Masturbating elephants for science

March 8, 2007 8:21 PM

"One guy I know got a black eye from being hit by an elephant’s penis."
posted by homunculus (37 comments total)

I realize that Elephant Day is 7 months away, but I couldn't wait.
posted by homunculus at 8:21 PM on March 8, 2007

Lost a toof maself, hyuk, hyuk.
posted by The Straightener at 8:24 PM on March 8, 2007 [1 favorite has favorites]

Wow, that article probably goes into far more detail than it needs to.

I must say though, I'm rooting for Christy and Jackson.
posted by inconsequentialist at 8:26 PM on March 8, 2007

Elephant day just isn't the same without <IMG>. It's like, you know, seeing that band that used to be really good but now they sold out and suck big time, and a couple of dudes have left, and it turns out that they were the ones that wrote all the songs you really liked from the previous records.
posted by Rhomboid at 8:27 PM on March 8, 2007

Ha! Ha! It's not elephant day; it's "Gingrich Tells Dobson He's 'Sought God’s Forgiveness' [for] having an extramarital affair even as he led the charge against President Clinton over the Monica Lewinsky affair..." day!
posted by taosbat at 8:33 PM on March 8, 2007

"MASTURBATING an elephant in the cause of science isn’t an easy job."

IMG nothing, I want an MPEG.
posted by davy at 8:45 PM on March 8, 2007 [1 favorite has favorites]

Way TMI in the article but damn if I wasn't laughing the entire way through.

Best sentence in the article for me -

Artificially inseminating an elephant is just as messy – while a catheter is inserted into the cervix, the hapless scientist faces being pooed on

pooed on - LOL
posted by your mildly obsessive average geek at 8:46 PM on March 8, 2007

IMG nothing, I want an MPEG.

It didn't go over so well the last time it was tried.
posted by Rhomboid at 8:48 PM on March 8, 2007

Looks like there's a lot of this going on. Except in this article, they refer to the masturbation as the "method."
posted by inconsequentialist at 8:48 PM on March 8, 2007

What brand does an elephant smoke afterwards?
posted by Samizdata at 9:00 PM on March 8, 2007

This compares poorly to the monkey spooge eating FPP.

And that is a very good thing.
posted by aerotive at 9:01 PM on March 8, 2007

Metafilter... Nevermind.
posted by NewBornHippy at 9:04 PM on March 8, 2007 [1 favorite has favorites]

“When you touch an elephant there it starts to flick backwards and forwards and it’s so strong it can knock you off your feet. It’s such a strong movement.”

This makes me so happy I studied literature in college, rather than science!
posted by clevershark at 9:05 PM on March 8, 2007

When I grow up, I want to work as a fluffer for the Elephant porn industry.
posted by NewBornHippy at 9:06 PM on March 8, 2007

It's not elephant day; it's "Gingrich Tells Dobson He's 'Sought God’s Forgiveness' [for] having an extramarital affair even as he led the charge against President Clinton over the Monica Lewinsky affair..." day!

Is that connected with Operation Yellow Elephant in some way?
posted by homunculus at 9:25 PM on March 8, 2007

I would advise against watching this show on your plasma.
posted by tellurian at 9:29 PM on March 8, 2007

Weeellll...could be, homunculus, could be...
posted by taosbat at 9:29 PM on March 8, 2007

When you have to masturbate an elephant as part of your day job, all the simple joy goes out of it.
posted by stavrosthewonderchicken at 9:53 PM on March 8, 2007 [6 favorites has favorites]

I caught my elephant with a bootleg copy of "Dumbo" and he was so embarrased he crushed me and now I'm dead.
posted by Dizzy at 9:55 PM on March 8, 2007

“When you touch an elephant there it starts to flick backwards and forwards and it’s so strong it can knock you off your feet. It’s such a strong movement.”

Yeah, this is why I became a theorist.
posted by dirigibleman at 9:56 PM on March 8, 2007

Jobs like these are God's punishment for making His animals extinct.
posted by Chinese Jet Pilot at 10:21 PM on March 8, 2007

I'm probably better off because of it, but I was kinda hoping this was a one-link YouTube post.
posted by Civil_Disobedient at 10:38 PM on March 8, 2007

giant condoms, flying over our heads, making cloud spotting dangerous for thousands of innocents ...
posted by kitalea at 11:10 PM on March 8, 2007

Huh. I always thought elephants came in drums.

I know I'm going to be giving a suspcious eyeballing of any Coke cans I happen to spot these next few days. i just know I'm going to think "elephant cum" when I see it.

Gah. Thanks for nothing, homunculus.
posted by five fresh fish at 11:17 PM on March 8, 2007

I wonder how much one gets paid to masturbate an elephant...
posted by empatterson at 12:55 AM on March 9, 2007

I'm only going to jack off this elephant once.
posted by emelenjr at 1:30 AM on March 9, 2007

"One guy I know got a black eye from being hit by an elephant’s penis."

Elephants ain't got nothin' on Wookies.
posted by sparkletone at 2:45 AM on March 9, 2007

“Man has created this annihilation of species; it’s up to man to use his ingenuity to save them.”

One small step for man, one giant leap for masturbation euphemisms.
posted by Anything at 3:29 AM on March 9, 2007 [1 favorite has favorites]

"One guy I know got a black eye from being hit by an elephant’s penis" is a line that got cut from Dumbo. True story.
posted by steef at 5:23 AM on March 9, 2007

I'm only going to jack off this elephant once.

Careful. This is how memes start, people.
posted by Civil_Disobedient at 5:24 AM on March 9, 2007

What brand does an elephant smoke afterwards?

Whatever he wants.
Shit... wrong joke.
posted by sonofslim at 5:36 AM on March 9, 2007

my girlfriend has the same problem
posted by sswiller at 5:43 AM on March 9, 2007

I can name several politicians that are 1.5m elephant penises.
posted by five fresh fish at 9:12 AM on March 9, 2007

brings a whole new meaning to the album elephant by the white stripes
posted by baker dave at 12:18 AM on March 11, 2007

"Elephant Day" is marked in Chiang Mai province in northern Thailand with a feast for the elephants of banana trees, sugarcane and fruit.
posted by homunculus at 1:08 AM on March 14, 2007

Elephant landmine survivors on the Thai-Burma border
posted by homunculus at 10:07 AM on March 21, 2007

The Great Elephant Poo Poo Paper Company
posted by homunculus at 9:04 PM on March 23, 2007