Jesus read from the red part of the bible

January 29, 2007 11:51 PM

The KJV Bible Top 500 is a listing where you are guaranteed to find the best in Fundamental Christian Sites. However if you are undecided on what to pick first, then try the Good Report where two home schooled brothers, Joshua and Caleb, "like the Joshua and Caleb of the Bible," give you a good report from God's Word such as "Evolution isn't even logical." Oh, don't forget to crank up your speakers to listen to the streaming audio brought to you by "Teens 4 Christ."
posted by Hands of Manos (40 comments total)

What a great post. I'm sure it will remain undeleted for a whole 45 minutes.
posted by Rhomboid at 12:11 AM on January 30, 2007

Less talk. More Christian rock. On your blog.
posted by chasing at 12:14 AM on January 30, 2007

Yeesh, how about a sound warning on that third link.
posted by maryh at 12:32 AM on January 30, 2007

Yay! Let's state the obvious, bait some Christians, and then throw them in a cockfighting pit with some atheists! Because we don't do that enough on Metafilter!

I got $40 on amberglow to win it all! Surest money on this whole mother-lovin' site!
posted by dw at 12:34 AM on January 30, 2007

The biggest problem I face when sticking up for religious people against the Atheist Horde is when they make complete asses of themselves.
Which for Christians is, admittedly, pretty often.
posted by nightchrome at 12:41 AM on January 30, 2007

LOL XIANS
posted by oncogenesis at 12:42 AM on January 30, 2007 [1 favorite]

That last link sends Safari into a brutal tailspin. Bad linkage.
posted by maryh at 12:43 AM on January 30, 2007

The "Evolution Isn't Even Logical" link just killed me inside. It is not because it is founded in religion, but because the science they quote is downright wrong. Seeing people falsifying science to prove religion makes me a sad panda.
posted by mervin_shnegwood at 12:57 AM on January 30, 2007

This is me butt-nekkid and sitting in your lap discussing the various forms of Biblical Knowledge as described in the Bible.

We can start with A > Animals > Ass.
posted by loquacious at 12:59 AM on January 30, 2007

I believe your FPP is the result of an explosion in a deleted post factory.
posted by mullacc at 1:03 AM on January 30, 2007

Why is the Metafilter cabal scared of posts like this?

Surely radical Christianity is the biggest real issue in the contemporary US? From my outsider's perspective it seems to be the driver behind the US's unique approach to those other two issues of the day: global warming and our response to radical Islam.
posted by mr. strange at 1:07 AM on January 30, 2007

When it comes to fiction, I prefer comic books.
posted by RayOrama at 1:08 AM on January 30, 2007

Why is the Metafilter cabal scaredbored right out of our fucking skills ofby devisive, argument-baiting craptastic opinion-editorial flame-trolling posts like this?

There, fixed that right up for you.

There is no cabal. And the loudspeaker spoke up and said "Christianity is stupid. Communism is good. Christianity is stupid."

posted by loquacious at 1:18 AM on January 30, 2007

Religions are the botnets of meatspace.
posted by mullingitover at 1:33 AM on January 30, 2007 [7 favorites]

Please don't tell me that they're letting Christ on the internet. Please.

Please. Don't. Thanks.
posted by item at 1:35 AM on January 30, 2007

Why is the Metafilter cabal scared of posts like this?

It's not. It's bored of posts like this. And personally, as an atheist, if I have to hear the "sky-wizard" or "Santa Claus" arguments against Christianity one more time, I'm running off to my local church for a bit of a singalong and a cup of tea. With biscuits.
posted by Jon Mitchell at 1:37 AM on January 30, 2007 [1 favorite]

Or: What Loquacious Said.
posted by Jon Mitchell at 1:38 AM on January 30, 2007

Much as a generally respect MeFites, as a group, sometimes y'all are a bunch of totally dumb shits.

These aren't Christians. These are ZOMBIES! Reading the comments here, I think they've already eaten your brains.
posted by Goofyy at 1:50 AM on January 30, 2007

Why is the Metafilter cabal bored right out of our fucking skills by devisive, argument-baiting craptastic opinion-editorial flame-trolling posts like this?

Because it is the charge of educated people to remind the world that these people are fucking lunatics.

Not every day, naturally. I figure once every two or three months is healthy. It is our burden to bear, like a cross.
posted by Civil_Disobedient at 2:16 AM on January 30, 2007

How I love the King James Bible, despite having been brought up on a different version. It contains so much of the finest of the English language, and set patterns that remain fundamental to the best prosody.
posted by Abiezer at 2:33 AM on January 30, 2007

Don't get the science angle. Religion isn't about proving anything.*

* If you have to have proof, you might want to work on your faith.
posted by maxwelton at 2:35 AM on January 30, 2007

loquacious You are bored by the great issues of the day?? I think that might be your problem right there. ('You' in the personal sense, and in the wider sense of your whole society.)
posted by mr. strange at 2:43 AM on January 30, 2007

While the endless Dawkins filter is annoying, I always enjoy a looking into the inner world of the Fundies and even though this posts intent may have been to mock, it doesnt necessarily have to be read in that way.

Plus at the Joshua and Caleb site I learned this good news.

"The Bible clearly teaches us that there will be no atheists in Hell. All those who reject God while they are living will bow to Him at the coming Judgment Day."

Guess I can just continue my infidel ways, ride out the rapture then rock out in heaven with all my friends.
posted by afu at 2:49 AM on January 30, 2007 [1 favorite]

Well hey, bad timing! If my sister weren't so busy preparing her son for his first semester at Bob Jones University, I'm sure she'd be very interested in this.
(Me? Not so much.)
posted by miss lynnster at 3:01 AM on January 30, 2007

A Christian institution gets the initials BJU. Irony can be so amusing.
posted by dgbellak at 3:44 AM on January 30, 2007

The rivalry between BJU and Oral Roberts University is one of the fiercest in all of sports.
posted by Otis at 5:36 AM on January 30, 2007

Watching Jesus Camp, I learned that 75% of home schooled children are Evangelical.

Suburban dread, suburban dread, keep the dirty science out of baby's head.
posted by four panels at 5:51 AM on January 30, 2007

dgbellak writes "A Christian institution gets the initials BJU. Irony can be so amusing."

Repressed Christian boys give the best blowjobs.

But then they cry after. Ugh.
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 5:53 AM on January 30, 2007 [1 favorite]

Otis: Does Liberty University figure in there anywhere? Also, I've wondered from time to time if Catholic schools other than ND and Marquette have any kind of rivalry going on -- the only reason I'm aware of that one is that I lived in Milwaukee right by MU campus.

I used to get depressed and exasperated by all the Xtianity-hatin' going on here in the blue until I reflected awhile on the notion that bigots come in lots of flavors -- some are merely more widely read than others.
posted by pax digita at 5:54 AM on January 30, 2007

You are bored by the great issues of the day?

The "great issues of the day"!? The great issues of the day are the superstitious beliefs of an undereducated overclass? What, did you solve Riemann's Hypothesis or something? Solve Pi? You cured Cancer?

Some people may find "the great issues of the day" intellectually, morally or ethically challenging but the rest of us are bored and we've been bored for decades and even hundreds of years.

Hey, Christians and other religious zealots? While you're busy running around with a wicked case of OCD and rearranging piles of rocks to the Order of God's Whim and whatever other batshit luminous visions inside your head, the rest of us are getting motherfucking impatient.

If you weren't so busy squandering all those precious resources - for the last 8,000 years or so - fighting war after war arguing over exactly whose invisible bearded dude (or dudette) is the real invisible bearded dude (or dudette), we might actually be somewhere a little farther along than merely the dawn of the information age.

Listen, Christians. Your petty fighting, fear of the scientific truth and your illogical superstitions have been slowing down society for centuries. The wars you've waged in the name of your so-called God have killed billions and squandered uncountable natural resources and laid waste to entire ecosystems.

Meanwhile, there's actually giant fucking rocks whizzing around above our heads in open space, any number of which could wipe all of us out like a bug stain on the cosmic windshield. Rocks which we could, you know, go and move out of the way if they came at us, thereby saving our asses.

But we probably won't be able to, because we're too busy fighting each other and far too concerned with who is sticking what in whom, even though they have nothing to do with you and you're technically spying on them in their bedroom like a bunch of little giggling kids.

And you wonder why atheists are impatient with you. You wonder why they roll their eyes and express their exasperation. It's becase it's motherfucking irritating having to hold your tongue every 15 minutes because of someone's superstitious beliefs which happen to run counter to science and logic.

Yeah, we're irritated. You think you're irritated? Trying being an agnostic or aetheist in the jingoistic, religious world you've managed to build.

Great issues of the day!? Goddamn. Next you'll be trying to tell me Christianity is the Religion of Peace.
posted by loquacious at 6:00 AM on January 30, 2007 [16 favorites]

Otis: Does Liberty University figure in there anywhere?

Liberty plays in the Big South conference and Oral Roberts plays in the Mid-Continent conference. Looks like they do play each other, but I have no idea if there is any sort of 'rivalry' there.

BJU doesn't actually have any sports teams. (I was making a joke.)
posted by Otis at 6:21 AM on January 30, 2007

loquacious writes "Great issues of the day!? Goddamn. Next you'll be trying to tell me Christianity is the Religion of Peace."

Well, it is, if you actually follow the teachings of Jesus.
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 6:31 AM on January 30, 2007

Loquacious, I'm not an expert in the field, but I'm pretty sure Christians have not been squandering precious resources for 8000 years. Similarly, I'm betting that the statement that "billions" have died in wars waged in the name of ANY god is not much more sound as anything Caleb and Joshua have to say. (And we've got a pretty good handle on the Near Earth Orbit Object thing - I think it's 11 years before you have anything to worry about, unless of course it's hyperbolic, and they you're screwed anyway.)

The problem with this kind of post is that there is no significant subset of the population out there for which I can't find you a double handful of crimes against HTMLanity coded by people whose connection to reality is tenuous at best. That there are a lot of English speaking Christians with web access makes them an easy target, but I'm sure with a little digging I could find a similar population of wackos in any professional or hobby group you'd care to mention. I do historic re-enactment and have met my share of nuts. I have a friend who does amateur astronomy and he has met his share of nuts. I'm sure if I did any serious research on the subject (or spent 10 minutes with Google) I could find the borderline psychotic model railroad aficionado with a web site that makes the Microsoft Frontpage templates look good.

If you're worried about matching the data, you're going to have to admit that mankind's penchant for self-righteous rhetoric is far more powerful than ANY religion.
posted by Kid Charlemagne at 6:35 AM on January 30, 2007

"Well, it is, if you actually follow the teachings of Jesus."

Oh yeah, like he could actually get his apostles to do that WHILE HE WAS STANDING RIGHT THERE!
posted by Kid Charlemagne at 6:39 AM on January 30, 2007

Somewhat missing the point there, Kid Charlemagne.
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 6:51 AM on January 30, 2007

If you're worried about matching the data, you're going to have to admit that mankind's penchant for self-righteous rhetoric is far more powerful than ANY religion.

Yeah, but if someone is, say, a re-enactment nutjob: He (or she) is probably not going to force my kids to do re-enactments or start a war against the non-re-enacters.

To minimize the societal danger of radical fundamental Christians (especially in what was founded as a secular country) is disingenuous.
posted by Benny Andajetz at 7:05 AM on January 30, 2007

the societal danger of radical fundamental Christians

Ah come on, it's just personal no? Calling the old mefi Christian troll and bash routine a noble defense of society is sounding more like rationalization every time. Christians are just stoopid, right?
posted by scheptech at 7:21 AM on January 30, 2007

Christians are just stoopid, right?

No, not at all. That's exactly why these discussions devolve so quickly. I didn't mean that, I don't believe it, and I didn't say that.

And you have to be blind to think that theocratic activities by, and on behalf of fundamentalist Christians are anathema to our secular country. Bonus points if you can distinguish between freedom of religion and state-sponsored religion.
posted by Benny Andajetz at 7:28 AM on January 30, 2007

That's exactly why these discussions devolve so quickly

Well, allow me to offer this evidence or prior art:

it is the charge of educated people to remind the world that these people are fucking lunatics

Suburban dread, suburban dread, keep the dirty science out of baby's head.

Christian boys give the best blowjobs.

arguing over exactly whose invisible bearded dude

posted by scheptech at 7:40 AM on January 30, 2007

I think we're bringing down the Evolution is Just not Logical blog; I noticed a few comment while I composed mine, and by the time I got around to posting, they had invoked comment moderation.

My basic comment was that just because it is not obvious does not mean it's not logical. And I asked them to please stop making posts like that which make Christianity and Christians look ignorant. If there is any assault on Christianity today, it is coming from within our ranks. The threat is ignorance.
posted by Doohickie at 7:49 AM on January 30, 2007