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Monologues galore
March 5, 2007 10:08 AM   Subscribe

Monologues: tons of great monolgoues here including Coffee's for Closers, How To Fake Like You are Nice and Caring, a 12 inch proboscis, Winocki kept his word, and many others.
posted by mattbucher (12 comments total) 10 users marked this as a favorite

 
BOOKMAN: You took this book out in 1971.

JERRY: Yes, and I returned it in 1971.

BOOKMAN: Yeah, '71. That was my first year on the job. Bad year for libraries. Bad year for America. Hippies burning library cards, Abby Hoffman telling everybody to steal books. I don't judge a man by the length of his hair or the kind of music he listens to. Rock was never my bag. But you put on a pair of shoes when you walk into the New York Public Library, fella.

JERRY: Look, Mr. Bookman. I--I returned that book. I remember it very specifically.

BOOKMAN: You're a comedian, you make people laugh.

JERRY: I try.

BOOKMAN: You think this is all a big joke, don't you?

JERRY: No, I don't.

BOOKMAN: I saw you on T.V. once; I remembered your name--from my list. I looked it up. Sure enough, it checked out. You think because you're a celebrity that somehow the law doesn't apply to you, that you're above the law?

JERRY: Certainly not.

BOOKMAN: Well, let me tell you something, funny boy. Y'know that little stamp? The one that says "New York Public Library"? Well that may not mean anything to you, but that means a lot to me. One whole hell of a lot.

Sure, go ahead, laugh if you want to. I've seen your type before: flashy, "makin' the scene", flaunting convention. Yeah, I know what you're thinking- what's this guy making such a big stink about old library books? Well, let me give you a hint, junior. Maybe we can live without libraries, people like you and me. Maybe. Sure, we're too old to change the world, but what about that kid, sitting down, opening a book, right now, in a branch at the local library and finding drawings of... pee-pees and wee-wees in the Cat in the Hat and the Five Chinese Brothers? Doesn't HE deserve better? Look. If you think this is about overdue fines and missing books, you'd better think again. This is about that kid's right to read a book without getting his mind warped! Or maybe that turns you on, Seinfeld.... maybe that's how y'get your kicks. You and your good-time buddies. Well I got a flash for ya, joy-boy, party time is over. You got seven days, Seinfeld. That is one week!
posted by wfc123 at 10:30 AM on March 5, 2007 [1 favorite]


From my favorite monologue from my favorite movie ever :

You have meddled with the primal forces of nature, and you will atone! Am I getting through to you, Mr. Beale?
posted by Afroblanco at 10:36 AM on March 5, 2007 [1 favorite]


Oh, have I got your attention now? Good. 'Cause we're adding a little something to this month’s toy contest. As you all know, first prize is a shiny new toboggan. Anybody want to see second prize? Second prize is a box of candy canes. Third prize is you're fired. Everybody get the picture? You laughing now, huh?

Remember, boys and girls: A - Always, B - Be, C - Cobbling. Always. Be. Cobbling.
posted by GuyZero at 11:01 AM on March 5, 2007


Big hitter, the Lama. Long.
posted by gompa at 11:04 AM on March 5, 2007


The "Blake" monologue from GGR has a few errors in it, but that's a pretty minor quibble. Fun site.
posted by maxwelton at 11:10 AM on March 5, 2007


mattbucher---good find!
(actors-- not to be a wet blanket, but do NOT use a monologue from a film or tv show for an audition. You will be mocked, not hired for the job, and not asked back. Take it from one who learned this the hard way several years ago...)
posted by Dizzy at 12:20 PM on March 5, 2007


YouTube of the coffee's for closers scene.
posted by neustile at 12:23 PM on March 5, 2007


I figure, fuck it, while I'm at it, why not just shoot my buddy, take his job and give it to his sworn enemy, hike up gas prices, bomb a village, club a baby seal, hit the hash pipe and join the National Guard? I could be elected president.

My friend (and drummer) knows this one by heart.
posted by goodnewsfortheinsane at 1:43 PM on March 5, 2007


Not a bad compilation. You can get most of these from the IMDB (for example) but still, not a bad collection.
posted by elendil71 at 2:38 PM on March 5, 2007


My brother and I used to say that drowning in beer was like heaven, eh? Now he's not here, and I've got two soakers... this isn't heaven, this sucks.
posted by COBRA! at 2:49 PM on March 5, 2007


My favorite is from Network:

You have meddled with the primal forces of nature, Mr. Beale, and I won't have it. You are an old man who thinks in terms of nations and peoples. There are no nations; there are no peoples. There are no Russians. There are no Arabs. There is no third world. There is no west. There is only one holistic system of systems; one vast interwoven, interacting, multivariate multinational dominion of dollars. Petrodollars, electrodollars, reichmarks, rubles, rin, pounds and shekels. It is the international system of currency that determines the totality of life on this planet. That is the natural order of things today. That is the atomic, subatomic and galactic structure of things today. It is the international system of currency that determines the totality of life on this planet. That is the natural order of things. You have meddled with the primal forces of nature, and you will atone! Am I getting through to you, Mr. Beale? You get up on your little twenty-one inch screen and howl about America and Democracy. There is no America. There is no democracy. There is only IBM and ITT and AT &T and Dupont, Dow, Union Carbide and Exxon. Those are the nations of the world today. What do you think the Russians talk about in their councils of state? Karl Marx? They pull out their linear programming charts, statistical decision theories, and minimax solutions and compute the price-cost probabilities of their transactions and investments just like we do. We no longer live in a world of nations and ideologies, Mr. Beale. The world is a college of corporations inexorably determined by the immutable by-laws of business. The world is a business, Mr. Beale! It has been since man crawled out of the slime. And our children will live to see that perfect world in which there is no war or famine, oppression or brutality. One vast and ecumenical holding company for whom all men will work to serve a common profit and in which all men will own a share of stock, all necessities provided, all anxieties tranquilized, all boredom amused. And I have chosen you to preach this evangel.
posted by empath at 5:34 PM on March 5, 2007


Ahh. Shawshank
posted by filmgeek at 7:30 PM on March 5, 2007


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