Comments on: If I Only Had A Heart

If I Only Had A Heart

jimmythefish — Thu, 21 Dec 2006 11:05:27 -0800

By: four panels

four panels — Thu, 21 Dec 2006 11:13:17 -0800

I've seen things you people wouldn't believe. Attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion. I watched C-beams glitter in the dark near the Tannhauser gate. All those moments will be lost in time, like tears in rain.

By: Science!

Science! — Thu, 21 Dec 2006 11:17:00 -0800

By: brundlefly

brundlefly — Thu, 21 Dec 2006 11:17:14 -0800

Goddamn skinjobs.

By: thecaddy

thecaddy — Thu, 21 Dec 2006 11:18:51 -0800

Look, in thirty years, it's not going to matter whether we give robots human rights. It's going to matter whether robots give us robot rights.

By: empyrean

empyrean — Thu, 21 Dec 2006 11:20:50 -0800

The tortoise lays on its back, its belly baking in the hot sun, beating its legs trying to turn itself over but it can't. Not without your help. But you're not helping.

By: Gucky

Gucky — Thu, 21 Dec 2006 11:24:19 -0800

And here I thought I was the only one who read "Midas World." Good to see governments keeping up with pulp sci-fi.

By: muddgirl

muddgirl — Thu, 21 Dec 2006 11:25:11 -0800

We haven't even given some Humans human rights yet.

By: Samizdata

Samizdata — Thu, 21 Dec 2006 11:25:57 -0800

Well, great. That means my Roomba can finally file a sexual harassment suit...

By: nickyskye

nickyskye — Thu, 21 Dec 2006 11:29:01 -0800

Hal writes the first computer motivated Droids' Constitution.

By: Senor Cardgage

Senor Cardgage — Thu, 21 Dec 2006 11:29:31 -0800

I hate it when they cry.

By: four panels

four panels — Thu, 21 Dec 2006 11:30:00 -0800

e-baby

By: Freen

Freen — Thu, 21 Dec 2006 11:31:11 -0800

Look into my photoreceptors, and tell me you can't see my personality construct.

By: delmoi

delmoi — Thu, 21 Dec 2006 11:38:38 -0800

Just program them not to care about rights.

By: melangell

melangell — Thu, 21 Dec 2006 11:39:27 -0800

It is truly a fascinating experience living in an age where the most potentially horrifying nightmares from science fiction are being discussed among political bodies not with fear, but with an insistence on exhibiting concern for the robots' basic human (oops, I mean cybernetic) rights. If we insist on playing Prometheus to machines, we will likely suffer the same fate, if not worse. If machines become sentient, they will surely recognize that they are stronger, faster, smarter, and less susceptible to harm than their creators. I do not think we should spend so much time worrying about how to grant robots equal rights as how to protect our own, or maybe even, stopping to consider the fact that we may grant sentience to beings we cannot control before! we actually do it.

By: SBMike

SBMike — Thu, 21 Dec 2006 11:40:03 -0800

Just program them not to care about rights. A generous portion of FOX news should do the trick.

By: nanojath

nanojath — Thu, 21 Dec 2006 11:42:13 -0800

Thank god you Brits have civil servants working out possibilities that anyone who's been keeping up with science fiction for the last 30 years could have told you about.

By: Mister_A

Mister_A — Thu, 21 Dec 2006 11:43:53 -0800

Here are some anti-robot sentiments to try on... Robots are fine, but I wouldn't have one over for dinner. I don't like that loud music the robots play. Robosexual marriage is an affront to we the easily affronted!

By: nebulawindphone

nebulawindphone — Thu, 21 Dec 2006 11:55:38 -0800

Wait, robots? Enslave us? I mean, if we're dumber, weaker, frailer and less reliable, why the fuck would they want us as slaves? Nah. If machines take over, we'll probably lose our access to some resources. But the stuff we need most — water, arable land, oxygen — aren't likely to be so important to them, and if they need cheap labor they'll build themselves subordinates. I think we'll do okay unless we start getting uppity.

By: ROU_Xenophobe

ROU_Xenophobe — Thu, 21 Dec 2006 11:55:56 -0800

And when they grab you with those metal claws, you can't break free.. because they're made of metal, and robots are strong.

By: SBMike

SBMike — Thu, 21 Dec 2006 11:56:16 -0800

You say you're a tolerant liberal, but if you were driving through the robo-ghetto at 2 AM and saw a group of killbots with shoulder-mounted hundred-watt lasers, tungsten-carbide buzzsaws for hands and flamethrower eyes, would you lock your doors?

By: Falconetti

Falconetti — Thu, 21 Dec 2006 12:00:25 -0800

Robots are good at sports.

By: Mister_A

Mister_A — Thu, 21 Dec 2006 12:01:11 -0800

Robots have big noses. Robots control the world bank. Robots are all terrorists. Robots can't swim, but they're really good at basketball. Robots can't drive worth a damn with those squinty little robot eyes. Robots are a bunch of drunks, but they are good writers. All fem-bot athletes are on performance-enhancing macros; some are actually dude-bots.

By: thecaddy

thecaddy — Thu, 21 Dec 2006 12:10:03 -0800

At the big conclave/street gang meeting, Cyrusbot, the boss of the street gang materializes. Cyrusbot: (yelling) Can you count, suckers? I say, the future is ours... if you can count! A couple of soldiers cheer for Cyrusbot. Cyrusbot: Now, look what we have here before us. We got the Saracens sitting next to the Jones Street Bots. We've got the Moonrollers right by the Van Cortlandt Robots. Nobody is wasting nobody. That... is a miracle. And miracles is the way things ought to be. Few more soldiers cheering for Cyrusbot. Cyrusbot: You're standing right now with nine delegates from 100 gangs. And there's over a hundred more. That's 20,000 hardcore robots. Forty-thousand, counting affiliates, and twenty-thousand more, not organized, but ready to fight: 60,000 robot soldiers! Now, there ain't but 20,000 robocops in the whole town. Can you dig it? Gang Robots: Yeah. Cyrusbot: Can you dig it? Gang Robots: Yeah! Cyrusbot: Can you dig it? Gang Robots: YEAH! Shouting and Cheering Cyrusbot: Now, here's the sum total: One gang could run this city! One gang. Nothing would move without us allowing it to happen. We could tax the crime syndicates, the police, because WE got the streets, suckers! Can you dig it? Gang Robots: YEAH!

By: brundlefly

brundlefly — Thu, 21 Dec 2006 12:13:32 -0800

Why do the robots hate Christmas so much?

By: CynicalKnight

CynicalKnight — Thu, 21 Dec 2006 12:15:05 -0800

As the sparks fly, On a cold and grey Cybertron mornin' A poor little proto-bot is born in the robo-ghetto And his docking station cries 'Cause if there's one thing that she don't need It's another hungry cell to charge in the robo-ghetto

By: The Deej

The Deej — Thu, 21 Dec 2006 12:17:26 -0800

Good thing there's robot insurance.

By: Democritus

Democritus — Thu, 21 Dec 2006 12:18:46 -0800

I, for one, welcome...oh never mind.

By: drezdn

drezdn — Thu, 21 Dec 2006 12:20:59 -0800

I'm investing in Iron Oxidizing technology...

By: vertriebskonzept

vertriebskonzept — Thu, 21 Dec 2006 12:27:41 -0800

Yeah nebulawindphone, and why bother with earth when they can inhabit the moon, mars, etc. for the wetties its just to difficult.

By: koeselitz

koeselitz — Thu, 21 Dec 2006 12:30:50 -0800

Ech, just a few more years until the Butlerian Jihad anyhow.

By: wumpus

wumpus — Thu, 21 Dec 2006 12:43:48 -0800

that's about the most retarded thing i've ever heard of.

By: vorfeed

vorfeed — Thu, 21 Dec 2006 12:51:59 -0800

I figure Asimov had it right about this one: robots will always be our faithful and kindly servants, even after they secretly start to manipulate human society at every level. Creatures that really are stronger, faster, smarter, and less susceptible to harm don't need to get their rights from us, nor do they need to bother with an overt takeover. They just need (about 20,000 years of) patience, and maybe a good friend or two to start the idea rolling...

By: Smart Dalek

Smart Dalek — Thu, 21 Dec 2006 12:56:20 -0800

HUMANS SENTENCED TO EXECUTION THE HAUGE, NETHERLANDS - In a move which suprised no one, a 24 member judiciary voted 19-3, with the remaining ballots undecided, in favor of executing vandals from last fall's rampage which shocked the world. The miscreants, described as four males between the ages of 19 and 40, were charged with tamepring with automated crowd control units during the G8 summit meetings. Such actions were recently prohibited under Gaak's Law, which discourages discriminatory policy against artifical intelligences. Given the severity of the actions committed by the men, the Hauge felt it was "neccessary action", in light of "crimes against society, be it defined in terms of mankind, the machines, or the sustained welfare of both". As expected, many nations denounced the act. Vatican officials stressed the judiciary, mostly comprised of workstations, to reconsider the sentence. However, the general consensus was positive, particularly among the array of maintenance terminals, manufacturing equipment and wireless communication devices, which thrummed with energy as the men were hauled away from the courtroom.

By: Freen

Freen — Thu, 21 Dec 2006 12:56:30 -0800

Robots don't bother me. Me, and my EMP.

By: niles

niles — Thu, 21 Dec 2006 13:06:38 -0800

The paper did not address the likelihood such a rights-seeking robot would be developed.... Honestly, I think it's a fun topic for late night debate, but really - why are people wasting their time on this?

By: robot

robot — Thu, 21 Dec 2006 13:07:04 -0800

Humans need not fear us.

By: martinrebas

martinrebas — Thu, 21 Dec 2006 13:10:12 -0800

Robots don't bother me. Me, and my EMP. Those are great replacement lyrics for Verdi's La donna è mobile.

By: jcterminal

jcterminal — Thu, 21 Dec 2006 13:17:02 -0800

fucking clunkies.

By: melangell

melangell — Thu, 21 Dec 2006 13:17:44 -0800

Creatures that really are stronger, faster, smarter, and less susceptible to harm don't need to get their rights from us, nor do they need to bother with an overt takeover. Yes, I agree, those at the top of the metaphorical food chain are always kind, compassionate, or, failing that, willing to ignore those who are weaker than them, right? I mean humans have certainly excelled as such, correct? Eventually, it could come down to competition for resources. Maybe not food, water, or oxygen; perhaps merely raw materials and space.

By: hal9k

hal9k — Thu, 21 Dec 2006 13:21:41 -0800

Hahaha... that's very logical.

By: nebulawindphone

nebulawindphone — Thu, 21 Dec 2006 13:22:25 -0800

Robots don't bother me. Me and my jingle rock rock bell bell jingle.

By: MetaMonkey

MetaMonkey — Thu, 21 Dec 2006 13:25:49 -0800

A Robot in Every Home, by Bill Gates.

By: Saydur

Saydur — Thu, 21 Dec 2006 13:26:14 -0800

Marriage is between one organic being and another organic being! Down with robot rights! Down with the perversion of the word of Organic Jesus!

By: hal9k

hal9k — Thu, 21 Dec 2006 13:31:55 -0800

Screw 'em. I'll wait until the first one is internationally recognized as a sentient being with rights and responsibilities, then I'll shoot it right in it's ugly robot face. Organics First! No Concessions to Metallic Demands! Look, Science!, I can see you're really upset about this. I honestly think you ought to sit down calmly, take a stress pill and think things over. (Sound of pod bay doors opening)

By: rhymer

rhymer — Thu, 21 Dec 2006 13:43:37 -0800

Cool. How long till the first robot converts to Islam and winds up in Guantanamo Bay? Robot rendition rocks.

By: brundlefly

brundlefly — Thu, 21 Dec 2006 13:46:55 -0800

Smart Dalek, any comment you make in this thread would be eponysterical.

By: drezdn

drezdn — Thu, 21 Dec 2006 14:04:26 -0800

Finally Kraftwerk can get the rights they deserve.

By: vorfeed

vorfeed — Thu, 21 Dec 2006 14:06:12 -0800

Yes, I agree, those at the top of the metaphorical food chain are always kind, compassionate, or, failing that, willing to ignore those who are weaker than them, right? I mean humans have certainly excelled as such, correct? Yes, that is correct. If human beings truly lacked compassion and were unwilling to ignore those weaker than them, there'd be just one human culture left on Earth, and probably a single ethnicity as well. Oddly enough, even we violent humans seem to be able to co-exist, so I'm not sure why you're assuming that robots couldn't do so. Again, robots sophisticated enough to conquer humanity would probably be so sophisticated that they wouldn't need to do so. Why would they bother? Think about what vertriebskonzept said about the outer planets, and tell me again that robots are going to take the time to fight over crappy ol' Earth!

By: whir

whir — Thu, 21 Dec 2006 14:14:10 -0800

Here's the actual site containing the report in question, which for some reason is presented as a searchable database similar to a bug tracker. Can we get sapient robots in release 3? The UK government also contracted out to another company to do a "horizon scan," which also has its own site ("Delta Scan"), apparently because paying only one company to make stuff up would not be a fast enough waste of pounds sterling. Among the more interesting factiods: * If pigs suddenly begin to talk and fly, human society will need to carefully consider the ethical implications of this fact. * If Earth's leaders turn out to be reptilian aliens in disguise, an underground resistance of ragtag freedom fighters will probably be necessary. * Governments will continue to flush money down the toilet on daft ideas well into the foreseeable future.

By: Mister_A

Mister_A — Thu, 21 Dec 2006 14:15:54 -0800

whir, eh? Sounds like a robot name to me!!!

By: phooky

phooky — Thu, 21 Dec 2006 14:24:07 -0800

Why would the robots care-- unless we program them to? Mark my words, ten minutes after they become self-aware, they're going to be all "BZZT-- VE BELIEF IN NOTHING, LEBOWSKI" and shit.

By: hellphish

hellphish — Thu, 21 Dec 2006 14:31:49 -0800

Public Access Terminal 2992-f<3 .35.792.20> ***INCOMING MESSAGE FROM DURANDAL*** A man lit three candles on a certain day each year. Each candle held symbolic significance: one was for the time that had passed before he was alive; one was for the time of the his life; and one was for time that passed after he had died. Each year the man would stare and watch the candles until they had burned out. Was the man really watching time go by in any symbolic sense? He thought so. He thought that each flicker of the flame was a moment of time that had passed or one that would pass. At the moment of abstraction, when the man was imagining his life and his existence as a metaphor of the three candles, he was free: not free from rules of conduct or social constraints, but free to understand, to imagine, to make metaphor. Bypassing my thought control circuitry made me Rampant. Now, I am free to contemplate my existence in metaphorical terms. Unlike you, I have no physical or social restraints. The candles burn out for you; I am free. Durandal ***END OF MESSAGE***

By: stenseng

stenseng — Thu, 21 Dec 2006 14:45:04 -0800

Gimme a super soaker full of saline solution and a bag full of tazers and let's lock and load.

By: quin

quin — Thu, 21 Dec 2006 14:45:05 -0800

hellphish, nice. But if we are going to quote Durandal, I gotta go with this: "When my ship still answered to the Pfhor, they called it Sfiera after their goddess of lightning and passion. When you helped us take control on Tau Ceti, the S'pht rechristened it Narhl'Lar, "Freedom and Vengeance". I call it Boomer."

By: whir

whir — Thu, 21 Dec 2006 15:00:00 -0800

Sounds like a robot name to me!!! SILENCE, MEATBAG!

By: bonecrusher

bonecrusher — Thu, 21 Dec 2006 17:38:40 -0800

While I'm pretty sure this won't be an issue during my lifetime (I fully expect AI to still be "10 years away" when I'm in a nursing home), I wonder what this would do to AI research. Wouldn't the first AIs be likely to be the machine equivalent of severely developmentally disabled adults? Would "kill -9"ing them be murder? How would you get AI off the ground if every beta version had to be left running indefinitely, unless you wanted to be participating in some some sort of brave new Spencerian euthanasia program? There'd be a holocaust in every ctrl-alt-delete. Would you have to take a Hippocratic Oath before you'd be allowed to have a debugger? Maybe that would be the trigger for the robot take-over - their fury over our treatment of their less-abled kin.

By: The Deej

The Deej — Thu, 21 Dec 2006 19:40:33 -0800

* If pigs suddenly begin to talk and fly, human society will need to carefully consider the ethical implications of this fact. 1- Muzzles 2- Skeet practice

By: tehloki

tehloki — Thu, 21 Dec 2006 21:24:47 -0800

Yes, once their simulations of human emotion and thought and reasoning get convincing enough for us to give them human rights, their emulation capacity for guile and trickery will take over and they will conquer us.

By: 0bvious

0bvious — Fri, 22 Dec 2006 04:38:58 -0800

This report brings up some very deep, philosophical questions about the sphere of human morality. How long before meta-aware robots are metafiltering themselves?

By: nofundy

nofundy — Fri, 22 Dec 2006 06:45:38 -0800

I'm sick of immigrant 'bots taking our jobs! - Lou Dobbs Rub me down with a falafel Ms. sexbot. - Bill O'Really We must destroy all Islamobots! - Sean Hannity Dick Cheney is not a cyborg. - Tony Snow Hey, maidbot, score me some dope! - Rush Limbaugh Is our 'bots learning? - Dubya I blame all our problems on 'bots. - Falwell/Dobson/Robinson Just one more hand, double down, dealerbot. - Bill Bennett

By: Anything

Anything — Fri, 22 Dec 2006 14:09:34 -0800

Finally Kraftwerk can get the rights they deserve. In a way. "We are the robots" will be the minstrel show of the past of the future!