by phooky at 2:28 PM on December 20, 2006

Do You Take It?
posted by dhartung at 2:28 PM on December 20, 2006

ND¢:
1. Albert Einstein is more impressive only because a magician has managed to move items through time and space and the best application he can find for it is to make a coin disappear. What a dick.

2. No, because a political prisoner should be freed because it is proven that they were wrongly jailed, not because I kicked the shit out of some horse.

3. The skull. 1) Keeping a turtle alive is no easy feat and 2) since the display must be apolitical, who has to know it's Hitler's skull?

- as well as answers to the OTHER 20 questions
posted by spock at 2:29 PM on December 20, 2006

(Oh, and: 1. no, 2. do I get a ladder?, and 3. skull.)
posted by phooky at 2:29 PM on December 20, 2006

"14) If one of us were to be offered a career opportunity in a location far from the other’s family, are we prepared to move?"

. But what if one of us is offered a great career opportunity that requires a long distance move,and the spouse would have to give up a job in order to move, is the other willing to go along? Isn't that more important than being close to the partner's family?
posted by Postroad at 2:30 PM on December 20, 2006

I choose the lady-- no wait! The tiger! I know this one! I know this one!
posted by brundlefly at 2:32 PM on December 20, 2006

16) Do you have a sister?
17) Do you swallow?
18) If the answer to 16 is "Yes" and the answer to 17 is "No" does your sister swallow?
19) Do you and your best friend share everything?
20) Which concept are you more comfortable with: A) "plural marriage" or B) "polyamory"?
21) Does a member of your immediate family have season tickets for the Green Bay Packers?
22) Do you believe it possible to have too much porn?
23) What is your favorite beer?
24) Bon Scott AC/DC or Brian Johnson AC/DC?
posted by MikeMc at 2:33 PM on December 20, 2006

...No, no, no. I'm sorry, Darling, but when I included p-n variables in my train scenario, you should've assumed, for the sake of the scenario, that Multiverse Theory would be applicable. Had you done so, you would've realised the train would never have reached Illinois.

Now if you would be so kind, my dear, I'd appreciate it if you would stop crying, and hand me back that engagement ring.
posted by Smart Dalek at 2:34 PM on December 20, 2006 [1 favorite has favorites]

How often will your mother be visiting?
posted by dhartung at 2:34 PM on December 20, 2006

Why is there a watermelon there?
posted by dhartung at 2:35 PM on December 20, 2006

25) If the answer to 17 is "Yes" and the answer to 24 is "Brian Johnson", does Bon Scott swallow?

wait no
posted by Mikey-San at 2:37 PM on December 20, 2006 [2 favorites has favorites]

87. Are you prepared to identify your Metafilter primary account and any sockpuppetry, and explain and defend all past posts, snarky comments, idiotic questions asked while stoned, and sub-best of the web favorites?

88. Are you an ass hat?
posted by tula at 2:38 PM on December 20, 2006 [1 favorite has favorites]

89. Are you willing to concede your favorite band sucks?
posted by fandango_matt at 2:46 PM on December 20, 2006

16)If Lemmy and God got into a fight, who would win?
posted by slimepuppy at 2:49 PM on December 20, 2006

"16)If Lemmy and God got into a fight, who would win?"

Trick question. Lemmy is God.
posted by MikeMc at 2:50 PM on December 20, 2006

26) Will you ever change in any respect, ever? There is only one right answer.
27) Why are you acting this way?
28) Why can't you ever just discuss things rationally?
29) No seriously, are you always such a &%$*&?
30) No, fuck you!
31) You can't walk out on me, I'm walkin out on you!
32) *sob*
33) Aw, I didn't mean it baby, I drank too much, I love you.
34) No really.
35) Sho, uh, wanna do it?
36) ow, that hurts
37) come back!
38) uh... call me...?

Order my book, folks.
posted by sonofsamiam at 2:51 PM on December 20, 2006 [1 favorite has favorites]

MikeMc has marriage potential.
posted by slimepuppy at 2:52 PM on December 20, 2006

And the final question #whatever is:

"Why are we considering doing this again?"
posted by elendil71 at 2:56 PM on December 20, 2006

MikeMc : 24) Bon Scott AC/DC or Brian Johnson AC/DC?

Bon Scott: better name
Brian Johnson: better singer.

Trick question. Lemmy is God.

Truth.
posted by quin at 3:01 PM on December 20, 2006

I think it was Patton Oswalt who said:
What do you like the temperature of the air around you to be?
posted by allelopath at 3:01 PM on December 20, 2006

"Will there be a television in the bedroom?"

Speaking from my experience this is a valid question and the answer should be no.
posted by 2sheets at 3:15 PM on December 20, 2006

Blue. No, yellow.
posted by jfuller at 3:18 PM on December 20, 2006

39(a): You jackin' it?
posted by mr_crash_davis at 3:19 PM on December 20, 2006

53) If I were in a horrible accident, and became completely disfigured, and all my hair fell out and my arms and legs and breasts were amputated, and I was in a wheelchair for the rest of my life, and you had to utterly devote yourself to my care, and we couldn't even have sex because of residual damage from the amputations, and I couldn't even blow you because my jaw was wired shut, would you still want to marry me?

No? Asshole.
posted by muddgirl at 3:21 PM on December 20, 2006

90) Are looks important to you?

91) List all recent bikini, swimsuit, hot body, and general beauty contests in which you placed first or second. (Use backside of sheet if you need more room)

92) If you were to become obese or physically disabled how would you continue to amuse me?
posted by StarForce5 at 3:22 PM on December 20, 2006

74) What is the airspeed of an unladen swallow?

(sorry, couldn't help it!)

Seriously, though- (11) is unfair because the answer to (12) is "virtually everything." It's not my fault that my parents are crazy. Fortunately, my wife knows that and loved me enough to marry me anyway.

Hmm, sometimes I wish anonymous commenting were possible.
posted by JMOZ at 3:31 PM on December 20, 2006

C'mon, the only question that matters is:

100) WWWWWHHHHHHHHHHYYYYYYYYYYYYY????????????????
posted by robocop is bleeding at 3:33 PM on December 20, 2006

How would you feel if I told you an angel had informed me I was about to become preggers with the offspring of a major deity... and you were not that deity?
posted by katillathehun at 3:35 PM on December 20, 2006 [1 favorite has favorites]

Muddgirl: Could I rub it on you?

No? Frigid bitch.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 3:38 PM on December 20, 2006

34c) Are you now, or have you ever been, a member of the Communist Party?
posted by Meatbomb at 3:38 PM on December 20, 2006

Have you EVER considered letting me win?
posted by Phantast at 3:41 PM on December 20, 2006

18. You’re in a desert walking along in the sand, when all of a sudden you look down, and you see a tortoise...
posted by katillathehun at 3:45 PM on December 20, 2006 [1 favorite has favorites]

7337) R U in My LISTS, AnswEring My QuesTiOns
posted by BrodieShadeTree at 3:47 PM on December 20, 2006

I think you're supposed to propound interrogatories to the spouse after the marriage is over, not before it starts.
posted by Saucy Intruder at 3:49 PM on December 20, 2006

Do you make up these questions, or do they write 'em down for you?
posted by infinitewindow at 3:50 PM on December 20, 2006

Do you react badly to well meaning and constructive criticism about your weight?

"Yeah, I'm not going anywhere until you find a pair of shorts you can get your whole ass in."

Does logical questioning of your motives for certain actions threaten you? What about requests that you reconsider your methods of communication?

"Why are you such an insufferable harpie!?! Can't you just shut the hell up for 5 minutes!?!"



I'm right here ladies.
posted by SinisterPurpose at 3:52 PM on December 20, 2006

19. 1187 Hunterwasser . . . . Nice place?

P.S. katillathehun wins the internets.

P.P.S I just lost the game.
posted by The Bellman at 3:53 PM on December 20, 2006

Full season or half season for the hockey tickets? (And there will be no arguing over seats. I get the aisle.)

dhartung: I'll tell you later.
posted by aine42 at 3:57 PM on December 20, 2006

My mother? I'll tell you about my mother.
posted by jokeefe at 4:05 PM on December 20, 2006 [1 favorite has favorites]

23) Is it safe?
posted by nyxxxx at 4:25 PM on December 20, 2006

posted by nyxxxx Is it safe?

Is it safe?
posted by fandango_matt at 4:42 PM on December 20, 2006

24) Do you like movies about gladiators?

25) Do you ever hang around the gymnasium?

26) Have you ever seen a grown man naked?
posted by fandango_matt at 4:46 PM on December 20, 2006

A surprisingly good question.

I agree. No TV in the bedroom.
posted by wfc123 at 4:49 PM on December 20, 2006

Here's my short list from a few years ago. These are the things that can lead to real agruments:

1. Cats or Dogs?
2.A Beatles or Rolling Stones?
2.B if Beatles: Lennon or McCartney?
2.C if Stones: Jagger or Richards?
3. Creamy or Crunchy?
4. John Wayne or Clint Eastwood?
5. Kirk or Picard?
6. Mac or P.C.?
7. White or Wheat?
8. Black, Cream or Cream & sugar?
9. Safety or Strike anywhere?
10. Paper or Plastic?
11. Original or Extra Crispy?
12. Tent or Hotel?
posted by Devils Rancher at 4:51 PM on December 20, 2006

13. Dana, or Zuul?
posted by fandango_matt at 4:52 PM on December 20, 2006

There is only one question with two parts:

1a. Can you possibly go on living without me?
1b. If the answer is "No" will you always treat me as a precious gift bestowed upon you by the gods?

(He answered No, Yes and we are celebrating our second anniversary this New Year's Eve.)
posted by Secret Life of Gravy at 4:58 PM on December 20, 2006 [2 favorites has favorites]

16. Is the the tp supposed to unroll 'over' or 'under'?

More marriages hit the rocks over this question than over any other source of household conflict.

And I'm surprised nobody's suggested the make-or-break question:

#0.) Which operating system?
posted by AsYouKnow Bob at 5:04 PM on December 20, 2006

I call shenanigans on anyone saying that Einstein is more impressive than the magician. Sure, that's the answer that we all want to say. And obviously he was immensely knowledgeable, had a fantastic insight that no one had had before, and so forth.

But the fact is that Einstein was in the right place at the right time; it's almost unimaginable that no one to this day would have come up with relativity if he hadn't. Not Pauli? Not Bohr? Not Fermi? Not Heisenberg? Not Dirac? None of these people? And no one else, either? Despite the experimental evidence that had recently come in and was absolutely begging for a non-Newtonian explanation? Baloney.

Meanwhile, this magician is genuinely materializing rabbits out of the void.

The only conceivable strike against him is the assumption that he was just born with this talent, and did nothing to figure out how to do it or anything like that. However:

1. That's a pretty weak reason not to be impressed by genuine materialization of a rabbit out of the void;
2. The statement of the question does not imply this assumption, or anything like it.

In summary, I repeat: baloney.
posted by Flunkie at 5:10 PM on December 20, 2006

Eeenh. I discussed all those questions, and the answers were favorable. I still got divorced.
posted by JanetLand at 5:14 PM on December 20, 2006

fandango_matt : 13. Dana, or Zuul?

Dana possessed by Zuul. The hotness that sleeps above the covers... four feet about the covers.
posted by quin at 5:14 PM on December 20, 2006

My apologies to Devils Rancher: you beat me to the 'OS' question. (In my defense, though, I failed to spot it in your list. It needs to be given its proper prominence.)
posted by AsYouKnow Bob at 5:18 PM on December 20, 2006

vi or emacs?
posted by pax digita at 6:05 PM on December 20, 2006

But the fact is that Einstein was in the right place at the right time; it's almost unimaginable that no one to this day would have come up with relativity if he hadn't

Not to mention that his first wife did the math for him.
posted by jokeefe at 6:11 PM on December 20, 2006

Are you gonna insist on a ring? Or would you accept say, a canoe?
posted by vito90 at 6:18 PM on December 20, 2006

Women tend to think men are kidding about the swallow and anal questions. We're serious.
posted by four panels at 6:27 PM on December 20, 2006 [1 favorite has favorites]

> Meanwhile, this magician is genuinely materializing rabbits out of the void.

The fact (and all it would entail, about the existence of magic and the supernatural and yada yada) would be impressive. Awe-inspiring. The magician himself, not so much.
posted by jfuller at 6:40 PM on December 20, 2006

234. English, motherfucker, do you speak it!?
483. Can you dig it? Can you dig it? Can youuuu dig iiiit!?

Bon Scott AC/DC or Brian Johnson AC/DC?
Bon Scott, plus Back in Black.
posted by kirkaracha at 6:41 PM on December 20, 2006

Oh yeah, and the critical questions. Circumcise the baby, or not? Declaw the cat, or not? Several others will occur on a moment's thought.
posted by jfuller at 6:42 PM on December 20, 2006

The fact (and all it would entail, about the existence of magic and the supernatural and yada yada) would be impressive. Awe-inspiring. The magician himself, not so much.

Once again:

Your implicit assumption that the magician did nothing to figure out how to do this, didn't work very very hard at it, and so forth is completely unwarranted.
posted by Flunkie at 6:46 PM on December 20, 2006

Circumcise the baby, or not?

As a Gedankenexperiment, try asking the question in light of the possibility of the baby being born female and see what sort of fireworks you elicit. Ahem.

As you see I change over time, will you change toward me or away from me?
posted by pax digita at 6:56 PM on December 20, 2006

Oh, I know...

What's the worst thing that ever happened to you, and what has it shown you?
posted by pax digita at 6:59 PM on December 20, 2006

As you see I change over time, will you change toward me or away from me?

I don't get it. Seems completely useless. It will elicit a feel-good response that has no basis in reality -- not because your potential mate is a liar, but because the question cannot be answered in any meaningful way.

Things like "TV in the bedroom or not" are vastly better questions. That's a genuine and practical sticking point in a lot of people's relationships, that many people don't realize will be a sticking point until it's already too late, and it can be answered distinctly, meaningfully, and exactly.

"Will you change toward me or away from me", on the other hand? You might as well ask "Do you pwomise you'll wuv me even when I'm owd and gwey, snookypookums?"

So, can you enlighten me by explaining how different answers to this question would actually enable you to make a wiser decision on whether or not to marry the person in question?
posted by Flunkie at 7:04 PM on December 20, 2006 [1 favorite has favorites]

I checked out that Klosterman book from the library the other day and read those three questions last night and discussed them with my wife, so they were fresh in my mind today when I saw this post, and so I posted them right before I left work for the day, and haven't had a chance to check back on this thread until now. Here are my answers:

1. Yes the magician is more impressive than Einstein. Einstein figured out ways that the world works that nobody had before, but the magician is FUCKING MAGIC! He proves that magic is real. That is impressive. It doesn't matter that he can't do much and didn't work very hard to be magic. HE IS FUCKING MAGIC! Also, it means that maybe, just maybe, I can go to Hogwarts one day.

2. I think that this question hinges on what phooky brought up: do I get a ladder? If I can actually kick the horse to death successfully in twenty minutes, then I will do it. It won't be pleasant, and I would not choose to do it, but if it would free thousands of innocent people, then I will do it. I am from the country, and I will kick a horse to death. That being said, I don't want to just wound the horse and kick it in the stomach a bunch. I want to get up on the ladder and look it in the eye and say "Sorry horse, but I have to do this." and then I want to smash its skull in with my steel toed boot in one go. If I can do this, then yes, I would kick a horse to death.

3. This one is a close call. I don't want either in my house, but if it were a turtle and the possibility of a $999 fine or say, a random cardboard box and $120 a month, I would take the box. I live in South Carolina, and $120 is a good chunk of change down here. However, with Hitler's skull, I would always know that it was Hitler's skull, and I just don't want that kind of shit messing with my vibes all the time. I would be sitting on my couch just having seen something funny on TV and be laughing, and then I would look over at Hitler's skull and start thinking about the Holocaust. It would not be cool. To get all hippy on you, a turtle is a living thing, and so adds good vibes to your house. Hitler's skull would just be putting out evil into your house. That is bad fung shui.

So, that is me. My wife said Einstein was more impressive because he is intelligent (wtf?) that she doesn't want to kick a horse to death and doesn't care about political prisoners (this is the most caring person on earth in real life, but someone who can be hypotheitcally awful) and Hitler's skull because she could just stick it in the corner, and she could use the $120 a month, which I am pretty sure was a dig about how much I make.

So, my wife and I don't agree on any of those. Good thing they are stupid questions.
posted by ND¢ at 7:07 PM on December 20, 2006

1. magician
2. dead horse
3. hitler

4. Can you beat me at Scrabble?
5. Are you going to ask me a bunch of silly swallow/anal questions?
6. Do you feel that capitalism necessitates an oppressed underclass?
posted by jessamyn at 7:19 PM on December 20, 2006

Jessamyn you don't want Hitler's skull in your house. That is Hitler's skull. Come on now. Hitler! Think about it for a second. That isn't just any skull. That is the skull of Hitler. Hitler.
posted by ND¢ at 7:26 PM on December 20, 2006

Flunkie, maybe you're right.

I guess I meant it not to elicit feel-good easy answers so much as to get the other person to ponder what sort of emotional and spiritual resilience and courage he/she needs to bring to a long-term relationship. "TV in the bedroom" is probably much more immediately useful.

So -- no, I'm afraid I can't enlighten you without maybe writing an entire book on the subject, and probably other people have already done so more eloquently and thoughtfully than I could.
posted by pax digita at 7:31 PM on December 20, 2006

That is the skull of Hitler. Hitler.

Good thing you are already married! It would make my Mom laugh like hell: "At least that fucker did something good for someone in this family." A turtle, not so much.
posted by jessamyn at 7:38 PM on December 20, 2006 [1 favorite has favorites]

For the record, I agree completely with ND¢ on all three questions:

1. Magician
2. Kill the horse if a ladder is available
3. Hitler's skull in the living room would be some seriously bad juju, so I'm going with the turtle

Unfortunately:

1. He's married
2. I'm neither gay nor female

posted by Flunkie at 7:39 PM on December 20, 2006

Your implicit assumption that the magician did nothing to figure out how to do this, didn't work very very hard at it, and so forth is completely unwarranted.

No, If he had figured it out, he wouldn't be limited to five tricks. Not being able to expand your use of something is a major sign of not understanding it. I pick Einstein.
(If you argue that maybe he does understand it, but its nature is inherently limited to those five tricks, then he has discovered something of little value. Unlike Einstein.)


I disagree about the political prisoners though. Not all political prisoners have chosen to be prisoners just to make a point. Plenty would give anything and everything to escape. Plenty will be killed by their incarceration. Plenty would beg you to kill the horse if you passed the choice on to them. Plenty will never have it proven that they were wrongly jailed. The life of one horse, ended by brutal beating, seems a lower cost than the lives of many people, ended by brutal beating.
posted by -harlequin- at 7:43 PM on December 20, 2006

Corollary to my response above: You're not going to identify all the potential sticking points and generate a usefully short list of questions ahead of time, so what sort of meta-questions do you develop to determine how gracefully you're going to negotiate impasses? I'm not going to do the eHarmony thing myself -- I've been told its actual success rate is a shockingly low 2% -- but I suspect that the intent of Neil Clark Warren's approach is valid: He apparently hopes to get potential partners in a position to deal with these sorts of personal value questions with the inventory he has applicants address.

(Before the snark-prone among you roll your eyes and start hatin' on NCW and on me for mentioning him, full disclosure: I have my own problems with the man -- he smiles a bit too much and likely has his own hidden agendas to which plenty of anti-religion MeFi'ers would be especially allergic. Hell, I'm sypmathetic to his evangelical Christian orientation, yet I worry that his approach is a little facile. It's a start, though.)

The list of questions in the FPP link is a starting point, but I'd hope it would lead to some real thought about what sort of interaction skills the two people require to conduct a long-term relationship in which each is going to change and have to deal with the changes he/she sees in his/her companion. I'd hope my potential life partner would consider that he/she will need to re-ask a lot of questions of him/herself and his/her partner throughout their time together. I bet a lot of marriages fall apart because people neglect to consider that or to deal with it well when it inevitably arises.

(Kinda enjoying the snarks, though.)
posted by pax digita at 8:01 PM on December 20, 2006

No, If he had figured it out, he wouldn't be limited to five tricks. Not being able to expand your use of something is a major sign of not understanding it. I pick Einstein.
(If you argue that maybe he does understand it, but its nature is inherently limited to those five tricks, then he has discovered something of little value. Unlike Einstein.)

Again, this is simply not necessarily the case.

There's no reason to believe that, just because he is limited to those five feats, others using the techniques that he figured out and promulgated to the world wouldn't be able to do more impressive things. For a relevant example, Einstein's understanding of physics was famously surpassed during his own lifetime - there were fundamental aspects of QM that he simply could not deal with.

Einstein showed the way, and others took it and ran, and, in some sense, left him behind. That's no slight on Einstein, it's simply a fact. By treating the equivalent as a slight on the magician, you're being unfair.
posted by Flunkie at 8:04 PM on December 20, 2006

1. Magician, as ND¢ said. Somebody smarter than the magician (like Einstein) could in theory figure out how the magician does what he does, and that person would be more impressive than either; but without the magician, that person wouldn't get their data. As with any other form of perpetual motion machine, teleporter, output > input energy producing machine, or time travel device, creation from nothing is a "fungible key" to the solution of all kinds of problems; ie, you could do a whole lot more stuff with it than just produce coins. Even if all you could do, at step 1, was produce coins. (At what maximum speed? What maximum mass of coin? What kind of metals? Each of these questions comes with an associated question "why", as well.)

2. Like many questions that suggest a capricious evil act could be performed in order to assure a capricous good act, this doesn't explain or even acknowledge the power of the requester. Why would such a being, proving itself outside of moral behavior, keep their end of the bargain? Why not, having seen you kill the horse, move to the next phase of the experiment, and bring out, say, a human cancer patient for you to kick? A criminal? A child? And so forth. In my opinion the most moral response to devil's bargains is to, if practical, remove the power to offer the bargain from the offerer of the devilish bargain.

3. Skull. The skull of Hitler is irrefutable proof of one thing: he's dead. I have very little personal emotional investment in the life and death of Adolf Hitler, but I'd be willing to serve as a curator for it, for the benefit of those who do. Guards, visiting hours, secure premises, all can be arranged.
posted by aeschenkarnos at 8:10 PM on December 20, 2006

In my opinion the most moral response to devil's bargains is to, if practical, remove the power to offer the bargain from the offerer of the devilish bargain.

Eh, I see that as a copout.

With all such ridiculously hypothetical questions, it should be assumed that you know -- absolutely know -- the assumptions of the question to be true beyond any and all doubt. How you know with such certainty is not relevant to the question.
posted by Flunkie at 8:17 PM on December 20, 2006

16) What's a tortoise?
17) Where are we going?
18) When will we get there?
19) What is the greatest joy?
20) Mitchell?
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 8:23 PM on December 20, 2006

Flunkie: Eh, I see that as a copout.

Fair enough. I claim the right to cop out of ridiculous hypothetical questions. :)
posted by aeschenkarnos at 8:54 PM on December 20, 2006

"Display of the skull must be apolitical.
Which option do you select?"

Is turning Hitler's skull into a bong (for legal tobacco use only) apolitical?
posted by MikeMc at 8:58 PM on December 20, 2006 [2 favorites has favorites]

This thread became strange in ways I could not have imagined. Congrats, Mefites.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 9:19 PM on December 20, 2006 [1 favorite has favorites]

1. magician
2. dead horse
3. hitler's skull

#3 is almost a test of supersitiousness -- "bad juju"? C'mon.
That being said, there was no mention of a respectful display.

4. Did you get your precious photos?
posted by dreamsign at 9:22 PM on December 20, 2006

or, you know, a spelling test. argh.
posted by dreamsign at 9:28 PM on December 20, 2006

for once and for all. either a record is good (+) or its bad (-)

High Voltage +
'74 Jailbreak +
T.N.T. +
Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap +
Let There Be Rock +
If You Want Blood, You've Got It +
Powerage +
Highway To Hell +

whaddya know, Bon recorded 8 albums, all good

Back in Black +
For Those About to Rock +
Flick of the Switch -
Fly on the Wall -
Blow Up Your Video -
The Razor's Edge +
Ballbreaker +
Live At Donnington +
Stiff Upper Lip -

And Brian, although recording their greatest album, and coolest song (For Those About to Rock), only recorded 5 good albums which can be debated down to 4 when considering Ballbreaker can be beat by any Bon record.

so bon wins.
posted by tsarfan at 9:44 PM on December 20, 2006

You make a compelling argument tsarfan, but I submit to you this: while Bon had more good albums, Brian's first work Back in Black eclipsed everything the band had done previously. To my read, Bon's eight very good albums do not equal Brian's singular masterpiece.

And I respectfully suggest that you reconsider Blow Up Your Video. True, it provided us with the incredibly mediocre 'Heatseeker', but it also boasts the-best-AC/DC-track-that-no-one-ever-heard with 'That's the Way I want to Rock and Roll'.

Doubt me? Go listen to it again. I'll wait...




See? Good, isn't it?

[For the record, I always fall on the wrong side of these arguments. I am in the minority that also believes that Anthrax got better for ditching Joey Belladonna in favor of the vastly better John Bush. But that's probably a discussion better left for a different thread.]
posted by quin at 10:25 PM on December 20, 2006

172) Are you free Sat Jul 14, 2007?
posted by mazola at 10:27 PM on December 20, 2006

24) Bon Scott AC/DC or Brian Johnson AC/DC?

Dick York or Dick Sargent?
posted by neuron at 10:36 PM on December 20, 2006

quin,

i agree with you that "That's The Way I Wanna Rock & Roll" is a good tune worthy of the "Highway To Hell" days, and even though it pained me to look at their career that way, as scientists we must simply look at the facts.

there are few Brian fans bigger than me, i was lucky enough to see the back in black tour when i was but a teen and it blew my mind.

unfortunately this argument is somewhat moot since most of the credit/blame should go on the shoulders of the songwriting team of Angus and Malcom who have clearly run out of riffs which is hardly the fault of the singer.
posted by tsarfan at 11:10 PM on December 20, 2006

#3 is almost a test of supersitiousness -- "bad juju"? C'mon.

I'd smudge the holy hell out of it, and donate the $120 to the Jewish Federation.
posted by ottereroticist at 11:19 PM on December 20, 2006

I just want a turtle.
posted by liquorice at 11:54 PM on December 20, 2006

As someone with an interest in history...
I'll take the skull, and keep it after the required period also. Coolest artifact ever.
posted by jaduncan at 12:36 AM on December 21, 2006

Bon Scott: better name
Brian Johnson: better singer.

Dude, no.

Trick question. Lemmy is God.

Truth.

OK, I forgive you.
posted by stavrosthewonderchicken at 12:47 AM on December 21, 2006

Am I allowed to marry a person of this gender in this state?
posted by Target Practice at 1:25 AM on December 21, 2006

#749: Superman or Batman with preparation time? Seriously.
posted by converge at 1:58 AM on December 21, 2006

(Lord, I'm a dork.)
posted by converge at 1:58 AM on December 21, 2006

OMFG, mazola...my eventually-to-be-ex and I got married on a July 14...may your outcome be better.
posted by pax digita at 2:47 AM on December 21, 2006

I hope these aren't listed in order of priority!!
Thanks to this checklist, I can finally get to know my girlfriend, but before I propose, I'm going to ask her if she minds me clipping my toenails at the dinner table and aiming for her beverage!
But first, I want to know, wtf is this doing in the NYT? Is it just online? Did they accidentally buy Cosmo or something?
posted by hypersloth at 3:52 AM on December 21, 2006

They forgot the one question that really mattes: WHY?

I would herewith like to thank the State for approving my choice of a partner for conjugal relations.

You'd think, after a couple hundred years (or mayne it's more like 150) of modern "love based" marriage ("the natural basis of society," in Bush-speak, despite its singular and uniquely Western and modern history) people would have figured out that it doesn't work and makes everyone miserable. But no. Marriage is still whoredom dressed in finery. But the NY Times makes a good amount of money promoting the fantasy, with pages of ads around every week's page of enslavement wedding announcements. I guess keeping the wedding industry (and the church industry) alive is a reason to keep trying this failed social experiment for another century or so.
posted by spitbull at 4:59 AM on December 21, 2006

#3 is almost a test of supersitiousness -- "bad juju"? C'mon.

Being the one who actually said "bad juju", I can state with confidence that you have greatly misinterpreted me.

What I meant was more along the lines of what ND¢ described: I'd be sitting there in my living room, watching some stupid little light entertainment TV show, something funny would happen, I would laugh, and then I would remember that Adolf Hitler's skull is on my mantel. Images of the Holocaust and such would come to mind. Such thoughts, or at least the danger of such thoughts, would be omnipresent, in a room that's supposed to be a relaxing sanctuary.

If you still want to say that that objection is due to "superstition", then I still want to say "you're wrong":

I don't believe that anything magically, karmically, or otherwise supernaturally bad would happen to me because I had Hitler's skull. But that doesn't mean that nothing bad would happen to me because I had Hitler's skull. The constant threat of greatly unpleasant thoughts is not a trifle.

And it's certainly not worth the hundred bucks or whatever it was that was supposed to make up for it.
posted by Flunkie at 5:56 AM on December 21, 2006

Well, that works for me.

Hell, imagining Hitler's skull on my, well no mantle, but my bookcase is already bumming me out.

That's a lot, Flunkie. I don't even get the hundred bucks.
posted by dreamsign at 6:07 AM on December 21, 2006

I'd love to have Hitler's skull in my living room. Talk about a conversation piece. Awesome. And the ways I could non-politically desecrate it and not feel even remotely guilty. 'Hey guys, look at me use Hitler's skull as a handpuppet to mime some standup!'. Or I could just flip it around and just drink booze out of it, knowing that Hitler would not approve. Plus, as was stated before, I could send that $150 dollars to worthy causes.

Yeah, I'd also kick the shit out the horse and choose the magician.
posted by slimepuppy at 6:09 AM on December 21, 2006

1. Will you get me a beer?
2. Do you think I'm sexy?
3. Do you mind if I bite you on the butt occasionaly?
posted by jonmc at 6:14 AM on December 21, 2006

And the ways I could non-politically desecrate it and not feel even remotely guilty. 'Hey guys, look at me use Hitler's skull as a handpuppet to mime some standup!'...

You have to be careful with that (becomes somewhat relevant at 1:15).
posted by ND¢ at 6:33 AM on December 21, 2006

If I had Hitler's skull, it would be totally Awesome™ to be able to invert it and shit in it in whatever room I happened to be in, then carry the stinking bonebowl into the toilet and empty it slowly, all the time dilating my irises in a Shamanistic™ way, grimacing significantly. Not because I needed to, but because I wanted to. And to write into my will that my waterheaded dipshit progeny wouldn't get a fucking dime unless they did the same. Woohoo!

Oh, the fun we'd have.
posted by stavrosthewonderchicken at 6:50 AM on December 21, 2006

If I had Hitler's skull, I'd magic marker a little Hitler 'stache on there. Then I'd set it on top of the suit that Charlie Chaplin was buried in.
posted by sonofsamiam at 7:01 AM on December 21, 2006

If I had Hitler's skull, I'd put a yarmulke on it, just to piss him off.
posted by jonmc at 7:05 AM on December 21, 2006 [1 favorite has favorites]

This New York Times, it's a real newspaper, no? Not satire, like The Onion?
posted by ninjew at 7:08 AM on December 21, 2006

Wait, the Onion is satire?

Oh. Oh darn. I need to talk to someone about all this. Oh golly.
posted by stavrosthewonderchicken at 7:15 AM on December 21, 2006

Oh, and a little tape recorder inside so I can make him say things!

Life is starting to seem empty while I still don't own Hitler's skull.
posted by sonofsamiam at 7:28 AM on December 21, 2006

1. Magician, mainly because given enough time you could make the magician understand what Einstein was going on about, but the magician would totally freak Albert's shit out.

2. I would really hate to kick a horse to death, but it seems like having the power to release all the worlds political prisoners and not doing it would really get to you after a while. The worse thing would be to mostly kick the horse to death and run out of time and have to stop. So under those conditions I say kick out its front leg joints to bring it down and then stomp on its head, I'm very sorry horse.

3. "Hey wino, whatcha doing?"
"Just havin' a few beers, listening to some Creedence, making a pee fountain with Hitler's skull, what about you?"

In the upper middle class status quo neurotic self-absorbed empty world of the New York Time's target advertising demographic it makes perfect sense to ask a bunch of questions of your potential spouse, instead of getting to know them and yourself as a natural course of spending time with them and falling in love, because you are already the kind of shallow twit that makes it past the metro section into the cotton candy world of the "lifestyle" section. Seriously if you read the Times, split it in half and use that part to pick up dogshit, don't read it... Here there be dragons.
posted by Divine_Wino at 7:36 AM on December 21, 2006 [2 favorites has favorites]

Re: Hitler's skull

Does the Godwin law work in real life? I can imagine a dinner party where all your guests are in your living room, and someone points out the skull, and the moment someone announces what it is, some jackass with only a rudimentary idea of what Godwin actually said starts shouting "Godwin!" and demands that everyone put their drinks down and go home because the party is over.
posted by Uther Bentrazor at 7:40 AM on December 21, 2006 [1 favorite has favorites]

Kick the shit out of the magician and pull the horse out of Nixon's skull.
Next question?
posted by Floydd at 7:44 AM on December 21, 2006

I meant Hitler's skull, of course.
Nixon's skull would be too creepy.
posted by Floydd at 7:45 AM on December 21, 2006

Flight or invisiblity?
posted by heresiarch at 7:49 AM on December 21, 2006

Nixon's skull would be too creepy.

Oh, my kindom for the image tag.
posted by ninjew at 7:49 AM on December 21, 2006

This New York Times, it's a real newspaper, no? Not satire, like The Onion?

Come on. This article is in the "Wedding and Celebrations" portion of the "Style" section.
posted by Flunkie at 7:53 AM on December 21, 2006

71.) Do you feel a "safe word" is really necessary?

71a.) Do you trust that I'll be able to revive you in time?

72.) Do you like the song, "Goodbye Horses" by Q Lazzarus?
posted by hojoki at 8:37 AM on December 21, 2006 [1 favorite has favorites]

Target Practice writes "Am I allowed to marry a person of this gender in this state?"

You don't have a location listed in your profile so I'm not sure which state your in but you could in Canada, Americans don't even need a visa (but you'll need a passport if you fly after January 23rd).
posted by Mitheral at 9:44 AM on December 21, 2006

I think this question should be thought about at the beginning and also the end:

Number 0 -- Many people expect that things will change once they're married. Do you expect that anything will change? If so, what? If an expected change doesn't happen, how can we deal with the disappointment?

And for men, a very important corollary -- Many women have sex before marriage to thumb their noses at parental prohibitions. Without this motivation, some lose interest. What agreement can we make that you will remain willing to have regular sexual relations? You may always say "no, not now" for any reason, or no reason, but "no, not ever" is not acceptable to me.
posted by KRS at 11:57 AM on December 21, 2006

73) One shot one kill, waltz, or rock and roll?
74) On what side of the ice is hockey played on?
75) Truth is as important/less important/more important than importance?
76) Hear ye not the hum, Of mighty workings?
77) When you go up to the mountain too often, you will eventually encounter the tiger, but when the tiger comes down from the mountain to the plains, it is bullied by the dogs - respond.
posted by Smedleyman at 12:54 PM on December 21, 2006

(I’m with aeschenkarnos on the horse thing. Evil may occur incidentally to an act of good, but choosing deliberately to do evil - in the name of good - is the path of all tyrants.)
posted by Smedleyman at 12:55 PM on December 21, 2006

*) Do you read, at a bare minimum, 12 books a year?
*+1) Are you willing to share interests that I have purely because I have them, supposing that I do the same?
*+2) Evaluate the following statement: "Every person has unconscious beliefs that are shaped by their genetic and cultural background. Those beliefs are properly labelled 'prejudices,' and should be, at least, exposed for possible critical revision."
posted by Kwine at 3:14 PM on December 21, 2006

Many women have sex before marriage to thumb their noses at parental prohibitions.

Wha? Oh, of course, I forgot, many women find absolutely no pleasure in sex outside the tittilating factor of taboo. We must have skipped that in sex ed.
posted by muddgirl at 4:32 PM on December 21, 2006

Oh man, I agree that this should be the number one question:

1) Have we discussed whether or not to have children, and if the answer is yes, who is going to be the primary care giver?

Follow-up being: What are we going to do if after a certain period of time one party, oh, CHANGES HIS MIND.

This follow-up has been an ongoing crisis in my own marriage and I wouldn't wish it on anyone.
posted by grapefruitmoon at 10:23 PM on December 21, 2006

Where's "why are we doing this? Why screw up a good thing?"
posted by Twang at 10:32 PM on December 21, 2006

Spanky, or Toto?
posted by Twang at 10:35 PM on December 21, 2006

The second most critical question in my marriage has definitely been Lennon/McCartney. No lie.

For a while, in high school, I claimed that I had accepted John Lennon as my personal Lord and Savior as he was shot down for our sins. Now, while my views have softened a little (I could also reasonably accept Jimi Hendrix as the messiah), I will not bend where favorite Beatle is concerned.

The only favorite my husband has ever been totally sure of - more sure than his favorite color - is that his favorite Beatle is Paul.

Third most critical question: What color will we paint the bedroom?

Other notables: Whole or 2%? What do you want for dinner? No, I said I was fine with whatever you wanted, what do YOU want for dinner? Do you like these orange pants?

(My answers: Magician - I don't understand relativity and I like bunnies, Horse - though doing so would make me cry like a baby, Tortoise - I really like turtles and no amount of money would make it worth it to me to live with Hitler's skull, I've spent way too much time reading about the fucker.)
posted by grapefruitmoon at 10:42 PM on December 21, 2006

Well hell, since we are still doing this:

212.) Which weighs more, the Great Pyramid at Giza, or the Sears Tower?

213.) Evil Dead 2 or Army of Darkness?

214.) Bruce Campbell or Kurt Russell?

215.) Melinda Clarke or Julie Strain?

216.) Semi-automatic or revolver [with an important follow-up: Glock or H&K (a deal breaker)]

and most importantly;

217.) How do you feel about cats? Lots of cats. Like, dozens of the little critters underfoot?

Yeah, answer me that.
posted by quin at 10:54 PM on December 21, 2006

1. Magician.

2. I can't hurt the horse. I just don't have it in me. Not even if I knew the world would despise me forever (would they even know I had been presented this choice?).

3. Hitler. Frankly I don't do too well with non-mammal pets, so it would be cruel to the turtle to even try. I'd probably put the skull on a shelf with other ordinary things, to make it seem not so special. I'd think about it for awhile, then forget it. I think forgetting about it is sort of poetic.
posted by beth at 11:07 PM on December 21, 2006

Ginger or Mary Ann?
posted by JanetLand at 6:17 AM on December 22, 2006

“Oh, of course, I forgot, many women find absolutely no pleasure in sex outside the tittilating factor of taboo”

Well, if we’re ignoring the clitoris anyway....


“Which weighs more, the Great Pyramid at Giza, or the Sears Tower?”

Tower.

213.) Evil Dead 2 or Army of Darkness?
Army of Darkness has more film so it’d weigh more.

214.) Bruce Campbell or Kurt Russell?
Kurt Russell has been beefing up.

215.) Melinda Clarke or Julie Strain?
Julie Strain should lay off the cheesecake.

216.) Semi-automatic or revolver [with an important follow-up: Glock or H&K (a deal breaker)]
I respect this question too much to ridicule it with the ‘weight’ thing.

also - huh huh huh...cats. Two maybe.

“Ginger or Mary Ann?”

Why does this have to be an “or” question?
posted by Smedleyman at 2:04 PM on December 22, 2006

I'd have no problem with having Hitler's skull, as a) I am an admirer of skulls and b) it's final proof that he met his fate and isn't having his head grafted to a cyborg body somewhere in South America in order to lead his legions of undead Nazi minions.

And, re: the Lennon/McCartney question: Ringo, without a doubt or a moment's hesitation.
posted by lekvar at 2:37 PM on December 22, 2006

213.) Evil Dead 2 or Army of Darkness?
Army of Darkness has more film so it’d weigh more.

But ED2's filmstock was made out dark matter, each pound of which weighs more than 10,000 pounds, doncha know.

“Which weighs more, the Great Pyramid at Giza, or the Sears Tower?”

Tower.

I'm sorry sir, that is incorrect. I guess I won't marry you after all.
posted by quin at 5:03 PM on December 22, 2006

I just might take the skull, and set up the display with a small label, "Hitler's skull"... next to a smaller skull, with the small label, "Hitler's skull when he was a boy". Now that's apolitical...
posted by DataPacRat at 9:20 AM on December 24, 2006

1) Magician
2) I guess I'd kill the horse, though Smedleyman makes a point worth considering.
3) Turtle, hands down. Turtles are awesome.

212.) Which weighs more, the Great Pyramid at Giza, or the Sears Tower?
Tower

... (skipping things I have no answer to and don't care about)

216.) Semi-automatic or revolver [with an important follow-up: Glock or H&K (a deal breaker)]
Semi-auto, H&K

217.) How do you feel about cats? Lots of cats. Like, dozens of the little critters underfoot?
Cats are awesome
posted by !Jim at 10:45 PM on December 24, 2006

!Jim : Tower

Nope. Not gonna marry you either.
posted by quin at 4:22 PM on December 25, 2006