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February 8, 2007 10:28 AM   Subscribe

Eric Schaeffer wants to marry you
posted by skjønn (53 comments total) 1 user marked this as a favorite

 
He and the putative Miss Whowever would be better advised to see how they like life with the first kid before having the next two.
posted by pax digita at 10:31 AM on February 8, 2007


yawn.
posted by casconed at 10:38 AM on February 8, 2007


"A 45-year-old binge-eating, downward-dogging, recovering drug-addict hypochondriac with an online dating habit, a taste for happy-ending massages and golden showers" whose blog is entitled I Can't Believe I'm Still Single?

I can.

And I may regret asking, but what is "downward dogging"?
posted by JaredSeth at 10:38 AM on February 8, 2007


A yoga thing.

Does anyone else wonder if Eric has met Mary Romantic?
posted by jacquilynne at 10:44 AM on February 8, 2007 [1 favorite]


Only a downward dog wants to bury a bone
posted by InfidelZombie at 10:48 AM on February 8, 2007


Scary. I just sent this to a friend of mine so he could see what he'd be like in ten years.

I like this dude. I wouldn't want to marry him, though.
posted by hermitosis at 10:49 AM on February 8, 2007


Okay, this right here is what creeps me out about New York.

Not Eric Schaeffer. We all know there are plenty of him everywhere. But the Salon article.

In any other city in America, Shaeffer would be a weird guy with a kind of weird blog, or he'd be "this funny thing I found on MetaFilter." But in New York, he's "a prolific splash on the New York dating scene."

The party scene, the drug scene, the music scene. It seems that everyone in NY has this obsessive-paranoid need to contextualize themselves.

"Hey, you want to go check out the burrito scene tonight?" "No, I think I'm going to drop in on the toothbrush scene and then hit the sleeping scene."
posted by roll truck roll at 10:49 AM on February 8, 2007 [18 favorites]


Well, I'm just about to turn 36, so I guess I'm out. Oh, and I'm a guy. So, I guess he's actually far more specific in his desires than I was led to believe.
posted by Horace Rumpole at 10:50 AM on February 8, 2007


Why is it that the people who have impossibly high standards in dating are the kinds of people who would only attract somebody with really really low standards?
posted by contessa at 10:51 AM on February 8, 2007


Gawker has more on this guy. Much more. He's 2007's Aleksey Vayner.
posted by Flashman at 10:53 AM on February 8, 2007


Is this where I feed his ego? He sounds like a terribly lonely man.
posted by muddgirl at 10:58 AM on February 8, 2007


I'd hit him.
posted by Kraftmatic Adjustable Cheese at 11:04 AM on February 8, 2007 [3 favorites]


roll truck roll: You're very right. But it's not only New York that's like this.

"I'm FedEx; I don't like a woman who's book rate."

I think cheesy quotes like that sum up why this guy might not exactly impress women. Who talks like this?!
posted by inoculatedcities at 11:13 AM on February 8, 2007


And I may regret asking, but what is "downward dogging"?

Hah, it's a yoga pose.
posted by mkb at 11:15 AM on February 8, 2007


I don't think he's interested in me. Nor am I interested in him, at all. But he does have nice eyes even if he likes being peed on.
posted by fenriq at 11:17 AM on February 8, 2007


"Director" is a total stretch.

I've said it before and I'll say it again: If Lucy Fell is one of the worst movies I've ever seen. It manages to stand right on the vertex dividing "actual good movie" gradations and "so bad it becomes good" gradations. Two minutes in, it becomes painfully apparent that you're watching a vanity project where the writer/director/starring actor (Schaeffer, of course) wanted an excuse to slaver over a supermodel.

I immediately guessed that Sarah Jessica Parker had lost a bet (even in 1996, before her career resurrection courtesy of Sex in the City), in order to sign on to play Schaeffer's character's platonic college buddy.

(Wikipedia alleges that Parker only agreed to the film because she took Schaeffer's taxicab accidentally in Manhattan. I bet she's long since wished that she'd just waited for the next one.)

This guy deserves exactly the life that his clamorous attention-whoring is going to land him.
posted by pineapple at 11:19 AM on February 8, 2007


But in New York, he's "a prolific splash on the New York dating scene."

No, here he's just a weirdo, too.

The party scene, the drug scene, the music scene. It seems that everyone in NY has this obsessive-paranoid need to contextualize themselves.

"Hey, you want to go check out the burrito scene tonight?" "No, I think I'm going to drop in on the toothbrush scene and then hit the sleeping scene."


there's less of that than you'd imagine. it's mainly quarantined among hipsters/yuppies in their late 20's and early30's in Lower Manhattan and Williamsburg. The rest of us just..do stuff. or not.
posted by jonmc at 11:19 AM on February 8, 2007


I expected to just glance at the first page, but wound up reading the whole thing in repelled fascination. If he isn't making all this up for his media persona...
But actual sex with family members is a big leap from rubbing it somewhere.

You mean actually sticking it in for two seconds and having her run and tell her mother that this isn't a good game anymore?

Whoa, that's a whole other level...

We were both 6, so it wasn't like that. We played Mommy and Daddy. We were both kissing. And then it got stuck in and then ... you know, I fucked my little guy friends when I was 6!

I read that you peed on your guy friends at 6, but did you have sex with them too?

Yes.

Were you the top?

I was both top and bottom. These were friends! We would crawl under the covers and play bat cave and somehow a dick would end up in someone's ass. [Laughter] And then the boys went away and I started liking girls. You know in many cultures, the Greek culture, it is happening. Equestrian class, girls are rubbing it on horseback, guys are climbing up the rope.

There's a difference between equestrian class and sex with your cousin at 6. But you don't think these experiences fucked you up?

Not at all. Because it wasn't anybody perpetrating a crime against me.

No, but your cousin running to her mother doesn't sound too happy.

Yeah, she was a little flustered by it, and then the rule was, I wasn't allowed to hug her hello or goodbye. But this is ancient; it did not start with Eric Schaeffer in 1969. Do I have intimacy issues around sex? Sure. I had to work on that. My point is, Rebecca, I've done all that work.
Yeah, I'll bet she was a little flustered by it. And so am I.
posted by languagehat at 11:21 AM on February 8, 2007


I wouldn't get near that guy with a 100 ft pole. He's a jerk, a loser, an egotistical maniac, and a sick man. He doesn't respect boundries. He thinks penetration sex play at age six is fine. He's gone to hookers, massage parlors, dominatrix. I mean, UGH. He's just fucking sick, repulsive man.

Of course you're single, you annoying loser. Maybe if you cut out the hookers and weird fetishes and thought about someone else besides yourself for a split second, someone decent might give you the time of day. But probably not.
posted by aacheson at 11:27 AM on February 8, 2007


I'd hit him.

With a shovel.
posted by katillathehun at 11:27 AM on February 8, 2007


Eric Schaeffer is pretty much the only reason i read Gawker.

It's the same impulse that makes people look at car crashes.
posted by cardamine at 11:28 AM on February 8, 2007


For a second I thought they meant the CEO of Human Factors International - but that's Eric Schaffer.

This guy looks more like Bryan Brown from the movie "F/X".
posted by rmm at 11:30 AM on February 8, 2007


Rebecca Traister irks the hell out of me. Also this guy is helariously creepy.
posted by delmoi at 11:38 AM on February 8, 2007


Do you know how many women have written me and said, "You're an inch too short"?

can't...stop....laughing.....
posted by Green Eyed Monster at 11:40 AM on February 8, 2007


Man. This guy makes Mike Binder look like Alan Alda.
posted by pazazygeek at 11:43 AM on February 8, 2007


What a total sociopath.
posted by chlorus at 11:49 AM on February 8, 2007


Hah, it's a yoga pose.

I read that as a yoga posse. I had a very funny, and scary, mental flash of a group of oddly bent hooligans that looked like they meant me harm.

Thanks for the (inadvertent) laugh.


I'll go sober up now.
posted by Benny Andajetz at 11:51 AM on February 8, 2007 [1 favorite]


Eric Schaeffer, you are a golden god. You are a bronze Adonis. You are a shaft of gold piercing the heart of a dragon. You are a soft breeze gently blowing a falling infant to safety. You are mink slippers on the feet of the poor. You are a delicious meal for the starving. You are an enormous, baby-generating cock-monster in the vagina of a tender seamstress. Your voice is like angels singing, but more holy, and your films are as crosses between orgasms and poetry, shoved into our unworthy eyes.

And you are only single because you are too complicated and honest and women are stupid whores. Because what else could it be.
posted by Sticherbeast at 11:59 AM on February 8, 2007 [4 favorites]


The problem with being an attention whore is that the pay really isn't that good for the work involved. Well that's the problem with being any kind of whore I suppose. Anyways the real problem is of course the media that serves these people up. You can just imagine the moment where even the respected journalist organizations decided to get into the freakshow ambulance chasing business. It wasn't so much a supply and demand thing as it was a supply-and-supply thing. But again, when you consider just how plentiful and cheap attention whores are, it's clear that they really can't sustain any kind of significant margin.
posted by nixerman at 12:03 PM on February 8, 2007


Women tend to do this thing -- white women, not black women. But white women do this thing where they'll clearly be sending all these vibes and then when you approach them they'll look at you like they never fucking heard of you. That's frustrating and makes me feel like an asshole. Because I'm not wrong. They weren't looking at the clock over my head. They were sending vibes. I'm not angry. I was trying to illustrate how hard it is to be a boy. That's all.

Oh, no. You're not wrong. Of course not. All those women want you. What an asshatted shitmeister.

Okay okay, let's say, for the sake of conversation that you're not wrong... that all these women are vibing you and then it goes away when you approach them. Perhaps, once they hear you speak and realize what a complete and utter soulless dunce you are, they've changed their minds. Hm?
posted by papercake at 12:25 PM on February 8, 2007


Reading this made me feel that for the next three years of my life (after which I age out of this douche's eligibility period) I should really focus on drinking, smoking, and doing drugs. Just on the off chance that I ever run into this guy, I do not want him to find me attractive in any way.

Namasté
posted by padraigin at 12:33 PM on February 8, 2007


what's the word i'm looking for ... where someone thinks the whole world is his/her creation? begins with an i ...

I don't want to spend five minutes with a woman unless I think you're gonna be my wife or unless I think we're going to fuck.

i just kept thinking, "stop talking, stop talking ..."

i'm actually sure he'll find someone to marry eventually, but i think there's a good reason most of us don't share our darkest thoughts.
posted by mrgrimm at 12:38 PM on February 8, 2007


"Namaste. I salute the light within you, as long as you are under 30, sexually dominant, personally submissive, and agree to agree with everything I say."

What an asshole.
posted by miss tea at 12:54 PM on February 8, 2007


What would be funny, is if he found a 25-year-old willing uterus, and then it turns out he's sterile...

Woo! we'd all laugh then!
posted by Green Eyed Monster at 12:57 PM on February 8, 2007


This man is a tool.

This man is a SUPERtool.
posted by Sparx at 12:57 PM on February 8, 2007


Uh-oh. If Lucy Fell is one of my very favorite movies and I've pre-ordered his book. Different strokes I guess.
posted by philad at 1:10 PM on February 8, 2007 [1 favorite]


Whoa whoa. Whoa. He seems to think there ISN'T A PROBLEM WITH FUCKING YOUR COUSINS. WHEN YOU'RE 6. And he wants to find a woman, TO AGREE TO HAVE PISSING SEX with him, and then KIDS. Who, one presumes, will BE ALLOWED TO HAVE SEX WITH THEIR COUSINS.

I'm just gonna let that sit there.
posted by ninjew at 1:11 PM on February 8, 2007


At first I thought this was about Eric Schlosser and I was all, "I'm hella setting up my single gal friends!
posted by serazin at 2:24 PM on February 8, 2007


I'm not sure what I think about this. On the one hand, Eric is fucked up in a bunch of ways. On the other hand, the reporter (Rebecca Traister) is thoroughly unsympathetic to him and often doesn't even try to take him at his word (e.g. about the "contract" for sex on a first date). She's hardly listening. When she's grilling him about his requirements for a mate, and he defends himself with the theory that many people have (or believe they have) similarly strict requirements, why can't she engage that?

I think a deficit of self-reflection and self-knowledge is seriously impinging on Traister's ability to be a good writer.

Here's another story by Traister:
Attack of the listless lads
Passionless and confused, they swim torpidly about in the dating pool, driving me and my single girlfriends to despair. I asked Benjamin Kunkel, author of the hit novel "Indecision," to explain to me what's wrong with young American men.

Classy. Like a young Maureen Dowd.

On review of the thread, I think I agree with Delmoi
posted by grobstein at 3:57 PM on February 8, 2007


Please, I have a prefab slot I would like to plug a human being into. If you fit my exact specfications, including exactly when to have children and how many to have, then you might be lucky enough to occupy this vacant slot. NB: deviation from the form will result in immediate termination of the contract.
posted by Mental Wimp at 4:20 PM on February 8, 2007


mrgrimm: solipsistic is, I think, what you're looking for.

Let's hope that he's either mistaken or never snuffs it.

Regarding online dating: I would love the time, expertise, and funding to explore to what degree online (or any mate-by-specification) dating describes the person one wishes to be, rather than meet. To all who succeeded at it: bravo, it always felt very top-down and falsely economical to me.
posted by abulafa at 4:52 PM on February 8, 2007


. I've learned who I am and I bring a whole human being to a relationship, a guy who's introspective about my foibles and has a method to work on them.

Ugh. That is code for: I am completely inflexable-- it is my way or the highway, baby.

I want to have some Christmases and time to really get to know the woman before it's all about kids.

Ugh. And that is code for: Christmas is all about ME-- I don't want to share with a bunch of rug rats until I have to.

I [want] someone who is unconditionally supportive of me in my me-ness.

He seems to have a lot of me-ness.
posted by Secret Life of Gravy at 5:05 PM on February 8, 2007


I'm single, and and I'm at least as fucked-up as that guy.
How about we pay attention to Me now?

Me(h).
posted by Methylviolet at 5:09 PM on February 8, 2007


Wow. And to think I really like that show Starved and was disappointed when it didn't last more than a handful of episodes. Apparently it was pretty close to real life, at least as close as you can get on non-PPV adults-only cable. This guy is the Ubertool. Other tools should bow in his general direction.
posted by fuse theorem at 6:36 PM on February 8, 2007


Wow, this guy is his own worst enemy. He should shut up about himself - he'd do better.
posted by ikkyu2 at 7:22 PM on February 8, 2007


and yet, they complain that we NYC women are *too picky*!!!!!
posted by Maias at 8:11 PM on February 8, 2007


At first I thought this was about Alfredo Stroessner and I was all like, WTF? How can he marry somebody when he's dead?
posted by Meatbomb at 12:25 AM on February 9, 2007


Pardon me while I speak for my entire gender for a moment...
Uhh, Eric? Did you ever consider that maybe we're just not that into you?
And... ummm... that it's pretty darn clear to everyone but you why we're not?

Seriously... ewww is right.
posted by miss lynnster at 12:33 AM on February 9, 2007


Dude makes me think of a edge-less, loser-ish, boring version of Breat Easton Ellis' Patrick Bateman.

Sad.
posted by Sijeka at 3:46 AM on February 9, 2007


Eric: And [my idea of who I'd like] is a liberal ideal! It's anyone I fucking like! A 5-foot-2, 200-pound Indian woman! It could be anybody.

Wired: Except if she's 40.

Eric: Yes.


What a fantastic arse!
posted by hugsnkisses at 9:43 AM on February 9, 2007


The response site: http://iknowwhyyourestillsingle.blogspot.com/
posted by rottytooth at 11:12 AM on February 9, 2007


Cripes. I know a guy who is slowly on his way to becoming this dude, without the golden showers or the sex with cousins.

Which actually makes this guy look way less awful and creepy. It might be a good selling point if I ever tried to set him up with female friends of mine: "Oh yeah, he's been single for ten years - I was the last person he dated and that was in high school. His biggest regret is that he didn't commit statutory rape that time when his college suite-mate came home slobbering drunk and tried to bone him. But hey! He won't pee on you and he's never had sex with any of his cousins!"
posted by grapefruitmoon at 12:59 AM on February 10, 2007


There are days on which I am so depressed I don't want to get out of bed in the morning. When I finally do get out of bed, I am so full of self-loathing that I can barely look myself in the mirror. When I do finally look in the mirror I stare myself deeply in the eyes and ask myself why I even bother to go on living, as worthless and incompetent as I am.

Then I read about Eric Schaeffer and think "huh ... how about that -- I guess I could be worse."
posted by moonbiter at 2:23 AM on February 10, 2007


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