‘Embarrassment before dishonor!’

February 21, 2007 3:57 PM

Man thinks the screams from neighbors porn is rape, breaks down door armed with a cavalry saber.
posted by Faux Real (73 comments total)

Into the breach!
posted by stinkycheese at 4:01 PM on February 21, 2007

Upon actually reading the article, this stands out:

Contesting his neighbor’s account, Van Iveren said he didn’t look anywhere in the apartment except the front room, and that he never threatened the neighbor with the sword.

“I had the sword extended. But that was all,” he said.
posted by stinkycheese at 4:02 PM on February 21, 2007

“I had the sword extended. But that was all,” he said.

So he and the neighbor had something in common, then.
posted by maxwelton at 4:03 PM on February 21, 2007 [7 favorites]

swordfight
posted by b1tr0t at 4:05 PM on February 21, 2007 [2 favorites]

Well, that story put me right off my copy of Screaming Butt Wenches III.
posted by Astro Zombie at 4:06 PM on February 21, 2007 [3 favorites]

And they say chivalry is dead!

Geez, I know some buildings have thin walls, but wouldn't you keep the volume on your porn turned down pretty low?
posted by Green Eyed Monster at 4:08 PM on February 21, 2007

I guess they're right when they say that no good deed goes unpunished.
posted by SBMike at 4:10 PM on February 21, 2007

The porn is mightier than the sword!!
posted by inconsequentialist at 4:11 PM on February 21, 2007 [2 favorites]

This is what happens when you're 39 and still live with your mother.
posted by Dave Faris at 4:13 PM on February 21, 2007

Well, that story put me right off my copy of Screaming Butt Wenches III

Eh. Part II was better.
posted by eyeballkid at 4:14 PM on February 21, 2007 [1 favorite]

ah, my wisconsin brethren.
posted by ms.jones at 4:14 PM on February 21, 2007

Thank god his penis wasn't the Highlander.
posted by unsupervised at 4:17 PM on February 21, 2007

I used to joke that if you use a sword in self defense, unless the guy you wack is wearing a mask made out of his previous victim, you can pretty much count on spending some quality time describing some ink blots.

Then my wife encounterer a burglar in the next room.
posted by Kid Charlemagne at 4:17 PM on February 21, 2007 [2 favorites]

Oh god. I saw the dateline of 'Oconomowoc, Wis' and read 'breaks down door armed with a cavalry saber', and I just kept thinking Please don't be someone I know, Please don't be someone I know...

And fortunately, I don't know him. But the fact that it was even a possibility suggests that Oconomowoc is an odd place.

That's what we do in WI; beer, cheese, Harleys, serial killers, and crazy.

It's the weather. It turns us all a little mad, doncha-know?
posted by quin at 4:19 PM on February 21, 2007

KC : I used to joke that if you use a sword in self defense...

I've said this before, but swords are cliché. Real men use Zulu Assegai spears. Nothing sells fear to a home invader like a man waiting for them in the dark with a fucking spear.
posted by quin at 4:28 PM on February 21, 2007 [4 favorites]

Best thing I've read today! If only the news were that entertaining on a regular basis...
posted by blaneyphoto at 4:28 PM on February 21, 2007

Ther is only one Screaming Butt Wenches. The peopple in this thread have obvisly never seen it or they wod know that. kthxbi.
posted by Kwine at 4:29 PM on February 21, 2007

Whilst laughing maniacally

But then, that's a given.
posted by quin at 4:29 PM on February 21, 2007

This rules.
posted by nathancaswell at 4:29 PM on February 21, 2007

Dude should have gotten a medal.
posted by mr_book at 4:32 PM on February 21, 2007

MeFi thinks the content from sensationalist FPP is pitifully weak, breaks into thread armed with a portabello mushroom.

Here I stand, feeling a little fungus.
posted by CynicalKnight at 4:35 PM on February 21, 2007 [2 favorites]

en garde! lol!    OMG!?WTF?!
 O |                O '
/|`T               (|,o *slurp*slurp*
/\                   /| Z

posted by wfrgms at 4:41 PM on February 21, 2007 [48 favorites]

When keeping it real, RenFest-style, goes wrong...

But it looks like that guy didn't play D&D for 20 years without learning a little something about courage.
posted by Midnight Creeper at 4:44 PM on February 21, 2007 [1 favorite]

Quin, you know that saying about when life gives you lemmons? Life gave me a reproduction Oakshott XXa.1.

Fortunatly he was content to tell a really obvious like and I was content to stand their quietly and let him.
posted by Kid Charlemagne at 4:45 PM on February 21, 2007

Headphones, people. Headphones. Sheesh.
posted by localroger at 4:54 PM on February 21, 2007

Is there a good Samaritan law in Wisconsin? I'm curious to know, if it had been an actual rape and he didn't do anything about it, would he have gotten into trouble for that, too?
posted by kimota at 4:54 PM on February 21, 2007

I've said this before, but swords are cliché. Real men use Zulu Assegai spears. Nothing sells fear to a home invader like a man waiting for them in the dark with a fucking spear.

But apparently a sword-wielding intruder is not so frightened by a man in the dark with a "spear," fucking.
posted by katillathehun at 5:01 PM on February 21, 2007

Van Iveren, who lives with his mother...

And they say chivalry is dead!
posted by phaedon at 5:05 PM on February 21, 2007

Was the DVD not still on when the door was broken down? Why did he have to show Van Iveren that the whole apartment was empty if he could have just shown him the video from which the sounds were originally coming?
posted by inconsequentialist at 5:13 PM on February 21, 2007

I suspect if he is 39 living with his mom, that noble intentions these probably weren't, and more a hero complex...save the princess and all and win her over in the end

I mean he really couldn't tell the difference between porn coming out of TV speakers (presumably not even screams) and someone in real danger? What if the guy had actually been having sex with a woman and those were her moans? I'm speculating that it wasn't rape porn since the guy showed it to the cops though if it were I suppose it would favor the intruder a bit more.

Still, I see no hero here.
posted by kigpig at 5:19 PM on February 21, 2007

I mean he really couldn't tell the difference between porn coming out of TV speakers (presumably not even screams) and someone in real danger? What if the guy had actually been having sex with a woman and those were her moans?

What if the intruder hadn't had any nookie since it was around his neck?

What if he couldn't have gotten laid in a whorehouse with $400 in his hand and a paper bag over his head?

What if?
posted by jason's_planet at 5:26 PM on February 21, 2007

...breaks down door armed with a cavalry saber his pork sword.
posted by UbuRoivas at 5:31 PM on February 21, 2007

I love you maniacs.

Oconomowoc [uh-KAHN-uh-muh-wawk] previously on MetaFilter.
posted by languagehat at 5:32 PM on February 21, 2007

Best thing I've read today! If only the news were that entertaining on a regular basis...

Fark is the place for you, my friend.
posted by UbuRoivas at 5:33 PM on February 21, 2007

Is there a good Samaritan law in Wisconsin? I'm curious to know, if it had been an actual rape and he didn't do anything about it, would he have gotten into trouble for that, too?

I've never heard of any good Samaritan laws that require you to investigate if you hear odd screams/moans coming from an upstairs apartment.
posted by bob sarabia at 5:34 PM on February 21, 2007 [1 favorite]

remember this story? ... it's neither here or there, but that woman who threw the ice into the car in virginia got probation

(it happened to be linked on the page the fpp leads to)
posted by pyramid termite at 5:34 PM on February 21, 2007

Real men use Zulu Assegai spears.

Yes, but perhaps a light sabre would have been more appropriate for this guy.
posted by UbuRoivas at 5:39 PM on February 21, 2007

Man things neighbor's screams of rape is just porn, cracks open a beer and watches SportsCenter.
posted by phaedon at 5:40 PM on February 21, 2007

When I heard about this I pictured Dwight from The Office as the guy with the sword trying to save the day.
posted by revgeorge at 5:47 PM on February 21, 2007 [1 favorite]

remember this story? ... it's neither here or there, but that woman who threw the ice into the car in virginia got probation

Here's that fpp in case anyone was wondering.
posted by bob sarabia at 5:47 PM on February 21, 2007

Holy Fark, batman!
posted by ZenMasterThis at 5:49 PM on February 21, 2007

"Fark is the place for you, my friend."

Actually, that's where I read about this story.. several days ago. We seem to get quite a few FPPs about stuff that was all over the internet days before.

But that's ok, because wfrgms gets teh win with the ASS-CII.

heh.
posted by drstein at 5:50 PM on February 21, 2007

Many are stalled, but few are frozen.
posted by lometogo at 5:54 PM on February 21, 2007

The penis mightier than the sword, indeed.

[apologies to inconsequentialist and Sean Connery]
posted by joe lisboa at 5:59 PM on February 21, 2007 [1 favorite]

Police seized Van Iveren’s sword, which he said was a family heirloom.

Okay, okay, I say we give this guy a break. He was only attempting to follow in the rape-preventing/avenging footsteps of his forefathers.
posted by inconsequentialist at 6:19 PM on February 21, 2007

His mother made him do it, but he's too gallant and cavalier to drag any woman, even his wretched, lunatic mother into a kerfuffle. Too bad he didn’t have a horse. That would have really rattled the upstairs neighbor.
posted by Huplescat at 6:22 PM on February 21, 2007

wfrgms writes "

en garde! lol! OMG!?WTF?!
"O | O '
"/|`T (|,o *slurp*slurp*
"/\ /| Z

"

FTW.
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 6:22 PM on February 21, 2007

Geez, I know some buildings have thin walls, but wouldn't you keep the volume on your porn turned down pretty low?

Obviously you've never lived in Montreal.
posted by Sullenshady at 7:12 PM on February 21, 2007

Real life imitates Onion article. Film at 11:00.
posted by adamrice at 7:20 PM on February 21, 2007

This happened to me, just without the kicking down the neighbors' door wielding a sword part.

They were terrifying people, perfect examples of the pitfalls of living in a building where the apartments are leased month to month. The noise from downstairs - and the reek of skanky pot wafting up through my floorboards - got so bad I actually went to the 24 hour diner I worked at and slept in a booth a few times. When I did manage to spend a night at home, there was a butcher's knife on my night table and another taped to my front door, lest the fights that often erupted down there made their way up to my apartment. I started formulating plans, thinking through scenarios, practicing half-ass self-defense tactics like throwing steak knives into the floor and propped up cardboard targets.
Sleep deprivation + paranoia + the inefficiency of the local cops = I was losing it. Got pretty damned skilled with those Wiltshires, though; if a Porterhouse ever tries jumping me in an alley, the bastard's in for a serrated surprise.

One afternoon, I arrived home from doing groceries to find Nazareth's cover of Love Hurts blaring up through my floor, accompanied by agonized moans and sobbing. The sounds of low rent romance gone bad. I chuckled at my neighbor's heartache and pain, thinking Good, let him suffer for a change.

Such was the heartache, so epic his pain, that son of a bitch played the song over and over.

For eight hours.

For eight hours I listened to that goddamn motherfucking song. If it had been Gram and Emmylou or even Roy Orbison, I probably could have hacked it, could have gotten used to it, tuned it out. But Dan McCafferty's shrill wail can not be ignored, refuses to be denied attention. Stomping on the floor elicited Maori-like bellows and snarls; I decided to once again seek sanctuary at the diner. In the darkness of my apartment, I didn't see the plastic grocery bag carelessly left on the carpet and slipped, momentarily parallel to my treacherous floor before gravity bodyslammed me back down onto the cheap, mottled nylon with an echoing bang.
As I lay there gasping, the thug downstairs pounded on his ceiling: "Fuck you, you fucken fucker!"
"I *gasp* fell, you *hurk* asshole!" I croaked back before retreating to another night on cheap cracked vinyl and muzak lullabies.

The couple soon reunited and moved out, two steps ahead of a collection agency and a month behind on the rent. The building managers were dismissed on grounds of complete ineptitude and a higher quality of tenant began to move in.
Things are a lot better now...

... except I'm the skeezy creep with porn blaring through his walls now.
posted by Alvy Ampersand at 7:28 PM on February 21, 2007 [5 favorites]

Yawn. Really, if I had a nickel...
posted by sourwookie at 7:30 PM on February 21, 2007

Headphones, people. Headphones. Sheesh.

Or a DVD with old-style porn music.

wakka-chikka-wakka-chikka ...
posted by bwg at 8:04 PM on February 21, 2007

*nervously turns down the volume*
posted by papakwanz at 8:23 PM on February 21, 2007

Hey, Oconomowoc! That's where Bobby Shaftoe's from.
posted by A dead Quaker at 8:38 PM on February 21, 2007

It's the weather. It turns us all a little mad, doncha-know?

I know, because I've seen Wisconsin Death Trip.
posted by muckster at 9:03 PM on February 21, 2007

Bobby Shaftoe... bingo! I knew I knew that from somewhere.

The article doesn't specify -- but any chance this wasn't run of the mill funky-music-and-over-the-top-moaning porn? If it were simulated rape, with lots of "Let me go! I'll call the cops! Heeeelp!" I could see it. Though then the guy would simply have failed to see through porn-level acting, not the greatest feat to be sure.
posted by dreamsign at 9:04 PM on February 21, 2007

I turn the sound off on my pr0n. All I ever heard before I learned that "trick" was cheesy elevator music, goofy moans, and stuff like a chick supposedly clearly enunciating "ooh fuck my ass" while deep-throating the first guy. Have "dirty movie" sound tracks changed much since 1982?

(Yeah I know, that was before "A2M" got common too; some things are just too disgusting to be done even in the heat of passion, really.)
posted by davy at 9:13 PM on February 21, 2007

Trying to help someone you mistakenly perceive to be in danger and risking your own life for a stranger and ending up shamed and mocked and fodder for our never-ending freakathon of mid-western rubes and maybe becoming even more isolated than ever and learning not to look out for a neighbor in a time where the idea of we're all in this together has been trumped by the rabid desire to be cooooool is FUNNY, dudes.
I would be proud to know this guy.
posted by Dizzy at 9:39 PM on February 21, 2007 [1 favorite]

Yeah, somehow left out saying that, had the guy been right, he'd be a hero; he's wrong so he's a laughing stock. If you want heroes, be prepared to laud some courageous fools, too.
posted by dreamsign at 9:57 PM on February 21, 2007 [1 favorite]

Yeah, somehow left out saying that, had the guy been right, he'd be a hero

If he was a real Hiro with a sword, he'd have stopped time while searching the apartment and prevented this embarrassing situation.
posted by dirigibleman at 10:59 PM on February 21, 2007

"I would be proud to know this guy."

Me too.

But I'd still want a public apology, and my damn door fixed.
posted by davy at 11:48 PM on February 21, 2007

That's a building I'm glad I don't live in. Upstairs, Loud Porn Guy. Downstairs, a guy who owns a sword but not a phone and who has trouble telling recorded porn from reality.

But I'm siding with the sword guy. If you're playing porn loud enough bother the neighbors, you need to have your door broken down and your willy wilted by a sword-swinging loner.
posted by pracowity at 12:43 AM on February 22, 2007

wow. is it all, only, male commentary in this thread?

i am glad this guy actually took action, and had enough restraint not to do any harm in the situation.
posted by lapolla at 1:41 AM on February 22, 2007

Or y'know, call the cops or something.
posted by Smedleyman at 2:48 AM on February 22, 2007

Call the cops who might take two hours to get in a car and come round the neighbourhood? Eh.

Good for the guy. What Lapolla said.
posted by Sijeka at 3:23 AM on February 22, 2007

Smedleyman, I know that's the "correct" response, but do you really think a cop's going to get there in time to break up a rape? Have you had to call a cop recently or talked to someone who has? Most places I've lived, a rapist could've finished, wiped his dick off on the drapes, optionally killed the victim, fixed a sandwich to take with, and been long gone by the time the sirens would be faintly audible in the distance.
posted by pax digita at 5:19 AM on February 22, 2007

Sijeka writes "Call the cops who might take two hours to get in a car and come round the neighbourhood? Eh. "Good for the guy. What Lapolla said."

And if porn guy had his girlfriend tied up on the bed resulting in sword guy slicing him up? Vigilantism is always dangerous.
posted by Mitheral at 7:04 AM on February 22, 2007

if Van Iveren was attempting to rescue what he thought was a woman in danger he was "obnoxiously late," said Stieghorst, who said he watched the movie between 1 and 2:30 a.m., but Van Iveren did not burst into his apartment until about 11:30 a.m.
posted by Kirth Gerson at 7:21 AM on February 22, 2007

The elevator must have been slow.
posted by Kirth Gerson at 7:26 AM on February 22, 2007

in rural oregon where i live, approx. 90% of the houses have guns; some guy comes through the door with a sword, we've figured out in advance what we're gonna do so we don't need to waste time thinking about it when it happens.
posted by bruce at 7:52 AM on February 22, 2007

Guns don't kill people - houses do!

I also liked this part:

Stieghorst said the incident will not change his movie-viewing habits.

"No, way; I'm a man and I'm a normal person," he said. "But I think I will get some good headphones, maybe some wireless ones."

posted by Kirth Gerson at 11:25 AM on February 22, 2007

I think the loser was hoping to get laid too and he just made the other shit up when it turned out to be a porn flick. (OK, not really, but it sounds plausible!)
posted by nofundy at 12:12 PM on February 22, 2007

"Smedleyman, I know that's the "correct" response, but do you really think a cop's going to get there in time to break up a rape?"

I have no clue. But calling the police first gives you a plausible rationale for acting. You should not try to take the law into your own hands. I'm not arguing for ignoring the situation, but there is a difference between vigilantism and good samaritanism.
What - EXACTLY - was he going to accomplish with a cavalry saber responding to a rape and busting into someone elses home?
If I was certain there was a rape in progress I would involve myself in the situation after dialing 911. If I had to kill the rapist, I would. It is highly unlikely I would have to however. I'm well trained and well armed (generally). But that's me.
If I was someone else I might need a weapon of some sort as a threat.
The problem then lay in threat response. For one: how well trained is someone with a cavalry sword in using it?
Which might lead the individual being threatened to question the validity of the threat. How plausible is it that some nut with a cavalry sword is actually going to use it? And the flip side: "Oh my God! Some nut with a cavalry sword is trying to kill me! I'd better -!" whatever. Which might lead to the use of force on the part of the sword weilder. Which brings us back to "do." (yeah, it's a pun).

How sure was he a rape was in progress?
Why not knock? Knocking is good.
If a rapist assaulted me (after I called the cops) I might let it get out of hand. Granted this guy showed "restraint" (disregarding the breaking and entering and assault with a deadly weapon) and didn't let it get out of hand.
But the difference there is - the rapist, that is known to me as a rapist - attacks me when my blood is up and I defend myself so forcefully I kill him.
That's justifiable. And I'm not shedding any tears for the rapist.

But me inserting myself into an unknown situation where I don't know a rape is in progress and threatening the life of whomever with the possibility I might kill him without contacting the authorities in any way is not justifiable.
Just because the man's intentions were honorable doesn't negate the potential for harm.

Which is, after all, the objective. Prevention of harm.

Whatever one might feel about it, rapists aren't given the death penalty, and indeed, no one has the right to summarily mete out what they think justice is. Most particularly in someone else's home. And hell, if it was some guy who was more dangerous/better armed who actually was raping her or if it was domestic violence or whatever, he could make up any story he liked. Because the core of it is the guy busted into the house with a dangerous weapon and whomever is inside can justifiably say they felt their lives threatened. Honorable intentions don't change reality.

Entirely different story with a police recording saying "I think there's a woman being raped over there. I'm going to bust in and try and stop it."
posted by Smedleyman at 9:11 PM on February 22, 2007