Thief took towels

January 31, 2007 2:56 PM

Breaking News. Read about what has been called the Kennedy assassination of this generation (includes map).
posted by Krrrlson (89 comments total)

holy fucking shit.
posted by PugAchev at 3:01 PM on January 31, 2007

CNN is now reporting a second towel theft - one is a shame, but two seems like it must be a coordinated attack to me.
posted by moift at 3:01 PM on January 31, 2007 [6 favorites]

thank God we have men like Domingo Ramirez Jr. who are not afraid to speak the truth.
posted by quonsar at 3:02 PM on January 31, 2007

I read the article and not once does it mention the Kennedy assassination. Frankly, if you're going to editorialize in your FPP, try to get the facts straight.
posted by lekvar at 3:03 PM on January 31, 2007

Heh. Thanks for the laugh.

"EULESS -- For at least one customer, Tom Bodett probably won't be leaving the light on."

Incidentally, when did all journalism become so...hokey?
posted by inoculatedcities at 3:05 PM on January 31, 2007

Do we have an estimate on the time frame that the towels were missing for, in total?

Any word on what that suspects intentions were? Are these items currently hot commodities on the black market?

Did the motel's security camera feed provide any evidence of an accomplice?

I'm staying fixed on this page for updates.
posted by Milkman Dan at 3:05 PM on January 31, 2007

:)
posted by caddis at 3:05 PM on January 31, 2007

I am not satisfied with this post.
posted by four panels at 3:06 PM on January 31, 2007

Did anyone else notice the triangle in the bottom right corner of the map? All that's missing from that triangle is an inscribed eye. It's clear what hands are at play here.
posted by dmd at 3:06 PM on January 31, 2007

I totally laughed. Good work.
posted by GuyZero at 3:06 PM on January 31, 2007

Wow.... MeFi is going downhill.
posted by randyshepherd at 3:06 PM on January 31, 2007 [3 favorites]

You know, I'll bet this is all some lame "guerrilla" marketing campaign. The media is clearly blowing things out of proportion again.
posted by lekvar at 3:07 PM on January 31, 2007

I keep hitting the refresh button in the hopes of hearing more updates. I never thought I'd say it, but sometimes the speed of the internet is just too slow.
posted by piratebowling at 3:07 PM on January 31, 2007

he was abetted by a second, mystery thief, working from the grassy knoll
posted by caddis at 3:07 PM on January 31, 2007

They didn't go much into the connection on the war on Terror, are they trying to keep it a secret to prevent widespread panic?
posted by blue_beetle at 3:07 PM on January 31, 2007

nevar 4get
posted by ColdChef at 3:08 PM on January 31, 2007

I just want to say that, as a patriotic citizen, should my country decide to call upon me to travel to foreign lands and clandestinely obtain foreign towels I would be willing to make the necessary personal sacrafices to fulfill this duty.

Oh, and make sure those air tickets are first class.
posted by b1tr0t at 3:09 PM on January 31, 2007

Wait a second, TWO? Two?

Was it on purpose?
posted by phrontist at 3:10 PM on January 31, 2007

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       |:::.; ' | .  '|  ====)_/===;===========;()
       |::; | | ; ; | |            # # # #::::::
      /::::.|-| |_|-|, \           # # # #::::::
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    /      N E V A R     \         # # # #::::::
           F O R G E T             # # # # # # #
           I G N I G N O K T /     # # # # # # #
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           T O W E L G A T E       # # # # # # #
           1 / 3 1                 # # # # # # #

posted by Arcaz Ino at 3:11 PM on January 31, 2007 [25 favorites]

The brave martyrs of the Towel Liberation Army will forever be victorious! Allah Minibar!
posted by Jimbob at 3:12 PM on January 31, 2007

Suspect now in a white bronco heading north throwing hand towels out the window.
posted by gfrobe at 3:12 PM on January 31, 2007

When they came for the towels---I wasn't a towel, so I didn't speak out.

When they came for the ashtrays---I wasn't an ashtray, so I didn't speak out.

When they came for me---everyone had checked out, so there was no one left to speak out.

There's a lesson here . . . .
posted by birdhaus at 3:13 PM on January 31, 2007

After the SOTU address, I felt safer. The administration had thwarted other big attacks. How did this one fall under the radar? I didn't see anything in the article about the Terror Alert Level changing, but we must be prepared for it.
posted by eyeballkid at 3:13 PM on January 31, 2007 [1 favorite]

This made me guffaw.
posted by muddgirl at 3:14 PM on January 31, 2007

Oh. I almost forgot: FUCKING LIBERALS.
posted by eyeballkid at 3:14 PM on January 31, 2007 [1 favorite]

Jon Stewart is going to have a field day.
posted by spock at 3:14 PM on January 31, 2007

Haw flag haw.
posted by koeselitz at 3:15 PM on January 31, 2007

*wipes hands back... and to the left*
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 3:16 PM on January 31, 2007

Sadly, due to a similar incident, I am not allowed back into the State of Texas, ever.
posted by R. Mutt at 3:19 PM on January 31, 2007

The Humanity!
posted by ob at 3:20 PM on January 31, 2007

Tenacious D Cum Rag: Everything else is just a cum rag.
posted by ColdChef at 3:20 PM on January 31, 2007

How small does a town have to be for this to make the news? Anybody know where it happened?
posted by jake3456 at 3:21 PM on January 31, 2007

Holiday Inn Towel Amnesty
posted by ColdChef at 3:22 PM on January 31, 2007

Earlier crime waves reported by : By DOMINGO RAMIREZ JR.
Burglar swipes Bible, Mystery surrounds infant tombstone found in Richland Hills.
posted by spock at 3:23 PM on January 31, 2007

I see you fools have all blithely accepted the police line on the theft. But there's no way he could have reached that ashtray from the grass-green Parker Knoll recliner in the room.
Those towels were taken by the CIA to be used in back-channel exchange deals with Osama, who cotton-looped comfort in his cave in Pashtun country.
posted by Abiezer at 3:25 PM on January 31, 2007

Is it too early to affix the metafilterhistory tag to this groundbreaking post?
posted by Greg Nog at 3:26 PM on January 31, 2007

Sometimes, when I read threads that are based on news articles, I email the article's author and send them a link. Because 1. I think they'd find our musings on it to be funny and 2. I would want someone to send me feedback like that.

I sent Mr. Ramirez a link to this thread. Everyone wave at the camera.
posted by ColdChef at 3:26 PM on January 31, 2007 [4 favorites]

Anybody know where it happened?

Apparently, in Euless, Texas. Which means its likely he'll get the death penalty.
posted by R. Mutt at 3:27 PM on January 31, 2007 [1 favorite]

Tessie Hutchinson Wins Lottery!!!
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 3:29 PM on January 31, 2007

Apparently, in Euless, Texas. Which means its likely he'll get the death penalty.

Unless he gets shot in transit by the owner of a local Titty Bar.
posted by ColdChef at 3:29 PM on January 31, 2007

How small does a town have to be for this to make the news?

The town I grew up in was 3,500. Our news wasn't nearly this exciting. We didn't even have a motel 6. If someone went somewhere and stayed at a Motel 6, it would have made the front page.
So, in theory, this town could have a population >3,500.
posted by Green Eyed Monster at 3:30 PM on January 31, 2007

More DOMINGO RAMIREZ JR. goodness:
Man calls 911 after mischief goes awry, Object found in parking lot ID'd as Civil War-era artillery shell, Comic book caper results in a citation, Suspect out of luck, gets stuck in muck.
posted by spock at 3:31 PM on January 31, 2007 [1 favorite]

And who uses towels? Arabs.
posted by Arcaz Ino at 3:32 PM on January 31, 2007 [1 favorite]

A police report did not have the dollar loss in the theft.

I can only imagine what Motel 6 towels fetch on the black market.
posted by Armitage Shanks at 3:32 PM on January 31, 2007

Bravo!
posted by eperker at 3:34 PM on January 31, 2007

I hope to God that President Bush is by now aloft in his Flying Command Post and circling somewhere over Nebraska.
posted by spock at 3:34 PM on January 31, 2007

Evidently there's some speculation that the "towl theft" was actually part of a guerrilla marketing campaign for Comedy Central's new movie, South Park 2: Towlie's War.
posted by brundlefly at 3:36 PM on January 31, 2007

When I first heard about this story, I jabbed pencils in my eyes out of outrage.

After having the story read to me afterwards, I fear that I do not have nearly enough eyes - or pencils - to properly express my shock and horror.
posted by Sticherbeast at 3:36 PM on January 31, 2007 [1 favorite]

If somebody still has the page open in their browser, they need to do a Save As... and mirror it, because dfw is requiring registration on the story now. Clearly they want this story to go dark.
posted by spock at 3:41 PM on January 31, 2007

Nope, just restart your browser. It only asks for reg after you access their site several times in one session.
posted by Krrrlson at 3:43 PM on January 31, 2007

shit post.
posted by Ironmouth at 3:45 PM on January 31, 2007 [1 favorite]

.
posted by Skorgu at 3:50 PM on January 31, 2007

What good is that map? It doesn't even show where the car was parked.
posted by treepour at 3:53 PM on January 31, 2007

I clicked over to the home-page of the paper to see if perhaps it was a joke newspaper? And I discovered that Molly Ivins died. Crap.
posted by wemayfreeze at 3:57 PM on January 31, 2007

Sometimes it isn't the post, it's the comments.
posted by spock at 3:58 PM on January 31, 2007

Euless, Texas
That's a typo. The correct spelling is "Clueless."
posted by kirkaracha at 4:03 PM on January 31, 2007 [1 favorite]

Back, and to the left... back, and to the left... back, and to the left.
posted by nj_subgenius at 4:14 PM on January 31, 2007

[this is cnn]
posted by goetter at 4:19 PM on January 31, 2007 [1 favorite]

I clicked over to the home-page of the paper to see if perhaps it was a joke newspaper? And I discovered that Molly Ivins died. Crap.

Oh dear. That just made this thread very much not funny anymore. That's really sad to me.

.
posted by Brak at 4:21 PM on January 31, 2007

Holy crap, wemayfreeze wasn't kidding.
This isn't fun anymore.
posted by lekvar at 4:29 PM on January 31, 2007

Viral I think.
posted by alteredcarbon at 4:30 PM on January 31, 2007

BP found another article written by the intrepid Domingo Ramirez Jr., his diligent reporting focused on a stolen bible. That's where I found my favorite quote ever.

According to a police report, the word of God is worth about $125 — that includes the leather binder.
posted by Derek at 4:43 PM on January 31, 2007

Was it the Cubans? ....or the Mafia?

AMERICA DEMANDS TO KNOW!
posted by languagehat at 4:55 PM on January 31, 2007

Holy fucking shit--CNN is reporting it's a terrycloth attack--the South Towel has just collapsed and the North Towel is soaking; water droplets are jumping, falling, splattering all over the sidewalk!
posted by fandango_matt at 5:01 PM on January 31, 2007 [5 favorites]

Dear God, people, let that man out. He's got Vogons to escape from!
posted by Malor at 5:06 PM on January 31, 2007 [1 favorite]

fandango_matt: Holy fucking shit--CNN is reporting it's a terrycloth attack--the South Towel has just collapsed and the North Towel is soaking; water droplets are jumping, falling, splattering all over the sidewalk!

Dude- too soon!
posted by hincandenza at 5:07 PM on January 31, 2007

The article conveniently left out the fact that this was an ACCOR hotel. Somewhere, Tom Bodett is weeping.
posted by evilcolonel at 5:23 PM on January 31, 2007

fandango_matt wins.
posted by ericost at 5:28 PM on January 31, 2007

As a D/FW resident, I can only thank God that our local police and media are on top of massive injustices like this.

Where is Homeland Security when you need them?
posted by nonliteral at 5:29 PM on January 31, 2007

I once had the privelege of spending a night in a Euless Texas hotel in 1998. Euless is an unremarkable suburb of Dallas, in the shadow of DFW airport. It is home to Warrantech, the largest administrator of store-brand electronics warranties, as well as the automotive warranties tacked on to lease agreements. I suffered such ignominies there as being dragged to a Dave & Busters, and touring a call center packed to the gills with Chiltons manuals and stressed out former automechanics with clean hands.

I learned two things in Euless: Texans are flexible about what can be considered a lawn. And, if it's noon in Euless and you have a 4pm flight, standstill traffic means you'll never make it to anything worth seeing and back to the airport in time to go home.
posted by putzface_dickman at 5:33 PM on January 31, 2007

I worked in Euless when I lived in Irving.

The number 183 still makes me shudder.
posted by mr_crash_davis at 5:38 PM on January 31, 2007

Sure, an no one is asking about how those ashtrays made it into his car, I suppose you'd have me believe he put them there in some sort of magic ashtray theory or something. If you look at the photos and the video footage, you can clearly see that the pattern they landed in on the seat is inconsistent with a single stealer. So tell me this, why are they covering this up? Who was the second stealer?

Oliver Stone is going to be all over this shit.
posted by quin at 5:40 PM on January 31, 2007

So tell me this, why are they covering this up?

One of those stolen towels was to be used to cover the whole thing up.
posted by flapjax at midnite at 5:53 PM on January 31, 2007

I thought links to The Onion articles were frowned upon here.
posted by UbuRoivas at 6:18 PM on January 31, 2007

If this is crime news in Euless, I'm moving to Euless.
posted by notmydesk at 6:44 PM on January 31, 2007

since when do motels call the police when their towels and ashtrays are stolen? ... since when do the police respond fast enough to apprehend the towel thief in the parking lot? ... since when does the whole story end up in the frigging paper??

i worked for 10 years as a motel desk clerk

this just blows my mind
posted by pyramid termite at 6:46 PM on January 31, 2007

There weren't any police in the parking lot- they couldn't have been there at the time stated. They must have been impostors, planted there to allow the second thief by the grassy knoll time to escape over the triple overpass.
posted by pjern at 7:16 PM on January 31, 2007

They are leading the story on tonight's news with this breaking scoop.
posted by furtive at 7:39 PM on January 31, 2007

Somewhere the editors of The Onion are saying "Fuck! What are we gonna do now???"
posted by soyjoy at 8:15 PM on January 31, 2007

This truely is, the best of the web.
posted by Jerub at 8:26 PM on January 31, 2007

Very sad to hear about Molly Ivans. I guess that does go to show that sometimes it is indeed the comments (as spock pointed out).
posted by treepour at 11:35 PM on January 31, 2007

caddis may have once said:"he was abetted by a second, mystery thief, working from the grassy knoll"

Please! Why can't you people just accept that there was only one theif! It's people like you that are making this country suck.
posted by Cyclopsis Raptor at 11:54 PM on January 31, 2007

They didn't go much into the connection on the war on Terror, are they trying to keep it a secret to prevent widespread panic?

Unfortunately, it's too late for that. Reports are in that southern-flavored jamband music has overtaken much of the southeastern United States, and is rapidly spreading through the Midwest. Mushrooms have been eaten. Patchouli applied. Bootlegs recorded.

More updates as the story develops. Now back to you, Tim.
posted by Afroblanco at 12:00 AM on February 1, 2007

Why am I hearing the Fox Central Breaking News Red Alert theme while reaching for my new cum rag?
posted by moonbird at 4:19 AM on February 1, 2007

They are leading the story on tonight's news with this breaking scoop.

So wait... you're saying the cat took the towels??

*feverishly rewrites manuscript*
posted by languagehat at 5:32 AM on February 1, 2007

If there is no ashtray in the room, what is more likely? That the "thief" went to all the effort of stealing it, only to conveniently leave it in his car, or that there was never an ashtray to begin with???!!!!!1

The fact that this wasnt even mentioned in the article should make you think what they want to hide from you.
posted by Cironian at 5:37 AM on February 1, 2007

Ramirez, Domingo wrote:
Every Sunday we print the dumb or stupid crime of the week. This was it for last week.
Thanks for your email.

-----Original Message-----
From: Andrew Brennan
Sent: Wednesday, January 31, 2007 6:21 PM
To: Ramirez, Domingo
Subject: You're Kidding?

http://www.dfw.com/mld/dfw/news/local/16566304.htm

Slow news day, much?

Now I feel kinda bad.
Kinda.
posted by CitrusFreak12 at 10:16 AM on February 1, 2007 [1 favorite]

There is most certainly a racial element to this. White, cotton towels?
posted by JPowers at 10:21 AM on February 1, 2007

You know, if we don't take the towels, the terrorists win.
posted by thekilgore at 7:39 AM on February 2, 2007