What's The Lesbian Doing In My Pirate Movie?

February 25, 2007 9:52 PM

The 100 Worst Porn Movie Titles ! (NSFW, masturbating cartoon chihuahua)
posted by granted (62 comments total)

I'd like to take this opportunity to mention my favorite porn title ever: My Ass is Haunted.
posted by bob sarabia at 10:04 PM on February 25, 2007

"Airtight Granny". omg.

That'd make a great name for a band...
posted by BaxterG4 at 10:11 PM on February 25, 2007

Thank you. Until now, I had seen the words "masturbating," "cartoon," and "chihuahua" only separately.
posted by cerebus19 at 10:12 PM on February 25, 2007

masturbating cartoon chihuahua

Meh, not as hot as Puppy Love.
posted by homunculus at 10:14 PM on February 25, 2007

Awww, yeah. I stumbled on that site a while ago when I was doing research for this complicated carnal joke I wanted to tell. Jerk Your Cum Crayon and Color Me White fit my exact needs, and now I like to say it whenever I want to sound surprised.
posted by Powerful Religious Baby at 10:25 PM on February 25, 2007

I'm partial to "ASS-HOLE O MIO."
posted by changeling at 10:26 PM on February 25, 2007

Some of those titles (and cartoons!) are atrocious, but I'd like to think that there is some creativity involved in naming them - I like that the FPP's title is "What's the Lesbian Doing in My Pirate Movie". Personally I'm partial to foreign film translations - Pam Anderson's "Barb Wire" translates to "Heavenly Orbs Of Womenhood Bigger Than Your Head May Kill You". Come to think of it, that could work for a porn movie, too.
posted by rmm at 10:37 PM on February 25, 2007

The "What the Hell" section alone was worth it.
posted by Brak at 10:43 PM on February 25, 2007

ULTRA KINKY #79 - BOWLIN' IN HER COLON

That series has really gone downhill since #29.
posted by marxchivist at 10:51 PM on February 25, 2007 [1 favorite]

THE SPLENDOR OF HELL

I won't watch anything that reminds me of my own sex life.
posted by dirigibleman at 10:55 PM on February 25, 2007

Also, I could have sworn that was a masturbating kangaroo...
posted by dirigibleman at 11:14 PM on February 25, 2007

I once worked for a porn company where part of my job was to help create banners for our affiliate network. The best piece of work we ever did featured the highly nuanced phrasing "Drugged out catholic schoolgirls getting assfucked". That was a proud day.
posted by autodidact at 11:27 PM on February 25, 2007

One of the subheadings for worst ever movie titles the author of the site uses is "Stop, It hurts!"

Is it just me, or is that a potential terrible porn movie title all by itself?
posted by Effigy2000 at 11:27 PM on February 25, 2007

"Here are the 11884 matching titles"

This is going to be a long night...
posted by Loser at 11:32 PM on February 25, 2007

E-THREE THE EXTRA TESTICLE

My first thought was, "There's a porn movie about Electronics Entertainment Expo and it has nothing to do with Dead or Alive: Xtreme 2?" Then the funny hit me.
posted by sequential at 11:46 PM on February 25, 2007

From Loser's link:

1,001 Ways To Eat My Jizz, Part 3: Biscuits and Gravy Edition

Hahahahahahaaaaaaaaa
posted by granted at 11:51 PM on February 25, 2007

36. AMATEURS ONLY #131 - HOW MUCH LONGER IS THIS GOING TO TAKE Ah, Romance!
54. LET'S PLAY ANAL TWISTER - How about random orifice Yahtzee? Muff Merlin? Cooties?
66. ALL ANAL ON THE WESTERN FRONT I can't help but read 'anal' here in the 'control freak' sense. As in, someone who won't allow you to clean your foxhole without a regulation shovel (although that might be a sexy euphamism for something I'm completely unaware of)
76. SIRLOIN TITS Whoever wrote that has clearly never seen a woman outside of the Marvel Universe
67. HITLER SUCKS Godwin!
posted by maryh at 11:57 PM on February 25, 2007

Nothing beats the "let's cram in the fetishes!" titles. My favourite is Black Teen Transsexual Nurses. Four fetishes, four words. Very economical.

They could have whacked a "Bubble-butt" in there, too, though. Then it would be perfect.
posted by Jilder at 11:57 PM on February 25, 2007

In the special features for "A Dirty Shame," John Waters talks about sex acts like The Dirty Sanchez and The Rusty Trombone and how nobody really does those things, they're acts that don't really exist except as sexual urban legends.

Now, I may be lacking in the innuendo department or else I'm just too virginal and vanilla for these types of things, but can someone please 'splain to me what is meant by the porn title "Onion Planet?"
posted by Brittanie at 12:13 AM on February 26, 2007

A friend of mine (no, really!) had a tape whose title was:

Ass Fuck #5: Asian Chicks

Title says all...
posted by NewBornHippy at 12:38 AM on February 26, 2007

porn title "Onion Planet?"

Onion = Asshole. A picture that I wouldn't post here would make it obvious.
posted by NewBornHippy at 12:41 AM on February 26, 2007

Given today's news on girl-on-girl koala love, I predict "Koala Bare: Eucanlyct My Supial."
posted by rob511 at 12:54 AM on February 26, 2007 [2 favorites]

I dunno, I kind of want to see "E-THREE THE EXTRA TESTICLE".

well, only kind of.
posted by hattifattener at 12:56 AM on February 26, 2007

When I worked at Tower Video we rented out "Weapons of Ass Destruction" and its sequel, "Weapons of Ass Destruction II: Bunker Busters." Near as I could tell from the video boxes, neither had anything to do with justifications or (in the case of the later) tools of war.
posted by brundlefly at 1:11 AM on February 26, 2007

Also, rob511, it took a few tries saying your porn title out loud, but it was worth it.
posted by brundlefly at 1:13 AM on February 26, 2007

He's missed the one that David Foster Wallace mentions in his essay about the annual porn video awards:
Goo Goo Goo Drippin Out My Back Door
posted by Flashman at 1:15 AM on February 26, 2007

"Bang The Bum Slowly"
posted by vronsky at 3:07 AM on February 26, 2007

If I ever film a porn movie, the title is going to be an epic 3-page dead baby joke.
posted by tehloki at 3:11 AM on February 26, 2007

Hippy, you led me to Google. Onion = ass, according to Urban Dictionary, not ass*hole*, although I'm now curious about this picture.

And what, no Jizzus is Coming?
posted by Brittanie at 3:55 AM on February 26, 2007

Good one
posted by ivanston at 4:18 AM on February 26, 2007

Hippy, you led me to Google. Onion = ass, according to Urban Dictionary, not ass*hole*, although I'm now curious about this picture.

OK, I admit I was going a bit (a lot) by visual memory and association -- struck me as obvious (if memory serves well) but I stand corrected then. Apologies for spreading unverified information.
posted by NewBornHippy at 4:30 AM on February 26, 2007

Well, at least they were trying something outside the standard formula of ((ethnic group)(term for women)(orifice name)(sex act)) [1] that applies to most porn titles.

The best porn titles are parodies of normal movies though.

[1] Change order randomly.
posted by sotonohito at 5:32 AM on February 26, 2007

First I was all "okay, funny porn titles, meh" but as I progressed through the list, I was overcome with an unstoppable belly laugh at the human condition. Thanks for posting this.

(As someone who has spent countless hours playing "Pornify that title!" with bored friends, this post is right up my alley. Ooh, right up my alley indeed.)

Oh, and: WHAT'S THE LESBIAN DOING IN MY PIRATE MOVIE???
posted by goodnewsfortheinsane at 6:13 AM on February 26, 2007

Can't click the link, but I'm curious whether "Teenage Enema Nurses in Bondage" is in the list.

But only mildly curious.
posted by pax digita at 6:32 AM on February 26, 2007

MetaFilter: masturbating cartoon chihuahua
posted by cavalier at 6:50 AM on February 26, 2007

I disagree with #107. Yank My Doodle, It's a Dandy is the BEST title ever.
posted by DonnieSticks at 6:54 AM on February 26, 2007

" 3. CRACK WHORES OF AMERICA - Because nothing turns a guy on more than needle tracks and missing teeth."

But you don't use NEEDLES for crack, you SMOKE the shit. Mr. Rogers said so!
posted by davy at 7:55 AM on February 26, 2007

I wonder if they're going to make Pam's Labyrinth?
posted by juiceCake at 8:07 AM on February 26, 2007 [1 favorite]

What, no "Titty-Titty Gang Bang"?
posted by Floydd at 8:07 AM on February 26, 2007

re: Onion = Ass

I think it has something to do with bringing tears to your eyes when you peel off the clothes. Or something.
posted by papakwanz at 8:15 AM on February 26, 2007

(Anyone got the list of titles that Randall ordered in Clerks...?)
posted by Webbster at 8:28 AM on February 26, 2007

" Gay is out because the titles always make me giggle or extremely uncomfortable."

Where is AlexReynolds anyway?
posted by davy at 8:46 AM on February 26, 2007

Please stop recommending :

a) Shaving Ryan's Privates - It's a gay film. As I said above, I did not include any gay titles because they always make me giggle or extremely uncomfortable, and it would have doubled the number of titles I would have had to sort through. I am not gonna open the floodgates ...

I feel dumb... I couldn't wait to recommend it when I didn't see it there.
posted by meta x zen at 8:46 AM on February 26, 2007

Is "Happy Scrappy Hero Pups" at the end of the list somewhere?
posted by drstein at 8:58 AM on February 26, 2007

What, no "Titty-Titty Gang Bang"?

Indeed. And where, prithee, is "A Sale Of Two Titties"?
posted by pax digita at 9:14 AM on February 26, 2007

And what, no Jizzus is Coming?

Is there a sequel, "Jizzus 2: The Second Coming"? Because that would be awesome.
posted by Ndwright at 9:15 AM on February 26, 2007

We also play "Pornify that Title!" but One Fell Into the Poo-Poo's Nest is so...God I can't type I am laughing so hard.
posted by Secret Life of Gravy at 9:42 AM on February 26, 2007

Where's The Big Leblowski?
posted by jonmc at 9:43 AM on February 26, 2007

MetaPron:

Cock Puppets
Your Favorite Pornstar Sucks
We Have Hidden Cameras
Mancakes
I Don't Just Blow
Know Who Else Fucked Eva Braun?
The SCIENCE of Sex
Of Course It Vibrates
[Deleted as ScatFilter]
WANT.
TO.
FUCK.
MATT?

I'm already feeling the commenter's regret.
posted by Alvy Ampersand at 9:54 AM on February 26, 2007 [3 favorites]

and of course:

I Want To be Exposed To Anus
posted by jonmc at 9:56 AM on February 26, 2007

"Barb Wire" translates to "Heavenly Orbs Of Womenhood Bigger Than Your Head May Kill You".

Yeah, see, that one is sorta kinda totally made up, but the historical record has been soiled repeatedly.
posted by Lentrohamsanin at 10:05 AM on February 26, 2007

I Want [More Inside]
Amitite?
[This Is Gooooood]
posted by Alvy Ampersand at 10:10 AM on February 26, 2007 [1 favorite]

I'll Cut Off My Right Hand (But After the Fisting)!
posted by Lentrohamsanin at 10:12 AM on February 26, 2007

Oh Alvy, that is brilliant.

HURF DURF BUTT EATER
administrator! please blow me!
--ButtFokken
I have a fist. In my ass.
Double Posted Drama Queens

And of course.... Plo Chops.
posted by goodnewsfortheinsane at 10:52 AM on February 26, 2007

[whore inside]
Hot male did it!
Bring on the Manhammer
posted by goodnewsfortheinsane at 11:09 AM on February 26, 2007 [1 favorite]

(perhaps "administrator! please hump me!" would be better)
posted by goodnewsfortheinsane at 11:10 AM on February 26, 2007

WANT
TO
FUCK
MATT?




BAHAHAHHAHAHHHAAHHAHA

omg thank you so much, ampersand, for ruining this monitor.
posted by lazaruslong at 11:12 AM on February 26, 2007

Mushroom-Misidentifying Checkout Sluts 24: Is That A Portobello Up My Bum Or Are You Happy To Fuck Me?

Yes, You Can Have A Pony. [more inside]
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 12:50 PM on February 26, 2007

The puns are great, sure, but I love the titles that are brutally straight-forward, like "AMATEURS ONLY #129 - I'M A BROWN SHIT-HOLED WHORE". I mean... wow. What else can you possibly add to that title? It's like a Mozart concerto. A single word added or removed would ruin it. I'm a brown shit-holed whore. Damn.
posted by Civil_Disobedient at 1:11 PM on February 26, 2007

I'M IN UR ASS, LICKIN UR BOOBS.
posted by Flashman at 1:26 PM on February 26, 2007

What's the pirate movie doing in my lesbian?
posted by crashlanding at 2:56 PM on February 26, 2007

Arse Metafilter.
posted by flabdablet at 6:08 PM on February 26, 2007