Comments on: Alas, A Darwin Award Eludes Him.

Alas, A Darwin Award Eludes Him.

Second Account For Making Jokey Comments — Thu, 15 Feb 2007 17:28:51 -0800

Man attacks Shark with his bare hands; blames vodka.

By: quin

quin — Thu, 15 Feb 2007 17:42:50 -0800

quin attacks sandwich with his bare hands; blames hunger. I wonder how many things could be appended with "; blames vodka" that would cause them to suddenly make much more sense. /Represses urge to make Bush drinking joke

By: quin

quin — Thu, 15 Feb 2007 17:45:45 -0800

Also, Bronze whaler sharks are not small. They are also listed as 'aggressive'. I wonder how this guy managed to not get seriously hurt. Luck of the drunk, I guess.

By: porpoise

porpoise — Thu, 15 Feb 2007 17:50:42 -0800

Blame?! Thank, more likely. Oh, wait... he didn't do it as self defense. Poor shark. Just swimming around and wHaM! some stupid bloke's molesting you.

By: Burhanistan

Burhanistan — Thu, 15 Feb 2007 18:01:05 -0800

Amusing that the previous post's title is "The One that Got Away".

By: pompomtom

pompomtom — Thu, 15 Feb 2007 18:11:30 -0800

FUCKING LEGEND!!! /fark

By: wumpus

wumpus — Thu, 15 Feb 2007 18:31:34 -0800

no... blame fark.

By: chinston

chinston — Thu, 15 Feb 2007 18:34:47 -0800

At first I was all like, holy crap! Then I was like, Wait, this guy was Australian? Meh. Dog bites man. Australians are hoss, and nothing they do surprises me.

By: CautionToTheWind

CautionToTheWind — Thu, 15 Feb 2007 18:35:05 -0800

I told you i was hardcore!

By: UbuRoivas

UbuRoivas — Thu, 15 Feb 2007 18:49:55 -0800

Was it the same guy as in this thread, by any chance? That might explain a lot.

By: Rhomboid

Rhomboid — Thu, 15 Feb 2007 19:01:30 -0800

Bleh. Lame. This guy is an actual hero, though.

By: UbuRoivas

UbuRoivas — Thu, 15 Feb 2007 19:11:43 -0800

Upon reading the articles...pfffft! A pussy little four-foot bronze whaler shark? The worst they can do to you is get in your way when you're trying to catch a wave.

By: flapjax at midnite

flapjax at midnite — Thu, 15 Feb 2007 19:39:30 -0800

What, we're just supposed to take this guy's word for it? No witnesses, no video, no photos, no nothing? Just he says it happened? Oh, but he's Australian. OK, I believe it.

By: sourwookie

sourwookie — Thu, 15 Feb 2007 19:46:31 -0800

Feh. I "attack the shark" on a near daily basis. Vodka is often involved.

By: davy

davy — Thu, 15 Feb 2007 19:59:15 -0800

"Man attacks Shark with his bare hands; blames vodka." That describes most of the women I had sex with in my 20s.

By: UbuRoivas

UbuRoivas — Thu, 15 Feb 2007 20:14:47 -0800

Now the swimmer and the female shark saved by him confront each other. For minutes they stare fixedly into each other's eyes. They swim circling, keeping each other in sight, and each thinking: "I was wrong all along. Here is one more evil than I." Then in unison they glided underwater towards each other, in mutual admiration, the female shark slitting open the waves with her fins, Maldoror's arms thrashing the water; and they held their breaths, in deepest reverence, each one anxious to gaze for the first time upon his living image. Effortlessly, at only three yards apart, they suddenly fell upon one another like two magnets, in an embrace of dignity and gratitude, clasping each other tenderly as brother and sister. Carnal desire soon followed this display of affection. Like two leeches, a pair of nervous thighs gripped tightly against the monster's viscous flesh, and arms and fins wrapped around the objects of their desire, surrounding their bodies with love, while their breasts and bellies soon fused into one bluish-green mass reeking of sea-wrack, in the midst of the tempest still raging by the light of lightning; with the foamy waves for a wedding bed, borne on an undersea current as if in a cradle, rolling and rolling down into the bottomless ocean depths, they came together in a long, chaste, and hideous mating!... At last I had found somebody who was like me!... From now on I was no longer alone in life!... Her ideas were the same as mine!... I was face to face with my first love! Lautramont: The Songs of Maldoror, Second Canto, Stanza 13: The Shipwreck and Sharks (Maldoror's First Love)

By: UbuRoivas

UbuRoivas — Thu, 15 Feb 2007 20:16:01 -0800

D'oh! Lautreamont. International typo day continus.

By: tellurian

tellurian — Thu, 15 Feb 2007 20:18:22 -0800

Man bites shark; blames beer.

By: lostburner

lostburner — Thu, 15 Feb 2007 21:28:24 -0800

Man jumps on puny shark, doesn't manage to catch it, rips his jeans. News at 11? At the Long Beach Aquarium, they've got touch tanks full of sharks, up to 3 feet I believe. 4 feet is not a scary-sized shark, especially if that's the size as judged by a drunk guy.

By: Smedleyman

Smedleyman — Thu, 15 Feb 2007 21:52:35 -0800

Human actually are quite dangerous animals.

By: dreamsign

dreamsign — Thu, 15 Feb 2007 21:55:27 -0800

Man attacks Shark with his bare hands; blames vodka. If the shark had my bare hands, I'd attack him, too, and I'd probably need the vodka.

By: inconsequentialist

inconsequentialist — Thu, 15 Feb 2007 22:03:31 -0800

"It's not something I'd recommend to do. When I sobered up I thought about it and I said, 'I'm a bit of an idiot for doing it'," Kerkhof said. Truer words were never spoken.

By: Astro Zombie

Astro Zombie — Thu, 15 Feb 2007 22:40:54 -0800

Cop ejaculates on shark; blames shark.

By: grapefruitmoon

grapefruitmoon — Thu, 15 Feb 2007 22:56:12 -0800

This reminds me of seeing Eddie Izzard live in Reykjavík and mentioning something about how there are some not so nice animals and no one would like, oh, say, sharks, even if they had long ears. Some heckler yelled "We eat sharks!" (Which is true. And foul smelling.) Not missing a bit, Mr. Izzard jumped right into a digression about a shark going around in the ocean with a piece taking out of him and his friends going up to him all "What happened to you?" "It was an Icelander!" They would, too. And yes, vodka would definitely be involved.

By: robcorr

robcorr — Fri, 16 Feb 2007 00:24:53 -0800

Just swimming around and wHaM! some stupid bloke's molesting you. To be fair to the bloke, he was fishing and the shark kept taking his bait. Man jumps on puny shark, doesn't manage to catch it Actually, he caught it and killed it. Then he took it home, cooked it, and shared it with his friends.

By: RobHoi

RobHoi — Fri, 16 Feb 2007 04:16:28 -0800

He appears to be from Dutch descent. 'Kerkhof' is dutch for churchyard; He almost ended up there ;)

By: Horace Rumpole

Horace Rumpole — Fri, 16 Feb 2007 06:07:35 -0800

Shark loses Masters, blames choking.

By: Midnight Creeper

Midnight Creeper — Fri, 16 Feb 2007 10:59:26 -0800

I wonder if most of the incidents of sharks attacking humans involve drunkeness on the part of these finned horrors of the deep? "Dude, I was so wasted that I bit off the leg of the first surfer I randomly encountered. I mean, ew, ya know?"

By: Citizen Premier

Citizen Premier — Fri, 16 Feb 2007 16:51:07 -0800

Seems fairer than catching the shark on a string it can't see. Now he just has to try staring down a bar.