Duct tape: not just for astronauts

March 3, 2007 8:37 AM

Hopkins, wearing a black ski mask and latex gloves, allegedly walked up to the casino's cashier and pointed a shotgun at her, robbing her of $336, according to court records...At about that moment, a man named Tyrone, whose last name no one seems to know, charged Hopkins and grabbed the shotgun, pointing it into the air. With the robber pinned, Ren, 30, grabbed a full roll of duct tape and went to work. "I wrapped his hands, legs, whatever," Ren recalled Friday, as he smoked a cigarette, sipped a Budweiser and held the duct tape in his hand. "He ain't moving. He ain't going nowhere." At that point, the men, feeling bad for the woman who had been robbed, decided to make Hopkins apologize to her. When he was placed in front of the cashier, Hopkins apologized and "cried like a baby," Kleppen said. Hopkins and Caward were scheduled to appear in Gallatin County Justice Court Friday morning, although they were "too high" and instead will make their initial appearances on Monday, Judge G.L. Smith said.
posted by 445supermag (50 comments total)

These dimwits had a busy day:
On Thursday at about 5 p.m., Hopkins and Caward went into Yellowstone Gateway Sports and looked at several handguns, according to court records.

When the clerk walked away, Hopkins allegedly fled the store with a Benelli 12-gauge shotgun, worth $439. The clerk chased him, but Hopkins got away in a van driven by Caward.

A little more than an hour later, a man told deputies he was rear-ended at the Interstate 90 interchange in Belgrade by a van. The description of the van matched the one Hopkins and Caward were seen in.

Fifteen minutes later, the couple allegedly attempted to rob the casino.
posted by 445supermag at 8:38 AM on March 3, 2007

This story would make a good sequence in some Coen Brothers movie.
posted by cgc373 at 8:41 AM on March 3, 2007

From the second article:
"Meanwhile, Caward, who was waiting outside in the van, got out of the vehicle and began yelling at the patrons to leave Hopkins alone or she was going to sue them. She yelled at the bar patrons and called them names."

Of course, the old "threaten-litigation-to-counter-a-thwarted-armed-robbery" trick... followed by the classic "act-generally-helpless-and-call-people-poopyhead" maneuver.

These two are the kinds of criminals that need to be saved from themselves.
posted by pineapple at 8:48 AM on March 3, 2007

That's Montana for you.
posted by phaedon at 8:49 AM on March 3, 2007

Wow.
posted by delmoi at 8:52 AM on March 3, 2007

Jeff Foxworthy and all those other "blue collar comics" should be paying royalties to fuckos like these.
posted by psmealey at 8:55 AM on March 3, 2007

This would have been a half-way decent post by just noting the following out front:

"I wrapped his hands, legs, whatever," Ren recalled Friday, as he smoked a cigarette, sipped a Budweiser and held the duct tape in his hand. "He ain't moving. He ain't going nowhere."

Unfortunately you gave away the punchline out front and therefore made it totally unnecessary to click through to the story.
posted by photoslob at 8:55 AM on March 3, 2007

"This is construction folk. We'll kick your ass."

Awesome.
posted by grabbingsand at 8:56 AM on March 3, 2007

It's people like this that make be honestly believe, that if I really really wanted to, I could be a criminal mastermind. I mean, when this is the competition, how could you not look brilliant in comparison?

And how exactly do you start a day like theirs? Hey honey, what do you want to do today? Because I was thinking of how we could totally fuck up the rest of our lives for less than $1000. You in?
posted by quin at 9:02 AM on March 3, 2007 [2 favorites]

Also, kudos to the gent with the duct tape. That is my kind of vigilante apprehension.
posted by quin at 9:03 AM on March 3, 2007

"This would have been a half-way decent post by just noting the following out front:

"I wrapped his hands, legs, whatever," Ren recalled Friday, as he smoked a cigarette, sipped a Budweiser and held the duct tape in his hand. "He ain't moving. He ain't going nowhere."

Unfortunately you gave away the punchline out front and therefore made it totally unnecessary to click through to the story."

Yeah, I got carried away. But the story is full of little humorous gems and is worth more than the punchline.
posted by 445supermag at 9:05 AM on March 3, 2007

Maybe it's just me, but I actually didn't register this as some kind of Jeff Foxworthy Montana redneck story. Frankly, I could just as easily picture that happening in San Diego. My dad was a contractor when I was little so I grew up knowing construction guys like that, though. (And now that I think about it, they never went anywhere without duct tape handy.)
posted by miss lynnster at 9:14 AM on March 3, 2007

Gems indeed!

"One day after thwarting a robbery at a neighborhood casino, Tim Kleppen and Jess Ren took the day off work and slammed Budweiser."

""This is Four Corners, USA. We take care of our own.""

""He was doing 60 out the door and I pulled him back at 40?"
posted by davey_darling at 9:16 AM on March 3, 2007

whoops, ... 40?" should be ... 40'"
posted by davey_darling at 9:17 AM on March 3, 2007

Quin - your reasoning suffers from confirmation bias... if there are real-life criminal masterminds, you wouldn't hear about them because they wouldn't be getting caught. Things that we'd perceive as glitches or random events would actually be part of the NEFARIOUS SCHEME OMG.
posted by Spacelegoman at 9:17 AM on March 3, 2007 [3 favorites]

He was doing 60 out the door and I pulled him back at 40.

Apparently, that's how the robber made it out the door temporarily; damn that 20 mile an hour speed deficit! Lucky that nobody dislocated a shoulder with that kind of speed.
posted by wierdo at 9:27 AM on March 3, 2007

By my math, that's a 100 mph change. He'd get away without his arm.
posted by weapons-grade pandemonium at 9:57 AM on March 3, 2007

In other news, quonsar seems to have inspired a recent criminal act.
posted by nj_subgenius at 10:00 AM on March 3, 2007

"In other news, quonsar seems to have inspired a recent criminal act."

Is that thirty pounds of catfish filets in your pants, or are you just happy to see me?
posted by mr_crash_davis at 10:10 AM on March 3, 2007

My family has lived in Bozeman for 20 years, and I have to say this is WAY out of character for Bozeman.

Here's Thursday's police report:

The Bozeman Police reports for Thursday included the following:


€ Two vehicles on Research Drive were spray painted.

€ Two brothers on West Durston Road got into a fight. One of their parents called the police.

€ A man urinated in the mall parking lot.

That's usually about as bad as it get - although things usually center around fights at the Cat's Paw bar. Oh, and the occasional Elk wandering through town.
posted by matty at 10:45 AM on March 3, 2007

the best part for me is that no one seems to know "Tyrone" who is the guy who actually charged the guy with shotgun.

Ren & Stimpy just got in on the act afterwards... and what better way to celebrate than take a day off to 'slam' Budweisers.

I hate 'construction' folks. and who in Montana is named Tyrone anyway...
posted by geos at 10:48 AM on March 3, 2007

My family has lived in Bozeman for 20 years, and I have to say this is WAY out of character for Bozeman.

people are remarkably well behaved when they know they'll get their asses kicked if they aren't

I hate 'construction' folks.

do you live in a tent?
posted by pyramid termite at 10:56 AM on March 3, 2007 [1 favorite]

Ah, meth. The drug that just keeps on giving....
posted by jokeefe at 11:09 AM on March 3, 2007 [2 favorites]

That's Montana for you.

In the early 1980's, in Missoula, I saw a man blown up by a pipe bomb at the central intersection of Higgins and Broadway.

Carry on...
posted by Tube at 11:32 AM on March 3, 2007

I hate 'construction' folks.

do you live in a tent?
posted by pyramid termite at 10:56 AM PST on March 3

I wish.

It's not that I blame them for being incompetent buffoons, liars ,and drunks: the American dream is about getting something for nothing and your average contractor's job is to do give us what we want. So we get shitty disposable buildings and generations of toxic construction materials designed to make the job easier and cheaper rather than safer and better.

Push as many jobs through billing and then go slam some Buds...

If the guy had stolen some shells: it's hard to kick anyones ass when they are picking peices of your skull out of the keno machines.
posted by geos at 11:42 AM on March 3, 2007 [1 favorite]

geos writes "It's not that I blame them for being incompetent buffoons, liars ,and drunks"

That hasn't been my experience with construction workers.
posted by Bugbread at 12:05 PM on March 3, 2007

geos writes "I wish. "

You know, your wish can come true for only $50. Living in a tent is not exactly an expensive wish to fulfill.
posted by Bugbread at 12:11 PM on March 3, 2007 [6 favorites]

geos writes "I wish. "

You know, your wish can come true for only $50. Living in a tent is not exactly an expensive wish to fulfill.
posted by bugbread at 12:11 PM PST on March 3

plus another 40K for septic and well... i'm looking at it.

I was thinking more about residential contractors, but hey why not insult as many people as I can...

But I stand by my original comment, the guys interviewed in this article are total pussies, duct-taping a guy after he'd already been taken down by Tyrone, he's the real hero, where's his day off in the bar...

seriously, would you hire these guys to sheetrock the addition?
posted by geos at 12:59 PM on March 3, 2007

he'd already been taken down by Tyrone, he's the real hero, where's his day off in the bar

He'd had to go install a septic tank for some flake in a tent?
posted by Alvy Ampersand at 1:32 PM on March 3, 2007 [2 favorites]

I worked residential construction for a decade, in two different states. Your ideas about the "kind of people" who build your houses sounds like nothing more than ignorant sitcom stereotyping to me. But go ahead and tell me how some of your best friends are construction workers, so you should know that they are "incompetent buffoons, liars ,and drunks."
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 2:33 PM on March 3, 2007

Because most of the construction workers I knew were exceptional liars and exceptional drunks.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 2:34 PM on March 3, 2007 [1 favorite]

So we get shitty disposable buildings and generations of toxic construction materials designed to make the job easier and cheaper rather than safer and better.

you can blame architects, builders and real estate agents for that ... construction workers just put the crap together as they're told

plus another 40K for septic and well... i'm looking at it.

yeah, but then you'd have to deal with well-drillers ... they pick their asses and slam old milwaukees on their days off

i think you just ought to live in a tent, drink rainwater and deal with the septic issue by continuing to post shit to the internet

But I stand by my original comment, the guys interviewed in this article are total pussies, duct-taping a guy after he'd already been taken down by Tyrone

dude, they're UNION workers ... it's tyrone's job to nail and tim and jess's job to duct tape ... they go outside of their classification, the union steward's going to have a fit

he's the real hero, where's his day off in the bar...

as soon as the cocaine wears off, he'll get one
posted by pyramid termite at 2:37 PM on March 3, 2007 [9 favorites]

dude, they're UNION workers ... it's tyrone's job to nail and tim and jess's job to duct tape ... they go outside of their classification, the union steward's going to have a fit

Brilliant!
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 2:44 PM on March 3, 2007

I don't get it-- how were these people *able* to *get* "too high" to appear in court?

They were released on bail? Sounds unlikely. They got drugs in the jail-- ok, plausible, but in decades of reading crime stories I have never heard of someone's court appearance being changed on account of "too high."

Even "too crazy" usually just gets you thrown out of the courtroom-- but the proceedings go on anyway.

So, anyone know what's up with that?
posted by Maias at 2:47 PM on March 3, 2007

I don't get it-- how were these people *able* to *get* "too high" to appear in court?

they probably licked the sticky stuff from the duct tape to get buzzed
posted by pyramid termite at 2:50 PM on March 3, 2007 [1 favorite]

The "crime spree" took place on a Thursday, the court appearance was scheduled for Friday, the next day. So they were still too high. Which is admirably high.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 2:52 PM on March 3, 2007

Too high to be charged with robbery in court is really, really, incredibly fucking high, wow. It's not like too high to do algebra or too high to put together a model airplane, all you have to do is sit there in handcuffs while a bunch of people tell you what an asshole you are.
posted by Divine_Wino at 2:59 PM on March 3, 2007 [8 favorites]

It's because of people like this that I can't buy fucking sudafed when my sinuses are congested.
posted by fourcheesemac at 5:09 PM on March 3, 2007

It's people like this that make be honestly believe, that if I really really wanted to, I could be a criminal mastermind.

Speaking as someone who has personally represented thousands of criminals, allow me to present you with the complete Manual On How To Be An Effective Criminal.

1. Have a desire to commit a crime.
2. Do not be on any sort of mind-altering substance.
3. Do not be crazy.
4. Do not commit a crime on a sudden whim.
5. Do not commit a crime when you will be on a list of five or less people who have the motive or the opportunity to commit the crime.

Note: In my experience, well over 95 percent of the criminals failed number 2. Stay away from number 2 alone, and you will be a borderline mastermind
posted by flarbuse at 5:12 PM on March 3, 2007 [2 favorites]

Heh. So they've actually been duct-taped, arrested, jailed, and were still too high to be brought before a court. So that means they're coming down right about now and just now realizing what a horrendous world of shit they're in.

In other words, the news article about what fuckups they are probably hit the wires before they fully realized it... Ah, the information superhighway.
posted by spiderwire at 5:14 PM on March 3, 2007

3. Do not be crazy

Crap.

/crosses criminal mastermind off list of 'jobs to try', notes that of choices that remain, both pirate and cowboy seem promising.

/further considers the possibility of being a pirate cowboy.
posted by quin at 5:25 PM on March 3, 2007 [1 favorite]

I think I've been too high to appear in court at one point or another. It involves complete immobility and uncontrollable eating.
posted by tehloki at 5:43 PM on March 3, 2007

Hell, I'm too high to be on the internets right now.
posted by peewinkle at 8:31 PM on March 3, 2007

Metafilter: It involves complete immobility and uncontrollable eating.
posted by !Jim at 8:33 PM on March 3, 2007 [1 favorite]

Uncontrollable immobility and complete eating is what usually happens to me, but I'm an old guy.
posted by Dizzy at 9:42 PM on March 3, 2007 [1 favorite]

i think you just ought to live in a tent, drink rainwater and deal with the septic issue by continuing to post shit to the internet

I haven't posted in forever, but I'm compelled to say ... that got a loud guffaw.
posted by guanxi at 9:47 PM on March 3, 2007

Links don't work anymore, and this bit from the Bozeman Daily Chronicle's archive page doesn't look promising: Beginning March 1st, 2006, the articles from the following categories are not being included in the online archives: Local Headlines, Local Sports, State news & sports, World News, AP Sports, Weird News. Google News found an article at my hometown paper's site and one at the Billings Gazette. Hopefully one of those articles will stick around a little longer.
posted by msbrauer at 5:08 AM on March 4, 2007

quin, have you considered instead being a cowboy pirate?
posted by Kwine at 9:55 AM on March 4, 2007

It's because of people like this that I can't buy fucking sudafed when my sinuses are congested.

No, that's because of hysterical politicians (Feinstein) and police departments looking for funding. Home-cooked meth is low quality and a small portion of the total trade.

The Oregonian series that showed a correlation between street meth potency and rehab admissions suggests that it's the big operations, using pseudoephedrine or ephedrine sourced directly from pharmacological manufacturers making the good stuff that's the problem.

The Frontline that helped make that series well-known (the other was the series of photos that went with it showing before & after meth addiction), covered the mfg. problem extensively. The meth makers used to buy powder right from India, sometimes shipped to the US first, then to Mexico for manufacturing, then smuggled back to the US in crystal form. When that was shut down, they posed as relabelers and bought pills in bulk with no binders or coating (which makes it easier to swallow, but harder to use for meth mfg.).

Maybe they should require a background check for warehouse rentals in rural areas instead of harassing sinusitis sufferers.
posted by morganw at 10:17 AM on March 4, 2007 [1 favorite]

morganw: I wish more politicians thought like you. Sadly, "war-on-drugs" theatrics are much easier to perform than genuinely making meth harder to manufacture. Plus, you don't even need to memorize your lines.
posted by tehloki at 1:32 PM on March 4, 2007